sexual addiction of my narc ex (possible triggers)

[sanmagic7]

just felt like sharing that being married to a misogynistic sex addict took its toll in ways that other addictions didn't.    my very first therapist, although a woman, was also a misogynistic sex addict.  i was involved with both these people at the same time.  during our nearly 20-yr. marriage, we found her and began seeing her for group, individual, and couples counseling.  this combination in my life (i was involved with her on several levels - best friend, client, employee - for 8 yrs.) nearly literally killed me, both physically and emotionally.  he was what is known as an 'intellectual' misogynist, and his sexual addiction took the form of continual masturbation to porn movies.  he wouldn't cheat on me with real women, only 2-dimensional women, but it was nearly a nightly thing.  i found out about it about 10 yrs. into our marriage, he began going to SA meetings once a week, but as soon as i moved out, he stopped going to meetings.  we'd still see each other, communicate regularly after the marriage dissolved, and when i confronted him on this, he told me 'after you left, i thought - what's the point?

well, as i later came to learn, the point was that his addiction went unchecked, and about 3 yrs. ago, i found out from one of my daughters that he was lusting after the two of them, saying inappropriate sexual things to and about them in other peoples' presence.  i had the terribly difficult job of telling my other daughter what was going on, and nearly devastated her with the information.  when i confronted him about it, he denied there was anything wrong, that the 2 things i personally knew about (the first one was when my oldest daughter was 7, and he made inappropriate sexual sounds about her bare legs.  we were seeing that therapist at the time, who said nothing more than 'that's inappropriate' to him.  now that i have been a therapist, the fact that she did no follow up with him on that, no exploration, no further consideration at all for such behavior toward his daughter triggered me something terrible when i thought back to that time.)  meant nothing untoward (2 things in 25 years?  that's bullsh*t! were his words) to be concerned about. 

when i went back to school to become a therapist was when i realized that the therapist we'd been seeing was completely unethical.  that being my first experience with the entire therapy situation, i trusted her and believed everything she said, even when others around me told me that she hated women and was a control freak.  it took me 8 yrs. of mentally and emotionally untangling myself (after i'd broken all my relationships with her) before i was able to go through the process of reporting her to our state board for disciplinary measures.  during the time i worked for/with her, i knew about several sexual escapades in on-the-job locations that she engaged in, and how she took care of one of her former lovers before taking care of a client who had been hurt during a therapeutic exercise.  part of the fallout for me was because of my association with her - i heard some nasty stuff directed at me for working with her.

misogyny may not be an addiction, but, being a woman, it is a horrific experience to go through all on its own.  couple that with sexual addiction, and i am surprised that i am alive today.  truly surprised.  i got out just in time.  it's only been in the past 3 yrs. or so that i learned the extent of the spillover onto my daughters by my ex-hub, and the * began all over again. 

i have finally achieved no contact with my ex narc, and this past jan. was the first anniversary of that (which also included nc with my oldest daughter, also a narc.  both of them together had actually double-teamed me for about 30 yrs.)  the anniversary turned out to be a trigger for a humungous e.f., and i'm still working my way out of it. 

i shared this because i noticed that most of the addiction information listed was about substance abuse, or acoa groups, and i wanted people to know that other addictions can also devastate our worlds in ways not always covered by substance abuse info.  not only was my self-esteem hit, but my very essence as a woman, a sexual partner, and a wife.  and then, with what was going on with my daughters, my sense of being a mom, meant to protect her children from harm,  was also called into question.  i didn't protect them because i couldn't, and i couldn't because i didn't know.  besides, i was also trying to hold my family together in the midst of being abused from 3 sides.  it was overwhelming.  i had 3 breakdowns in 4 yrs. before i fled.

my one word of advice is to trust your gut.  i had suspicions that something was going on, i asked questions, but i believed the answers even when things weren't sitting right.  during the course of my ex attending SA meetings, he had a 'slip'.  we talked about it, and i said 'never again, or you're gone'.  looking back, i can see that was a test that i failed.  this stuff is so insidious, so cunning, so keen, and these people are so good at covering up the truth, deceiving, lying, and peeling your skin away (metaphorically) so slowly and artfully that you don't know you've been harmed until you're raw and have no resources left.  trust your gut.  if it feels wrong, it probably is.  even his recent therapist (a woman), when he told her that i said he was a misogynist, told him that's ridiculous, that after working with him for over a year, she would have known.  he then told me 'i'm a very good liar'.

if you have suspicions of other types of addictions, i'd suggest that you research the signs and symptoms.  the earlier you can get out, the better.  moving forward . . .

[Three Roses]

What a strong woman! And what an awesome tale of survival. Your reminder that addictions can really be anything is much needed. Our society trends to think of addicts and narcissists as easily definable. Truth is, you can't tell by just looking. Trust your gut! Great advice, thank you sanmagic

[radical]

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry.
I also took a "therapist" to the authorities involved - for sexual and psychological abuse.
We must be strong huh?

