Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post regarding death, suicide, addictions, family violence, innapropriate sexual relationships.



It's my father's birthday today. I've been thinking about the impending date off and on since early August. I haven't been sure how much I'd want to write about it or what I'd want to say. The anniversary of his death passed mid-August. I choose to commemorate his life on his birthday rather than his death day. It makes for a shaky back half of summer to have these sad dates but I usually keep busy on the specific dates. Celebrate life by living it. And for me, better to celebrate life than death. On top of it all, there's that whole other tragedy which happened on this date, which makes it impossible to forget the pain of losing someone.

His death is one of my traumas, as yet unprocessed. I had hoped I would be past it by now but it hasn't happened yet. Therapy has gone slower than I wanted and I have had to face several difficulties without the benefit of processing beforehand. This is another one.

I bought three boquets of sunflowers today. He used to grow them in the back yard. I can't say that they were his favourites for sure but that patch of the yard was always his alone, and they grew wildly there, dropped their seeds, fed birds and sprouted a new patch the next year.

I have conflicted feelings about him. I love him more than my mother. He was more relatable, and appologized to me for his behaviour when I was younger. That helped, although I can't say I ever truly forgave him. We were never close. I was always too guarded, couldn't trust anyone in my FOO. I trust less than a handful of people outside it, too. The conflict comes from the fact that I basically remember him as the "sane" parent and the "good" parent but he was only those things in relation to the chaos of living with my M.

He was 13 years older than my M. She was only 18 when she had me. So his relationship with her was possibly statutory rape depending on when they started sleeping together. At the very least, it's extremely creepy and predatory. At this point he already had split from his first wife, too!

He was an alcoholic and drug addict while I was growing up. I think *most* of the hard drugs were before I was born but don't know. I know he smoked pot and hash all through his adult life. The drinking ended during my later childhood. I don't think it would have ended if a couple things hadn't happened. 1. (did I write this already?) His friend and coworker, another alcoholic, shot himself and my dad was the one who found him. 2. He beat up my M quite seriously one time. It was apparently the 3rd time but I don't remember the other 2. As an alcoholic I remember little except that one time he lost cotrol of the car in winter and ditched it literally and figuratively. He'd been drinking and left the scene so he wouldn't be arrested. Had to go get it towed out the next day. I remember finding his porn and how I was shamed for it but as I grew older my curiosity grew into an obsession to find it again and see what it was I wasn't allowed to know. I don't remember much else of his drinking days, and so little of my childhood. I remember a little of the day they got married when I was 7. I remember fights but not who instigated. I remember him leaving us and taking all our furniture but not the fight just a couple days before with the cops coming to escort him away. I remember him once saying he'd never pay a cent to my M when they split. These "cent"s were child support. He was a stereotypical deadbeat dad for large chunks of childhood.

And yet there are the good memories which somehow eclipsed the bad ones. Nature walks and long drives across the homeland. Him teaching me to shoot, first a gun, then a camera. Playing with lit incense sticks like wizard wands, tag in the snow, or running mazes he mowed in tall grass at the farmhouse he rented. Climbing through warehouse bags of packing peanuts at the supply company where he worked with the man who later shot himself. Forts made out of individually wrapped toilet paper rolls. Shooting green army men out of towers of tile and grout samples with rubber bands when he sold tiles. And the shed he tiled with samples that was like a magic hut on the inside. His love of music and massive record collection. Later, dinner parties and good conversation even though I could never really open up and be vulnerable with him.

He tried, in his way. I loved him, in mine. I now understand a couple things about him. He was perceived differently depending on which stage of life people had met him in, pre or post sobriety. And he spent his life running from his own abusive past. His came from his father. He never stopped running and then he died suddenly.

From my parents and my life I think I might know how to break the cycle of abuse even though they didn't directly teach me. I am going to do the one thing neither of them could do. I am going to return home and face my past for good. I wish I could have reached this point while he was alive. I know he loved me and wanted me to be happy.
In one of our last phone calls he asked if I was happy. I hesitated, then said unconvincingly yes. I ran out of time to make peace with him, but not myself.

Happy birthday, Dad.

[Three Roses]

 

Cyber hugs to you on this difficult day.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks Three Roses!

Today was a much better day. I actually texted with my B for a while, texted my M (no response yet), and decided that I just want to get back to the homeland as soon as possible. So I messaged one friend that offered a basement suite for rent month to month and said I'd like it. He said it's mine if I want it.

Looks like I will be back in the homeland in mid October. I feel at peace with this decision.

I'll still go to that job interview I guess. It's good practice. But I don't wantnto be here anymore. I will find a job in the homeland. Things will work out. There will be challenges, but no more than here.

[Danaus plexippus]

Good for you! So glad to hear your progress.

