Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

Started by movementforthebetter, July 12, 2016, 05:34:52 PM

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movementforthebetter

I have a couple preocupations I haven't told many people about because I felt shame at having the thoughts. One of which is how I find severe weather events stimulatung for lack of a better word. The other is that I am always scanning my surroundings and thinking "if I were homeless, this would be a good place to set up a camp".

On the surface they don't seem linked, but I had a realization while reading The Body Keeps The Score. Both are connected to experiences of pure survival.

I have noticed that generally people really come together in disasters, and in the whole it seems that society depends on disasters to reaffirm its core values. I believe that in some way the same is true of myself. Severe weather causes an adrenaline surge and narrows my focus to what is immediately important.

With regards to looking at the world through a homeless lense, that is me fantasizing or obsessing about living a life free of concerns other than surviving.

Both are expressions of living in the present moment and staying there, something I have extreme difficulty doing. But both are also probably coping mechanisms, along with food and sex. Otherwise my inner commentators take over and I dwell in the past or obsess over the future, both of which are excrutiating for me.

In my past abuse there was nowhere to be but the present and it was terrifying. So why do I fantasize about a life of pure experience? I think it might be that I was never given prolonged exposure to the benefits of anything more. And if there are chemicals like serotonin involved as the book says, it might be something of an addiction. Will add more if this unfolds further in my head with some time.

movementforthebetter

TRIGGERS in this post for cults, violence against women, rape.

Wow, so triggered now!

I've just put together a painful pattern that threads through my relationship with my exbf. It started early on in our relationship. I have been torn over the years if he was malicious or just clueless, and usually erred on the side of clueless, even though he did own a pick up book about how to manipulate women. Literally that. He said it was to improve his self esteem. Just ugh. Still I gave him credit for cluelessness because to do otherwise would mean he was an abuser.

Anyway, the thing that triggered me was being in the kitchen and overhearing the show he had on. It was an investigative report into some cult. One of the members was talking about how the leader would rape people and the victim would be lying there crying or not responding at all and just laying there but the cult leader would just keep having sex with the person. Like he was having sex with a piece of meat, not a person with feelings. That hit too close to home givem what I just rememberwd 2 days ago. I went in the living room and turned down the volume but was already shaken. Exbf was doing something on his computer with his headphones in and didn't even hear any of this! I had to tell him what happened and why I was so bothered. How my emotions had been up and down all over the place since therapy on Tues when I dealt with my own rape which was VERY similar in description to what I heard on tv.  His response: "that's normal".

Me: "what!? What's normal?"

Him: "that your emotions would be up and down from therapy"

No appology for having something so upsetting on when he know's the cole's notes of what I am going through in therapy, and he isn't even watching it, just using it for background noise. (He's only appologized a handful of times in 9 years for anything despite the fact that I am the one who is usually right so why start now?) No acknowledgment of how upsetting it might be to casually come upon a description of a type of violence I personally suffered. No asking if I was ok. Just a "reassurance" my mood swings are normal despitebhaving never been in my situation himself. Nothing even close. And rather than own his experience he shut mine down and walked away.

I was so blown away by how assinine a comment it was that I couldn't even respond. I didn't know where to begin with it. Is that a type of freeze response? It's the same response I have had in the past to my M and some of her most shockingly poor behaviour.

I have pointed out things that hurt in the past and he has said I am causing drama. Or too critical. And that he is afraid of my anger. So over the years none of my emotions were acceptable besides blankness, happiness, and adoration. No wonder I was unhappy. And he got to see that because I could only suppress my feelings so long before the pressure was too great. But then it was always my fault when I lost it because I wasn't expressing myself clearly enough to him. Except I did. Again and again with no acknowledgement until I reached critical mass, again.

I feel very minimized and invalidated, and have repeatedly throughout our relationship. Any timenI express my needs I am shut down, or things improved for a bit but it wasn't a consistent long-term change. And yet what he's done, it's never been overt enough or malicious enough that I could be sure if it was abuse. If I could be sure then I would have had reason to leave immediately... This grey area kept me trapped for 9 years. But no more.

