Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

Started by movementforthebetter, July 12, 2016, 05:34:52 PM

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movementforthebetter

It sounds like this job is mine if I want it. I am expecting they will make an offer on Monday. It means I would have 3 more years here away from the homeland. Maybe that would be good for me and my independence. I need time to think, and fortunately I do have that now.

Wow.

:fallingbricks:

movementforthebetter

Time to think..hahaha. If there's one thing life does, it moves fast. I just had a call with my new coworker. I accepted the position. It's a serious (but probably lots of fun) career job in my field, my wage will be better than last time, I will get benefits (this is the major reason I said yes), and it is unionized. This is a good job and very rare in my field. I will have to work hard every day but I feel more confident today. I have a couple weeks to brush up my skills before I start getting my hands dirty.

I will be able to live on the wage. The benefits help with that. Might have to get a roommate, or I can afford a bachelor suite. I can do at least a couple more therapy appointments to wrap up emdr. Then I should find some other kind of therapy - which I might have some coverage for! My hours of work will limit that somewhat, but I will figure it out. I start Oct. 11th.

My heart is still in the homeland but I will head back around Christmas if I can for a visit. The hard thing with this is feeling like the girl who cried wolf. It really seemed like my benefits were going to run out before I found work again with so few bites. My whole internal and external world were unstable and I feel a lot of guilt for reaching out in the first place, and more now for changing the plan. Especially to my friend who had offered a place to rent. I'll make it right, but it's still so flakey, something I didn't want to be seen as. But maybe they won't see me that way, maybe they'll be happy for me. Maybe that was just my ICr talking. I will work on accepting the fact that this is what putting me first means, and I hope they understand.

Wife#2

MFTB - I feel certain that they will understand. When a rare opportunity comes knocking, and it's RIGHT in your comfort zone for type of job, benefits, etc, most people who know you will be very glad for you. Even if it means that they may miss out on rent (least of the worries, probably) and visiting with you in person.

movementforthebetter

Thank you, Wife#2, your support means a lot. I did email my friend last nigjt and he said it was fine, he knew I had to do what was right for me, and they had another renter lined up. I also told the other friend who I was going to move in with later on... She was theilles for me. So it all worked out. I will tell the rest of my friends today.

movementforthebetter

Today the inner critic is strong, bu I am determined to be gentle with myself in spite of it. I woke up and did some Yin yoga for the first time. I had so many thoughts arising, and it was so hard to surrender and relax. I realized that there are extremely few times I am totally relaxed. Not even in these poses with my body supported. I could feel things tensing up or twitching. Rarely even before sleep. I usually just get tired but since childhood I have screwed my eyes shut tight at bedtime, so I fall asleep in a frown. The only time I can reliably say I relax and surrender is after orgasm. The funny thing is that I could say I'm comfortable, but it wouldn't be the same as being relaxed. Something else to be mindful of.

movementforthebetter

I am sick. Almost certainly in relation to the stress I've been under lately. I didn't get sick for several years and this is the third time this year, now. I wasn't eating very well on job interview days, and less well in general, so I guess it makes sense. I always figured getting ill is at least partially a stress response. And I usually have too much stress and not enough coping/self-care. So I used to get sick a lot.

This time, a guy sneezed on me on the bus. So on the surface, he's to blame, but my inner critic seems to think that if I was doing everything right then I'd be impervious to most illnesses. I know that's a logical fallacy.

I also know that I need self care maybe more than others, though everyone does need it. And yet my immediate reaction, which I am still trying to replace, is to go for unhealthy "quick fixes". My outer critic would judge others for prioritizing themselves because I couldn't do it for myself. My inner critic judges me no matter what, so I drag myself to work sick now in fear of the judgement of others in addition to that of the critic. The "christian" work ethic is such garbage - societal indoctrination that makes sure people don't place their own needs above others. And that's what the majority of this judgement is rooted in - both mine and others. Work til you drop if you want to live. It's so backwards. Anyway, got on a rant there. I don't have to work yet. I just have to be even more gentle with myself for a few days.

annakoen

I can relate to this soooo much.
Yes, stress can really mess up your immune system and make you feel physically lousy for sure. And I know all about the "if I am not dying I have to go to work"-ethic and the fear of being judged.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

If a colleague happens to call you crazy for being at work and that you should be at home: go home. I had that once and it was a clear sign of being really really sick. A colleague saying that means they know you're really ill and not faking.

Also, go home if you feel awful. If a colleague ever calls you out for your outer critic (if you have expressed it) you can always say that you feel that way because you won't allow yourself to be sick either. It may open up dialogue even or, at the very least, you'll show that you didn't intend any hypocrisy and are a hard working person at the core. Just thinking out loud here.

