Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

So it just occurred to me that my M picked at me and aside from goodbye hugs as an adult, that's the only time she touched me once I hit puberty. I don't think she touched me much before that, either. So not only is it self harm but it was also one of the only ways of soothing that I have ever known.  No wonder it's so hard to stop doing it. There's a whole subconscious level that if I stop, not only do I remain "imperfect" but I also lose her contact. It never occurred to me before that picking is my main memory of closeness to my M and one of the few times I *thought* she cared.  I know now that was not a caring action, but it was hard-wired into me as one. Would it count as more abuse? Maybe? But it was not love.

So I need to replace it with something easy to become automatic, something tactile. Clay is a good suggestion, Danaus, thanks. I am trying to keep a small stone with me to fidgit with. It's a good shape for my fingers. I find a lack of pockets to be an issue so am considering having a pendant made or just looking for one that would fit the bill. It would be better for the action to be self-loving, but I don't think I can get away with massaging myself all the time.

[Three Roses]

I went to a new-age shop where they sold crystals and stones; I didn't read the descriptions but instead closed my eyes and handled them  (feeling foolish all the while). One of the stones felt different to me, and so I read its description. It was exactly what I was looking for! (It was aventurine.)

While I don't put a lot of power in crystals and stones, there is something comforting about them. I keep several around to slip in my pocket to fiddle with in stressful situations, and have made a couple into necklaces.

[movementforthebetter]

Just got home from EMDR session 4.

I talked to my T about the picking and how kindness triggered it. She suggested maybe I could try an eraser or something small that it's ok to destroy -putty came up, too. She said it's extremely common for women survivors to be unable to accept kindness or compliments, that it takes time to adjust. So I guess I was having a setback in that regard last week. There's a chance we will spend a session on just the pickung to see if it helps because it's a maladaptive soothing behaviour, and she's done it for addictions in the past with success. I am curious about that.

Overall, from the things I talked about with regard to my life and relationship she said she's hearing self worth coming up so that is good progress. I keep being hard on myself when I slip into one of the unwanted behaviors but those slips are tied into some really important realizations I have made so I am still on track. I am now face to face with my fear of being alone, which is greater than my fear of staying and being unhappy, even though I know it's irrational.

Today we continued reprocessing being parentified. The image of me as a child is now more clearly a memory, rather than directly connected to me, if that makes sense. I accepted that I was/am deserving of care and emotional support. My phrase for integration was "I am worthy". But entwined with that is now the knowledge that even in the face of the pain of others, I am still worthy of care, love, and emotional support. I also know that I had no power to leave then, but I can now leave anyone, anytime things become unhealthy for me. And that this isn't running from my problems but choosing what is in my best interest.

This was a very emotional day for me and a big one. I think this is the laying of the foundation for my future happiness and well-being.

[Three Roses]

 

Well done, you!

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks!

I just noticed something interesting. My T asked yesterday if I could just sit with the urge to pick. Just notice it. I've been trying to without too much luck. The anxiety usually becomes unbearable. But just now I noticed that I had run the clock out on my anxiety (first time I've ever noticed it without needing sleep due to an ef or panic attack). And underneath the anxiety is nothingness.

I think it might be the emptiness that others refer to. I've never been aware of it before. It's scary. But still I'm just observing. Is this what actually causes my anxiety? And all the urges and maladaptive behaviours? I'm in a surprisingly zen mood writing this, but also expecting the other shoe to drop at any point.

With regards to my self-esteem and highly critical nature, is it a fear reaction to the threat perceived by "being nothing"? Such a statement would reinforce my M's abuse and neglect.

Having this thought made me stop writing for a couple minutes brought on a pick fit so I think that's a yes! But I also pick in response to kindness, so in that case am I still afraid of being empty, or am I afraid/anxious that I am important (and have to live up to that somehow)?

Further implications: have I somehow been dissociating through picking, binge eating, even anxiety? I don't know.

This is all pretty existential and I'll need time to digest it and see if it still makes sense.

[movementforthebetter]

Further to this, why is it literally all or nothing? Could it be both or neither or a red herring?

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGER WARNING for this post on sexual abuse.

EMDR session 5. It was big. Not as emotionally charged as the other sessions. But it was all over the place. This post is big and all over the place, too. And now that I am revisiting yesterday I feel sad, grieving, and tired.

I'm worried I will forget some of the realizations but I was too spent to write about it yesterday. Hopefully reprocessing sticks in my brain the way it's supposed to. At this point I can see I will be going longer than the standard 8 sessions. I am my T's jackpot, lol, and my abuse was not as severe as others. But severity does not equal impact.

