Trigger Warnings** Feeling empty

[Sienna]

Hello guys.
Just interested to see if anyone can relate.
I think I'm feeling empty...but I'm not sure how to describe these feelings - i don't understand these feelings- and then i think- well, I'm feeling *nothing!*

Ive felt like this for a long time- possibly forever- but maybe i never noticed.
I know i used to block it out with TV and food.
When narc lady who was a mother figure to me, i felt empty. Restless. Sad. Sad that i couldnt have her as a mother, and i used to feel numb at times, bored and - empty.

Now that she has gone- a while ago...
I don't feel those feelings for her.
I do feel them for my T sometimes.
And sometimes i feel them for other people...but i know that they are my inner childs wants for parents.

This emptiness I'm feeling, is more like, a restlessness.
i know that it might be cortisol and adrenalin still swirling around inside of me.
The emptiness may have been triggered by a rejection lately, and my inner and outer critic going on a rampage.
I still don't feel *right* in myself, and i had huge urges to self destruct, but instead, i took to the internet to try to figure out why i was feeling so bad.
Maybe a lot of cortisol was released, so the tension from the rejection and trigger and from - forever, is lingering.
The refuge has been quite the past few days- everyones been out which has been great for me. I do feel more relaxed, but on my way home from volunteering today, i realise  that i am bored, empty, and I'm not sure if i need connection with others.

Maybe I'm missing the familiarity of narcissistic abuse- or (not missing it) but my body may be at a loss now that I'm having a break at the refuge from people, because all its known since i got there is stress.
Having to hold everything in- and feeling social anxiety too- like fear living at home as a child.

Why do i feel at a loss?
I didnt let out the need i had to self destruct after the trigger the other day that lasted for ages...so maybe its tension that i never released.
I have this strange urge to self harm and to drink, in order to feel something.
And i feel guilty about that.
I have only ever self harmed to stop myself feeling intense emotions- not to stop myself from feeling numb.
When i feel terrible, i would be glad to feel nothing.
So why do i feel this need to feel *alive?*
I have been less numb of late than i have in like, maybe my whole life (as far as i remember)...so..whats wrong with me?

[Sienna]

I think today I'm experiencing derealisation.
And i read too- Pete Walker- about fantasising to avoid the grief and pain of abandonment.
I haven't grieved this. Maybe harming myself is a strong urge - a fantasy- to distract me from unfelt pain. But i don't know how it can come to me to be grieved as I'm so blocked at the moment- for that I'm glad.
What do you guys think? And is there anything you do to feel better?

[Three Roses]

Sometimes I get really, really angry - but because I have a hard time expressing anger, instead what I *feel* is an emptiness or numbness with underlying restlessness.

There was an interesting story on here the other day and it really resonated with me.

Sanmagic said: "here's a story i heard that i've found helpful during these times.  it's called 'the lion or the roar'.  it goes like this:   in the wild, lions hunt in packs.  the male goes to one side, the female goes to the other.  as a herd of animals begins coming toward them, the male, who has the biggest, most fearsome voice, begins roaring.  the animals become scared of this noise, and run away from it.  well, unfortunately, they run in the direction of the female, who is the true hunter and killer.  they run away from the noise which sounds dangerous directly into the real danger."

Our minds are always looking for ways to ensure our survival. Avoiding something painful is understandable, but maybe not always in our best interest?

[felloutofthesky]

Hi Sienna,

I can completely relate. I have felt numb on and off my whole life - when I am not feeling intense emotions haha. I used to self harm both in response to feeling too much (intense emotions) and feeling too little (numb). It's partly your body's defense mechanisms protecting you from intense emotions - and that would especially make sense if you feel you recently were triggered and had built up tension that couldn't be released. That happens to me too. I still feel numb quite often but not as badly as I used to, and I have managed to stop self harming for the most part. I also have a lot of blocked grief/pain that I just don't want to feel or am afraid that it's too much - and sometimes it is. Until you can find a safe space to release it, it's best to find ways to manage it without hurting yourself as much as possible.

The most helpful things to me when I feel numb (or overwhelmed) are to try and shock my body in ways that don't hurt me. Eg:

Taking an ice cold shower or jumping in a cold pool
Holding ice in my hands
Aerial drops (this is quite specific - I do aerial pole and I have learned how to drop from the ceiling to floor without hurting myself and it is a good shock)
Running fast (only if your health permits eg. not in recovery from an eating disorder) When I sprint fast enough, I get what I suppose is a runner's high and it is a good relief / shock.

I hope this helps. You are definitely not alone.

[Sienna]

Thanks Three Roses.
Maybe I'm angry. If so, i can't feel it.
When i am angry and i stuff my anger- i do feel empty and restless.