One of the first things he did with me was show me a tv show he loves: Deadwood (HBO). The first episode has a man pin a prostitute to the floor with her throat under his boot. It was shocking and upsetting. It was supposed to be. I said the violence was really disturbing but liked the writing.(The show actually has possibly the best writing ever on TV but because of the violence I can't reccommend it to this crowd.) I watched the rest of the series with him and had to cover my eyes in certain violent parts. He explained it was just realistic to the time period. What I didn't realize was that it was setting the tone for our relationship, where he would show no sensitivity to me and I was supposed to deal with it and appreciate his point of view over my own. I should have gotten up and left in that scene, or refused to see any more. But I didn't. Why didn't I? Because I liked him and was a "good sport". I can't stomach that kind of entertainment much anymore, though. I've become aware how much it capitalizes on the suffering of others.

This kind of thing has happened over and over again in our relationship. Sometimes I even defended him when he was equally insensitive to others. Eventually it broke me down in shame and pain. I will journal a few of the other experiences in the appropirate upcoming emdr reports.

So I was triggered by the rape description and triggered by exbf's non-response. I also was triggered right back to my M and having to place her feelings over my own growing up.

I had to sit and play videogames zoned out for an hour but the whole time my chest was tight and achy, my temples through my jaw were tight and clenched, and I felt stressed. I didn't know whether to cry or punch something. I did neither. I was anxious and a bit panicky. I am going to take a clonazepam and trazadone tonight to knock myself out since I'm still feeling my jaw like a vicegrip.

I'm actually glad this happened though. We had been settling into a weird civil equilibrium where I was having trouble remembering why I needed to leave. But wow, am I ever clear now. It's so hard to explain to others when it all looks fine on the outside but my heart has been broken a hundred times over. If I stay, not only do I have to heal myself from my traumas but I also have to mother him through how to be a man. I can't do it! I can't be a parent to a third person without that person being an actual child! No more emotionally crippled adults!

Will be asking friends if I can couch surf next week. Have a long weekend camping starting tomorrow. It's a do-over of the last weekend that was interrupted by tragic death. A last fun time with exbf and friends. It will be good. Time in the woods will help me, and soon all this will be in the past.



movementforthebetter

This isn't exactly time in the woods, but it's still good. Far enough from "civilization" with all the comforts of home. Was dreaming of a desperate need to pee, so I am up now for a bit before everyone else. Found some time to read here since I forgot my book.

Was reading Wife2's journal and it brought up some memories from my childhood. She talked about being neglected, with greasy hair. That was me, too. I was teased a lot for it and every other reason under the sun.

I know now that I'm older that literally the way to help myself is to shower more. It seems so simple and yet neither parent cared enough to ensure that happened. I would get awful, itchy, scaly spots on my scalp. It was diagnosed as seborhea (sp?) which meant my skin was being shed too fast but not just falling away like normal. It was gettting stuck and causing a rash that looked like psoriasis on my scalp. It was so itchy but if I scratched it would bleed. My F's brilliant solution was to put compound w on my scalp to try and kill it off whenever we were with him. Now I have the awareness that :duh: that is wart remover! Why would he think that could work? And we only saw him every other weekend so even if it could work he wasn't around long enough for it to matter.

Interesting he chose wart remover. I think this must be because he had some? Could I have had any on my head? Could there be a link to my hpv diagnosis 25 years later... Could I have had it from birth? Or gotten it somehow from parents? Will never know.

Was teased/questioned because when the compound w dried it left really obvious white patches in my brown hair. I always said it was paint. Everyone must have wondered why I painted all the time and didn't wash it out. So that and I always had major dandruff from it or the skin condition. Nice. Why the heck didn't my parents care enough to bathe me or show me how to care for myself?  :Idunno: They couldn't even care for themselves.

movementforthebetter

#93
I spent a weekend at the foot of a mountain but still need time outside and alone so here I am home from the trip and sitting beside the river. It's a little drizzly so it's quiet here this evening. Exbf was on me like glue on this trip and I did have a good time but it would have been better on my own. I only got 5 min all weekend to talk to my friends alone.

I feel an anxiousness that's hard to place. It's rooted in a jumble of old and new fears. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of saying goodbye to familiar but unhealthy patterns. Fear of starting my next phase of life, and shame at how messy my life is. My inner critic is not really audible in my thoughts today, but I am lost in thoughts and memories and trying to keep bringing myself back to the present and what I can do in this moment.

