Somatic Conversion Disorder

[LaurelLeaves]

I was just recently reading about conversion disorder.  And think that is what I had.  I had it until I was 28. 

See, I couldn't hear people or see people right.  Like I couldn't hear conversation, but if people spoke directly to me, I could.  Also, people were like shadows to me.  For example, if it was a stranger, I couldn't see what they were wearing or their body language... I just saw an random entity.   

I couldn't tell that it was a somatic condition, until I broke out of it.  I broke out of it because my feelings suddenly changed for the better  about who I was.    It was like Tommy in the Who's Rock Opera, when the mirror smashed!   

[radical]

I remember saying to my T when I first met her, that I wasn't very visually aware.  I didn't notice things that other people seemed to, about my surroundings.  I never had any idea about furnishings or colours, what anyone was wearing unless there was something very unusual about it, for example.  I never noticed that this unawareness was just when I was indoors. Outdoors I took lots in, especially if I was by myself.

Like you, I notice so much now, partly because I look around more, partly because I'm not so trapped inside my own head and obsessed with my own fears.  It's hard to say exactly.  There were things I hyper-focused on and other things I was sort of oblivious to.  For me it was more visual than auditory, I remembered lots of detail of what people said.  It seems strange to me now.  When I think back, I remember all sorts of fears when I was around other people and a horrible self-consciousness.

I don't know if this relates to your experience, but recently, I noticed how much it has changed.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I felt so afraid all the time, that I was looking for danger in facial expressions and words, and also trying to avoid being overwhelmed by looking down to block it out.

I was seeing her for PTSD.  I thought this was just how I was, visually unaware.  I didn't think it had anything to do with the reason I was there.