Looking for Some Hope in This long Recovery Process

[Ferzak]

I have always struggled with depression and anxiety and been in and out of therapy for most of the life-more than 40 years- but many times therapy left me feeling worse-embarrassed that I am so negative, so angry...embarrassed that I was still blaming parents, embarrassed that I can't seem to get out of the depression, like a failure, etc. When I read Peter Walker's book 2+ years ago It was a revelation.  It was the first time in my life anyone had explained what I was going through.  I had thought I wasn't working hard enough, was just too negative of a person, was blowing my experience up out of proportion, and was pretty much, hopeless.  I was able to find a great therapist who completely understands CPTSD and was able to start telling my story all the way through to someone who didn't cut me off and try to white wash everything with forced gratitude, and positivism and create an action plan before I had time to fully vent and grieve.  I had to recently stop therapy with this great guy recently after 2 years because he did not take insurance and I could no longer afford sessions.

I am in a bad flashback right now and can't seem to kick it.  I am sure it is in part mourning the end of my therapy  (I have found a new therapist who seems good enough so far) but mostly it is that I am still so angry at my parents, especially my mother, who has borderline personality disorder.  She is a waif borderline (sorry to use labels but will in the interest of short hand on an already long post!), very much the victim always,  and she is now elderly and in need of support both physically and financially as is my dad.  I am enraged that they were awful parents and now need to be taken care of.  I am enraged that not only were they unavailable emotionally, but in a constant war of the roses on the verge of divorce (still are after 60+ years!) and isolated us from any possible support by constantly moving (16 times by the time I was 13..all different schools ).  I am especially enraged that my mother who checks out the second anything gets emotional or tough....and for her EVERYTHING is a major ordeal.
anyway
I am so angry!!
I am in my late 50s and divorced.  I live in an area of the country that is conservative and traditional-I am neither-so I struggle with making connections even though I do make effort.  I am scared that I may never have a chance to be happy.  I function very well with day to day things...my bills are paid on time, I have a house and car on my modest salary by having a roommate and having bought a fixer upper that  I have made beautiful. But I am so sad and so angry. I feel so alone and the energy it takes to make it through  the day is monumental and leaves me no energy for my true loves-art and music.  And I am so angry!!!  One last thing.  I am triggered daily due to the situation with my parents and also with my sister who works at the same place I do and is very dysfunctional. 
I dream of moving to the west coast, a place I love, although I understand that there is no magic place and where ever you go, there you are. I can retire next year with life time medical benefits but will most likely have to work at least part time for the rest of my life.
I guess I am just looking for some hope and reassurance that it isn't too late to have a happy or even happyish life!

[Three Roses]

 

[samantha19]

My experiences are different, especially as I am still rather young, but I can say I experienced a good deal of healing once I realised I had C PTSD too, and began to address my issues, vent (mostly to a diary lol skint life) and grieve.
I understand being triggered by seeing family, it sucks. Sorry you have to go through all of that.
If you dream of going to the west coast maybe that will be good for you! I have found moving away and following my dreams to be quite helpful, if it will make you happy I would say go for it! :-) (if you want to of course. I must say it did take me time to get settled and that but hey ho.)

Your anger is deserved, hopefully this will help you in the long run to feel it so you can grieve and let it out of your system.

Sending love and healing. I wish you all the best 

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Ferzak,

I identify so much with what you wrote except that I am in my late 30s and have nothing to my name. No home or savings so I may never be able to retire. And I believe I will become responsible for caring for my mother as she has detached from reality and gone on permanent disability in her early 50's. She has a younger husband currently doing the caregiving but they almost split once already that I think it will happen for real one day. She dragged divorcing my father on for 10 years!

I spent many years in so much raging anger (ironically just like my mother but for different reasons, even though she's the last person I want to be like). I still feel it, but it is also giving way to acceptance of what life has dealt me. I am trying to make the best life I can with the raw deal I got. I am trying to view her as just another person, and with the same detachment and compassion that I would a stranger. I've stopped focusing on her and started focusing on me alone within my family.

My last visit was the first time I didn't expect anything of her, and because of that I saw her clearly. I still hate how I was raised and the echoes of it, but I was surprised that I don't hate her anymore. I will do what I reasonably can for her and nothing more than that. I didn't deal with her totally effortlessly but it didn't hurt like it used to.

This was a long post but the point is that your anger is so totally valid! You are safe here to vent and we are here to listen and support. And I for one totally get feeling robbed multiple time by the same abusers in life. And yet I still think there's hope for contentedness in life. (I admit I adjusted my expectations to see happiness as a more occasional state, and contentedness as an acheivable norm.)

You are clearly further along in your recovery journey than me. I hope that this is a brief dark spell for you. But regardless, this site is here whenever we need it and I am so grateful for that. I am just getting that there's no real "recovery finish line" where it will all fall into place, and yet I still think there can be long stretches of contentedness and even happiness, so I do look forward to the future despite also anticipating some very hard times ahead.

[Ferzak]

Thanks everyone for your words and support!  I  was able to get in to see my new therapist yesterday and he was very helpful.  His focus tends to be on doing.  At first I felt invalidated but he explained that he completely understood why I felt the way I did, and that I was very justified in feeling that way, but he wanted to focus on the solution.  As I have had 2 years of venting and grieving, I was ready to try something new.  He wants me to try various Meet Up groups.  He explained that 80% of the time there will be no connection with the activity or the people but to keep trying and that I could work out my feelings and reactions to my experience in his office.   I am going to take his advice.

[Contessa]

Hi Ferzak, your initial post regarding anger and constant triggers is very familiar to me personally despite our different age and experiences. Glad to hear there is a shift in focus from venting to doing.

I'm in the process of that change now, and a lot of that has come down to a reduction of anger. That has come in large part by finally meeting people who understand on this forum. For me it has been an unexpectedly swift change for the better.

Wish you all the best success on this journey, sounds like a very positive start so far