I will send my letter asking for help tonight or tomorrow. That is certainly factoring into my state tonight. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement or ostracision based on past experiences. Uncertainty over who I can trust. My tiny bit of a plan has so far not worked at all.

I spent the weekend with my friends and their new dog, adopted from a chinese street dog rescue group. The dog is so sweet, so kind and cuddly, so gentle and non-agressive. Friendly once she gets to know you. But so anxious and afraid of this strange land and strange life. She trusts no one, walks with her tail between her legs and quivers with nerves. Yesterday morning she got out of the tent and ran around the campsites looking for scraps until I caught her and brought her back. She looked so happy and free running on her own and fought against me until I pulled her hard. Last night she chewed through her collar and leashes. Her family doesn't want to use a chain leash but might have to. To say I identify with her would be an understatement. So uncomfortable with security and affection but longingbfor it more than anything. How did I let myself become this street puppy of a woman? And can I be fully integrated into a life I have not had exposure to? If I build my life all my own, will I chew through my own collars and leashes for the familiarity of insecurity? And is it what I am in the middle of doing currently? This might be my inner child calling out. *edited to add* She is actually jealous of this dog; who has been rescued by a loving family, is recognized in her special needs and character, and treated accordingly by everyone new she meets. My inner child doesn't see the pain rhe dog lived through before, and is stuck in her own fears and pains.

These are the secret questions I trust no one with. Possibly not even myself. But I am trying, and having more days of confidence now so I on days like today all I can do is let the day pass and know tomorrow will likely feel better.

Danaus plexippus

your dream interpretations were insightful and inspiring. I hope your dreams continue to help you progress.

movementforthebetter

I sent my letter asking for help to 30 people. Some of them I have barely talked to since high school. It was terrifying. But I dibfeel a bit lighter now. I can't control the outcome but maybe it'll all be ok.

movementforthebetter

EMDR report 11. TRIGGERS for violence against women.

Today was an emotionally intense day. On top of sending my letter asking friends and acquaintances for help to return to the homeland, I had therapy today. My EMDR target today was a road rage incident that happened within my first or second year living in my current city.

The incident itself was less than three minutes long but it terrified me. My then bf and I were catching a van cab on a busy downtown street when a truck sped by us too closely and nearly clipped us. I swore at the driver as he went by. He had his window open and heard me. He screeched to a stop a few car lengths ahead, then backed up and got out of his truck. We got into the back seat of the cab quickly and the guy climbed into the front seat then leaned into the back and started screaming at me, calling me the c word, the b word, swearing and threatening to hit me, punch me. Asking who I thought I was to yell at him. He was inches from my face and I could see his bulging veins and bloodshot eyes and hear the words but I was frozen and couldn't react. I was trapped in the van anyway. My bf didn't do or say anything. The cabbie kept his distance and eventually talked some sense into the guy, saying "calm down, buddy". He backed out and left after a very long minute. We rode home and the cabbie said it was good we didn't do anything because if we had the guy would have hit me. I was shaking from adrenaline and was not ok. The cabbie and my bf both downplayed it. I talked about it at work the next day and my boss told me to get over it and not be a victim.

The image I used was of the man's face screaming at me and the negative phrase was "nobody will protect me". The positive phrase I chose was "I can protect myself".

I found I was in a weird headspace this session. My body resisted me a lot. There was a lot of aching and twitching on my right side. (That's the side he got in on but I don't know if that's connected.) I was very afraid and had to fight to stay present. I felt small and powerless. I connected to my younger self.  We had to stop and do a grounding excercise... The five senses. After that I kept feeling like I could almost fall asleep. I think maybe this is what hypnosis feels like? I was never susceptible to hypnosis but as my T waved her fingers back and forth I just wanted to curl up in the chair and close my eyes. My responses were all a little distant but I got through it. Eventually I realized I had protected myself even though it didn't seem like it at the time. I protected myself with the only tools I had in the face of others that wouldn't. I also see now how similar this incident was to the incident of the prof yelling at me. We didn't do a relaxation this time... I was sleepy enough. I'm a bit worried I might have been dissociated.

I realized through this session that I had internalized that it was dangerous to speak my feelings and that they weren't as important as others. I also clearly saw that I haven't felt emotionally or physically safe with my boyfriend since the first or second year of our relationship. I am sad that I didn't see this sooner.