Don't know what else to say.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

movementforthebetter

#127
Tonight's post is me complaining about entertainment. I seem to write here so much more than everyone else. Perhaps because I've made this space my main outlet for consistency's sake. But that might not be healthy in the long run. I suppose my goal is unofficially to become healthy enough that I don't need to be here.

Alone in my apartment this week while exbf is away. Space to do what I want. And I got sick, so mostly that has been watching tv or sleeping. Not the kickstarter week I thought it could be. I am having a brokenhearted night that has taken me by surprise.

I don't know if there are others out there that hate the way relationships are portrayed onscreen as much as I do. For years I couldn't watch romcoms because I hated them so much. But that intolerance grew to anything romantic, and at times I couldn't even handle scenes with happy families. Gilmore Girls was like papercuts under my  fingernails. I outwardly wrote it all off as unrealistic or contrived. But truthfully, I have known a couple mother/daughter combos that seemed to share that rediculously tight bond, and seeing it onscreen always reminds of what I don't have, and that it's not as farfetched as I want to believe. Rare, yes. But not impossible, at least, not for others. The only way I could know it is if I have my own daughter and foster that closeness myself. And I am in no position to do that.

I guess I am still grieving. Will I ever be done? There seems to be yet another layer each time I think the current layer is the last. I know it's not linear, but sometimes it feels spherical, and that can't be right either.

I can't stand overly strong romance, and am sometimes uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Mainly I think this because I have never experienced it. It happens to other people, not me. I have had some tender moments and some times I will never forget with people I have loved, but true romance takes work and I have never believed in the commitment of my partner enough to really give myself over to it. I always do in the begining, I would do almost anything. But it doesn't take long to find out those feelings aren't reciprocal. Exbf and I had about two and a half years where anything seemed possible. Until we went to a friend's wedding. I loved him so much, and I started to think of our future together, and maybe kids were a part of that future. But when I tried to talk to him about it he shut it down flatly. It wasn't what we agreed on when we first got together. He only wanted to have fun, without any serious commitment or responsibility. And I fell out of love in that moment. I still loved him for years after but it was never romantic again. I realized he would never envision the future in the same way as me. And yet I stayed, because nothing was "wrong". We were having "fun". And I was too scared to be alone, had so little self-worth that I thought this was the best I was going to get.

It sucks to realize that I wasted most of my life on others. It sucks to realize that I might want kids, but only with the right partner. And that I have such an unstable foundation and nothing saved up for the future, again mainly due ro my misplaced external focus, so I don't really have much to offer a partner at this point, anyway. It sucks to have to leave the man who has been my best friend for 9 years. And it sucks to realize in an ill-advised affair that that deeper level of connection is possible. With my life in the state it's in, no man I would want would want me, so this next chapter of my life will be about me alone, by default. And I know that's best for me to heal myself. Cold comfort.

I still feel so much fear and loneliness. I would always run away from it for fear it would swallow me. And I still feel that way. But I've been through so much wrong in my life that the main glimmer of hope I have is that I am more courageous than I know, and that I can learn to thrive, and that I can do it alone.

This post brought to you by buckets of tears.

Wife#2

 :bighug:

You have more to offer than you realize. Yourself and/or a partner. Yes, some time alone can help you heal better than being in a relationship where your default is tend to others, not yourself.

It is true that the scars we don't know what to do with can hold us back. Yes, they've healed, but they're still visible. Even if others don't see them, we know they're there. The hardest part of having these scars is allowing others to see them and not feel judged.

Yet, you have so much to offer, you are such a kind person, you really do have so much love ready to burst out of your heart. The capacity is completely there. And if I can see that just from your words on a computer screen, I can only imagine how impactful meeting you would be.

I know my words won't make your current situation better or make that perfect SO suddenly show up (or be revealed). I speak anyway to let you know that, even in these saddest moments, you ARE loveable and DO deserve that kind of 'know you and still love you' repartee in friendship and/or romance. Please don't doubt that. I can't promise you'll find it, but I do see you well enough to see that you DO deserve it!

Dutch Uncle

Quote from: movementforthebetter on September 26, 2016, 07:13:41 AM
I suppose my goal is unofficially to become healthy enough that I don't need to be here.
I so relate. I'd leave here rather today than tomorrow.

QuoteFor years I couldn't watch romcoms because I hated them so much.
Fairy tales. That's what these romcoms are. "They lived happily ever after". Right. But is it ever explained just HOW they do that? No. Of course not. Since it firstly takes an effort, and secondly during the effort one usually is not particularly 'happy'.

