Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

Thank you both! I want to read more of other people's journals and give my support as well. I've found it to be too triggering so far, but hopefully soon.

 

[movementforthebetter]

This is the last weekend before I tell my bf what is on my mind and that I am leaving. I will probably couch surf for a bit and go home only to pack up.

We're going away for the weekend with a couple. They are the bf's friends. I find the husband agreeable but the wife is ... I don't know... rather like a narc waif who never stops talking and drives me bonkers. I don't know if she talks so much out of love for her own voice or fear of silence. Literally can't get a word in edgewise. Have to actually interrupt her monologuing to hear anyone else. Couldn't turn sown the weekend because then be would stay home and I didn't think I was  ready to have the talk when we planned this weekend. I wish I had turned it down. But on the plus side, lots of time outside.

Give me strength to deal with the coming weekend and week gracefully and with conviction.

[movementforthebetter]

I am home now. I am drained, almost catatonic. I'm in bed but not sure if I'll sleep. It was an extremely difficult weekend for unexpected reasons. This is possibly triggery post regarding death.



We were having a decent enough time on the trip and then late yesterday afternoon word came in that the husband's sister had died suddenly. It was a complicated situation and I haven't the energy to explain it here. The outcome was that I was the one left to comfort the shocked and grieving husband while the wife and bf took care of some essential business for a couple hours. We were stuck in a hotel room in a small city in a different country from the husband's family. He was unable to go home to them immediately due to complicated immigration matters literally all he could do was wait. I made myself available and eventually he wanted to get out of the room. We went to a restaurant and drank a couple pitchers of beer to dull the pain.

I tried to keep him talking, keep him from dwelling in the grief fully as he wasn't in a position to really let go yet. I told hom about my experiences when my F died unexpectedly while I was on my way home to visit him, How I went into shock and got on the plane and slept through the flight so I wouldn't have to feel the pain, how by the time we landed I had convinced myself I must have misunderstood or that it was a cruel prank. But it wasn't. I went directly from the airport to the hospital morgue to view my father's body. He was supposed to meet me at the airport but instead he was gone. How he looked like a different person. How I was uttely changed forever in that moment. How my grief became worse when shock wore off but eventually did recede.

And I told him all this not really knowing him that well. I told it and I was sad but not expressing much emotion. I had a wall around my heart. I didn't think I could bear his grief if I had to feel my own again, too.

I also told him about my therapy. He's a vetran of Afghanistan, one of only two vetrans I have spoken with. He came back with ptsd. I told him about cptsd and my emdr. He had also been through therapy. We talked about the crueltu of recruiting children without direction to fight wars and not properly supporting them upon return.

Because of my traumas I could find common ground with him in his time of grief and need.

Later I busted out an old skill and rolled a couple joints for him. I'm good at it despite not smoking anymore. We all drove to a lake and stared at the houses across the water and they smoked up. I had just a little. I rarely smoke anymore. Then after a while we made our way back to our room for some unrestful sleep before heading home.

I hope I helped him and didn't trigger him or make his grief worse. I hope I didn't talk too much about myself. I didn't know how to help but I tried my best to get him through "right now".

This morning when he was showering his wife said something along the lines of "at least the worst is over". I wanted to smack her, but instead I said 'it doesn't really work that way." Both her and my bf are so dense when it comes to others beyond themselves. At least she had the sense to not leave him alone. I think I may have been the right person at the right time. I hope so. I hope he gets the support he needs and can get home.

[Three Roses]

Big hugs to you! I'd be thoroughly drained, after that. I think you were exactly the right person, now you should rest up too. Personally, when I've had to deal with death, hearing others' stories has helped me keep my mind off it and provided a sense of being understood. I'm sure you said exactly what was needed at the time.

[movementforthebetter]

I had told my close friends because I needed support to work up courage. One friend told her husband a little, not a lot and I guess not that ot was a secret until one of us talked about it. The husband let it slip at lunch today so it forced my hand even though I wasn't ready as I wanted to be. I just told now exbf and he barely said anything but he said he had some inkling and was about to say he didn't want to be with somebody who didn't want to touch him. He also said he doesn't want to force me out, that we could just live as roommates for now. I guess we'll see how that is after a few days and if it will work or not. I told him it was because of my mom and my past and because we don't communicate well. Told him he can keep the car and that the last thing I want is to hurt him but I can't do the things I need to do here and within a relationship. I don't know what I was expecting. I have no right to expect anything. He went and took a shower and then started reading. I think maybe he's trying to be strong... Not sure. But that lack of communication was exactly why I needed to leave. I told him I would leave him be for a while so I guess I will sit in this park for a few hours and contemplate life.