[movementforthebetter]

Life is never simple. I'm in bed hoping I'll be able to sleep off a bout of anxiety but really I'm hiding from the world.

I told my friend in the homeland I'd take his place. It's a good deal. It would give me flexibility. I felt so good about it. But it starts next month... It's so soon.

Then I had the job interview and it went pretty well. They want me back in for a second interview next week. It's in the field I went to school for and I felt like I got along well with my interviewers. There is potential to transfer back to the homeland sometime within a few years... I told them my goal to be there. But it would be a major challenge and it's here now, not there. I feel stressed just thinking about it, especially with everything that happened in my internship. Could I really manage it and still heal myself? It seems like an impossible ask for my energy levels, but if alone, I do have only me to care for. Financially, unless it pays amazingly well, my income would be swallowed by cost of living here, therapy, and return visits to the homeland, so the only real incentive to take it is for eventual returns and gains that aren't guaranteed. But ego is telling me I have to go for it, would be a fool not to, that opportunities like thos don't come along every day. Then my ICr chimes in that my skills aren't sharp enough, I'm not fast enough, etc. And that's how I torture myself.

I've tried grounding 3 times today. No luck, but it did help me last night.

It occured to me today that my M is only a few years younger now than my F was when he died. Her M also died fairly young. So that is a real weight on my conscience. My heart is in the homeland, and for now, that's where I see my future, too. I will actually have a call with her tonigh, the first in months. Can't talk to her about any of this, though.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. But at this point I am not sure what course of action is best for me and I am afraid of I let it go on much longer, as long as interviewing could take, without a final decision, then I get myself into a financial bind as I would have to pay the friend I said I would rent from if I cancel.

I did just shed some tears over this. My feelings aren't completely gone afterall. Maybe another hour or so of hiding will help me calm down.

[Three Roses]

 

Change is never easy, they say, and for us I believe that's doubly true. Change is painful, torturous! But, we always do make it thru; we leap the chasm with pretended bravery and find things are "good enough" on the other side, too.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks Three Roses, I really appreciate it. 

I did talk to my M for a bit. She seemed almost normal tonight. My B had said she's stabilized, and she even used that word herself.

She even asked me about something from months ago (that I didn't remember talking to her about). Asking me about something specific is out of character for her. She still steamrollered me in talking. I got my tendency to interrupt, tune out or get impatient from listening to her monologues. She spent 15 minutes talking about a tv show she watched.

But she does sound better than she has in a long time. More positive. It kills me because I had to keep stopping myself from telling her about my situation. I thought I'd gotten beyond wanting anything from her but tonight she seemed like she could be my mother and my inner child still wants that so badly. I just know if I make myself vulnerable to her again that the other shoe will drop at some point, like it always has. But this makes me feel again like the crazy one. I told her about the job I interviewed for and the upcoming second interview and she was all positivity and offers to help. She doesn't know about me likely returning yet, I am waiting until it is a hundred percent set. And I know she and SF would give me money or other help, but I don't want it. I could really use that help, too, but I don't want to be tied to people that can't acknowledge the reality that they abused me badly enough that I have had thousands of dollars of therapy and I'm not done yet. It is a dagger in my heart that twists on its own. I know she'll never change, and getting close to her means subsuming myself just to get along and avoid her outbursts. That's why I moved away, amongst other reasons. Any attempt I made to let her know me as I am was either branded as selfish or met with mockery.

I've just cried a bucket of tears. Guess I am still grieving my mother even though I thought I had already. I feel so crazy for wanting to go back and yet I am running out of time to have any relationship with her, even if not ideal. And I don't want to just lock her out and then show up at her deathbead.

This is all so complicated and if I just gave up, broke down, and admitted I can't do this on my own to her it would be so much easier. I am the stubborn toddler insisting I can do it alone (even though I can't really). But I am also the woman who's been through more that M can ever be trusted to know. This is the road I chose to walk. It is hard but it is mine, not "ours" or hers.

I am fighting the suspicion that I am really just a lazy failure. I know it's the FOO talking through the ICr. I'm just having a rough day.

On the bright side I am not dissociated from my feelings anymore, so that is a relief. Maybe tomorrow will bring a little clarity.

[movementforthebetter]

I binged a bit tonight. Not all at once. But dinner, dessert before my call with my M, a snack, then a late night sandwich. My portions were too big and only a couple of my choices were healthy. I only walked half my usual amount and didn't do yoga, nor physio. I did shower and brush my teeth. I have been picking a lot again, but thankfully haven't broken my skin badly like I sometimes do. I am a barely functioning adult half determined to self destruct.