I think I am starting to grieve my current life now. There is no turning back and I am really and truly on a new path. I have no therapy for a couple weeks, so my goal is to focus on self care. Sleep, excercise, and readying myself for a job interview. I will also have a week alone in the apartment which I am grateful for.


movementforthebetter

What kind of job do I want? It's the million dollar question. It's the question that sent me back to school, then travelling to try and recover from my first job after graduating, then to therapy.

I can answer with more clarity about the things I want in life and what my values are. As for jobs? I have ended up hating them all, or I have become depressed in the course of the routine. Each time I look for a job it's a new mid-life crisis, and the day-to-day of doing the job becomes an existential dilemma.

I'm not kidding that I think I should be a homemaker, and that I could only just barely handle that. When I feel good I can get tons done. When I feel just ok, I can function. But on bad days, and there are so many of them, I am argumentative, disorganized, unable to focus and forgetful. I have gotten better over the years with a lot of painful experience and huge amounts of effort. I get through many days by sheer force of will alone.

I have the occaisional personality conflict. (usually bossy bully types or people who are not "doing the work" or presenting evidence)

I have trouble with verbal instructions and must take notes. That's not so bad, but it slows me down, especially when disorganized.

My inner critic berates me constantly or makes me doubt my abilities. I am very careful, but also very slow. I live with impostor syndrome every day.

I struggle with lateness when my enthusiasm wanes and anxiety grows.

I procrastinate and am afraid to ask for help or else ask too much.

I talk too much in the wrong circumstances. I am distracted by noises, smells, and temperature issues.

So despite learning quickly, being pretty adaptable, being enthusiastic, thoughtful, kind and loyal, and being practically tireless when on a roll, I am not a good employee. How do I overcome all of these things that, while not character traits, are pretty intrinsic due to cptsd.

I have turned down work over fear my issues above would lead to poor results and ruin my reputation in fields I care about. I also quit jobs when the downhill slide becomes irreversible, or sooner if I see it coming on. And I specifically haven't persued work in my favourite discipline because I don't feel strong enough to handle the risk of shame due to failure. Inner crittic again! So I look like a job-hopper who quits in the face of adversity. If they only knew.

So when friends ask "what type of work do you want" all I can think is "not an office" and yet that's where most of my past experiences were. And I'm just trying to start over so not really expecting much. But maybe I need to. I hope I can answer the question soon. It's plagued me my whole adult life, and won't stop until I come to terms with myself.

movementforthebetter

Today felt like an exercise in frustration. My inner critic has been on a tear again, extra harsh since yesterday's success in reaching out. I think this is one of those cases of it being in reaction to a big step in recovery. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I have only gotten done a few of the things I wanted to. They feel inconsequential at the moment. Even the modest daily goals I set myself have fallen short today.

I did go for a walk. I texted a friend just because.

I did call my brother and have a way to get myself back to the homeland, though, so that is a huge relief. So maybe this is only half a step back.

I am trying to reframe this inner critic thing. In response to all the support I received, it's amped up, telling me it's not worthy of the support because I don't have perfect answers or a perfect plan. I'm trying to imagine my inner child hiding behind it, peeking out from around its legs. Both are afraid of all this change. And I am too. Have been feeling weird yesterday and today... Like things felt either distant or surreal. I get that feeling when I am getting sick. A lot has happened within the last few weeks. It's normal to be fatigued and afraid, and I want to try and embrace everyone in me and tell them it will be ok. If I am lucky, I'll convince the greater me as well. Because really, things are ok. It's just a lot to take in. And I feel to unsure of myself to answer basic questions at the moment. I can try again tomorrow.

Going to read and go to bed early. Really, I have worried enough for one day and can have a go at productivity in the morning.


movementforthebetter

#100
This is the hundredth post in my journal already. I know they're not all mine but most are and it's all part of my journey. This one is very long.

Today was a bit better day. Still fighting with motivation but I was able to work on my resume and got some job research materials for my upcoming interview. I even did the dishes. (well, loaded the dishwasher, but at my worst in January I took a whole day to psyche myself up to it, and then sobbed the whole way through it, so there's no question I have made progress!)

Talked with my friend I am supposed to move in with. That's likely delayed until August now. That's not great for me but I'm not totally out of luck. I can figure something out. I want to be out of here soon.