[movementforthebetter]

Well here it is, 3am and despite crying my eyes swollen I woke up wide awake. Not only did today not go well, I have absolutely no clue what to do next.

My friend that I was to move in with did not call when she said she would. She was going to confirm that everything was all set and what date I could move in. But I didn't know those crucial bits of info so I was holding off on the breakup so I wouldn't be homeless. I texted her what happened and right away she asked if I needed to talk and I said yeah. While talking she told me that she now has tennants in her house for at least 6 months after it sat vacant for the last 6 months so suddenly we can no longer move in there. I feel betrayed.

And my close (I thought) friend told her husband who told bf says she's so mad at her husband. I am so mad at her! She said she told her h just a little in case I needed to stay with her. So why would the h say anything at all about it when seeing both of us? I should have known it was a mistake to trust such delicate info to others! Again I feel betrayed.

Spent hours talking/crying to B. About how I feel, what I need, and what we don't have. About needing to try to be there for my M whether or not she chooses to try and get healthy. Tjat I can't be someone who sees her like she is but does nothing. He spent hours "explaining his feelings" and I am so confused. He tells me he is devoted to me and that he wants to grow old with me and wants to marry me. (Oh really, after 9 years where is the ring? He would have kept things like this forever if he could) That he wants to support me emotionally through everything I am going through. So many sudden words from a man who never talks about anything emotional.

So many deep, deep wounds he caused in selfishness over the years and yet acts like it's my fault I can't forgive or my fault because I didn't communicate well enough how hurt I was by these things. He doesn't understand I want a partner who would have never done them in the first place if I ever have a partner again. Doesn't understand the cumulative hurt it has caused me and that I can't trust him not to abandon me in the same ways in the future. He says he would give up his career we both invested years in building for him to help support me with my mom. I don't want that. I think he would resent me.

I told him how I don't have energy for a relationship and how I have no interest in sex or romance since starting this journey. I didn't say I feel those things about him specifically. It felt too cruel. But I might have to, might have to tell him I cheated. I was trying to spare his feelings. But I made it clear how I feel and he says he still wants to be with me.Why would he love someone but not show it? Why would he love someone who can't love herself?

I told him I felt how I felt and him trying to reason or bargin with me didn't change things. He says he's just explaining his feelings, that he gets a say in this too. I said no, if one partner is unhappy it means the relationship is not working for both. He kept on explaining his devotion until I told him I was too exhausted to think. I had to go to bed. He went to the couch. Then I wake up at 3am and I tell him to go to bed and now I am on the couch. Nothing was resolved and nothing feels final. We just had circular talk in which I said I can't change how I feel and he professed he was doing everything he could to make me happy, that he was learning and improving and his life was devoted to me.

I feel so betrayed, confused, and alone. What do I do next and who can I believe anymore? Am I crazy like my mom or is he a covert narc scrambling to keep me now that I am trying (again) to leave? Is it something in between?

Even if I leave I have nowhere to go for six months. I need somentime and space to figure this mess out, if I can.

[movementforthebetter]

So we are going to try couples therapy and he might get therapy himself. I will have to make more frequent trips back to the homeland so I can keep an eye on things there and we might go back together some time. And we'll take it bit by bit. He says he wants to make it work. I believe him. So we'll see what time proves. I really hope he proves he does want to improve our lives together. I told him there's no guarantee. But I do want to know we tried.

[Three Roses]

He can do it! My husband is a changed man; if he can do it - anyone who truly feels the need to change can do it. After all, I'm changing, too.

[movementforthebetter]

I am fighting an internal crisis now. I feel that I let myself down, have no courage or integrity. I couldn't break up with him and I feel trapped and that I let myself down now that I've agreed to stay. I feel like we are doomed. He might change but could it be enough? I look at hom and feel no attraction. I had troubling dreams last night and some realizations.

He didn't sleep well either. He's afraid of what our friends are thinking. Why can't we just face that we don't make eachother happy? Why are we so codependent?

