Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

I decided I had enough memos saved in my phone, notes in my notebook, and thoughts in my head that it would be helpful to start putting them together in one place. This won't exactly be chronological so I'll include original or approximate dates for the first while. If you read this, please assume there's TRIGGERS in them thar hills. If you read this and get any value from it, I'm glad.

May 24th These are the questions I want to resolve by the time I am done EMDR. Copied from a website about how to leave a partner that you still love. Easily googleable.


Questions to ask yourself about your life:

Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
If not now, when?
Who do I admire?
What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?


Questions to ask yourself about leaving men who aren’t good for you:

What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?

[movementforthebetter]

June 14th. OOTF about 3 weeks at this point. This was my first or second session with my T.


Other trauma to process:

Dad's death and moving through loss/abandonment.

Invasive medical procedures (internal medicine, dental, etc.)

Crowded , hot & confined spaces

People who don't stop talking about themselves and talk a mile a minute so I can't get a word in.

Chronic insomnia. Started in my last year with J.

Disordered eating/healthy coping.

Finding pornography at 5.

Family secrets and shame. Mental illness and suicides.

[movementforthebetter]

June 11. Whoops, T started the week of June 5th. I knew I wanted to go since January. At first I thought I wanted a feminist therapist, but then I found my trauma focused T. Some things below I realized in between sessions.

Men in life symbolized fun, vacations, escape from the anger of my  uPDM.

Don't know how to be still in tension, present in anxiety.

Other manifestations of stress: Jaw clenching and neck/shoulder tension. Chronic insomnia.

[movementforthebetter]

June 16th

Dreamt I couldn't find a home. Was in a weird apartment with two rooms separated by part of another apartment. Knew I would need to spend more and I couldn't. I started hiding food and binging again. (some kind of processed meat like ham). UGH.

I am feeling fear about being able to provide for myself and still live my ideal life.

Woke up disoriented and anxious. Decided to get up and do some yoga.

I realize that as much as my bf hasn't done one specific thing that broke my trust I haven't felt emotionally safe with him in years. It was a series of transgressions and choices that showed me we were not a real match but I ignored these incidents. Probably since 5 yrs ago or even before, since the road rage incident. So 8 years then?

I feel very alone. Just sad and scared for what I will have to do before I can get better. And for how I will do it and what I will have left on the other side.

Lots of crying today despite making an effort to go outside a lot.

Realised my sleep problems may have started around 14 or earlier. I was forced to change schools for grade 9 and lost my friends. I would wake up too early and go for long walks alone.

Eating problems may have started in elementary or junior high. We had food insecurity as kids with mom. I sometimes stole candy or money to get junk food, which I think I associated with abundance because my friends could have it whenever they wanted. I started eating alone in junior high when I'd go on long walks.


The next day I remembered my recurring childhood nightmares of a monster cornering me in an abandoned van.

[movementforthebetter]

June 25th

Swearing as a form of violence but also an expression of pain. Does it perpetuate the cycle of violence within myself?

Realization that I am very vulnerable right now, and was after J and especially N.

I actually believe that only a few guys I have been with have not manipulated or emotionally abused me. Everyone else has. Not all intentionally but some did. The common denominator being that I chose them.

Are non-dysfuntional people outnumbered in the world?

Things I can say to myself and my inner child: You are safe. You deserve love, kindness and respect. You can handle this.

Realization that I was technically raped or at least sexually assaulted, mentally and physically if not legally, within relationships by various bfs and that I facilitated my own violations repeatedly by not enforcing my own boundaries and sexual agency. There were a lot of times where I was reluctant to have sex, did not want to, but acquiesced to appease my partner. I nearly always put his needs above mine. No was met with sulking and I was made to feel guilt and shame. Was this intentionally manipulative? In many ways I was groomed to this role from when I was a little girl. My responsibility was to be available. This makes me feel sick sad and angry.