I reached out to my "lover" tonight for some fun distraction from my distress over my M. Things had been heating up by text lately, but when I reached out tonight he referred to activities in the past tense. I failed to take the hint, carried on, then I was left hanging. I used a boundary statement, told him I felt unvalued when left hanging and told him that I would have at least liked a reply that he was unavailable. (which of course has received no reply) Then I felt angry most of the night and tried to cope with that, leading to me eating yet again. At least I felt anger, and I said something, and gave it thought before saying it. I wrote it based on a worksheet my T gave me on authentic communication. I'm not sure it will be taken better than bluntness but at least I stood up for myself as my best self wants to.

I am in a situation where I generally don't initiate, he does. And I am usually interested. His interest is not returned when I initiate. This is the second time now. I am much less willing to involve myself with him further. It's too complicated and I am ashamed I was vulnerable, thinking our openness with each other meant some kind of emotional bond was developing. I like his attention, but I am learning it is not real desire and I deserve better. Eventually I will get it. I know cognitively that I am the gatekeeper of acceptable relationships and behaviours, but emotionally I am still learning.

Tomorrow is another day. I change the dose of my medication this weekend, splitting into a morning and night dose to even out the effects of the effexor. I hope it helps. I think I made the right call advocating for that.

Aside from all this upheaval I am in for a quiet weekend. I want to discuss my job/return dilemma with someone. Other than that I have reading and cleaning ahead of me. And sleep. I should try that again. Even though I sleep a lot it's all broken into chunks.

I think I've drained the last thoughts out of me and into the electrons. Time for bed.

[movementforthebetter]

This morning I dreamt the "lover" texted me back something long but all I saw was the last word: nice. I couldn't get my texting app to open and that's when I realized I was in a dream and woke up. He did actually text me back a few minutes later. And the flush of anger at the betrayal was instant. Paraphrased text:

Hi, i was occupied with kids, im sorry you felt unvalued but im not validating your needs on demand

He took 4 year olds to the track last night so he could drink somewhere with them, and when I texted it was 10:30pm in his time zone. He was still busy with them? (also this has not stopped him in the past, when he wanted attention from me)

So this point was inevitable. It came sooner than I thought it would. This is as convenient a point as any to cut this off for my own well-being. My reply:

If you have any respect for me you will never contact me again.

Short, sweet, to the point. Stripping away one complication I should never have gotten into in the first place.

I might just be learning after all.

[Three Roses]

 

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for the celebration! I do have self respect and self worth coming out bit by bit. Feels good.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post for suffering pets (intentionally vague here, described below), binge eating, suicide, mania.





I have been emotional and tender today, and there are reasons. Last night I found a dying, emaciated orange tabby cat stumbling in some bushes. I called exbf & he eventually had to push it out from under a car with a stick. It could barely move and flopped like a ragdoll.  It was stsrving so we gave it some wet cat food (not much) but it threw it up and started convulsing. We got it into a tub and rushed it to an animal emerg close to us who said they couldn't take it because of the district it was from. I was nearly dumbstruck. The vet looked at it and said it was old and would likely need to be put down. He gave it a pain shot and we went to another vet across town, where thankfully they took it in. So that was stressful.

The day got off to a decent start. I did yoga, got all my walking in, spent time in the sun. All good.

Today was the first day of my new dosage for my meds. Same amount but now am and pm. I felt dizzy today with just the half dose. Also dissociated again, everything looked fake for about 5 min. I just took the 2nd half now.

I almost had a panic attack while walking to the grocery store but managed to get it under control right on the verge of tears. Had a vicious destructive streak which is what sparked the panic today, but even that wasn't as bad as it could have been. Only ate a third of a pint of ice cream with too much chocolate sauce instead of the whole thing like I had planned. I don't know why but I felt satisfied with less today. Maybe I was just sugared out.

I have missed the lover all day. I woke up and checked fb only to see pics of his son at the track. Still think that's a weird activity for kids but it got him in my head again and then I started regretting ending it with him. My message was clear, and maybe an overreaction, I thought. No more sex, sure. But I also ended the friendship. Even though he was cruel to me it hurts. Again on the verge of tears on the way home, but didn't start crying until right at my door.

So I ate some ice cream and watched some netflix. First a political thriller tv show where one of the characters is shown at home. She has an inoperable tumour and decides to end her life. For the first time they show her cat, who she kills by crushing pills into its wet food. Cue bawling. Ok, drama was a bad idea. I switch to comedy. It's a show where the lead had two adorable pugs. She's celebrating her dog's 18th birthday. She also decides ro go off her meds, throws the pills in the trash, and goes to work manic. Comes home and the dog has gotten into the trash, eatten the pills, and died. Really? Two tv animal deaths the day after the cat? This is not fair, obviously.