TRIGGERS FROM HERE ON OUT FOR ALCOHOLISM, VIOLENCE, AND ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR



My friend is strongly urging me to break off all contact with the lover. I am ashamed to say I have not done that yet. We have maintained friendship, talking on the phone and texting. He was my most reliable support for several months. I had ended the sexual aspect, but it's returned with a vengence since I broke it off with the exbf. He is very different than exbf... Honestly more like my father. I am really disturbed by this but it does make sick sense.

I actually have given him a more appropriate nickname but it would be censored here. He is 99% using me and I know it. And yet, when I felt like I was coming completely undone at the end of May and through to July as I came roughly out of the fog and into awareness, he was the only friend I could reach for weeks. He did help me through a difficult patch, and theoretically I helped him through one, too. And I am getting things from this too... Sometimes it feels healthy and sometimes it feels very unhealthy. My friend knows me very well and is concerned for me and thinks I am not healthy enough to be having this kind of relationship with him. She is right and I know it. He's like an addiction, I think.

Here is a very shamefully embarrassing list of red flags on him that I have so far been aware of, but have been proceding with caution anyway, because I have been a rebound/boy crazy fool.


  • He broke it off with me originally, unexpectedly. Clumsily I agreed we wanted different things. Then he tries to get laid a few times (with success) til I stop contacting him. Then he looks me up after ten years. I literally had not thought of him in years.
  • He's talkative but cuts me off a lot. (But I also have a problem with cutting people off, from fighting to get a word in edgewise in convos.)
  • He is always doing stuff while on the phone with me so I don't always have his full attention.
  • He has referred to having a son as "procreating".
  • He had the son because he thinks birth control is a woman's responsibility (all women should be on the pill).
  • Despite this he didn't want to use a condom with me.
  • He doesn't want to get involved with anyone because he's afraid he'll be financially taken advantage the same way he says his ex did, as if all women are golddiggers. His plan is to spend at least a year dealing with custody stuff, then find a woman with a kid of her own and settle down.
  • His ex left him after he had an angry outburst... He claims he has rarely ever done that.
  • But then... He texted me that he got angry about his place being so empty that he threw his vaccuum and broke it. It was in the middle of a text conversation we were having - freaked me out.
  • He has told me he is a functioning alcoholic. And...
  • He texted me this weekend from a strip club where he got in an angry confrontation after spilling a drink on a woman. These were acquaintances of his but not his "preferred crowd". I imagine he'll never see them again.
  • He has no real close friends. He seems to have alienated everyone but not me (YET, as my friend says).
  • He has said he's sexually narcissistic. He's sent me d!ck pics on more than one occaision. Sex is his hobby.
  • I have reason to think he may be bi curious but he has acted homophobic in reaction to a comment I made
  • He wants me when he wants me, usually at inconvenient times. He's harder to reach if I want to talk about my therapy or more serious things or sometimes even if I am the one in the mood for sexting.


It's funny, he sounds like total trash when I write it out like this. Not to defend him but I guess I feel bad talking about him online like this. Obviously this isn't the entirety of his personality but all of this stuff is true. He's interesting to talk to, also does medical stuff for his family, pays child support, and takes an active interest in his son's life. He's educated with a good job and "has it together".  Kinda. None of this cancels out the other stuff though.


And honestly all this stuff makes clear that I fit the profile of an abused girlfriend if this is the company I am keeping. And what does it say about me that I am still carrying on with him? I think I may be more of a problem than him. He has no desire to change, but I should know better by now. What's amazing to me is that he crawled out of the woodwork and I barely registered his presence at first, but before I knew it he was all I wanted, and completely tossing aside my plan to be alone for a long while. This also happened with the other ex I cheated with. He was a clearly dangerous narc and manipulated and took advantage of me. This one seems less malicious but still self-centered. Both somehow appeared right at very vulnerable times in my life and I welcomed them in because I wanted their attention. I am ashamed of myself and my low self-esteem.

This post might sound self-punnishing, but it's not. It's a sober look at what chaos I am courting. Because this is really what madness looks like... Doing the same [guys] over again and expecting different results. It's clear to me based on this pattern (more than once is enough for me to call it that) that I am still very unhealthy and need to do a LOT more work. And that the wounds are core wounds, so will need some specific attention to heal.