Realized that besides enjoying sex, I have been using it as a way of getting approval from men. (duh)  Approval that I felt I needed to replace the approval of my father. I think I am prone to cheating when I feel abandoned as I did when my dad left us. (Confusion of bonding from sex with love, how freudian). So when my love for my partner is not returned or when I feel particularly vulnerable like after dad's death or during the last year of medical procedures when I felt neglected, that is when I am at my lowest and vulnerable to infidelity as I try to get what I lack in my life.

Ugh. Will try to talk to my friends on Monday. Don't know who I can say what to anymore but in for a penny, in for a pound I supose.

[movementforthebetter]

I am too scared and too cowardly to even decide what I need in life and act on it. My M and my repeated patterns in life seem to have completely destroyed my self esteem in this area.

I still am not sleeping well, like every night. I still am having bad dreams. It's like the progress I made through therapy evaporated in this regard. It's like I have battered woman syndrome without ever having been struck (by a romantic partner).

I realize now that when I tried to leave it triggered the mother (heh) of all EFs. Looking into my bfs eyes at that moment and seeing all that pain became unbearable for me. It was like looking into a mirror. Suddenly my Inner Child knew only fear and my Inner Critic was opening the abyss of nothingness for me to see. It was telling me I was bad, I was wrong to hurt anyone, ever, because my feelings don't matter, I will fail on my own, I will be lonely and suffer on my own. I realize now how much extra punnishment I heap on myself because of my infidelities, consciously, in addition to the almost subliminal messaging of my ICr.

I am afraid of the weakness at my core that makes my lack of integrity possible. Maybe that is who I really am. A lying, cheating, lazy coward. If it's the work of my ICr then I can still counter it. I know my values in life are kindness and compassion. I just don't extend my values to myself unless it's in monents of destructive actions and release from pain.

I need to reinforce in my brain and my heart that I am a good person. I deserve happiness in my life. I deserve to put my own needs and well-being first. I matter. That failure is a risk on any path and that not trying is the only guaranteed failure. I don't have to be lonely and suffer all the time; I can fill my life with things that bring me meaning and purpose. My infidelities were damaging mistakes but they don't define me and I can still learn from them and grow.

I am touched that my bf says he wants to change to make our relationship work. But ultimately I believe he just said anything he could to keep me. I don't think he meant or wanted all the things he said. Whether that's truth, or just me being unable to trust, I don't know yet. But I do know that in my goals for therapy and life I wanted to learn to not feel I need a relationship in order to be a complete person.

I hope I don't wear out my welcome with my friends while I am working this out. It's not fair to anyone. Then again, having to try to leave before I was ready wasn't fair to me either. I did the best I could. It turned out poorly. But I can continue building my strength and try to be present to see if bf does change or even seems to want to.

[Danaus plexippus]

Give http://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/ a try. Link around a bit. See if you find something that helps. I've decided to take the advice of Dr. Kristin Neff. It's all stuff we've heard before, but simplified and spelled out so we can practice it even in the throws of an EF.

[movementforthebetter]

I am behind in writing two emdr reports now. I'm finding it hard to deal with anything beyond what I absolutely have to. I read a bit but am finding the reading triggering because I feel powerless again. I am a caged tiger pacing the perimeter. And yet I guess I am also an avoidant tiger.

I'm part way through some dental work that's made me very uncomfortable until it is completed next week. Basically if I could dissociate through this week I would. But I actually went to a job interview today. I remember when the bf went to job interviews I used to make sure we went out to dinner or did something noce to celebrate the effort regardless of the outcome. Nothing similar offered to me. Golden Rule fails again. We got desert tonight because I was really craving it. Now I think I know why - I was needing some comfort and encouragement more along what I give to others.

Feeling sorry for my self, and trying to recognize that feeling is actually my inner child calling to me saying she's sad, tired and lonely. Gonna fall asleep hugging a stuffed animal like a kid again tonight.

Can't focus to write a meaningful update. Life is taking more attention than recovery atm since things blew up last week. Still want out, still no where to go that I can stay long enough to get back on my feet. But if I get this job I can start to save $. It would also delay recovery and might put therapy on hold. I think it'd be worth it though, so I could focus more later.

My train of thought was once described by someone as constantly derailing where as most people's just chugs along in a relatively stable way. I feel that statement applies to my life, too.

[movementforthebetter]

Between the pain in my tooth and my recovery work I am filled with anger today.

There's still lots to say to bf but frankly I would rather focus on myself. Last night he mentioned we have to find a therapist and I said he should look for one he might feel comfortable with and he replied it sounds like a lot of work. I said yes it is and went to bed shortly thereafter but wrote here before sleeping.

