Checking IN / First time

[Amnesia71]

Hello,

I have no memory of what I understand was horrific, painful, torturous physical and psychological abuse between the ages of 1 and 6. I remember very inappropriate conversations and closeness with the primary perpetrator, my step grandfather. I have a flash memory of seeing other people naked, several in one room. I remember waking up crying, and I was often paralyzed by fear as a child. I am aware of False Memory Syndrome and am confident within my own mind and with what others in my family have reported, that I am a victim of Satanic Ritual Abuse.

I was a bright, but unusually frightened child with a 'chanting' in my mind whenever I felt someone was mad or I was in trouble. I always felt that I was 'bad' inside, and panicked when I was not the teacher's favorite student. I over-reacted to any kind of pain, to the point my parents (who were ignorant as I was) gave up on believing me. Raised by over-zealous Mormons, I was isolated from pop culture and shamed often for my behavior, as I did not fit the mold my parents were casting.

I was hospitalized at age 15, where I was further shamed and discredited. With no knowledge I was abused, there was little the doctors or my parents could go on. I put a lot of effort into describing my symptoms, and over time this led to a lack of trust in therapy. The sense of not being believed has always been strong, so one of my most difficult symptoms today is obsessive rumination. I re-live all stressful conversations (changing what I could have said), and I can't stop going back in time to the hospitalization and telling everyone it really wasn't "my fault" after all.

I'm joining this forum in the hopes I will take the time to learn something from it. Grandpa was a teacher, starting with grade school and then becoming a principal at middle and high schools. I assume this is why I feel oppositional when learning new things. Progress has been excruciatingly slow throughout my life, but after being unable to work (fear of bosses) in my early 20's, I found low paying jobs I could emotionally handle, and people who were patient in teaching me. I worked 10 years in radio as a traffic reporter.

I have been seeing a cognitive behaviorist for 4 years, mostly out of duty as I contracted Interstitial Cystitis and other auto-immune conditions from a single infection 9 years ago. With my physical health declining to the point I filed for (and won) Social Security Disability Income, I thought I had to be seeing someone. The pain of IC is visceral and very hard to endure without dissociating and panicking, especially due to the medications. Ultimately the therapy wasn't working, and I felt invalidated as the therapist doesn't 'believe' in 'dissociation.' Her parting words included "I believe you", so that was nice.

I have never suffered multiple-personalities to the degree that I'm 'losing time.' I have never named 'alters' or separated them beyond a 'me' and 'irrational child I have to babysit'. I don't 'switch,' and I'm careful to take responsibility for my illness instead of using it as an excuse. I don't have anger outbursts. Instead, I live with a debilitating fear of anger, including my own. I have tried to fake anger when I was scared of someone else's anger. But the fear / anxiety is always the real problem.

Flashbacks have become more of an issue of late, but they are all merely a second or two in length. I live in fear of whatever healing process my brain is going to go through as my life has settled into a happy marriage and lower stress. I've often considered joining one of these boards, as I was helped quite a bit by boards set up for Paxil Addiction and Interstitial Cystitis.

Nice to meet you....
Tara

[Three Roses]

Welcome! We're glad you're here.

I also have a problem with "being taught", it seems to trigger something defensive in me. So, I think of research that I do here more as "shopping" for information, which gives me the feeling that I'm free to choose what's appropriate for me and leave the rest.

People don't want to believe that satanic ritual abuse exists; the fact is, it does. I'm so sorry that it happened to you, but if you say it did, I believe you.

In your "shopping" for info here, we've got an awesome Resource section. Also (cue everyone to roll their eyes here, 'cuz I talk too much about this), there's a book called "The Body Keeps The Score" ( https://youtu.be/Q9Nlrtq4mi4 ) ... it is really informative, and is on YouTube to listen to, free. (It will explain to you why your CBT didn't work.)

Anyway, welcome! 

[Amnesia71]

Thank you so much. I have enough time to force myself to listen to "The Body Keeps Score." It sounds like it will absolutely apply to my situation. I have random stabbing pains that have been an issue since the infection did damage to my nervous system, but I've been reluctant to admit to my doctors that they were a problem before. Mostly in my fingers and privates.

My niece reports my brother ritually abused her. She is now 23 and has legally changed her name to hide from him. My sister also claims he used date rape drugs and ritually abused her as an adult. A younger brother reports the same. People have moved from state to state to avoid my brother.  I do not live in fear of this brother or feel grief for the two little girls I hear he has now. I remind myself the world is full of horrible people, and someone is abusing animals or children every minute of every day. I never met his current wife and children. Never will.

I haven't been able to read other posts on this board, yet. But it's time to just allow the triggering to happen and learn what I can from it without losing control. My parents are aging and becoming more needy, which flashes me back to how powerless and ignorant they were when I needed them in the 70's. It was my grandpa who orchestrated those emotions, though. I have to remember my parents, even as adults, were also victims. I need to be strong enough to be there for them as they age without looking for 'revenge' opportunities.

Thank you so much for the response, Three Roses. Are you an administrator on this site?

Tara

[Three Roses]

Amnesia - nope, not admin, just a moderator. Admin is kizzie, who's recovering from knee surgery and limited in the time she can spend online at the moment.

Definitely ask questions as you become more accustomed to the idea you may have cptsd.

Best wishes!  - Three Roses

[Amnesia71]

I'm still here. I've known I have complex PTSD for years. This type of abuse causes that. But I don't lose time, and for that I am grateful.

I have a relatively new problem, however: 

Interstitial Cystitis means I'm allergic to all forms of alcohol. In social situations, this year I've been using edible marijuana instead. I am very, very sensitive to all medications so I only do small doses. The same goes for smoking it.

In the past, I have had problems with losing my self edit while on any kind of narcotic. I'm the frightened 3 year old, talking constantly to everyone with absolutely no filter. But this year I am feeling the 'switch' with a lot more clarity. I'm coming to realizations about how I thought as a kid, during the abuse and otherwise. I guess I'm trying to say I switch MORE, and this frightens me and makes me paranoid about my outside behavior. I start trying to explain what's wrong with me to random people, as if I truly believe they can see inside my head.

Is this familiar to anyone? I'm trying harder to control this (often by not doing it in the first place). But there has been some good coming from it as well, as I have been able to actually get through to that 'other' part of me, explaining the reality of the situation from an adult perspective, as if speaking to a child. Seems to be getting through for the first time, and I have been less anxious about making and keeping friendships with people I would normally have been terrified of in the past.

So scary, but it is what it is.

[Wife#2]

Tara,

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I just wanted to welcome you as well, and to let you know you've been heard. I do believe you. I understand the small, flash memories. My story is so tame compared to most here, I often feel like an exaggerator for being here. Yet, I will remain to be a cyber-shoulder if nothing else.

What you have survived, I can't even begin to comprehend. Your journey will be your own, but thank you for coming here and being willing to share even a part of it with us. It, your story, is safe here.

Welcome! We are glad you had the courage to post with us.

[theaquarist]

Hi there A,

Going  through what you've shared of your story, I see similarities between us. I want to say that I'm so happy you are opening the door to healing and that you have taken a chance to share what it is like.
Having those flashbacks sounds really difficult, but I applaud you for getting through each and every experience you have, to this day. I believe you , and I believe in you.
I was raised in a cult as well, and my awareness kicked in as a kid. It is not something kids ought to go through. But you did, and I did, and I'm so happy to encounter your story at this time in both our lives.
Keep going, be gentle to yourself, know that you are already very, very strong for how far you've come.

I look forward to seeing you around here. You can do this.