Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

I'm just coming out of an emotional flashback that must've been at least two weeks long. It covered so many feelings from anger to despair to numbness, which I mistook for not caring anymore. I feel like, or felt that, I was coming undone.

The thing that helped me come around was loosely talking it out with 2 separate people. One of them was ironically the coworker I was angry with. He got back today and reached out to me because he could see I wasn't myself. So I feel some regret for being so ungracious. I'm trying to forgive myself without excusing the behaviour. I just don't know how to not get to that level once I get into a spiral. And it's a troublingly fine line between harsh thoughts/words and abuse. Which is what triggered my whole flashback spiral in the first place.

I'm working OT tomorrow on a different team, so the change of pace and extra money will be good. Also starting later.

I'm going to bed feeling loved again, and that's no small thing.

[movementforthebetter]

Had a little lightbulb moment regarding work. It's one of those things that's probably obvious but I finally saw things with a little more clarity than usual. I had a good day at work yesterday because the only real expectation on me was to show up. There was no pressure except that which I put on myself. I worked hard and had a good time. In fact, I worked harder than most of the managers there that day and it was obvious to everyone. This sounds a bit egotistical to write about, but I worked so hard that I received a public shout-out of thanks. The thing is that it was a one-day thing. If I was expected to perform consistently like that every day, I don't think I could. There are days I just can't.

In my regular job there is a ton of pressure and it makes me miserable. It feeds my inner critic. Almost any time I have to "prove myself" I flash back to childhood and trying to be "good enough" for my parents and failing. And so every failure proves to the critic that I am worthless, and the spiral begins. Slow at first, but accelerating exponentially. I suppose this is something I can work on now that I have identified it. But I don't think I can in a fast-paced, high-pressure environment, which is where I am. On top of that, my manager sees it as her personal mission to push us harder no matter what circumstances. And so I crumble under the pressure, as I have ever since childhood.

Even writing about this is really triggering. I keep stopping and picking. What can I do for income that won't trigger me too quickly, or will pay enough that I can live consistently with inconsistent income? How can I get better when the very nature of work triggers me? It all feels too all-or-nothing to begin to address. I get overwhelmed and turn away.

[movementforthebetter]

Work has settled a little. I have a lull for about a month. I still have a ton of work. That will never end. That's my job security. But the pace and amount is more manageable than it was. Because it wasn't at all.

I am not good at my job. This is me speaking objectively. I hope I am adequate at it. But I really didn't perform well over the last two months. It is a daily struggle for me to manage myself and a job.  I was repeatedly triggered nearly every day since May by work and coworkers or managers. At first I tried to soldier on and maintain my self care routines, but as the triggers piled up without time to process, all my healthy routines crumbled until I was barely making it through the days, dragging myself out of bed and then going right back to bed when I got home.  It was an extremely painful experience and I am afraid to repeat it next year. 

My therapist had asked me what I want to do for work if this job isn't going to last... And again what does my ideal life look like? It's so hard for me to imagine a life in which money isn't the determining factor, but over the past couple days I've been remembering things. I love photography, and I love writing. I'm good at both. They are things I can do alone, and on my own schedule for the most part, which matters. People always say that if you're going to do it, you'd already be doing it. I spend so much time in my head with C-PTSD symptoms that I haven't done anything I really love in almost 2 years. The last time I photographed anything with a real camera was the last trip I took with my ex. And the last time I wrote anything aside from here was when I was still in school. I have ideas for both but have had no energy for follow-through. And somehow I think I need to make these things my work.

It's frightening, and yet somewhat of a relief, to realize I do have an idea of what I want to do with my life. Now I need to believe I am worth it and that it is possible for me.

[movementforthebetter]

 

Posting that for myself and anyone else who reads this - just because I like it!

I haven't written in a bit. Have been in a major sleeping spell. I think it's the mega-work-stress come-down.

I took a day off last week because it was the anniversary of my father's death. It turned out to be very good that I did. On that day I was sitting in a park when I got some more clarity about what I can do for work.