I decide to go online. I emailed my friend in the homeland letting him know if I get this job and stay here I will wire him rentbso he's not screwed over by my situation. Back on fb. First thing I see is a meme one of the lover's friends posted to his wall. It says "Dads are just like moms but smarter." And the lover liked it. Holy crap, what decade are we in? I have now unfriended him, greatful for the reminder that my red flag intuition was correct.

Now I am in bed, hopefully to sleep most of the night. I have jury selection tomorrow and maybe the week after. And a job interview this week (if not called to jury). And dinner and a concet with a friend tomorrow night. That will be nice at least. But I am ready for the pace of life to slow down now. Still a few weeks of rollercoaster left, though.

[movementforthebetter]

I walked into court today, first time ever. Strode up to the Sherrif's counter and said I was there for jury selection. The (sherrif? deputy? officer?) guy looked at me like he was a little afraid and said "Jury selection was cancelled. Didn't you receive notice?"

Me: "No, must have gone to my spam folder."

Him: "Well yeah, it's all cancelled"

Me: "Ok, thanks." But internally I am thinking 😎 heck yeah, just got 3 weeks of schedule cleared!

Got home and searched my email, it's a disaster, I'm a secret slob with my private stuff like that. But no, nothing. Nor in spamalot. Literally as I am searching an email from the Sherrif's office comes in that jury selection is cancelled for next week. LMAO, it was probably that guy's job to send it and he didn't do it the first time.

Stuff like that sometimes awakens a lot of anger in me, like how DARE you waste my time? But this is what life is, and I live in a pretty efficient place. I imagine living in Mexico... Would I go nuts?

I realize two things abour that anger. One is that it's a form of entitlement, I am too busy/stressed/have already suffered so much, so why am I being put upon again? Two is that it comes from toddler rage at my powerlessness in such situations. I am working on accepting and focusing on grounding at times like this. Of course, I didn't have anywhere else to be today so that was a major help.

[movementforthebetter]

The concert last night was good, and the dinner and company was great. My stomach became very upset later in the night, I think this was because I forgot my pm dose of my meds. I have now set an alarm in my phone until it becomes a habit. I don't mean to be so irresponsible with myself, but I am and have been a lot worse at times. I suppose changing my complete way of caring for and relating to myself is bound to have some setbacks!

Exbf is gone for a week. I have the place to myself. I intend to pack up a bunch of stuff and do some cleaning. After that I will be pet-sitting and have the option of staying over there if I want. And no jury duty, so I have a few weeks of relative peace ahead to re-commit to my self-care routines.

Feeling very anxious about my job interview. Don't want to go. Can't see how it could pay enough to meet my needs. Especially since the way things are lining up on the other side, I have things set up fairly well. I always feel nervous and anxious about interviews, and about a lot of things in general, haha. It'll be fine, just another step to get through on the path to clarity of purpose.

[movementforthebetter]

Last week I started digitizing old family slides. It was at times triggering but has also given me some anchor points in my past.

Tonight I started thinking about why I am afraid to be alone. I think this fear was in me from birth, this fear of abandonment and feeling of utter helplessness.

My M was not ready to be a mother. I have long felt she resented me. But now I realize she was probably terrified. Me still nursing and my B on the way, and her not even 20. Some of the slides showed my GrandM there...I have a few vague reccollections of her. I have the blanket she knitted me, still. So if she was there, M was not coping well. I think. Or maybe it was more of a family thing, or a Catholic thing. It's pretty normal for the mother to come help her daughter right after giving birth. But if M was not coping, which I suspect, then that would have imprinted on me. M told me I was collic-y. Was I, or was I a normal baby crying a normal amount, trying to get her attention? So perhaps it started then.

If not then, there would have been many times that contributed. I was threatened more things than I cam remember by her. Almost certainly she would have threatened to leave me somewhere. And later, she did leave me at home alone, looking out for my brother. I think it started around 9 or so. She was in her 20s and wantwd to enjoy life. We were in the way of that.

One time my F came over when she was gone. We had no sitter and she left us at home for an evening. I don't know what time it was. F asked where she was, and I said at a party or something. He took us to his place for the night, rightly thinking we shouldn't be alone at night and that I wasn't old enough to handle my little B. It aounds weird. All I remember is the interior of the car and having my blanket with me

A few hours later, we were woken up. My M had gotten home, found we were gone, and called the cops, who showed up to bring us home and deal with my F. Flashing lights red and blue. I was scared. She "won" because F looked like a criminal, but if anyone had done something illegal it was probably her. I guess she did actually abandon me that time, at least, to go party.  I'm lucky CPS didn't get involved... I imagine life would have been even worse if they would have. And she "won" because after that she got to turn us against F by saying he would kidnap us. So I lived in terror of thay for a long time.

Remembering this tonight, seems pretty clear why I have issues. I am glad my present is so much safer than my past.