My sister told me I am gaining too much weight

[Dee]

I am recovering from anorexia.  My sister and I have always had body image issues.  I am following a meal plan.  I get weighed every two weeks and I am not yet at maintenance phase.  I am close to my goal weight.  I know what I see is different from what other people see, I get that.  Because of that I have to rely on my dietitian to set a healthy weight.  In a way I really have given up control of my body because I cannot access it correctly.  Tonight my sister told me to put my put my fingers around my wrist.  If I can close it, it means I have petite bones.  She also said that means I should be on the low end of the BMI scale.  She thinks my dietitian is trying to put me on the high end and that isn't realistic.  This is so hard for me.  I think I am fat, I thought I was fat 20 lbs ago too.  My sister says that I needed to gain weight, no doubt, but I need to be done now too.  Every day I feel like quitting.  This has got to be the hardest day for me yet.  I am so confused.  I agree that I am fat, I also agree that I need to stop gaining.  However my dietitian doesn't see it the same way.  Is my dietitian wrong, or is my sister putting her body images on me too.

It's been a hard week and it keeps getting harder.  I would love to stop my meal plan.  I would love to lose weight.  BUT, I think if I do that I cannot work on my other issues.  I can't do one without the other.  I want to get better with CPTSD but I don't want to do it fat.  I don't think I have a choice.  I'm exhausted.

[radical]

What a cruel thing to do to you.  I'm sorry your sister was so hurtful when you are feeling so vulnerable.  Some people can't seem to resist kicking you when you are down, and there are so many issues between sisters, probably even those who don't come from abusive families.

I wish I could trust my sister, but I try to never go near her when I'm vulnerable.  I can pretty much guarantee she will hurt me, yet I don't think it is conscious or deliberate - more a trained pattern from both our parents.  This might not be relevant to your situation, I hope you are okay with me wondering "aloud" because of my own.

Are you able to accept that because of your eating disorder you are often unable to be realistic about your weight and that a dietician would be a more reliable source of information?   Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself about particular issues is admit that I have problems that stop me from seeing things as they are, and set off obsessions that aren't realistic - sort of like not being able to see the forest for the trees. 

At the moment I'm very depressed and ruminating about all sorts of horrible things so I try to remind myself that when I get like this, or when I'm in emotional flashback mode, I can't rely on my own perceptions.  I'm trying to not torture myself from the inside, and to look after myself as best I can, but it isn't easy.

It's helped me writing this.  I hope I'm not projecting my own stuff onto you.  but this is the truth for me.  Please discard what doesn't fit.  I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Three Roses]

"My sister and I have always had body image issues....Is my dietitian wrong, or is my sister putting her body images on me too."

I think you answered your own question. When you get lost, you don't ask someone else who is also lost for directions. Your sister may be jealous you're getting healthy, or maybe she's just giving her honest (if wrong) opinion. I'd listen to the health care professional.

[arpy1]

i feel very angry for you that you have had to deal with this, Dee.  it seems to me that sometimes even those closest to us need, whether they consciously mean to or not, to sabotage us when we are making progress. it's almost that for them, somehow it is more important to maintain the dynamic that has always existed in terms of the way the relationship works, than it is to allow us to be honest and change and heal.  that's what it feels like to me, reading your post. 

if you and your sister have always had these body image issues, i can imagine how hard she might find it that you are dealing with yours in a positive and fruitful way. and that your physical health is improving to boot. that will change not only your relationship with your own body but it will also challenge her with both with her relationship with her own and towards your body image.  it is a complicated thing, and i may be wrong, but if i am right, am not surprised that your recovery raises issues for her that she may not even be able to realise.

you are taking charge. i know it doesn't feel like it, but you have honestly assessed yourself, decided that to get better, you have to rely on someone with more expertise than you to guide you about your weight becos you aren't able at the moment to see clearly. and then you have gone ahead and done it. you have gained weight, and you are approaching maintenance phase.  that is huge!.  i know how hard it is to achieve in this whole battle with anorexia. but you have done it, you're nearly there.  that's taken enormous strength and bravery. people don't understand sometimes just how hard it is.

keep going Dee, you are in control of your life, not your sister. be confident that the decisions you have made and the actions you have taken have been the right ones for you.  i admire you to be honest.

[Danaus plexippus]

My granny always said "The blind can't lead the blind."

[Dee]

Thanks for all the reality checks.  I have come to realize that my therapy threatens her world in many ways.  Most importantly she has never addressed the past and tries to deny it.  We have not discussed it, but she has to know that I am working on it.  Additionally, she wants to be the only person in my life other than my kids.  Getting better means that I am reaching out to other people.  I have occasionally met with a neighbor.  It's not a close friendship, but it is more of a friendship than I have had for a long time.  My sister met her and immediately told me she doesn't like her.  Maybe instead of looking at how sick I am all the time she is starting to realize that she is too.  My sister and I have not been in the same location since she left home when I was a kid.  I have to be honest, it isn't as great as I imagined.  I liked it more when she was on the other side of the globe.

Thank you, I fell off of my meal plan the last couple of days, but I'm going to get back on it.  Also, I am not going to lie and make up the meal plan that I have not been following.  A lot of stress right now and I did a lot of shutting down.

[Three Roses]

 

[arpy1]

that's brilliant, Dee. you are strong, i will say that.  and very astute as well. congrats on getting right back up and into the fight again. it encourages me in my own fight against totally zoning out, as the last week or two have been pretty awful here too. thanks for showing me all is not lost!  it's funny isnt it, how it often takes other people to point out the crazymakers in our lives  even tho we can see the crazymakers in other people's so clearly?