Overall it's been good that I have had a couple sessions back to back and then a week between to digest the experience and realize new things. This can't be rushed, and still what does click happens very quickly when it's ready.

This session's target is my molestation by a babysitter twice my age when I was 7ish. For all of my youth I never even knew what happened was wrong. I was in my late 20s before I told my best friends. And then this year before I told anyone else. It's still hard for me to admit because me feelings are so complicated. My T wanted to address it and I wasn't even sure I should. The only shame I think I feel is that I didn't know it was wrong. I don't think it was my fault, and I didn't even think it's had a long-term impact on me. I don't see myself as a survivor in that regard because for the longest time I saw it as exploration and not a big deal. Intellectually I understand that is denial. If it was no big deal why did she tell me to keep it a secret, and why did I comply?

I can't remember if I talked about it in group all those years ago. I know my experiences were sometimes dismissed or minimized there. After hearing others I probably minimized my own experiences, too. It occurs to me that group therapy can also do harm if each person isn't also being carefully monitored one on one. Again, this is a topic for a more general post I have yet to write.

I realize that I have probably been in a constant cycle of terror or dissociation most of my life from childhood until now, 36 years. I think the SA falls into dissociation. I thought back to my thoughts about picking and anxiety and the underlying nothingness. I visualized the nothingness. It was a huge pit, like something from a movie. Black and bottomless. It scares me. I was on the edge looking in and had to step back from fear. I think the pit is where all the secrets of my life live. I think the pit is the core of me.

Other people spent their lives developing interests and talents in supportive families. I spent my years dropping secrets in the pit and navigating its edges to not fall in. I felt sad for who I might have been.

EMDR allowed me to put all these memories together in sequence for the first time. I had never thought of the chronology of childhood before.
In the space of about 2 years my parents married, dad left us, I was parentified, I was molested, we moved, switched schools, switched schools back. After that I started acting out. A teacher said something bad about my B and I started saying she should be fired. I was suspended. My M was actually proud of me, how sick is that?  The next year I stopped doing homework. I was tested to see if I should have been in academic challenge but came 2 percent under. For a while I was angry that no adults in my life intervened. Now I think that was the intervention, but when they asked I was too scared to say anything bad and half of what had happened I didn't even recognize as bad because I had no stability to compare it to. What could I have been if only I had been supported. I loved school. I never stood a chance in the face of all that abuse, but I still almost got placed in AC because of my smarts alone. So I guess I can be proud of my innate strength.

Despite not having as clear emotions for this session I recognized that I kept starting to drift away. I brought my rock and had to take a break to ground in the present. I remembered I have been interested in geology since I was a kid. Also marine biology. And space. I was a budding scientist.

I think that's all that I have to write abiut now. I am exhausted and need a nap. More grief coupled with dissociation I think.

Despite all this I ended knowing that I am getting healthier and stronger. I am gaining understanding and confidence. So only that top half is a pity party. I am processing my tangled past bit by bit.

[movementforthebetter]

I just referred to myself as a survivor and meant it. Feeling resolved today. It's a good feeling. I feel like I am reclaiming my life from all the people I had given control of it to. A round of applause for myself for today. 

[Three Roses]

   Good job, you!

[movementforthebetter]

Dreamt in third person of going with a male friend & meeting a large group of people to go skiing. We got to the camp by a risky route down a mountain and one person was being mean, in particular calling out and belittled my eating habits. I was not eating the healthiest food at the time. I then told the group about my childhood and how all the rooms on our place had doorknobs with glass ends that you could see through. It wasn't until years later that I realized that doorknobs are supposed to be solid metal. So my food choices might not be the best but I was still happy that I was where I was because for a long time after I didn't want to live. Everyone was supportive of me and disgusted by the bully.

Dream became first person for sure but I was a different Third person with a guy and a girl. The guy was a person I know and was upfront that he might self harm. He would pick at or scratch his arms until they bled. The girl ran away. She tried to find a hiding spot. I was worried and went looking high and low for her in hidden spaces like awnings or spaces by signs.

I think the glass doorknobs are metaphorical for the lack of privacy and real security I had growing up. Also for coping tools, and families. Everyone else I knew seemed to have normal, functioning, solid metal ones. I feel like the people might all represent me but am not totally sure.

Later I was running with a child trying to hide from Australian police. I was with a man whose identity shifted. We ran through alleys and buildings and ended up hiding behind a brick wall that turned out to be a rigged backdrop that was lowering. We tried to raise it but were exposed. The police didn't seem to be directly looking for us if we didn't cause trouble. We ran and eventually ended up back where we started. Fuzzy details then crows woke me up.