[sanmagic7]

threeroses and radical, all i can say is thank you (i'm typing through my tears right now out of gratitude for what you both said).  i'm nearing 70, still going through this crap at the point in my life when i should be happily retired and enjoying my 'golden years'.  i thank god every day that i've been able to live long enough to get all these pieces of the picture together, to understand why i couldn't move forward out of what was increasingly an insane situation.  and, although i hate the thought that others are going through heart-wrenching situations because of what has happened to them in their past, i'm also glad that so many of them are younger than me, and have a chance to untangle themselves from all the horrors they've been through, and have a happy rest of their life. 

threeroses, you're absolutely correct when you say that this stuff is not easily definable, does not fit into a 'one-size-fits-all' box, not for the dysfunctions nor for the victims and their recovery.  all of what everyone on this forum has gone through has its own little twists and turns, hidden valleys, shadowy corners.  my family and i looked perfectly normal to the outside world - in fact, we were held up as examples of how others wanted to be!  it's so very true that one never knows what goes on behind closed doors.  and we, ourselves, were very protective of each other, helping to hide the horrors within.  my oldest daughter, the narc, was also mentally ill from a very young age, had dozens of diagnoses, and i felt it was my duty to put up with her abuse because she was 'sick'.  my younger daughter felt the same way as she got older, and they had their own, adult, relationship going on.  i wasn't believed or supported by my younger daughter or their dad re: the abuse i was put through by the eldest.  and, of course, neither girl knew what was happening between their dad and me.  happily, my younger d. is now my ally, has also gone nc with her sister, altho she still retains a relationship w/ her dad, but she has reassured me that she heard what i had to say about him, and has taken precautions.  still, it makes my skin crawl when i know she's visited him.  it's the mom in me.

radical, i can only say i can understand how awful it must've been for you w/ that 'therapist' - and how right you were for putting the word therapist in quotation marks!  those people give therapy such a bad name, and the damage they do is horrific.  i ended up on meds for anxiety and depression after my bout w/ my 'therapist', and was emotionally and psychologically battling the after-effects for many years.  unfortunately, when i did the reporting, their ethics rules of not having dual relationships w/ clients had not yet gone into effect (my experience happened 2 yrs. prior), but they did send someone to investigate, so she knew she had been reported, and wrote back to me that, although they could not do anything in the way of sanctions, she was very definitely in the wrong.  at least i got a form of validation for that, which helped me a lot.

so, thank you both, again, for your kindness, caring, and support.  it is truly appreciated, and has been taken into my heart.  another piece of the healing has been put in place.  big hug to you both.

[LittleBird]

sanmagic7, thank you for sharing this. I've not taken a look at this part of the forum yet and this is the first post I opened here. I feel an undeniable empathetic heartache from reading your story. I was encouraged to hear what you did after leaving - this is so inspiring. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sunrise.  i never thought to inspire, only to educate, learn what to watch out for, and trust yourself.   i think of others as inspiring, but not myself.  i've just never seen myself, i guess, the way others do.  too detached from any sense of self.  well, i guess some of my experiences would help do that.

but, really, thank you for saying that.  maybe, someday, i'll begin to be able to see these kinds of things in myself.  i don't know.  at any rate, keep taking care of you.  we'll get thru this.  big hug.

[LittleBird]

 

This is what I see... You committed to heal the pain of others, which came after personally experiencing depths of suffering. There's no part of you I've seen that takes glory for that. You're doing it for genuine reasons. You explained your story to educate others and encourage them to seek help, not for praise.

When I first challenged abuse, I was terrified of my long overdue anger. I also didn't want to mirror the narcissistic rule I'd lived under; unhealthy praising my behaviour compared to their behaviour.

In my case, abuse came from abused. This seems common. Not becoming abusive was a really important part of escaping what had damaged me. It can be challenging to maintain a balanced perspective, but I try.

I'm gradually recognising the motives behind my own actions and feel positive about who I am for the first time perhaps in my life. It's rewarding and I'm beginning to understand that I deserve to feel that way.

I suppose what I want to say is - I believe your motives are genuine sanmagic7 and I have a lot of respect for that. I understand admiration might not sit comfortably right now. Acknowledging that is respecting what your needs are in this moment - so I promise to say this just the once.

I hope maybe when you feel ready, you can come back to this post and see yourself through the eyes of someone who appreciates the motives behind your actions.

[sanmagic7]

sunrise, i just came back to this today, had kind of forgotten about it.  i don't even remember reading your response at the time.  thank you for your beautiful words.  lovely, really, and resting in my heart.

it's still very difficult for me to feel because of the emotional neglect i experienced as a baby, so i can't actually  'feel' those pos. emotions, but i know, logically, that they're there.  i know that i've been abusive to others in my past, and have worked hard to change that part of me.  hard to admit i was like that, especially to one of my dear friends.  we're no longer in contact, and the way i treated her, i wouldn't doubt had something to do with that.

still, moving forward, i'm more careful about that kind of behavior now, do my best to avoid it. 

i was amazed that i posted this almost 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  wow.  that was a pretty rough year emotionally. 

thank you again.  sending you a warm, loving hug.