Money - triggers

[LookInside]

I guess I am having a set back. I had a bender after a year of sobriety and then re-entered therapy recently, got honest, started doing my EMDR again, and a lot of my grieving after loosing my family settled in again.

My partner, has been financially supporting me as I quit my job while going through withdrawal, grieving, panic attacks, etc. We just bought a house in a different state, and can't make any big purchases while waiting for the closing date on the house, as they are watching his finances closely.

I told my therapist of 2+ years this week that I couldn't see her twice this week, and she was pretty aggressive about me needing to go in a second time (after missing many sessions and being drunk, etc). It was understandable and once I did some EMDR and came home yesterday, I really couldn't hold myself together. My pain became really raw and surfaced. It still hurts today a lot. Everyday is really hard lately.

But in the midst of my crying last night, another therapist who runs a Survivers of Childhood Sexual Abuse group, called me, and I would love to do her group and she gave me a really good deal on it because I told her our struggle to pay for therapy in the first place.

My partner said he needed time to think about weather or not he wanted to pay for me to do a group (it was a really small amount of money considering what we usually pay for), and I could tell he was already struggling to pay for my therapy without me working.  I have been working up until this week, and it's my responsibility to pay for these things, but money can be a really touchy issue with me.

I'm forever grateful for any times that my partner has helped me financially, emotionally, and otherwise, but once I realized that he was passively communicating to me that he couldn't pay for therapy, I flipped a lid.

I started acting out, cancelled all of my sessions with my long term therapist up until we leave even (this is a very painful relationship to end), told the other lady I couldn't do the group (no biggie, I'm dealing with too much anyway), but I even cancelled a camping trip I had planned while he leaves the country to save money. He doesn't know that yet. I also started selling a bunch of my stuff online because I just don't know what else to do right now. It's kind of hard to work a job when you are moving in a month, and not to mention all of things coming up right now.

I feel so guilty, but I also feel like almost debilitated with anxiety. Using my inhaler constantly, taking more anxiety medication, I am nervous about moving, commitment, and I want to hate my boyfriend so bad but I can't. He never even told me not to go to therapy. Why is this such a big deal in my mind?

My father used to use money as an unhealthy tool to lure me in, and I am in a state of grievance from him at this time. Mayne that is causing some triggers? My family always provided me with money, lol so maybe I am being spoiled, but you know, nothing else. My mom was a narcissist, my father a rage-aholic, and I was molested and beaten and psychologically tortured by them my whole life until I completely estranged myself. Money was the only thing they ever really were able to provide me.

I finally have a safe, trusting relationship but am in a time of need with finances because of my anxieties and depression. I need a break, but I don't want to act like a spoiled brat. I want to be grateful and work peacefully with him. It seems as though my pain is taking over and I have just been acting out. I think I have calmed a bit now, but looking back, it kind of sucks that I am at all of these losses from acting out...

Does anyone identify with these feelings, urges, actions?

[Three Roses]

Money has always been a huge trigger for me, too. It takes a lot of looking mindfully at the trigger for me to overcome it. Learning about codependency really helped me have healthier reactions to things outside my control.

[movementforthebetter]

Does anyone identify with these feelings, urges, actions?

I do.

I am so sorry to hear abour your sobriety lapse. That is definitely a setback, and it sounds like you recognize it and were back on the right path, which can't have been easy for you. I hope you recognize the tremendous amount of strength you have inside yourself.

I identify with so much of what you wrote. I am a survivor of the abuse hat trick myself, and have serious issues with abandonment and lack of control. I also grew up poor so have major money issues that have gotten better over time but I still struggle. My bf is currently the only earner while I am living off benefits. He covers more expenses and I feel incredibly guilty because I want to leave our relationship as soon as I am able.

I also act out because of my unhappiness and unresolved issues. I have gotten disgustingly drunk without him several times (and he held my hair when I got home, so I felt even worse), gone through several years of disordered eating, and had 2 affairs. All because I lacked the confidence or financial security at the same time to leave him. I know all of these things would be horribly hurtful to him but he doesn't know about anything but the drunkenness. I was literally trying to self destruct due to unspoken words, shame and fear.


Was the lapse and your current state related to your impending move, your reliance on your husband for support, or both and more?

To me, being unable to support myself is quite triggering, and I took my job loss very hard. I always try to even the balance sheet and not be a burden, but it is an unreasonable pressure on oneself within a marriage (I am common law). Sometimes one partner must support the other, because each has times of need. But I found that I resent supporting my partner because I did not feel supported myself. I encourage him to do anything that advances his career and do whatever it took to look after us but didn't feel that support was returned. This did lead to me spending money on myself in frivolous ways which was self-destructive again.

I would also find the passivity extremely triggering, as my bf does not communicate very well. It could be that your husband has not wanted a confrontation out of consideration for your state, or there could be shades of trying to control you through money. I don't have enough info to guess. But is the passivity worse for you than a confrontation about money?

Would you give up EMDR in favour of the group for now? Does he know your feelings?

I also identify with selling things as a grasp at regaining self-sufficiency. It's not a bad thing, since you are moving, so long as you are not selling things you need or cherish. I've taken pics of a bunch of things I plan to sell and will post an add this week. It feels good to contribute or at least have some tasks to focus on.

I also identify with the slash and burn approach to self destruction. I'm a photographer and once when a bf complained we couldn't afford developing I threw all my undeveloped film in the garbage. Such drama. 

Was your therapist agressive with you, or just assertive? I think that distinction matters to your recovery because you already left therapy once, so I am wondering if you feel totally safe there?

Long post with lots of questions. You don't need to answer if you don't want. I hope my perspective can be of some help or comfort. Stay gentle with yourself.