Friends - or lack thereof

[gongfy]

The issue I have with friends is that I have so very few of them.  I will take responsibility for that.  My perfectionistic ways have led me to such a single-minded focus with my career that it has left little time to develop other interests or pursuits.  To be fair, it is also difficult because I am the primary caregiver for my adult developmentally disabled son.  I have had some people though who I have considered friends, but for some reason or another - they just drift away. 

I wish I could have a conversation with one of my friends who has distanced themselves from me and ask why - specifically what is it about me that is so difficult.  Too work focused?  Yes, but I see others who are very career focused and they have friends.  Too needy?  I have tried very hard not to be.  Have I tried to hard and it came off as distant? 

I find it rather odd.  In my younger days, before years of therapy - I had many more friendships.  I consider myself much more functional now - but considerably more lonely.   

[kwijibo]

I can relate to feeling more functional (also after years of therapy) but also more lonely. I think just the way life tends to change as one gets older hasn't been good for me. It's harder to make new friends now; before there were lots of chances to gradually become friends with someone, and now it has to be a much more active process. When it comes to existing friends I'm deeply afraid of being a burden or staying past my welcome. I'm usually the one who ends up ending a friendship through inaction, not on purpose, but because I assume they don't want me around anymore. I also feel like I might come off as distant or iritable to people.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, kwijibo! We're glad you're here. 

[Danaus plexippus]

Have you tried a support group for caregivers of developmentally disabled adults?

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can relate and I think it does somewhat change with age ...
I guess some have enough friends and so are not so open to making new ones ...
We get more choosy as we age ?
I feel the same and can get v upset - but I know I just stay open to connecting with others the best way I can -- find interests ( meet up . Com is very good ! And try and be consistent with who I am to others
I find now as well I am working to not be so needy and not put all my eggs in one basket...
A work in progress

[gongfy]

Thanks for the suggestions Danaus and Boatsetsailrose.  Unfortunately I live in a fairly isolated area and those aren't available here.  I think that is part of the problem.  Moving isn't an option at this point. 

[Danaus plexippus]

Thanks for the insight. That's something to take into consideration. I want so badly to get out of the city and settle into some nice quiet bucolic local. Your revelations have me reevaluating my conceptions of the rural life.

[gongfy]

Danaus I think it depends on the small town.  The small town I am from isn't very accepting of "outsiders."  It's one of those kind of places where families go back for generations. 

[Ren]

Understood gongfy !  After much secondary wounding - "get over it" "you must have caused it"  "you're imagining" when I tried to explain the harm done to me by NPD mother I withdrew.  I was so shocked at the lack of empathy that when it came to move we chose to live in a semi-rural area.  And like others there was little interaction with people I felt comfortable with.  Yes, a tad perfectionistic too.  I wanted intelligent and understanding people who would not judge my unasked for wounding.

I recently read in the book noted elsewhere here by Matsakis about trusting people again after trauma -  that there are "rules for belonging" which I find very difficult to come to terms with.  Long ago I swore to be interested only in truths due to the false fronts from my family of origin.  Apparently it is a rare stand !  The writer notes that we telling of our problems to others is something that unsettles them, presses on their tender spots and in some cases confronts them with their own bigger problems.  Often people just don't know what to say.

It has left me with a dilemma in trying to rejoin the world after quite a few years of healing and withdrawal in sensitivity.   Maybe it is just the country people, maybe it is the whole world who want to avoid reality  ?

Do I want too much.?  I wish you well gongfy and the small town life.   Residential homes are growing rapidly around our area and most are now commuters leaving home early in the morning for the city, an hour away, and returning late at night so neighbourhoods have disappeared.  There is also the fears of newcomers as you note, but a changed world and dangerous times mean people are less trusting anyway.  I have always been friendly with neighbours and now it is impossible as both husband and wives work, children dropped at day care and so no engagement at all.  I put it down to culture. 

Thank goodness for the internet which may be your best connection gongfy ? 

[gongfy]

I think you are probably right Ren - there is safety in online friendships.  Being judged online, at least for me, isn't quite as hurtful as being judged in person.  And because of that there is a certain freedom in not having to wear a mask or put on a happy face when you don't feel like it.  I guess in some ways, it does allow the opportunity to be more real, more direct.  I think the problem though - is that is the way I am in real life.  I am very honest, and very direct.  That can be most disconcerting for others - online or not.

[woodsgnome]

Gongfy, regarding the difficulty of finding therapy/groups in remote towns, I recall a discussion in an old OOTS thread about the 'new' phenomenon of online therapy sites being available. Living in a back country area myself, I considered checking these out but in the meantime found an outstanding therapist just 25 miles from here who I'm seeing weekly.

So I never followed through, but I did look at a couple sites in the process...I've heard they're even becoming popular in metro areas for people who'd prefer that to fighting traffic and such. Anyway, the OOTS discussion can be found here:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2215.msg13798#msg13798...

There may have been followup discussions to that original thread. Dyess is apparently no longer participating in this forum, but perhaps others have had some experience with these sorts of offerings.

[gongfy]

Thanks Woodsgnome, fortunately I have found a great therapist.  I do have to travel a bit to get there - but so worth it!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Not having many friends feeds my 'I'm not good enough'
To be honest I'm sick of trying

[gongfy]

I hear you Boatsetsailrose

[Boatsetsailrose]

Someone at my Aa meeting tonight have me a bag of chillies he had grown - and then another guy gave me a bunch of green beans he had grown ... I felt really touched