Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

So based on my experience, an online test can never come even close to the process I went through, as I think the whole diagnosis hinges more on the interview and subsequent feedback from the team, two of whom I had talked to before. So in fact I was assessed by three psychologist whom have had a personal contact with me.

Now, with the danger of me interpreting your online SCID II story as a non-professional: if these "highly dependant, avoidant, histrionic and borderline, and moderately narcissistic" traits only show up at work, you do not have a PD. To 'qualify' for a PD, these traits would have to be present in most parts of your life.

What a slap in the ego.

I hope I'm not adding insult to injury (which certainly is not my intention), but that made me chuckle.
Mostly because I can relate to that feeling.
I bet your Inner Critic ran off with it too, no? Cheering and celebrating while you had just received a knock-out. Oh boy, did your Inner Critic felt validated by the SCID II results. Or am I wrong?
I might be. My Inner Critic would do such a thing.
I think my Inner Critic was deeply disappointed I didn't have a PD, and that all the traits of PD's I did show were all tied to my FOO.

Well, enough about me, excuse me for butting in, but I felt I had to say something about the SCID II I had.

PS: Pretty brave of you to take an online SCID II.

Thanks for commenting on this, Dutch Uncle! I did only complete the questionnaire, (which seemed pretty vague) and only answered with work in mind. So not a full picture of me and not properly assessed at all.

You are right, my inner critic had a field day! Suddenly my uPDM, SF, and every jerk I ever dated were vindicated and I was clearly a broken needy drama queen, just like they said. It was a TKO for the Inner Crittic!   

I actually think it's kinda funny now, too! I should know better, and that's not my inner critic talking, that's my compassionate side. It does no good to be afraid of things a dr has never suggested to me. I am a bit too curious for my own good sometimes. It's a thin line between brave and stupid [silly].


In case it's not clear, I emphatically reccommend to anyone else reading that you don't try to self-assess something as serious as a personality disorder. Seek medical help.

[movementforthebetter]

That sounds a lot like the headaches I get. A washcloth soaked in hot water (not too hot to burn), applied over the eyes and nose, while you breathe in the steam from the washcloth. The times I most get those headaches is when I'm trying to control my emotions.

I don't reply a lot when you're posting in your journal as I don't want to interrupt your journaling. Come to think of it, it seems replies in general have sort of tapered off.

I haven't taken the SCID II, I'm afraid to.  I'm sure it's very triggering so I'll steer clear for now. 

Hi Three Roses, thanks for commenting. Sorry to hear you vet those too. They're bad enough I can barely think but not the same as a migrane. I will try the washcloth tonight. It sounds very soothing. I have only recently connected my jaw problems to emotional issues. It was quite a lightbulb moment. I have a lot of work ahead to try and relax it.

I don't normally expect replies in my journal. For some reason I was surprised at first to realize anyone was even reading it. I started to get used to comments then started looking for validation through them, so your instincts are on the mark.

On top of that, we all have our personal loads to carry and our own triggers, so it's just not reasonable to expect replies to journal posts. I know this, but in weaker moments I forget for a while. I imagine it can be pretty tough or triggering for you mods, to, so please don't feel that you need to reply more than you do. You all do so much for us here and I really appreciate it.

That post of sanmagic7's I linked to is so timely and solid gold in relation to what I just went through. Gonna re-read it now.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks for commenting on this, Dutch Uncle! [...] I actually think it's kinda funny now, too! I should know better, and that's not my inner critic talking, that's my compassionate side.

  I'm relieved and happy I did jump in then.
Self-compassion is the best medicine against the vitriol the Inner Critic spews out.

[movementforthebetter]

Processing what's been said to me by exbf while we were breaking up is an excercise in acceptance. At first he invalidated me by drowning me in feelings of love that weren't shown while we were together. It confused and overwhelmed me. I'm not sure that it was intentional. It was probably almost instinctual. I've probably done similar things in the past. It bought him a reprive until I came to my senses. Then in the second breakup conversation when he was much more level headed he said we moved too fast when we got together. I agreed. We did. I know that now. But today I feel angry about hom saying that. It feels like he was placing the responsibility for the progression of our relationship on me. He was the one that asked me to move in with him across the country! We were equal partners in this mess. But I am the one who broke up with him. I can't control his reaction. Only what I do with it. So fine, I am angry for now. It will pass.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post for traumatic accidents to children, violence and death although most of what is being journalled below only happened in a dream.


On Friday my friend texted me late to say she couldn't get together on the weekend because her toddler son had gotten his arm caught in an elevator door and had to be taken to emergency. He is ok now with just a partial fracture, swelling and bruising. She was pretty traumatized by it.


I had a terrible nightmare in the morning yesterday and I don't know if it's because of what she told me or something else.