Danaus plexippus

Perhaps it amounts to nothing more than the sowing of wild oats in the salad days of your youth. If you were my daughter I would tell you to "Get a job!" I know that's not so easy for anyone anymore, but try your best to become financially independent. If the men in your life can take you or leave you, dish that attitude right back at them. Develop other interests in your life. Go to career guidance section of your local public library. Until you get the job you want, don't discount waitressing especially if you're young and a people pleaser. I wasn't the best waitress, but I learned a lot about life working in the service industry. I recommend it to anyone with a good memory, a sharp wit and a reasonable tolerance of the public. Couch surfing is no way to go through life. The job I have now is not what I planned, hoped or dreamed of, but I have my own apartment and my bills are paid reasonably on time. Let these men fade into the background hum of your life and focus your attention on establishing your own independent financial security.

movementforthebetter

Quote from: Danaus plexippus on September 09, 2016, 01:38:32 PM
Perhaps it amounts to nothing more than the sowing of wild oats in the salad days of your youth. If you were my daughter I would tell you to "Get a job!" I know that's not so easy for anyone anymore, but try your best to become financially independent. If the men in your life can take you or leave you, dish that attitude right back at them. Develop other interests in your life. Go to career guidance section of your local public library. Until you get the job you want, don't discount waitressing especially if you're young and a people pleaser. I wasn't the best waitress, but I learned a lot about life working in the service industry. I recommend it to anyone with a good memory, a sharp wit and a reasonable tolerance of the public. Couch surfing is no way to go through life. The job I have now is not what I planned, hoped or dreamed of, but I have my own apartment and my bills are paid reasonably on time. Let these men fade into the background hum of your life and focus your attention on establishing your own independent financial security.

Hi Danaus!  :wave:

I agree for the most part and financial security is definitely my long term goal.   I actually went back to school four years ago, earned a college diploma with honours, and was able to get a job in my field. This was before I was out of the fog and I did it by sheer force of will, while being badly triggered by a bipolar prof in my last term. It sent me into a total tailspin. My anxiety and panic were off the charts and I had to go back on meds and get counselling to make it to the end of my program. My job then ended up being even more triggering and I struggled badly in it but had no benefits so had no therapy to cope.

It sucks, I am afraid of workplaces/"professional" settings now. I know there must be good ones but it seems the crazy finds me even when I work carefully to avoid it. And that's why I am in therapy, because I realized I need to find a way to cope better because pd/mentally ill/narc/selfish/unaware jerks are everywhere. If I can't get to that point I won't ever get ahead. And I'm the one that breaks down when faced with all this interpersonal chaos for too long.

Waitressing might work. I've never tried it. My verbal recall is not good but I take notes. I'm also looking into a mental healthcare job that pays better than anything I've had. That one requires a little more training so is a second or third stop down the job line, if I get healthy enough that I can seperate myself from other's emotions, lol. If I do that so many of my problems would be solved but I worry I am falling into magical thinking and ignoring my actual nature as a person.

I also have got hobbies and interests, but the severity of my cptsd has prevented me from enjoying anything much for the last couple years. I'm hoping to reclaim my passions when on my own. I was always too willing to put my interests aside for others in the past but I'm at a point where I want to be selfish now.

Things are generally looking up for me though with a few options of places to go. It looks like I just need to decide which location is best for starting over (if I get the job here). I do need to live in my own decompression zone for a while, for sure!

movementforthebetter

I am still up past 2:30am. Don't know how that happened but I've had a good night. Had dinner with a couple friends. Played with their adorable baby girl. Came home and exbf is gone drinking at a friend's. Took the car so can't drive home tonight. I spent the night quietly. Played video games, read, did 3 loads of laundry left over from camping. Now I am laying in bed, the whole thing to myself. Right now I am content.

Been thinking about my M lately. Time to call her, I suppose. Think I will meditate before and do yoga right after.

When I said I spent the night quietly, I meant it.  No sounds. I stopped listening to music at home much about 6 years ago. Will write about that some other time. Sleep is calling. Goodnight, OOTS.

movementforthebetter

A lightbulb moment. Most of my fear of being alone, if not all of it, is tied up in past memories of being alone, rather than the present reality or even future possibilities. And my anxiety over my ability to handle the future is also tied up in the past in the same way. Might be obvious to most people, but for me this diffuses my situation considerably.