QuoteIt sucks to realize that I might want kids, but only with the right partner.
"With whom else?", I'd ask. The only reason I don't have kids is that "I never ran into the right partner" (that sounds rather passive) and when I did, I was too scared and/or confused to actually commit. Commit in the sense off: "Yeah! This is good enough!" Nobody ever told me "good enough" is possibly all that it might take.
Then again, my parents divorced after 40 years of a marriage of perpetual conflict. Not a good environment  to raise children. I can attest to that. How to do better? I haven't got a clue. I think I was mostly weary to end up in a similar situation, than looking for what I was 'missing' in that relationship, and simultaneously being happy I was missing it.
But being happy never seemed to be a part of having a relationship, as my parents mirrored to me.

QuoteThis post brought to you by buckets of tears.
:grouphug:
And thanks for sharing.
I hope my reply wasn't too depressing.

sanmagic7

hang onto that glimmer, mftb!  it's real.  you are courageous and deserving of nothing but the best.  as long as you continue on your path of healing, there really is no telling what's around the corner.  hills and valleys, for sure, maybe a few surprises.  in the meantime, just to let you know, buckets of tears have been my closest friends for years!  but, even they are diminishing.  give yourself time and patience.  as it is said, this, too, shall pass.

movementforthebetter

Thank you for the words of support, everyone. I'd like to respond to each in detail, and I might, but no promises. I am a little overwhelmed right now.

I woke today feeling a little better. Still sad, but functional. It was actually a pretty productive day. I put on my game face (makeup), got a piece of gov't paperwork for my new job, took it in, ate reasonably (by my low standards, dinner will help balance it out for the day), did laundry, and did some cleaning. Even made the bed. I will surpass my walk goal by the end of the day and plan to get some yoga in, with reading before bed. I'm just starting to find a routine that works for me, at least the things I think need to happen each day for me to function at my best. It will all be up in the air soon since I will have to work at 7am, but at least I will have items to "check off" so regardless what happens I can have my own basic standards for success.

As for love, I still want it, haven't given up on it, but am not yet ready for it. Fair enough! I have so much else to focus on. Loneliness will probably fade with time and self-care.


movementforthebetter

#132
TRIGGERS in this post for child sexual abuse and feminist discussion.

I had my first session with my T in a couple weeks today, and it will be the last regular session for a while. I couldn't handle doing EMDR today so we talked, reviewed my therapy plan, and re-evaluated my list of values.

I gave her the recap of what had happened in the past couple weeks (which is probably a rediculous  amount of change for anyone) and broke down crying after telling her how I ended it with the lover. She asked what he represented to me and I responded "possibilities". I felt like I closed a door on someone I had an authentic connection with. I was totally honest with him although I couldn't totally trust him with my deepest vulnerabilities yet (that will be a rare man, and will take time). I know he wasn't healthy for me. She tried to help me reframe it as closing the door on him, but doing so because I am "cleaning house" to make space for people who truly value and respect me and will meet me halfway. I know this in my head, it's exactly why I ended it. But my heart isn't there yet. Somehow when I needed to, my head took control and ended it because my heart would just fight, push-pull, and still end up without resolution. That's what usually happened in spats in the past. But with him I saw some things I didn't like. He's a nurse who has worked in a psych ward, and he knows my issues and that I am in therapy. Yet he went straight to saying he wouldn't "validate" me, when I was asking for the respect of a "Sorry. Can't. Busy now." That's it. Respect, not validation. It felt so incredibly cruel that he went there. And it might sound weird to say, but that is what I'm holding onto as my attachment to him runs its course. The past two days I almost messaged him. Wanted to apologize so badly and try to be friends again. But then I see that text from him, and the surgical precision of the cruelty, and I know that in the heat of the moment I made the right call. I'm just not used to doing it, so part of this pain is the flexing of my new muscles of self-respect. Nurturing relationships were always for other people in the past, not me. But my thoughts on that are slowly changing. Eventually I will be ready again, and when I am, I will be fully present and available.

Because of the new job I am taking a break from EMDR for a while. But not from therapy.  :whistling:

My T also runs an evening support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. She'd been suggesting it for a while. So for the next 8 weeks that is what I will be doing. We talked about what I want to get from it. I'm not even sure. Most of the time I don't really feel anything when I think about my CSA, and yet tonight thinking about it just now made me tear up. I guess I am looking forward to meeting others who share similarly complicated/awful/traumatic childhood experiences. I am not looking forward to hearing the extent of their abuse. I am sure it could be so much worse than mine and my heart breaks that anyone has to go through that. But I am looking forward to feeling less "other".

Statistically, I know several women with similar backgrounds. But if I do, they've never shared that with me. And most wouldn't, I think. I actually think that most people don't seek healing. I am lucky enough to be here even though it hurts. It's better than forever living frozen in time. I suspect that is what is wrong with my M, and that she's denied it so long she's completely dissociated herself. But I'm not her dr.

