How are you all going?

[Contessa]

Hi Everyone.

Been checking in but overall commenting less as more and more focus is shifting toward work/social interactions as part of recovery.

This may seem like a redundant question given the variety of posts, but wanted to see how others are going as they progress through the different stages of recovery.

I've noticed a general progression toward greater calm and focus toward tasks of academic research, relaxation and creative pursuits which is utterly strange considering the norm has not been that for six years. This is accomanied by music no longer being a trigger - over the past week i've been listening to several albums a day while I potter about at home, and loving it with abandon. Never thought that would ever be again.

So how are you all going overall?

[Three Roses]

That's great news! Me, I'm still trying to muster the motivation to find a therapist. Stuck in ef's frequently. Thanks for asking!

[movementforthebetter]

Pretty well tonight, thanks for asking.

Had my 2nd EMDR therapy today and it was a fairly calm session and I left feeling good after it. I feel like the pieces of me I always thought were broken are starting to fit together in a new way that's starting to look whole. I know there will be setbacks but it was nice to have today to know what is possible.

I felt grateful for my journey today for the first time. That might actually be a really big deal. Forgot to mention it to my T, will do so tomorrow.

[Contessa]

Good to hear you're both going well.

Still on my journey as everyone is, but feeling good overall. Had another lovely day today, looking forward to the coming week. I hope amongst all the sadness and setbacks that everyone has something positive to look forward to as well.

[Kizzie]

Lovely to hear you are doing well Contessa, helps us all to hear about positive progress.  I too have found that as I recover I have just much more energy and internal space to turn toward work, etc.  The CPTSD doesn't dominate my day nearly as much as it did .  Shaking those ghosts free!

[sanmagic7]

thanks for asking.  i'm still recovering from a major ef that happened in jan.  having up and down days, am doing lots of funerals for things i'm discovering nearly daily that i need to grieve.  those are really going well.  and, in the midst of all this, my creativity, which i would have thought would be put on hold, is actually greater than it ever has been.  i write, have just finished my first novel, have started a second, am in the midst of doing a short story - it's like i can't stop writing!  i'm journaling and also belong to a couple of discussion forums.  like some kind of floodgates opened up, and the words keep pouring out.  fascinating to me how this is happening.  but, i see it as a good thing, so i'll stay with it.

[gongfy]

Today was my 5th visit with my therapist using Lifespan Integration Therapy [http://lifespanintegration.com/what-is-lifespan-integration/].  I finally, today, felt like I got somewhere.  After 30 years of cognitive behavioral therapy and other types of "talk therapy" - I thought I had resolved many of my past issues.  However, I still continued to get "triggered" particularly when I went through a severe workplace bullying episode.  It really shook me to the core.  Even though I have somewhat recovered from that, the residual anxiety is still with me.  Processing emotions is so delayed - sometimes I don't even realize what I am feeling until several days later.  It's like moving through water.

Well today, during the session, I was able to pull up a feeling from a situation and track it back.  I also noticed that my timeline is becoming more coherent - I am remembering things more clearly and they are more ordered.   When I left the session today - I had that feeling you get after you have a good, long cry.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I hope this continues.  I think it's helping.  I will be back in a stress producing setting in the not too distant future - so we shall see.

[Contessa]

These are fantastic stories to read guys, than you!

Gongfy, yes. Coherence, memory... Kizzie the enegery and internal space... Sanmagic the floodgates... all new again. Well done completing a novel by the way Sanmagic, such an immense achievement.

I will be back in a stress producing setting in the not too distant future - so we shall see

You and me both Gongfy, that will be the true test. Already got a reminder over the last couple of days and felt the anxiety a little... we will see.

[gongfy]

Good luck Contessa!