Since then, I purchased a domain for a blog and have started setting it up. I have an idea that will make some money. I just don't know how much, how long it will take, and how much work it will be, haha. But it's a solid, good idea. I will have to learn a bit about SEO optimization but otherwise I think I mostly know what I need to. The rest I will pick up as I go.

I did have to make a small investment in the plan so I can eventually see returns. That's a bummer because I am painfully tapped out this month, but I had the feeling that if I waited,  I would somehow let my inner critic talk me out of my good idea. And so I jumped in feet first. If I don't start making more money soon I may have to give up my apartment or at least forget about getting a car... Both would be considerable setbacks for me given all the work I've done and money I've spent in the last year to live on my own and learn to drive for my work (both now and future).

I had a very good session with my T last week. She pointed out/reminded me that even though I've felt the struggle keenly, I've made a lot of forward progress. I am starting to embrace and see the value in "not my circus, not my monkeys". This is something that I fundamentally struggle with due to feeling I have to take responsibility for more than my share, and if I don't I feel incredible guilt and shame. I'm trying to weave this into my job but I don't think I actually can do that at my workplace and still get my job done, and I don't think I will have satisfaction in myself if I do, to tell the truth. But it's a worthwhile goal to focus on, nonetheless.

And so I have become yet another millennial who must work more than full-time, under incredible pressure,  just to make ends meet. Three cheers for late-stage capitalism.

[movementforthebetter]

Realizing just now that all my life I have bristled at and been hurt or triggered by people telling me who and what I am. And that over the last 15 or 20 years I have internalized this so much that I became codependent, needy for validation and attention in any form, and incapable of knowing myself. Except I was never really incapable. My pain always came from the disconnect between what others think and what the truth inside me is. I became an expert at hiding my truth, even from myself. And so I have days like today where I wake up anxious for "no reason". The reasons are so well shielded behind my wall of stubborn determination that I can't articulate them. But they are there. And then I feel so much resentment at having to work sideways, backwards and upside down for the things I instinctively know I need to be well. It's like people don't actually want me to be well. More likely that very few care. Bleh. That's a lot of heavy thinking right before work.

[sanmagic7]

a lot of heavy thinking, indeed.  o so familiar to me, tho.  all my life i've struggled to be who i knew myself to be, battled against those who would have me be different.  bowing down and giving in too many times until i'd lose myself again.

progress on that front, tho.  it sounds like you're making some of your own.  you go!  mftb, you deserve to be you.  i admire you for your determination in this quest.  big hug.

[movementforthebetter]

Trigger warning for violence.

It's 3:30am and I've been awake for an hour. My insomnia has been worse in the summer for at least 15 years. And it's really flared up this past week.

There's a weird safety in the extreme early morning. Fewer people around. It's quiet and peaceful. I feel ready to get things done, limited only by daytime constraints like business hours.

I used to do this as a young person, though, too. From at least grade 9 on I would frequently wake up around sunrise, before anyone else was awake, and go for a walk. Then after the sun was up I would quietly come home and go back to bed. I'm not sure I ever told my family. Maybe I did sometimes. And gr. 9 was the year I was forced to switch schools for my brother's sake. So if early morning feels safer than night time, it makes sense that it really kicked into gear then.

On top of all of it, early morning was when my abuser, my M, was asleep. And so was her enabler. And the rest of the family. No wonder I feel a draw. Late night was when my F beat up my M. Daytime is when most of the traumatic events in life took place. Extreme early morning is still safe for me.

On top of it all, I'm pretty sure humans have a biological disposition to waking up for a period each night. Most people just seem better at ignoring it.
I've written long enough that I am tired again. Hopefully I can get enough rest for the work day. It's another day of being on the ball and trying to love my work.

[sanmagic7]

i hear you.  my favorite time for taking a walk is in the early morning before the sun is up.  i, too, love the peace and quiet of that time. 

once i'm awake, it's hard for me to fall back asleep during the night.  i have my own routine, now, which includes naps every day.  but i can't imagine what it's like to have a full night's sleep, wake up refreshed, and make it through an entire day awake. 

i've got no words of wisdom here, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this.   big hug.

