Why?

[gongfy]

Here is my wondering.  Coming to this diagnosis of CPTSD has been a journey of about 30 years now - 30 years of therapy, self-help groups, workshops, and an entire library of books.

I will say I have made some huge gains in my ability to be functional.  My parenting improved (Thank God!).  I hopefully have not passed on the family curse of dysfunction and abuse.  I am watching my son and daughter in law raise my 9 month old grandson and am awed at what terrific parents they are. 

My ability to provide for myself financially has improved considerably.  I have a career that I love, doing work that I find worthy and fulfilling.

I am married to a wonderful man who is supportive and kind.

I am tremendously grateful for these things.

However, my ability to manage friendships, relationships with people I work with, and stress, have deteriorated.  My life has become much more narrow and isolated.  That is my wondering.  Why is this area of my life so much worse than before?

This is affecting my health, and is now beginning to affect my marriage and my workplace.   

[Three Roses]

However, my ability to manage friendships, relationships with people I work with, and stress, have deteriorated.  My life has become much more narrow and isolated.  That is my wondering.  Why is this area of my life so much worse than before?

I wish I had an answer for you, but this is the same thing I'm struggling with. 

[gongfy]

Thanks Three Roses - just knowing I am not alone helps a bit. 

[Wife#2]

Could it be that someone or something at work is triggering and you just need a 'booster' of therapy to get you past the hiccup?

Also, could it be that there is some part of you unwilling to let the guard down - waiting for the other shoe to drop, if you will?

I know this latter is a situation my husband faces often. It's so hard for him to relax and enjoy when things are going well. He's always dreading that something will come along and ruin it. Sometimes, he's able to cope beautifully - and we have some fun during those times. Other times, he's a bear who seems to take all the fun out of everything. And it isn't that he WANTS to be a killjoy, it's that he has such a hard time trusting that the good times will last long enough for him to relax.

Knowing the specific causes of his c-PTSD, verified by his oldest brother and now by a childhood friend of his and his brutal brother, I understand why he just can't seem to relax! Relaxing was exactly what brutal brother wanted, THAT's when he would pounce. So, I try to roll with it and understand. Sometimes it is very hard, remembering that if H had had a different childhood, he would be having fun right now, not cursing the cloud he can barely see at the horizon that to me looks like it's going a different direction.

I suggested the therapy booster because you said it's affecting your work and that you LOVE your work. There's a disconnect there, so something is happening to make you feel unusually stressed or anxious.

Best of luck getting to the root of the problem and getting it back where you can cope easily! I'm so sorry that work and home are feeling the effects.

[arpy1]

you've done a lot of work by the sounds of it, gongfy, and come a really long way. which i can respect as i know how hard it is. 
fwiw, i wondered if maybe the relatively high level of functionality that you have achieved is actually making you tired at present and thus less able to cope with extra stuff?     which in my experience can lead to feeling frustrated, and guilty, and wanting to isolate and not have to cope with stuff that i don't immediately have to.  that's not such bad thing imo, more a self-protective instinct that i should listen to? maybe you could take some time off and just have some 'cave-time', do something nice for yourself or something? that could help forgive yourself for feeling struggly just now, and be a well earned reward  for the huge amount of progress you've made?
however, two things that also strike me:

i remembered the old image of the layers of the onion, and wondered if recently another area has begun to emerge in your life that is causing you to feel pain and stressed, but without really realising it.  that can make you feel overwhelmed and flashbacky and have an effect on the other things in your life that you've made so much progress in.   in which case, maybe this is a positive rather than a negative thing, and it's a matter of letting things percolate in your soul till you see what the new 'layer' is about and you can get a handle on it.

the other thing that occurred to me is whether the diagnosis of cptsd is a recent thing for you?  that in itself , just the discovery of it, and the combination  of validation and shock that resulted for me was very triggering, even if it was a positive thing for me.  even, after a 18 months, i still get those awful 'and the penny finally drops' moments where i see something else that i never saw about what happened to me. and then i get the shock/validation/triggering of pain that goes with it, yet again. 

whatever it is that's causing you to feel like this, much support as you work it out. you're not on your own.   

[gongfy]

Thanks wife#2 and arpy1.  And yes wife#2 - ultimately some things at work have eventually been a part of the trigger.  Without going into a long winded explanation, I suffered at the hands of a psychopathic bully in the workplace for about 3 years.  Talk about triggering!  And yes arpy1 - it is a recent diagnosis - 2 weeks ago as a matter of fact.  It is also a "layer of an onion thing."  The bullying situation forced me into therapy - this is the 2nd time now.  Although the bullying has stopped, the repercussions have not.  It brought up lots of old stuff.  On top of this, I had to go NC with my FOO because as I became more and more healthy and set boundaries - they ran right over the top of them.  Then they kept stalking me - more wood for the fire.

Also, my new therapist is using a type of therapy that has me create a timeline of my life and I am listing memories.  The "onion part" is when I started doing this and looking at everything I had been through, I think it started pushing through some membrane of denial on my part. 

I think what it all boils down to is that while I have "talked through" so much of this and have dealt with it on a verbal, cognitive level (e.g. in cognitive therapy) - there is a part of me that has not dealt with it on a feeling level, and it comes leaking out in other ways.  It has become increasingly more difficult to manage my anger, stress, and is resulting in migraines, insomnia, difficulty managing my moods.  Oh - and my husband almost died last year from a heart attack.  Too many triggers.  My rigid sense of control is falling apart, and it is an icky feeling.

[sanmagic7]

may i suggest that perhaps you're getting healthier?  getting to a point in your recovery where you are seeing things differently than before?  that maybe what you're seeing is more realistic than an 'everything is fine now' perspective?  that would certainly crumble your sense of control.

and, dealing with knowing that you are surviving c-ptsd can be extremely stressful in itself.  knowing what the beast is called makes it more real, which also makes it something to be dealt with, which also means coming out of denial.  when i finally learned that i'm in the middle of c-ptsd, while it afforded me some sense of relief to know it, it also opened so many more doors to explore.

strangely enough, many years ago i was researching the effects of long-term chronic stress and found the term c-ptsd for the first time, and it was connected with bullying in the office place.  as these layers of onion get peeled away, our perceptions, viewpoints, perspectives change.  it can definitely feel like we're losing our longtime sense of control.  thank you for posting.   this is a journey of many steps, some of which feel backward, but all part of the process of healing.