[movementforthebetter]

July 7th

Thursday. So much anger directed towards men that have wronged me.

[movementforthebetter]

July 8th

Dreamt that I was trying to spend time with N. but he said he couldn't because he had to wash his truck. The only way he would was if I pressure washed his truck for him while he went on vacation. (* dreams, lol) I saw through this manipulation and said no and held firm. I also told my friends about this and they were angry at him/happy for me. Woke up feeling some clarity, calm, resolved, and good.

[movementforthebetter]

July 11th

Dreamt of showing portfolio projects with no notice I would be included in group presenting. Was unprepared and disorganized. Did not have photos of finished work. Was professionally dismissed. Intense shame. Blamed self but also blamed instructor a bit. Wanted to go home. Lost opportunities.

Because of disorganization I woke feeling that I can't handle/don't want design job I applied for. It feels too far out of my comfort zone and I am afraid of more shame and being exposed as a fraud.

But did get callback for another job. We'll see how that goes.

Am wondering if there is any difference between abandonment and betrayal? Betrayal as a word sounds more malicious and it has happened to me a few times for sure. In anger I see betrayal and in grief I see abandonment.

[movementforthebetter]

July 12th

Tuesday. The same anger at men in my life is back along with anger at how people have taken advantage of me and how it's my job to ensure they don't. Like telling boys and men not to rape, how about we start teaching people not to take advantage of others? Anything less is victim blaming. I don't buy that gaining advantage at the expense of others is human nature. It's not my nature. I am not unique nor am I broken in that way to my knowledge. Yet most men I have dated have been either selfish and vain or else trying way too hard. I just want to be with someone who can consistently demonstrate that they value me without smothering me.

Part of the reason I don't ask for help more is that I have been hurt so much and no longer believe that help can come without conditions. Part of it is shame over my past. Part of it is that even if the help I need does  exist I still have trouble believing I am worthy of it. But today I am angry and sobbing and feel so alone. I know I am not really but yet we all are and I just want to scream * you! to every person that ever let me down.

I want to leave my relationship soon but therapy will be a few more months. I have no money anyway. I need a job for more money as everything I have goes to therapy currently and therapy will be at least a few more months. A friend said I could ask for help but I haven't because of everything above.

I feel so needy, or is it just that my friends aren't meeting my needs right now?

[Danaus plexippus]

https://youtu.be/KEXQkrllGbA

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks, Danaus.

Today was the first day of EMDR. My T wanted to start early, and work forward from childhood incidents. I had about 8 sessions to build coping skills before today. I think this was very helpful and I would recommend that to anyone else considering EMDR. I had already started some processing anyway between sessions and my time here, so I was ready to go today.

I couldn't find a lot of info on what it was like from the client's perspective. I know each T will be different and experience will vary. For me I have the option of a 1hr or 2hr session depending on the complexity of the trauma being dealt with. Only 1 issue per session. Some Ts use a wand or device as a tool to focus on. But mine didn't use a wand or anything. She waves two fingers back and forth in front of me about 3 feet from my face for approx 1 minute at a time. During this minute I think about and feel the emotions and body sensations of the trauma, all the while tracking her fingers with my eyes only. She moves fast and for me it's physically hard to focus. I can't be sure but speed might be related to the intensity of what the T is observing.

Today's session was 1 hour & the issue was me finding pornography at age 5. I have lost most of the memories around this. I rated the trauma as a 5 out of 10 for intensity but didn't feel much about it generally. I knew it happened and I was there but usually only feel confused when talking about it. Did it influence my preferences as an adult and was it actually traumatic?

Almost immediately I welled up and discovered I was afraid and ashamed. I stayed with these feelings for a couple intervals and then they transitioned to body sensations. Tight chest, clenched jaw, tight legs. And after a couple intervals they mostly relaxed. I thought I felt better. My T asked what I noticed next and I found the next level of tearfullness. This went on and on, cycling in and out of different levels of grief, sorrow, body panic, etc. My T was there with me the whole time and called me back if I started to drift away, which I did do a couple times.