[movementforthebetter]

I came home from work yesterday and went directly to bed. I have nothing left in me. Diet is certainly contributing to my fatigue. I'm In a bit of a catch 22. I can't afford better food that would give me more sustainable energy. Eating the less healthy food fills me up but that's about it. I don't have energy to cook for myself beyond opening packages even if I had healthier choices. And if I do buy healthier food I will have to choose which of my bills I'm not paying. My situation is depressing and I drown my sorrows in unhealthy foods.

Next month should be better. I keep telling myself that. I'm almost done with driving. Test is on Monday. That will free up both money and mental energy next month. I start paying my student loan again, though. So any gains nearly cancel out. I also stop therapy as my T takes mat leave. That frees up a little money, but I'm losing a major support in my life.

In Oct. I finally qualify for a small raise. Also vacation time. So next, next month will be better. 

Then I want a car, so will really have no money. But will have more time, and access to potential better jobs, and more ability to work on my idea. The tradeoffs always seem so heavy. I can work myself to death or give up & stay where I am. I'm aware it's all-or-nothing thinking. It's also pretty accurate.

I haven't worked on my idea since Sunday. Not sure if I am exhausted, avoiding, lazy, or self-sabotaging. Probably all. I'm afraid of failing, afraid of change, afraid of working harder than I already do and what that might lead to. I could live with a very little less, but a cheaper home doesn't exist here - it would be a slum. Even a roommate won't save much money. Only as a couple with no kids can people afford a decent life here.

Can't save, can't leave. Trying to scrape and buy my way into a better life. The only answer is to work even harder still, no matter my limitations. If only I had been born in the 60s or 70s I would own a home with the same job. If only I had been born into a non-broken family, I would have more support - the kind I need and crave. If only, if only. It's so hard to not give up when I look at my situation. It looks insurmountable.

I could have help, all it would cost me is the little self-worth I have. Crawl back to the abusers with my tail between my legs because they were all right about me. Or put myself into a risky situation by asking my boyfriend for help. I'm still scared of that. What if we break up but I'm financially indebted or tied to him? It terrifies me, honestly.

Instead I keep fighting on alone. It's foolish and it"s killing me slowly, but right now I can't see any alternative. It's the only way I believe I can feel good about myself because the judgements of others still affect my weak sense of self so much. Self-worth is a long-term goal worth more than money. I just haven't reached the point yet where I can actually not care about money. That's a luxury of the financially secure. And the strain of poverty on mental health is a weight few can bear well. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Keep telling myself that, too.

[woodsgnome]

Movement for the Better wrote: "I keep fighting on alone...Self-worth is a long-term goal worth more than money."

I guess that's the ride we're all on, Movement for the Better. Money has always seemed, to me, like a nuisance that can hide or distract from finding true self-worth. Having retired from a lifetime of low-paying artistic sorts of jobs, it's dreadful to see what's left in reserve. But piles of money isn't the only form of wealth, either. Not by a long shot.

Which is just my way of saying I feel your angst in so much of what you've shared here. Really, for many of us, sharing here is our only outlet for the self-worth you write so well about. You're doing it, and finding your essential self is worth more than caving to all the artificial pressure of conforming to anything other than that precious self-worth.

[sanmagic7]

mftb, i admire your persistence and determination thru all this.  you keep hanging on despite what's going on around you.  keep it up - you're an inspiration, actually.  we all need you just the way you are.  big hug.

[movementforthebetter]

Have been having a difficult day.

I slept most of the day. When not sleeping I've mostly been refreshing social media or spacing out in a video game.

I have important (to me) things to do but I have been avoiding them. So much so that I've done some cleaning and home improvement that I had procrastinated on for over a month. I cleaned out the rotten stuff from my fridge, took out the garbage and de-cluttered.

I'm feeling so lonely, and like I can't reach out until I take care of business. I even feel sad that it's a quiet day on the forum. My inner critic is very active today. The things I am not doing are setting me up for failure. Part of me thinks I can't succeed, won't succeed, don't deserve to succeed.  Alternately, coming back to this post a few hours later, I remember that it's ok to not be able to handle more right now. And that if I fail, it's one failure, or a temporary failure, not a lifetime. It's ok to be gentle with myself. I'm just not used to what gentleness and self-compassion feel like. But these bad days give me a chance to learn. So there's that silver lining I always need.

