Well, here I am.

[moony]

I am a 29 year old female living in the Midwestern US. I have been suffering from anxiety/panic attacks, depression and "abandonment issues" since childhood, but have only recently sought professional help. For years, I lived in denial of my traumatic childhood and kept myself distracted. After dropping out of college, cutting ties with my toxic relatives, and getting out of an unhealthy relationship, I finally started to see things more clearly.

I am happy to say that now, I am on a path of self-knowledge and healing, and for the first time I feel that there is real hope for me to someday live a normal life... 'Normal' is a relative term of course, I simply want to live without the ripples from my past traumas impacting my present and future. I'm not really "normal" and don't strive to be otherwise  I'm learning to appreciate myself more and more for who I am, and it's pretty great.

How I came to this forum might be similar to some of the other stories here. A therapist recently suggested that my childhood traumas might have resulted in PTSD, so I decided to research the topic further. When I found information about Complex PTSD, I was surprised nobody had suggested it to me before, because I have many of the symptoms, and my personal history having been an only child in an alcoholic home and having been abandoned by a parent are self-explanatory as far as risk factors go. Unfortunately, I was also bullied and physically abused by other children, so my childhood really was filled with uncertainty and fear both at home and at school. I was always shy and introverted, and kept much of what I was feeling bottled up, something I still struggle with as an adult. It has taken much work for me to learn to be open with others, to trust them enough to be direct not only about my past, but about my current feelings and needs. I am hopeful that the more I do these things, the easier they seem to become...

I have had a hard time with the negativity I seem to get from others when I admit that I have limited contact with my parents.  It hurts being told that I am selfish for trying to heal my injury or for not tolerating my parents' abuses, but I understand that there is a lack of understanding in our society when it comes to dysfunctional families, abuse and neglect, addiction, etc. - this is something I hope will change as people like myself become more open about their experiences.

Healing is a process that takes time and care. I have been working with the DBT Skills Workbook and meditation on my own, which have helped a lot.

I will soon be forced to find a new therapist, as mine is leaving my healthcare network. I am really trying to be positive about this, though honestly this is my third therapist I have had and has been by far the best for me...so I am nervous about losing her, and really hope I can find a good fit with a new one.

Thus far I only have a diagnosis of "mood disorder, not specified", which seems to be the equivalent of saying, " I dunno". A couple years ago I went for the first (and likely last) time to inpatient care after threatening suicide. I didn't intend to kill myself, but I was having a very hard time and thought maybe hospitalization would help me out of that mess. I was wrong about that, but in the process of going through it I learned the valuable lesson of radical self reliance and believing in oneself... a much needed reminder which I guess was very helpful.

I was given no formal diagnosis in the hospital, but they had me on Citalopram (Celexa) which is an SSRI. It caused me to have both manic symptoms in the first week, and depressive, suicidal feelings later. It also caused tightness in my leg muscles, constipation, low sex drive, and at times a blank, void feeling. I got off Celexa after about 3 months. I stayed away from meds for months afterward, having been a bit freaked out by the experience. Last year, I was prescribed Buspirone (Buspar) for anxiety, but I can't say it helps me avoid becoming upset if I am triggered. I am not sure if my panic attacks are really symptomatic of a pre-existing anxiety or panic disorder, or if this is merely the result of complex PTSD.

I still have a lot to uncover and learn. Here's to learning more stuff to help myself improve... I feel very much that my biggest resource is myself. I have thus far not found anyone in the medical realm that seems to be able to find effective medication for me, and I know having a proper diagnosis would help this immensely. Then again, perhaps medication is less important than effective therapy and coping strategies.

I am hopeful that I will continue to learn and figure things out.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, moony! 

[Three Roses]

Welcome! We're glad you're here. 

Pete-walker.com is an excellent resource. His book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" is regarded by many here as our go-to resource. Also, I've found Bessel Van Der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps The Score" particularly informative, explaining everything from why CPTSD isn't in the current DSM, to the workings of the brain and how trauma changes it, to different forms of therapy. (This book is available in its entirety on YouTube, for free.)

Again, welcome and hope you enjoy the forum.

[moony]

Hey, thanks for the warm welcomes. Pleased to meet ya, mourningdove & Three Roses.

I am especially grateful for any and all recommendations as far as reading and research go, so thank you Three Roses! I will be checking these out today.

I have found that practicing gratitude as often as possible is a great way to stay present. Today I am grateful for my cat, who is very affectionate and playful. She always makes me laugh and feel comforted. 

[mourningdove]

 

Cuteness overload!

[Kizzie]

Oh so cute!    Just wanted to say welcome to OOTS moony 

When I found information about Complex PTSD, I was surprised nobody had suggested it to me before, because I have many of the symptoms

CPTSD is just becoming known in the T and larger professional community so many of us arrive here misdiagnosed or self-diagnosed.  Part of the reason we're here is to hopefully spread the word that there are (unfortunately) many, many of us in need of trauma informed care and services.

So, you are in good company - glad you found your way here 

[moony]

Thanks Kizzie. I am really glad I found this place, too!

I have been reading Pete Walker's book and it has been helping me understand things about my life, challenges and strengths. Thanks again Three Roses for the recommendation.