[sanmagic7]

this has sounded so positive on here from everyone.  even myself. as i read over what everyone had to say, i just felt so glad so many of you are doing well, dealing with life as it comes along. 

unfortunately, i've had a major setback since i last wrote.  about a month ago, a doctor poisoned me - he gave me meds to take that turned out not to be for what was going on with me, they were extremely strong, i was supposed to take them for 10 days, but after 5 i was already experiencing diarrhea, and decided to do some research on this drug.  that's when i found out that diarrhea can be a side effect, and i stopped taking it immediately.  but, this was a type of med that continued to work in the body even after it was stopped, and the diarrhea lasted for about 3 1/2 weeks, daily.  besides that, i got some lab work done (in my research i discovered that this drug was extremely hard on the liver, and that the patient should have lab tests done both before it is administered, and during the time it's taken.  this doc did neither) and found out that i had a kidney infection and possibly my liver had gotten infected as well.  so, antibiotics for a week.

part of my c-ptsd problems have been physical, and one of those has been muscle aches in my lower back.  i've been seeing a pressure point massage therapist to help rid my muscles of toxins, emotions, etc. that i've stored there for years.  we'd been making progress until this happened.  now, the entire middle of my back is paining me terribly because of what had happened to my innards for nearly a month.  i got it worked on mon. eve, she got the knots out that were part of the problem, but now i'm working with nerve pain due to inflammation caused by the infection and constantly running to the john all those days.  i can barely walk, and what's almost worse to me is that i have no energy, no mental capacity to continue writing right now!  i can't concentrate for the pain.  it p*sses me off no end, and i just want to cry and beat the bed and string that friggin' doc (he's not even a real doctor.  in our little town, we get those who do their internship with little to no supervision.  and most of them think they're god.  arrogant pukes!) up by his thumbs!

so, i wish i could have added that i'm still doing wonderfully, but the truth is that this has set me back worse than ever.  i do everything i know how to ease the pain (actually, it's the inflammation that's causing the problem, and my system produces an overabundance of inflammation in response to any kind of stress), so i'm concentrating on several techniques geared toward lowering the amount of inflammation, but it's a vicious cycle - the pain is stressful which means my system produces inflammation which, in turn, causes more pain, etc.  so weary . . .this is really bringing me down.

[Three Roses]

I am so sorry to hear what happened, sanmagic! "Up by his thumbs!" for sure!

It's amazing to me what "doctors" do, sometimes. Ugh.

[Kizzie]

   and    and      So sorry to hear what you're going through right now Sanmagic .

FWIW I say go right ahead and beat up the bed or a pillow and get those feelings out    I have done so a few times in the last few weeks as I recover from surgery and have those inevitable bad days.  I let myself cry or yell because it is hard, it does suck and too often those of us with CPTSD have just had to endure difficult times, stuffing our feelings so if/when we do just let ourselves feel and react though, we are making progress in recovery.

Hope you feel better soon 

[Contessa]

Good grief Sanmagic, what a nasty setback.

Intern with no supervision?? Defeats the purpose of an internship.

Sending you good vibes for a full recovery.

[gongfy]

So sorry to hear that Sanmagic   Hoping for better days soon.  Nothing worse than have a quack doctor set you back!

[sanmagic7]

thanks for all your good wishes, everyone!  i have definitely beaten my bed and yelled quite a few juicy cusswords in his direction!  felt so good.  as i sit here typing, i've got ice on my back, but i am beginning to feel better.  that jerk will get his somewhere down the line!  arrogant pr**k!!!  i lost more than a month of recovery because of this.  for what it's worth, always research any new meds before you take them.  this wasn't the first time this guy had treated me, but i never liked him.  wish i would've trusted my gut (lol!!!) on this, but i was careless.  not that i'm blaming myself, but this isn't the first time i've gotten stung in a bad way with meds (including w/ a shrink who categorically denied that what was going on with me was NOT due to the new med she'd given me.  the result was a fall in which i broke my wrist and smashed 2 vertebrae together, and ended up in an emergency room cuz i couldn't trust my legs (i ended up using a cane and a walker for several months)  as soon as i took myself off that med, my legs went back to normal.  sometimes i'm slow, but i eventually learn.  this time did it for me.  nothing new will be ingested by me without some research first.

thank you all again.  that positive energy from you is healing in its own right.