Going to work out some anger through cleaning. I pretty much ceel sick of all men and I'm not sure if that's a phase in healing or a self realization. Can I ever feel attracted to someone again when right now I cringe or jump inconsistently at his touch?

I got a call back for that job and I got it. Need to work out if financially I am better off with it or my benefits since it's nearly min wage and I was making considerably more before. Plus it would derail therapy. But would allow saving to get out.

My life is busy even without fulfillment. Satisfaction is  the goal I have to keep in my sights.

[movementforthebetter]

The belated Session 7 EMDR report.  I've waited too long and my life has been too chaotic of late for me to remember much at the moment but I will add to this entry if I remember more.

We processed seeing my farher (who was trying to see us) after my mother lied that my father would kidnap us. I was about age 9. The image I associated with it was me on my bike trying to escape from my father in his car. The phrase associated with it was "I am powerless" again. I worked to integrate the understanding that now as an adult I can keep myself safe and leave unsafe people and situations. I don't remember too much but the overwhelming feeling was fear. At one point the image in my mind switched to me as an adult on my kids bike. I like to think that is me now showing my inner child that she is safe.

We also processed my being forced to switch schools at age 14 due to my B being bullied and how I lost all my friends. By the time we got to it I'd been through so much that it didn't feel so charged anymore. We went through it pretty quickly. I think the associated feelings were ones of loss and abandonment. This was when I entered grade 9 and my weight ballooned as I was starting puberty (late). At this current point in my life I want to make more efforts to keep in touch with my friends. I know this is 50 percent up to me and feel more able to do something about it now.

[movementforthebetter]

Ok, can't sleep so time to write about EMDR session 8.

This one took my whole hour and a half session to deal with.

It was me being yelled at by a prof in college in front of all my classmates, supervisors, and peers. He was not even my prof. A prof of mine was present and said nothing. I was falling behind in work but did not deserve the intense public dressing down I got.

I was 19. I was out on my own for the first time and trying to navigate the world with a head full of FOG. I was an idiot and a major screw-up but naiive and just terribly misguided. So much so I didn't even know how unwell I was. I lived in denial but the cracks in my life were spreading. I needed counselling but was so programmed I didn't see any symptoms in myself. I was living in my M's way so I took no responsibility for anything, I am still sad to say.

So in a project meeting this prof started laying into me red faced at full volume and all I did was freeze. I heard him but the words didn't register. I had fully dissociated. This is one of only a few times I know I did this. All I felt was shame, fear and anger. I was a shell witnessing this happen and seeing all my peers witness my humiliation. It was my M all over again. Worse, no one else said anything. I took it as them condoning his actions. After the yelling the meeting ended and I wandered into the stairwell and collapsed sobbing. One other person came and sat by me and said she knew I wasn't really there, that I had gone somewhere else while the rage was unleashed on me. After that I collaped on myself, started skipping classes and failed my last term of college, never graduating from that program. The shame has always haunted me.

Because of the pattern and magnitude this is a major event for me. It was professional and personal failure. Proof I was worthless. It had long ladting financial ramifications. It was also further abandonment as no one stood up against the tyrant.

So in this session I had to come to terms with the fact that this level of anger probably made everyone uncomfortable so no one spoke up. The waves of fear, shame, and loneliness rolled. This one bully ruled the whole department. Tension was throughout my body. Even writing of now my jaw is so clenched. I did not defend myself then and I believed I deserved it.

I did not deserve such incredibly inappropriate unprofessional rage. I did not deserve, in a room full of men and women, with a man yelling at a woman, a student, for no one to say anything. I did not deserve an upbringing so toxic that I couldn't recognize I needed help much less ask for it, and in a room full of people who could see me struggling publicly, I did not deserve for all of them to chose to let me sink.

I cried a lot in this session. I think it was the most painful to date. So much past and future focused in that incident. I went from seeing indistinct forms to remembering other people that were there. My T had to guide me a lot in this one.

I am integrating that I can face dificult people with confidence in myself and separate past pain from current conflicts. That I can learn and grow from my failures rather than internalize them. That not all authority figures are unworthy of my respect. If successful this will change my professional life as I have only recently realized how big a problem dissociating at work is for me. At least I woul like to be satisfied at a job for more than a year without feeling the need to flee.