I personally despise the phrase "no pain no gain" but basically that's what this painful journey is. I like to think of it as moving from the darkness into the light. Movement for the better. Not done with moving yet. My T reminded me I am laying important foundations that are unfamiliar, and that will be part of the pain. I find with every good thing that happens I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall. It's been like that my whole life. And because I expect that shoe, I give up, or self sabotage, or just can't stay in the present. It's so hard to relearn, and I can trace it back to 8 yrs old at least. A lifetime to recategorize. I am almost done phase 1. My last EMDR target is my F's death. I realized I'm not ready for it so it will wait til after survivors group.

Ugh... Not sure if I thought of it this way before, but I always figured my CSA started with the babysitter. I know now it started with my F and his magazines,if not before. (if there is a before I hope to never remember it) Was I in denial? Maybe. Or just didn't understand what actually constitutes CSA. I think I have kinda looked at it before, but not fully, even with EMDR. Will do in group. The Body Keeps The Score kinda jolted me about how different abuswd children are, and it makes me make a bit more sense. Might not be able to post about that in Book Talk. Too personal a realization.

I would like to talk about some more feminist issues here, but was triggered by some posts a while ago into thinking that many of the members here wouldn't get my intentions or respond well. It makes me sad that I even think I have to put a trigger warning for this, but welcome to the internet. A few would be interested for sure, but would it be enough to make the pains of opening up the discussions worth it? I'm easily wounded by cruel words and these kinds of discussions have a tendency to show some ..."blind spots" in others. Maybe one day. I feel it would be a valuable addition to the forum if only to point women towards empowering resources.

movementforthebetter

Wide awake at 4am after only 4 and a half hours sleep. At least while I was sicker the cold meds kept me sleepy enough to get a full nights rest. Now I am awake despite takig a night time decongestant. But hey, I'm not stuffed up at all.

I think I was having a dream about the now ex-lover. How do men get under my skin so easily? Half biology, half conditioning, I suppose. I even missed exbf while he was away. I guess that's normal, though. He was my partner for 9+ years.

I'm staying at a friend's currently, house sitting. Will do it again this month, too. It's been really nice to have space and time alone. It means I feel the extreme loneliness sometimes but the quiet it so peaceful for my frazzled nerves.

I had a memory tonight that I hadn't thought of in forever... Maybe since these things happened.

As a kid I used to play dead. I don't know exactly when this started but I think I was 5 or 6. I used to lay totally still and slow my breathing as much as I could so that my chest wouldn't even move when I breathed. I think I combined breathing shallower with holding my breath otherwise I'm not sure how I did it.

I remember thinking at least once that if people thought I was dead they would be sad and pay attention to me. That can't be a normal thought for a kid, can it?

At other points I did it to avoid attention. I think it was some kind of early dissociation. I remember being at a lake with family and not wanting to be with anyone so I went in the tent and either played dead or faked being asleep so I could lay there and fantasize. I faked being asleep more than once as I got older, too. As early as 3, I remember trying to be very still in bed and having to scrunch my eyes shut tight because they wouldn't stay shut on their own. I can keep them closed now but still scrunch when falling asleep. And I have also pretended to be asleep at other times, too. Is it just a weird was to get alone time, or representative of some other form of escape?

Fast forward to high school. For some reason in Drama class we were playing graveyard. I won by a landslide, with classmates saying I was holding my breath yet waiting longer than I could hold my breath but still not seeing my chest move. They didn't understand how. They said I won but I thought they were trying to trick me so I still waited another minute.

woodsgnome

I normally choose not to comment on recovery journals; to me they're a work-in-progress and it seems like intruding on the flow to check in with outside commentary. But something you said is very familiar to me, so with your forbearance I just wanted to relate.

You said: "I have also pretended to be asleep at other times, too. Is it just a weird way to get alone time, or representative of some other form of escape?" Definitely not weird, based on my experience, and probably indicative, as you suggest, of that elusive escape some of us needed. That pretend demeanour can do the trick when desperate, but it also can become habitual as one gets familiar with doing it.

I also did this as a kid when stuff got rough around me. When I became an improv actor as an adult, this learned trait served me well on many occasions. And there are times when I still fall into that mode almost automatically, especially in a stressful situation with no other practical escape.

Despite my social side, the inner private self is secretly petrified of people, whether I know them or they're strangers. And so I can close down rapidly, even with eyes open. I've even (not on purpose) startled people when I'd slightly move; have even received the comment of "Oh...we thought you were a statue." And depending on where I am (a museum, say), the blend is actually that perfect.

But I know the why, and your description was very familiar. So I wanted to chime in with how this has shown up in my life.

Thanks.