Being judged for not being 'normal'

[Danaus plexippus]

Just found out my new manager has 3 years till retirement, then I get prove myself all over again, that is if I still have a job. I'm sure I asked this somewhere before but can't remember where; who are these so called normal people anyway and who appointed them to the grand exalted state of "normal." More and more I find myself replacing the D in cPTSD with an R for "Reaction." It's the people that don't react to trauma that I'm suspicious of.

[sanmagic7]

interesting concept, danaus.  i'm not sure that i can answer it.  i do know that a lot of so-called 'normal' people are indeed reacting through substance abuse, other addictions, constant distractions so as not to face, deal with, or look at the trauma.  some laugh a bit too much at things that aren't funny.  some change the subject.  some will sidestep the issue or put up roadblocks to further exploration.  some minimize, others maximize what is happening in their lives.  some lie.  we just don't always see these reactions.  when i remember this, i can feel a modicum of peace.

[steamy]

Interesting thread.

In society we have this thing called "personality", most people believe that is who we are. It is simply the way we exhibit the effects of our past. It is not who we are at all.

If society was to realise that folks who are easy to get along with probably had the easiest upbringing and those who turn them off had difficult ones and are still suffering I think it would make life easier for us all. When it comes to work, the capitalist system is always looking for perfection, if your skills and abilities don't make your employer money you get fired, despite all our good intentions.

I am often looking at situations and asking myself am I looking at this with the right perspective? How would somebody who is mentally healthy act or respond? Sometimes I don't know and then decide the best thing is to do nothing. Doing nothing is a  course of action too. if you take a DISC test or another type of personality test it will reveal your mode of operating and another for coping in social situations such as being at work, this is really all about filtering you so that a company can be sure that they can make money from you. I did this test for a recruiter, they are suggesting I use it as a way to make changes to the way I interact with others. It is true that at heart I am kind and considerate but others see me as being target driven and authoritarian. The recruiter thinks that we are a ball of putty and we can mold ourselves and make changes to how we see the world around us, instead it is hard wired into our brains. While we are working on making changes to counter the effects of our past, we get more and more abuse from the people we interact with on a day to day basis, which helps to solidify our behaviors and belief systems. We never get any respite from the onslaught to grow.

The three articles written by Sandra Bloom are very good at identifying the kind of problems we have and it gives me some comfort when I get fired for the eight time, that it was not my fault once again. We find it difficult to learn from experience. The big challenge is knowing how we can move forward.

http://www.sanctuaryweb.com/Portals/0/Bloom%20Pubs/2000%20Bloom%20Email%20Grief%20that%20Dares%20Ravages%201.pdf

[thebutcher]

This has been a problem in pretty much every relationship I've had.  I try to explain what my upbringing was like and how it contributes to the issues I struggle with and my shortcomings.  My partners usually act somewhat understanding, often having come from rough childhoods themselves, but when the issues come up--for instance I struggle with self-care when my depression is bad--I get told things like "I wish you would just try." 

It's not like I want the C-PTSD and depression to be my excuse for bad behavior.  I just don't want to be judged as if there is no underlying pathology that drives some of my failings.  I do try, I am constantly trying to be better and healthier.  I think every long-term girlfriend I've ever had has said "you're not even trying" to me when I'm treading water emotionally and mentally.  It's so painful to hear that from someone who is supposed to understand you.  I feel like there isn't going to be anyone in my life who will understand.

[Sisue]

It is very frustrating to hear those sorts of things.  I always wonder how people can truly think that we are choosing PTSD.  It is as ludicrous as thinking we choose the trauma like a sweet from a candy jar.
As is typical for most of us here, I am always trying to see things from the other side, to get a better understanding.  And the only thing I can come up with that makes any sense to me, is that these people do not try to see things from the other side, thus no understanding.
Doesn't make the pain of judgement any less painful though.