Hello

[WhatsToLose]

Hi, I'm going to jump in and introduce myself and my situation. I think I have CPTSD. While I've come across it before, I just have been reading up on it more now and I believe the description very much fits me. I am 52 yrs old and since I was 3 months pregnant, been the single mother of a now almost 18 year old bipolar daughter. She wasn't an easy child but about 8 years ago, more severe things were happening. I at first tried to handle a lot on my own and then involved a few close people. My family is small and I'm not comfortable with my siblings except for my sister (weird relationship - she is older, unmarried, no kids, her mindset is often that of a sheltered teenager, I often have the role of the 'older' sister). My daughter's issues included depression, hearing voices, mania, SH, anxiety, major lying and manipulation and a whole lot more. She uses me as her target any time she is upset, hurt, frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious, you name it. I am always wrong no matter what I do. She likes to tear me apart and it seems like she is in competition with me over many things. Most of it is verbal and emotional abuse but she has gotten physical with me on occasion. We went through many therapists for her and she has been seeing her current one for 3+ years. There have been many incidents with police and ERs. One of the previous therapists threatened to call CPS on me because I didn't agree she needed hospitalization. We went for an evaluation and THAT therapist agreed with me. It would have been traumatic, unnecessary and made everything much worse. It was only last December that we finally made it through a school event without something dramatic happening.

Despite all, my daughter and I are close. I love her and have completely supported her and been invested in raising her. She has a lot of good qualities. She is a wonderful and responsible student (honors) and is fun and funny and intelligent when she is in a good place. She has been making progress and has recently recognized the need to take her meds consistently (thank goodness!!). The right thing I did was to establish an open line of communication with her when she was very young. She could ask me/tell me anything. I'm very patient and understanding and supportive. I am fairly liberal too. I'm not a harsh disciplinarian but I'm not a pushover either. Somehow though that bond has helped through the last 8 years and it has kept her from completely going out of control. She needs me a lot which I think she knows and hates that she does. She knows I give her unconditional love, support and help.

As for me, well 3 years ago I felt the twigs starting to snap in me. I couldn't take dealing with it. Being responsible 24/7 and dealing with her and how she was treating me. I sank into a depression. There were a lot of really dark days. I stopped eating. I now have an ED. I was suicidal and it seems like that voice in my head never fully disappears but the intention is not there and hasn't been for a while. I still struggle greatly with depression though. I started SH but I'm diligently trying to put that behind me. Not always successful but making good progress. When things get too much with my daughter, I get into a very depressed, negative place complete with self hate/self destructive tendencies. With the pressure of college (she just graduated high school), the last few months, her anxiety and issues have increased somewhat drastically. We have been dealing with a manic episode too.

Not only does she criticize me and tell me I'm always wrong, she has been caught time and time again trying to manipulate me into thinking people are against me, saying things behind my back about me, that my problems have nothing to do with her and her issues. She has fabricated situations that I have proven didn't happen. Some she admits she lied about (mostly the ones from 3 to 5 years ago) but I believe that she believes she tells the truth about more recent ones. She makes my world completely unstable. I have a hard time figuring out what reality is when I'm around her too much. I have a really hard time going back and forth from loving the good side of my daughter and getting angry/hating the shrew that comes out at times.

Aside from her issues, right after I fell into depression, I was laid off from a job I was at for 11 years (company wasn't doing well), my  mom (who was my best friend) died, my one friend who completely didn't get mental issues and thought I just needed to be a firmer disciplinarian with my daughter threw anger at me for how I felt/thought (she is now out of my life). I've had others who have walked away too. My daughter in one of her fits called the police on me and they bought into the crying little girl and arrested me on charges on endangering a minor. I had to go for evaluations and to court to have the charges dismissed. Found out the police violated several of my rights during that episode. They also left me isolated in a jail cell overnight where I unsuccessfully tried to end it.  My family dynamics stink. I've tried therapists and meds to help and had awful issues with those as well.

I don't think I'm in the dark days any more but I do get very depressed, deal with the eating disorder, some OCD too. I'm afraid of the future. I don't know if my daughter will be able to handle college. She's very stubborn and headstrong. I'm also afraid of her going off and losing any hopes of a relationship. She talks as if she can't wait to get away and never come back. I'm already grieving not having had the daughter relationship I wanted. I was very close with my mom, even through the teenage years. I don't know what it will be like and I fear the worst. I know I do that a lot. I make up scenarios in my head of bad things happening.

On my side, I try and I try hard. To be stable. Over and over again I pick myself up and start again. I'm optimistic by nature. I know I'm too sensitive and empathic. I cave a lot because I feel bad for my daughter. I think about what she must be feeling. I also know what causing my thoughts/feelings/behaviors. I get feedback from my friends and my daughter's therapist. They say I handle her well and the right way, that I keep trying (for me) and what I say makes sense. I know I need separation from my daughter to get better myself. So many articles say about removing yourself from the source of the abuse but as a mother of an underage child, you can't. I hope when she goes off to college in about 6 weeks, I can start putting myself together but I have to admit I'm afraid that it's too late and I'll just fall apart. And if she has big issues transitioning to college, I'm afraid that will really sink me.

This probably has been very disjointed. I do write a lot myself to get my thoughts and feelings out and I am normally a good writer but it seems hard here to put my history/situation out there to try to explain everything.

I guess my question though it, do you think what I've described sounds like I have CPTSD? I do think I do but I'm interested in hearing what others think. You often hear of child abuse, spouse abuse but not so much about a parent being verbally/emotionally abused by a child (above and beyond normal kid/teenage stuff).

[Three Roses]

First of all, hello and welcome!

"I'm afraid that it's too late and I'll just fall apart."

It's never too late! I'm a bit older than you and I've already seen some improvement from the teeny bit I've been doing.

Living with anyone who has the challenges your daughter does can be a CPTSD inducing situation. I have a very good friend with a daughter much like yours, and I see the toll it's taken on her.

Pete-walker.com has great info on causes and treatments of complex ptsd.

We're glad you're here!  Hang in there <3

[WhatsToLose]

Thank you Three Roses. The Pete Walker website looks like it has a lot of good information. It is very relieving to find all this information and this forum. It's validating. I want to believe there is hope for both my daughter and for me. As more time goes by and the expectations were that she would have made more progress by now but has in fact regressed a bit, it's depressing and scary. I do see some signs that she handles things a little better but there is still so much drama and meltdowns. So much to deal with. Thank you for the welcome and the referral to that site. And the encouragement from your experience. The next few months as my daughter transitions to college will be big steps for both of us. Hopeful and fearful at the same time.

[moony]

I cannot imagine the love, strength and determination it takes to lift both yourself and your daughter up.