It was about a pokemon like video game that took over people's minds as they played the game. Real monsters would appear and kill people who resisted. otherwise it would make people kill others including friends and family. It mind controlled a young man who was playing the game in an empty theatre. It made him lure some friends into an industrial area and there he dumped cement on 6 of them by the time their friends could uncover them they were dead. It looked to everyone else like a drunken prank gone horribly wrong.

The monster used the game and learned text input as people chatted like they do online. It also monitored Audio and video from laptops and ipads so it knew if anyone caught on or were plotting against it. People who didn't play couldn't be mind controlled but they could be used as zombies once dead.

I(?) (from the perspective of a third person didn't look like me) tried to warn the players in written notes but failed.

The monster was like a giant omnipotent squid. It could come up through the ground or any hole in walls.

The dream was so gorey. I saw a minimum of 60 people killed. It happened in an abandoned theatre, an industrial site, a church, and a small pioneer-like town. In the church and town, once dead the "zombies", who looked normal, would kill others around them. I saw parents kill children and frontier men walking around with knives sticking out of their foreheads or chests or axes out of their backs. Some people tried to hide in the woods but were found. 

Awful dream and I was startled awake with a jump. I have never had a nightmare like this before. There's a lot to unpack here and I don't know if I will be able to.

[movementforthebetter]

Woke from a vague dream I don't remember after only falling asleep 3 hours earlier. Exbf had gone out to see friends for the evening. Stayed out late, came home @ midnight. Came into bed @ 3ish and I was semi-awake which turned to fully awake with upset stomach so I got up. It's now a stomach ache with stomach cramps as I lay on the couch.

I would have been wise to go to sleep earlier but had coffee at 3pm (I know better but was tired; vicious cycle) plus felt anxious about seeing my cousin early this morning. I haven't seen her for 3 or 4 years. I was still in the fog then. This is my first family interaction since seeing clearly, not counting my also OOTF B,  and I underestimated the emotional heft of such an interaction. I knew she was coming to town and I reached out to her a couple months ago.

She's younger than me by almost a decade, the daughter of my M's younger brother. Her family seems normal. She also has a younger brother. She got a degree and a good stable job. She travels. She's living a good life and I am having a tough time not comparing mine to hers although I know it's pointless.

I don't know if I'll disclose anything. I hadn't planned on it. But nor had I planned anything to say if she asks about my M. Might need to stick to "fine". Or we might have a lot in common. I know I always liked her although we aren't close. She has a tattoo of a song lyric that I think is about depression. Might ask her about it. I also considered a song lyric tattoo at one point but didn't get it.

Am getting teary now so need to stop. Not much else to say anyway. Not sure what the tears are even for. Need more sleep. I used to take melatonin and  have a scrip for trazadone, but find I still don't tend to stay asleep on either. Docs don't want to prescribe anything stronger and I am not sure I would want anything stronger.

Am finding now that the things I want to journal about are coming faster than I can keep up with. Years of unspoken experiences are waiting. Glad I have this space.

[Danaus plexippus]

The zombie nightmare sounds like something out of a video game. I'd wright it off as the influence of the media. You made the correct decision to not get a tattoo. The next time your x tries to "love bomb" you he might wind up like one of the zombies. Tattoos would make you that much more easily identifiable. Have fun with your cuz!

[movementforthebetter]

I spent some time on dream moods and that nightmare seems to be highly symbolic of what I am going through right now. Normally I can tell when a dream reflects something in my life, or an emotional state, but this one was so different that I had no frame of reference for it. I looked up all the main aspects and they mostly stick to the same themes. Here's what they represent:

Video Game

To dream that you are playing a video game represents your ability to manipulate others into doing what you want them to do. Alternatively, playing a video game suggests that you are trying to escape from the problems in your real life, instead of confronting it. Consider the type of video game and video game character for additional insights.

Vacant

To see a vacant lot or property in your dream suggests that you need your own space, either emotional space or physical space. You need some distance and time to yourself in order concentrate on your own needs. Alternatively, a vacancy represents something that is missing or lacking in your life.

Movie Theater

To dream that you are in a movie theater indicates that you are attempting to protect yourself from your emotions and/or actions. Viewing them on a movie screen projects them onto another person and thus makes those feelings and actions seem more distant. Your subconscious is trying to protect you from experiencing them directly.

Church

To dream that you are inside a church suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

Village

To dream that you are in a village represents restrictions. You need to follow the rules. Alternatively, a village signifies community, simplicity, and tradition.

Monster

To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents.


Squid

To see a squid in your dream suggests that you are feeling subconsciously threatened.  Your judgment may also be clouded. Perhaps you are not seeing things too clearly at the moment. Alternatively, a squid symbolizes greed. You go after what you want without consideration for others.

Killing

To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.


Murder

To dream that you have committed a murder indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.