By the end I no longer felt confused. I understand that my parents had absolutely no clue what they were doing raising me. My dad left his porn where I could find it, and I did because I was a normal, curious kid. I was also an honest kid, so when I found it I asked permission to look at it. And my parents fought in front of me. I might have been punished too. I was very afraid, I thought I was a bad person. I started countering these thoughts with the knowledge that I am goood and safe. I think someone compared the experience to peeling an onion, and it really was like that. I was so surprised at how many layers there were. I have a week until my next session so it will be interesting to see what comes up between now and then.

I have much more real life stuff to write about tomorrow. My time not in therapy hasn't been wasted. Progress is happening surprisingly fast in some ways even if my writing doesn't make that clear.

[movementforthebetter]

Today is recovery day. I am very tired. I'll probably add some more entries here today since it looks like I'll be spending most of the day in bed.

About 3 days ago I noticed my leg pains getting worse again. I had taken a break from yoga because I was feeling emotionally triggered. It's been a few weeks now and I think I am suffering without it. Dropped from being able to do 7 pushups to 5. Pain that was just in my knees settled into major tight calves. I have been rolling my legs but for some reason stopped my physio excercises. I was still trying to walk a lot when I could. Maybe I have aggravated my existing weaknesses.  I addressed the calves after emdr yesterday and was able to release a lot of the pain. But some of it seems to have moved around. I am chasing it up and down my legs with my foam roller. My outer left upper thigh and inner left thigh seem the worst now. Since I have nothing better to do I will spend the day getting to know the pain and see if I can't release any more of it. Was starting to worry if it might be a serious side effect of the meds I started in May. Or maybe gout? Most of the 15 pounds I had lost since April have come back. I like to hope they came back as muscle but oh well anyway. But with the stress of life and therapy my fod choices have been inconsistent and leaning more towards unhealthy so regaining makes sense.

I was afraid to sleep last night. Afraid of my dreams. I don't remember anything though and am just very tired today so I guess my body os telling me in every way possible to rest, and I will listen. My mood is ok. Content, I guess. Not up or down. Just being.

[movementforthebetter]

Some thoughts I had very late one night that I have expanded upon:

I go through stages of life, drift off course, then wildly course correct to try and fix my life. I wonder if rhere are a lot of people that do this too? I don't seem to know any. I would probably have seen that as drama on others and stayed far away. So does my lack of consistent and incremental progress isolate me?

I want to settle into some kind of maintainable stability so that I don't have to keep starting over.

I would say that I have had 4 major life periods or phases as an adult and all are timed around changing relationships. I don't know if that is coincidence or if it's because I was always looking for some sort of saviour in the past and placed relationships above all other goals.

I can and do speak harshly at times, and I have a temper. Both of which I picked up from my M. I have probably wounded people with my words, especially my bf. And yet I usually feel like I have no voice.

I feel crazy for wanting certain things from my bf that I tried to force him to provide and he wouldn't. Whose failure is that, really?

As I have wondered from time to time, could I have a more serious mental illness and not know it? I do not trust that my M has told me everything, or that she even knows everything that is wrong with her since she has been in and out of treatment her whole adult life like me. I took an online bipolar screening and it came up negative which made me cry with relief. But I still think it might be possible. I will have to look more carefully at my past and try to be very fact oriented rather than emotional.

I have had a high number of boyfeiends, jobs, and homes, especially compared to my friends. It is sad that instability has been so woven into my life even at times I didn't seek it out.

The reasons I am estranged from my family are:
Denial of reality by my M and my own shame and anger. Dislike of my SF. Nothing at all in common. Unable to be seen as my own person.