There was an interesting story on here the other day and it really resonated with me.
And thank you for sharing with me Sanmagic's story.

Its not always in our best interest to avoid. I have been trying not to.

[Sienna]

Hi Felloutofthesky,
thank you so much for your reply- with was just so great, and i do feel understood and less alone.

It is good to hear that someone in the world self harmed for both reasons- to stop pain and also, to stop feeling numb.
It makes sense that it is a defence mechanism protecting me from strong emotions, only, i was confused at why i was fantasising about self harming, when I am doing better than i thought i would be, better in the way that i wanted to be...feeling nothing about what happened.
Maybe ive disassociated it away but maybe its still there under the surface. Maybe the inner critic's poison is still there inside of me.
But- yes, maybe it is a release of tension i need. Thank you for verifying this for me- i do think this is the case.
I have know one apart from my T who i tell stuff to, or offload anything onto...and i only see her once a week. So maybe that need for having someone (even though opening up is so hard for me even if i have someone)....i have supressed, as i had to leave narc x and dump unhealthy friends (who i was never myself with), so now i don't have *anyone*.
And think that everyone needs someone from time to time if they've had a bad day.
So, maybe this need i have to be supported, i have surpassed it, therefore maybe its coming out via wanting to self harm, in order to release tension, as i cant release stuff by telling another person.
God- you are amazing!! Thank you so much!

Yes, I'm sorry you struggle with this too. I didnt think i was as afraid of feeling feelings but i guess i still am afraid to a degree.
Thank you so much for the list of un harmful things that you do that help you.
Areal drops = cool!
And i hope you can continue to not hurt yourself.

I guess i have had lots of different flashbacks acclimating together and now that is passing, I'm only beginning to figure out what was happening.
I saw my T yesterday, walking home and we chatted- not about Therapy worthy stuff, but i felt the need to not hurt myself after seeing her.
I think i have a lot of inner child wants and i don't know how to fill them myself, so perhaps this flashback of late was about that want- and i was so scared to feel that want again, that kept popping up in my life over and over. It felt this time round like some one had died.
Then the inner critic popped up. So it makes sense why i would need to release tension.

Seriously- thank you. You are genius. 

[felloutofthesky]

I'm so glad that was helpful to you, Sienna. It's an awful feeling (or lack of feeling) but at least we are not alone in it.

Everybody definitely needs somebody to talk to. The very worst times and experiences of my life have been when I've been alone - and until the last couple of years, that has always been true. That said, separating yourself from toxic people, including friends, is really important. A lot of my loneliness came from still being entangled with toxic people and having no healthy relationships. So that's great that you did that, and that you have your therapist. And even if it's the internet, you have the people on this forum I always feel better being around people I can trust too

I think the most important thing is to have the will and the want to form healthy relationships and to heal and you sound like you definitely do! So trust that in time, with the help of your therapist and as much as we can help each other online, you will form new healthy relationships. It's easy for people to tell you to meet your own needs but some needs cannot be met by yourself alone, and that is something people who have not suffered neglect or abuse can necessarily understand. There are very big important needs that I could not meet myself and that were not met until I found people I could call family, who are an adopted family of sorts, and I think it is unkind to others and to ourselves to say we need to just do it alone. We are meant to do it together.

Also feelings from your inner child can be incredibly overwhelming, frightening and painful so it's always best to have a safe space and safe person to work through them with

Sending love 

[Sesame]

Hi Sienna,

I can relate to the numbness. I felt so utterly empty as a teenager and I dulled so many of my feelings down. It was a coping mechanism to deal with all the terrible things I was experiencing. Now that I am an adult, I do still sometimes feel numb, but my supportive husband has really helped me to get in touch with what I am really feeling. It is still there, you've just pushed it down somewhere because maybe you're not ready to deal with it at the moment, or you've learnt it isn't safe to express it right now. At least, that's my take on it.

I have also frequently felt this way some time after rejections when I was a teen. I think it may be a natural stage of mourning the loss of what could have been. It certainly felt similar to when I lost someone close to me, but not as severe.

[SweetFreedom]

Wow guys, beautiful thread. I really appreciate the honesty here, and I really resonate with it.

Sometimes I wonder if that emptiness is a longing for being reunited with myself?

I really believe that often we seek out Narcs and other 'balancing' personality types to our own because we are split off from the quality that we wish to experience in ourselves, so we project & seek it in others. To me, emptiness and longing go hand in hand. And as I do more Inner Child work, I tend to feel empty less often. John Bradshaw says that this is because we have never actually become a complete self. We never individuated completely. We have no self yet. So we long to feel that sense of self filled by others, because we haven't done our own healing work yet. And as we do, we will begin to feel full and alive.