To dream that you witness a murder indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

To dream that you are murdered suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. The dream may also be about your unused talents.

Concrete

To see concrete in your dream represents your solid and clear understanding of some situation. The dream may also mean that you are too unyielding and inflexible.

To see wet concrete in your dream suggests that some issue or some aspect of your life still remains unresolved.

Warning

To receive a warning in your dream indicates that something in your waking life is in need of your attention. The dream may serve to make you stop and rethink the consequences of your action or decision.

To dream that you are warning someone suggests that you need to recognize the dangers or negatives of some situation. You need to bring this to the surface.

Blade

To see a blade in your dream suggests that you are making some difficult and important decisions. You need to be able to make clear distinctions between your choices. It also indicates that you are walking on a thin line and need to balance aspects of your life carefully.


Knife

To dream that you are carrying a knife signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of.  Perhaps you need to cut ties or sever some relationship. Be more divisive.


Zombie

To see or dream that you are a zombie suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

To see someone as a zombie implies that your feelings for them is dead. You have not emotional attachment towards them.

Woods

To see the woods in your dream represent life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, the woods symbolize the unknown and the subconscious. You need to open yourself up to discovering your potential and your instinctual nature.

To dream that you are lost in the woods indicates that you are starting a new phase in your life. You are expressing some anxiety about leaving behind what is familiar to you.

To dream that the woods are dry or dying suggests that there is a situation in your life that has not yet been resolved. You are overwhelmed with a problem or issue.

Numbers

To see numbers in your dream symbolize material gains and possessions. You are keeping close track of things. Alternatively, numbers indicate that you are being over analytical or rational. Or that you need to evaluate a situation more thoroughly. Numbers also carry much personal significance. They may represent a special date, address, age, lucky number or something meaningful and significant to only you.


6 - Six

Six is indicative of cooperation, balance, tranquility, perfection, warmth, union, marriage, family, and love. Your mental, emotional, and spiritual states are in harmony. It is also indicative of domestic bliss.



So if I've got this right, the dream was about the end of my relationship and feeling stuck in a situation I have little to no control over. I am carrying on, going through the motions of living witn my exbf but not valuing my emotional needs highly enough in this situation and I should be out so I can restore some peace. Our situation is still unresolved but in flux. I am depressed and we are coping by dissociating.
And while things seem peaceful on the surface they are not healthy. I am letting myself down by not acting with more courage and asking for help to make the changes I need. I might be looking for guidance from others but ultimately I need to instigate change.

Not exactly groundbreaking because I am aware of these things, but really interesting how most of the images kept to similar themes. I think my subconscious is just really trying to hammer home what my conscious mind has been trying to avoid out of fear of the unknown.

Edited to add an alt interpretation that bothers me more. My staying in our place after breaking up is manipulating my ex, or else him not making me leave is manipulative. Maybe we are manipulating each other. And we both get by on dissociation and "kindness" to avoid the truth.

[Three Roses]

I have a hard time accepting that symbols mean the same thing for everyone. For instance, some people are scared to death of dogs and so to dream of one would not be comforting for them; but for me a dog is a symbol meaning protection, not danger.

Ask yourself what each of the main components of your dream mean to you. The answer will reveal itself.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post for rape.

EMDR report 10.

I am now through most of my targets in therapy. I am noticing differences in myself. I don't have a panicky feeling very often anymore. I also find I can feel my feelings without being engulfed as much. I have cried in the last week but not once have I felt abandoned.

Today's first target was one I almost didn't remember. I had worded it vaguely. Something about boyfriend taking advantage of me at age 20. I determined that it was about boyfriends taking advantage of my support, specifically one that I taught my artform to, who then, instead of supporting me in reaching my dream, took it over by starting a business in that artform. The memory I associated with it was him telling me he was starting the business, with me staring at his bag full of equipment given to him by an uncle. The negative phrase was "my dreams are worthless" and the positive phrase was "I am capable of achieving my goals". Throughout the session I felt sadness and anger but came to realize that his actions had nothing to do with me, they were just cruel and selfish. I realized that I had been unprepared for such cruelty from a romantic partner and had no skills to cope at that time. Now in the present, I have experienced so much that I feel more confident I can recover from such betrayal. I also know that I must persue my goals even in spite of others' actions against me. I can't remember how, I rhink it was rhrough shame and connecting my inner critic to this incident, but I ended up connecting to my inner child of about 5 years old, when she first became aware that her wishes did not matter and there were no adults to support her. My mother was the voice of my inner critic I think. I still have trouble totally identifying it. It was interesting to see in parallel this incident as well as my inner child reacting to different but connected betrayals.

I feel like I am shaking off years of rust on my psyche and am now getting to address the wounds that are at my core. There is a shift of empowerment happening.