Shame and feeling a need to prove my worth to my F and SM. SM is highly judgemental and a victim blamer. Blamed my M for the fact that my F beat M up. Said I was lazy and ungrateful when I know now I desperately needed therapy. I wanted to prove I "made it" with a good, stable job I liked, be healthy and happy, have some form of improved status, and a solid, loving relationship. It never happened before F died. I am still angry with her and don't know if I will contact her again.

I feel like my bf and I are each fighting internal battles that require our full attention. In general he seems stable and I wonder if I have made him more unstable? He makes some efforts to express his vulnerabilities to me regarding his work but that's about as far as his EQ goes. I think I share those vulnerabilities in the same way, but worry that I might actually be blaming because he has told me I do this. And yet I feel like I carry too much responsibility. I also inherited an awful martyr complex I am trying to shake.

My expectations for a relationship are probably disproportionate to what I can offer a partner.

I want a spouse/partner who challenges me kindly to be my best and consistently reminds me of his feelins without smothering. I want a partnership where we reach together for common goals but we each have separate and full lives as well. I want to be able to offer the same supports and love to my partner. I have been doing this but don't feel I have been getting it in return, ever. Is this unrealistic or will I be able to have this?

I have been pulling further from B recently. It has been a gradual process almost too slow to notice except for when I have been away a while, and then I am very distant. I get that way because when I have time and space to think I start examining our relationship and come back unable to honestly discuss my thoughts and feelings with him.

I have enough terrible traits that I really worried I have a PD. In relationships, out of insecurity and love-drunkeness I both love-bomb and push-pull. I am afraid of intimacy but it is what I want most. All partners have been unavailable emotionally or otherwise. If I hurt my partner it is usually without intent but sometimes I act out or lash out.

I have started acknowledging my feelings by just saying hello to them. Hello anxiety, etc.



I am trying to adjust and have more realistic expectations of myself and others.

[movementforthebetter]

Sleep was messed up last night due to being so tired during the day.

Had a strong ef and had to leave bed and move to the living room to be by myself. Again with the lonely, needy, abandoned feelings but also angry. I tried everything last night and I guess I just eventually wore myself out and fell asleep. Inner child talk didn't work, grounding didn't work, visualization and mindfulness didn't work. Thought stopping, acknowledging and reframing didn't work. I had a cry and held a stone I've chosen for grounding and waited for the darkness to pass.

I have almost for sure decided to ask friends for help to leave my bf. Whether it's just help to make a good plan, or for more substantial help like a place to crash or contributions towards my own place, I think I need the help and am punnishing myself by not being honest about it.

My recovery is challenging within my relationship. I'm trying to pretend things are normal when they clearly are not. When bf is around it's so much harder to do my own thing without physically leaving. I'm realizing how many things that happen in our daily lives are triggering me. Things I never used to question.

I don't know if I should live alone or with a roommate. I like the idea of a companion but then it's not like I can trust my recovery details and needs to just anyone. Nor can I guarantee a regular schedule or consistency to anyone else righh now. I still have some time to figure it out.

[movementforthebetter]

I don't know why, but last week I was compelled to write out my deepest wounds and who perpetrated them against me. It did help me to see some patterns in my life. I hope it will help me moving forward. At least I have named the guilty, pointed the finger, and I can remember as needed while I work on my soul. I didn't find writing about it triggering at the time but I do now so I will add them one at a time to lessen the overwhelm.

Abandonment & Fear of Being Alone

M raging and being unloving and neglectful

F leaving M and us repeatedly, taking our furniture, taking the car, saying he wouldn't/couldn't pay child support

Partners
R working too much, then taking my dream career for his own rather than helping me

J cheating on me twice, giving up on us

Best Friends
A literally leaving me homeless when I needed her most

M destroying our friendships though not entirely her fault

J the earliest one. Suddenly stopped talking to me and wouldn't tell me why. To this day I don't know what happened.

N stopped talking to me when our mothers got in a dispute. Bow I am pretty sure that was my M's fault.