[movementforthebetter]

Wednesday saw me say to M. that the next guy I get in a relationship with has to meet me on my level, and that guys like that will be so rare I don't think I will focus on relationships. She agrees and says she's in the same place. I want someone who has seen the dark side of life but worked his way through it, and can be supportive, intuitive and gentle or assertive as needed. Confident but humble. The spirit of an explorer and the intellect of a scholar of the world. Someone communicative, affectionate, expressive and curious. Tall order. I wonder if I will compromise in this or stay strong in these new beliefs. If I stay strong then I will likely be single a long time so it's good that I wanted to get comfortable being on my own.

Thursday I called my bro and we are on the same page that unless there's a dramatic shift my M will likely need long term care in 7 to 10 years when she ages out of disability. She might draw some small pension but we don't think she has any retirement savings. We want her to go to a home, neither of us wants to be caregiver. I worry I will be stuck supporting her if my bro is living abroad and not making a good wage. So this means the clock is ticking for her condition to improve (unlikely with PD) or to find a solution for her. I am grateful I see it now so it's not a nasty surprise but feel so dissapointed. She has robbed my past, present and future of wide swaths of options.

Friday I talked with my paramour for lack of a better word and told him my realizations on romance. I want my life to work for me and give me a chance to flourish. I think I can have most things I want in life without a relationship.

Saturday I detailed the situation with my mom to B. I think he might be starting to clue in? I left tabs for hometown companies I was interested in open, by accident at first, and he probably looked at them so knows I am looking/thinking about it. I suppose in some ways that is like passive agressive sabotage but I really don't want this to be a total shock after so long together. If he's been paying attention it won't be. If he hasn't then I guess he's earned the shock.

Thinking I notice parallels between my mom and me re dissociation especially with zoning out addictive behaviours such as sleeping, internet, self isolation. The difference is I am self reflecting and looking to change behaviours but I don't think she is. I am zoning out as a way to pass the remaining time without engaging with B. I recognize my unhappiness in relationships now. I think she is in the same situation but to a further degree. I don't want to guess what's going on in her head nor do I want to end up like her or B's mom. If I end up caring for her she will practically be my adult child and might want to be my best friend. Is that what they call emotional incest? Going to have to read about that.

Today was a funny day of synchronicity. M. posted about romantic friendship love between women being a great threat to heteronormative patriarchy because it challenges the belief (and disproves) that you need sex to be fulfilled in a relationship. Tonight B & I watched a show in which a woman said she realized that in her life men were only good for two things, moving things and sex. Lol, and amen? Other than those two things, have relationships with men ever brought me anything I couldn't have also shared with a friend?

[movementforthebetter]

Today was EMDR session 6. I had an hour and a half appointment this week  instead of two one hour sessions in a week. My memory was foggy as to what we worked on last week so I guess that's a good sign. The sessions seem to blend together now. Today we closed off the memory of being molested and I realizex that most of my shame around it eas actually due to the secrecy of it than the act itself. As a child there was no way for me to kbow better or different. This was even before my first sex ed class, I believe. And I never put it together all those years. But I knew secrets were wrong in my family, even though everybody kept some. And so the secrets filled me with shame of being a bad person. I know now that I am good and wasn't to blame.

The next target we worked on was physical abuse at the hands of my M. I rated it about a 6 out of 10 for distress. This was tough for me to connect with, though. I felt strained and tense and had difficulty tracking my T's fingers.  I felt anxious and afraid and tense for quite a few intervals. The negative association we assigned it was "I am powerless". Eventually I felt that the fear was not mine, it was mine as a child. I felt some tension start to release. I was eventually able to identify that there was sadness underneath all that tension. Sadness that nothing I could have done would have made it different. Slowly I came to realise that everything I was feeling were things that stuck with me because my mother denied them ever happening, and I had to make my own closure. I came to see that I had no power to leave or control what was happening then, but I do have the power to leave any dangerous situations or people behind me now. I control my experiences in this world and I don't have to let the past affect me anymore.

We finished the session with a body and light affirmation excercise. I really drifted away during it and left feeling the most relaxed I have to date. Now I am just tired fromnall the emotional work.

[movementforthebetter]

After a lot of reflection and coming around I have realized that living with my friend would be an ideal situation. I have asked her for help. Now to see if it will work out. If so, I will have a place to call home and won't be totally alone. Here's hoping!

[Three Roses]

 

[annakoen]