We didn't fully reprocess my second target today. It was my rape by a boyfriend at age 26. I will be ok as we left off in a good place. Did the reprocessing/integration, just not the body scan. I will try to describe the experience without too many details. My associated negative phrase was "I am worthless" and my associated positive phrase was "I deserve to be with somone who demonstrates complete respect for me".

This was the first time I felt truly afraid for my safety in a target. I found myself reliving the experience and realizing that I had mostly blocked out or glossed over it previously. I believe he enjoyed hurting me. I felt truly powerless, and felt guilt, shame and anger along with the fear. I felt shame that I didn't protest or struggle, I just cried. And he didn't stop. I remembered that I was physically restrained and couldn't get away unless he let me go. My T asked if I knew about the freeze response and I do think I must have frozen and dissociated at that time. I can see how wrong this was and how much this is on him. Although I couldn't get away then I can choose partners more carefully now and establish clearer boundaries at the start of any future relationships.

Left off with a "healing light" exercise to identify and send healing energy to wherever it was needed. That turned out to be from my lungs to my guts, where it felt like (and often does) there was a rock inside me. My breathing was shallow and my digestion quite upset. The rock was about the size of a watermelon and hollow, and an indistinct colour but I said dark grey as that was closest. It was hot. As I focused the healing light on it, it started to dissolve. Tingling sensations radiated out from that space up to my teeth and down to my knees.

The rock is a feeling I often have when I wake up in the middle of the night if I have eaten too close to bed or if I am very upset. I have it on the way to work frequently, and sometimes if I am angry.

The rock being hollow means there is an interrupted space in me I have been trying to fill, particularly when I was stressed and felt unsafe. I made the rock solid and filled the space through binge eating. For me it was not just the enjoyment of food but also a physical bulking up for safety that has been leading me to binge eat. And this became an emotional addiction.

I left the appointment feeling tired and a bit trembling. This session took a lot out of me but I am also more capable of facing these difficult memories and finding my way through them without feeling like I am losing control of myself.

[movementforthebetter]

Two other things as follow up from my session. After leaving I was walking down the street and a couple was fighting loudly. Or rather the man was yelling at the woman. I had to work hard to calm myself. Too soon! In the past I would have said something. I like to think I would in the future, too. But right now I can't. It's just too close to home for me.

Secondly, I am missing the man I had my affair with. I will call him my lover because otherwise this will get confusing. I felt safe in his arms. I think contacting him would be unhealthy right now. I am sure it's because of the feelings that came up in session today. If I have the order of targets right then next week I will probably feel the same.

After a specific incident only a couple years into our relationship, I lost the feeling of safety with my now exbf. And yet ten years went by from the last time I saw my lover to this year and that feeling of safety was the same, if not deepened, since we have both matured. This tells me that there is hope for a connection that deepens when both partners are equally invested, whomever I might or might not be with.

Ultimately, it is my own arms and my own skin I need to feel safe in. So I think spending the evening quietly contemplating and resting is the best plan to ensure that I really can meet my own emotional needs and feel confident doing it.

[Three Roses]

Ultimately, it is my own arms and my own skin I need to feel safe in. So I think spending the evening quietly contemplating and resting is the best plan to ensure that I really can meet my own emotional needs and feel confident doing it.

 

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Three Roses, thanks for your feedback on those posts!

Re: dream moods, some of the definitions were very long and I cut out the alternate interpretatins that didn't relate. Overall there was a kind of theme that I found interesting, but I agree that it can't possibly fit in to those definitions that easily. My T mentioned that according to Jungian interpretation every part of that dream was a reflection of myself. Like even the squid tentacles! Based on just how it made me feel, the dream was about trying to "do the right thing" within an overwhelming sense of powerlessness, feeling trapped in a situation I can't control. A common theme for me.

Today's session really drained me in a way I don't recall other sessions doing. I couldn't go home right away. I had to go get something to eat and sit for a bit. Then I went right to bed when I got home. Woke up around 7 and am just starting to feel useful now that it's 10. Gonna be a late night for me. I haven't done anything besides check the web occasionally and watch tv and might not do anything else. It feels like the right speed for tonight.

[movementforthebetter]

Tonight I had the revelation that I have spent so much energy & so much time trying to get "everything right" in my life that I have been unable to enjoy the present most of the time. In some ways that's not really a revelation, but how I can deal with it is.

Perfectionism and my inner critic have spent years telling me "I'll be happy when..." and when never comes because the goalpost keeps being moved (by the inner critic again)!

I am going to try something new. Whenever perfectionism is telling me I need to do, be, or have more before I can be happy I will remind myself "Yes, you're right, ICr, I will be happier if that works out. But right now is pretty good, too! I can be content both now and in the future. One doesn't preclude the other! Now, shall we party?"  💃🎶😁

[Three Roses]