Complex PTSD from child hood

[Greg]

One of my biggest struggles with this disorder is that because of what happened to me a child through extreme trauma of 11 years from birth, I am having to go through the redevelopment process again, one of the developing areas is finding my identity, in who I am and what my values, boundaries, morals, interests and likes and dislikes are, having to reconnect the mind to the body and also finding a way to lower the extreme stress and anxiety and breaking out of social isolation and being able to communicate in such a way that isn't so heavy.  The other thing is that I have major trust issues and have no idea what love is or what all the different emotional feelings are, general feelings and body language being able to read a persons out look, like there is so many things that to relearn and rewire the brain.  Yes I am getting there bit by bit but it has taken me a long while to start being able to feel safe enough to venture out again, even though I often feel as though there is a solid wall sitting right in my path.  I have been in the dumps for the last few months only to get to this point in being this far ready to try something like Yoga to help me learn how to manage allot of areas like stress and anxiety, to loosen this rigid stiff body.

Has anybody else come across this state in Complex PTSD? 

[Dee]

Greg,

I could have written this.  This is everything I am working on.  I struggle the most with boundaries.  I have never been in love and I cannot identify feelings.  When we talk my therapist stops to ask how I feel/felt.  Then she guides me to help me identify that feeling.  Most people have no idea how hard it is to identify a feeling. 

When I first started therapy my therapist asked me what my favorite color was, I didn't know.  I could tell her other people's favorite color, but not my own.  Today I know my favorite color, favorite scent, favorite sound, favorite feel, and favorite taste.  It's more than just yoga that you have been able to accomplish, I am certain.

So yes, not only have I come across this, but I live this.  Today is my second yoga session.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Greg! We're glad you're here.   

[movementforthebetter]

The other thing is that I have major trust issues and have no idea what love is ...

Hi Greg, you are not alone.

I literally said that to my therapist last week. I honestly don't know if love is supposed to be conditional, or is it really unconditional, or does it depend on the person? I hope I can find out for myself one day.

Being abused as a child robs you in 3 ways. First, of your safety when you are young. Second, of trusted role models you need to grow into a well-rounded adult. Third, of enjoying aspects/benefits of adulthood others take for granted because you have to work so hard just to re-parent yourself because of those that failed when you were young.

I became my mother's emotional keeper at age 7 and have been feeling anger lately at the unfairness to kid me who was totally left behind in some major developmental stages that other kids experienced. Funny enough, not mad at mother, who clearly just shouldn't have had kids. Just mad at the great cosmic joke of it.

I don't have kids now and I don't know if I ever will, but I'm getting to experience parenthood twice, once as a child, dysfunctionally parenting my mother, and now as an adult, carefully parenting myself. Maybe that's the flip side of the cosmic joke? Some people never experience parenthood at all.

[Greg]

Has anyone found that with this disorder that the stress and anxiety is hard to keep low, that other people don't feel impacted by it

[Whobuddy]

What you have written shows you have a deep and accurate understanding of the challenges facing those of us with Cptsd. It took me quite awhile to figure out what you already know. Have you read Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving or read the articles on his website. His writings are very helpful.

I can identify also with the rigid, stiff body feeling. And I was fearful it would get worse and I would eventually become incapacitated. When I lost most of use of my left arm, I started doing yoga in private lessons because I couldn't handle being in a group setting. After a while, with much encouragement from my teacher, I began to attend some of her group classes. It isn't easy but I am able to do it. And my left arm is working again!

The yoga made me more aware of my body and I had to learn how to 'listen' to it which was new to me. I had blocked out any messages from my own body or even my mind for that matter thinking I was always wrong.

My journey has lead me recently to try meditation and that is helpful, too. As you can see, there is no quick fix. Allowing yourself time to heal is important.

Has anyone found that with this disorder that the stress and anxiety is hard to keep low, that other people don't feel impacted by it

Definitely. It took me a long time to figure out that I was processing things differently than those around me. I thought I just wasn't handling things as well as they were. I had no idea that my brain had been wired differently due to the traumas I experienced.

[Greg]

Thankyou Whobuddy for the info on the book, I haven't read it before but will get it and read it for sure, I'm also really glad to hear that yoga has worked for you, cos I'm about to start it. 

[Greg]

Last night was so heavily emotionally painful, the pain is of emotional flashbacks, that I just couldn't find any rest or peace, all that I could think of was the loss of friends, I was experiencing extreme tremors throughout my body and felt the anguish of just not coping with this time that I can't do anything about, but trying to find a means to push on regardless of how I feel.  It was just so intense with the feeling of abandonment n rejection.

[Three Roses]

So sorry you're going thru that right now. EF's are horrible. All the pain is so fresh and raw - again. I sure hope you're feeling better today.

[healingjourney]

One of my biggest struggles with this disorder is that because of what happened to me a child through extreme trauma of 11 years from birth, I am having to go through the redevelopment process again, one of the developing areas is finding my identity, in who I am and what my values, boundaries, morals, interests and likes and dislikes are, having to reconnect the mind to the body and also finding a way to lower the extreme stress and anxiety and breaking out of social isolation and being able to communicate in such a way that isn't so heavy.  The other thing is that I have major trust issues and have no idea what love is or what all the different emotional feelings are, general feelings and body language being able to read a persons out look, like there is so many things that to relearn and rewire the brain.  Yes I am getting there bit by bit but it has taken me a long while to start being able to feel safe enough to venture out again, even though I often feel as though there is a solid wall sitting right in my path.  I have been in the dumps for the last few months only to get to this point in being this far ready to try something like Yoga to help me learn how to manage allot of areas like stress and anxiety, to loosen this rigid stiff body.

Has anybody else come across this state in Complex PTSD?

You took the words out of my mouth, Greg. In recent years stress has me feeling so rigid. In my abdominal region I feel constant tension like I'm ready for someone to punch me. It's so bad I'm really considering some anxiety medication because the way I'm feeling can't be normal. For so long I lived for perfection and when anything went out of alignment I would panic. I'm talking $5 missing would cause me extreme worry. I had no regulation of trauma worrying me. I confused love with having to please everyone around me and then wondering why I am taken for granted. I have very few of my own passions that anyone could relate to. Most of my interests are isolating, probably because I feel safe in them. Very little from new experience outright excites me, but rather, scares me. Sometimes I say something and people just look at me like I'm living from another planet- with regards to my fear, defensiveness and hypervigilance. Cheers to the yoga- I couldn't get myself to relax often enough to attend but it is rewarding when you can do it. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud. I am going to read it 100 times to reparent myself, elevate my self esteem, and learn what healthy relationships look like. Regarding your comment about love, I think we are entitled to love from our parents and siblings and with regards to people we are dating, I think love is a gift that someone offers us, it can come and go more readily, and some people treat it like a bargaining tool. I think we need to be careful that people who we love back recognize our boundaries and appreciate us in spite of our trouble. It is for this reason that relationships are probably not the best thing for someone like me right now because I'm still learning what I stand for and thus easy to manipulate and or bend to pretty women's wishes, that is when I'm not being extremely guarded-defensive- which is how I used to approach dating- and was not getting me far in my relationships.

[Greg]

Healingjourney, I totally understand and emphasize with what you saying, I have read read the book by Dr Cloud on boundaries and I got allot out of it.  What you have added there is like an extension of my words.