Breaking out of the socially anxious mold

[samantha19]

Since primary school I've had this strange belief that my personality can't just be adaptable. Like to get over social anxiety I would have to reinvent myself overnight going into a completely new environment, or something.
Anyone else get this?
It's like, I'm known as the quiet girl who doesn't say a word most of the time and I feel I can't just break out of this mould. It makes me feel way more self consious because it feels way more noticeable because of my previous, long term silence.
And people totally point it out. Like if I talk it's like "wow you actually speak" or something, and they're joking not intentionally being unkind (I don't think) it just proves how noticeable it is to others.
I also feel like people may think I'm rude or don't like them because of social anxiety, this is a constant fear of mines. So that adds to my consistency with it, like if I talk to this person and be bubbly and me then this other person might be like what the frick why does she not interact with me like that or something. Because there are people who try to be my friend and I freeze up and break it off a lot of the time, through repetitive avoidance and quietness.
I don't know how people can make effort with me, tbh, but maybe they just understand more than I realise sometimes.
Anyway, I'm scared to break the mold and just suddenly be sociable. Wondering if anyone feels or has felt the same or knows how to deal with this ??
Because I can't live my life enclosed in silence forever, it's a v v boring way to live. Sigh.
Like it's even little things like I never say morning in the morning at work unless someone says it to me first and I feel I'd like to try that as a small step in my recovery but even that feels so noticeably out of character and different for me!
I also feel like is it possible to try and make friends with people who you have clearly acted uninterested in for months again, or is that just strange / unviable and judgements will already have been made. Yano? Like I've had my chance, and it's not so acceptable feeling to roll up and say "ya sorry I'm severely mentally ill but if we could just kick off from a time I was more stable please, hi, let's be friends :-)"
Ugh, normal life things shouldn't be this hard. Honestly. But hey ho that's living with trauma for ya.

[Dutch Uncle]

Since primary school I've had this strange belief that my personality can't just be adaptable. Like to get over social anxiety I would have to reinvent myself overnight going into a completely new environment, or something.
Anyone else get this?

Yes. The 'trick' is that you don't have to reinvent yourself overnight. It will happen slowly.

I used to be very shy. Withdrawn.
During high-school I was a 'wallflower'. I still remember well that at one of the first parties I went to I set there all night not moving at all. I think I didn't even speak to anybody.

I don't even know how I ditched that trait. But I did change.
Yesterday somebody even said to me I wasn't my "usual outgoing self". I took that as a compliment.

You have just moved out, which is probably both scary and a relief. You are in a completely new environment, and things will change. For me the change from being shy to "outgoing" (what a beautiful English term by the way. I love it) started to happen in a similar period, and probably at a similar age. When I moved out of my parents house I was still shy, and the students with whom I lived jokingly called me "Silent Bob" at times. Another phrase used was "he doesn't say much, but when he speaks it's something sensible". "Silent waters have deep grounds" was another one.
I guess I could say I had social anxiety as well.
Somehow that changed though. I think the only conscious effort I made was to simply engage when I felt the need, even if I was scared. Eventually I got to learn more and more people who liked me. And by doing so I did get to know what people actually liked in me. And thus discovered I was actually likable. I can't remember I tried to please or do or say things I saw others do. I was still being myself. Somehow I just started to open up. Bit by bit.

Like it's even little things like I never say morning in the morning at work unless someone says it to me first and I feel I'd like to try that as a small step in my recovery but even that feels so noticeably out of character and different for me!

Yeah, I can relate. Do you like it when others say "Good Morning" to you? This is something I have done: starting to do things to others that I like when it's being done to me.

I also feel like is it possible to try and make friends with people who you have clearly acted uninterested in for months again, or is that just strange / unviable and judgements will already have been made.

In my experience a lot of people do this.To me as well. And in general people don't care that much if you show up interested again after a long period. And in case they are not interested anymore: oh well, you tried. There's only one way to find out, after all.

[woodsgnome]

Samantha19 wrote "...I'm scared to break the mold and just suddenly be sociable. Wondering if anyone feels or has felt the same or knows how to deal with this ??"

I have a very recent (as in last 3 days) example. As always, I hesitate to post about it, as part of me always seems to fear I'll be judged for anything I say, but that's a whole different issue, I suppose.

I do occasional consultant-type work for an arts organization. A couple years back a certain person's demeanour and bearing towards a project I was involved with set off a terrifying ef/trigger reaction on my part and I had to literally get out of there, away from the person/place/project.

Recently I had occasion to run into that person again, regarding another project, and it seems like I have a better flow with the person that wasn't there before. I don't know the 'why' of this, but I sense it might even be because of personal growth I've absorbed from discussions on this forum. At least I seem more aware of what can go wrong, if that makes sense. And I did indeed, despite what I consider legitimate fears, break the mold, just this once, at least. Another key is that I just relaxed into a kind of 'whatever happens' frame of mind. Hoping this makes at least a little sense?

It doesn't matter, I suppose; I just know that so far, all seemed well enough to commit to further work on the current project; with a person, no less, with whom I thought I could never feel comfortable. But I think in part they know my boundaries better, even if they don't know the reason I freaked out before. Actually there were a few other occasions on which this sort of thing occurred, when my 'freeze' traits took over to the extent I couldn't continue.

I guess I just wanted to mention this as a ray of hope; that at least sometimes one can even surprise themselves. Feels good, so I hope at least in some measure it helps you to know that someone else did it, at least this once (so far). For me, it was like leaping into a fire, but for whatever reason here I am still okay about it, trying not to critique myself to death per usual, but ride with the flow, setting the fear aside, still aware and remembering the previous ef/triggers, but willing to move forward too.

[samantha19]

Thanks for the replies both of you. I remember being comforted by them and I thought I had replied at the time, oops.

To update, I am doing a lot better and getting there - slowly but surely. It's a rewarding process. The people who I had been kind of friends with and drifted from have become closer friends than they were before. Life isn't set in stone after all, of course :-)

I just thought I'd post this here so anyone who reads this and relates knows. It makes sense that life and the brain are malleable and changeable but when I was in a dark place it often felt eternal. But things can and do change. We are happy people underneath all of this pain, I do believe, struggling to get out.

I'm still struggling, but seeing more light is one way to put it.

Thank you again guys, I relate to both messages. Here's to further growth for all of us!

[Contessa]

I really don't have any further wisdom to add than what was said already. This is an enjoyable and comforting thread to read.

Dutch Uncle, love your comment:
"Yesterday somebody even said to me I wasn't my "usual outgoing self". I took that as a compliment."
Just shows even things that can be  perceived as negative might not actually be in effect after all. Reminds me of a saying I used to hear a friend say a lot:
Always take the positive with the negative.

Again, great post