Despite the low energy and mood, I went and bought healthy food today, and cooked a meal for myself (first in a couple weeks). It was macaroni, but still. I have food for the week, fruit and veggies. I had to put groceries on my credit card which is getting dangerously close to being maxed out.  I have "latte" supplies to cut down on my sbux habit. I just have to take the time in the morning to make myself a nice drink to start the day off right.

All these things I do, they make me look ok on the outside. But it's so hard to have anyone take me at face value that I'm not ok. And so I end up "playing along", fawning, I guess. All because I don't have the confidence or strength to keep fighting for more. I tell my Dr I'm "ok" because it feels too vast and complex to try and explain my daily suffering and anxiety, to have to try to work with new meds, or to navigate a new therapy relationship.  I know this is so self-defeating but I have so much trouble pushing myself any further. Spells of taking better care of myself are outnumbered by self-neglect. Each time I rise back up, it seems a little higher, though, so I know I will eventually come back into a better spell.

All I can do is hope this is just part of my late-summer downturn and that it will lift before too long. This is all temporary and I am not going to be alone for long.

[movementforthebetter]

It's 2:40am and I've been up since 1am. I need to be up at 5am to prepare for my driving exam. I went to bed around 8pm. Why so early? Because I was tired then, and because this happens in one form or another, every night. I got 5 hours of sleep so far. I hope to still get another 2 before 5am. That would give me 7. A good night's sleep. But there are many nights that I only get 3 or 4.

I only get 8 or more on days where I don't do much but sleep.  I think I have those days because my nights are like this. I can function on 5 hours of sleep. Not the best, but passable for a day or two. But lack of sleep really exacerbates my depression and I've learned to prioritize sleep, as much as I can get, when I can get it. Continual sleep-debt means I tend to crash, too. This all feeds into diet, which feeds back into sleep. It's such a complicated knot to untangle, and despite "better" spells, I've never slept well. Occasionally I've rested well. When that happens, the difference in my mood is astronomical.

I always shake my head internally when parents complain about the lack of sleep. I understand that it's bad, and that it's the short intervals that are the killer. But for a parent it lasts for generally 2 years at most before a child starts sleeping through the night. For me, this interrupted sleep is my life.

Despite all this, and discussing it with Dr's and psychiatrists over the years, I don't have a chronic insomnia diagnosis, or any other obvious health issue that causes this.  I am not medicated to try and regulate sleep. It's just another way I look normal on the outside, but my actual life is far from it. I manage, but despite seeking help and trying many things over the yeara, have not found any "cure".

I'm actually in a decent mood now. Hope it holds for the week. I could really use the boost in positivity. At this weird moment in the middle of the night, things seem ok.

[sanmagic7]

this sleep deprivation stuff, uneasy sleep, interrupted sleep - i'm convinced it's all symptoms of  the c-ptsd beast.  it's so awful.  i'm so thankful that i have the opportunity to take naps during the day.  otherwise i'd fall asleep no matter what i was doing (toward the end, i'd fall asleep at my desk while reading reports).  it really is horrible attempting to function without proper sleep.

i hope this gets settled for you as quickly as possible, mftb.  as far as looking 'ok' to the world, i get it.  i get how much energy it takes to do that,  and how much it would take to talk to the docs about it, about your reality.  it just sucks.  sending you a hug of strength and energy to enable you to do what you need to do to take care of you the best you can.  hangin' right beside you with this, my dear.   

[movementforthebetter]

Some really good news! I passed my test and got my driver's license.


I had a really long review with my instructor and towards the end of it I was getting very flustered and unfocused. He's an impatient man and had one of those student wheels. He'd grab control of the steering when he got impatient and I didn't get a really good feel for how to do some things so I was worried and wondering why I. Was getting so upset. Then I realized he was making me flash back to my M!

Once I realized that and had a break before the test, I was able to relax a bit and did much better on my own. Phew! Quite the realization.

One more big thing that was hanging over my head is checked off the list of stuff that holds me back. I took the day off for the test, and I have the rest of the day to relax and celebrate. Check and check.