My new relationship is triggering me a lot

[flyingfree]

Hi all,

After being single for a couple of years I've recently got into a new relationship. The man I'm dating is lovely - kind, caring, sensitive. He knows about my c-ptsd stuff and isn't put off by it.
The problem is that I am finding being in a new relationship triggering. I've been having EF's to my relationship with my ex partner who was emotionally abusive. I was with him for 5 years, but the first year was the worst in terms of the amount of abuse he inflicted on me. Now that I'm in that new phase with someone else, I'm being reminded of that new phase with my ex and all the traumatic stuff that happened. I don't think I realised how much it had traumatised me until now. I did talk to my counsellor about it and she said that it's a matter of slowly learning to trust and replacing the bad memories with good ones. She also told me to ground myself by remembering how good I feel around my new partner. This advice was good and grounding myself has been helping, but lately I've been having anxiety about the past which I think is an EF.

My current man has admitted to me recently that he's struggling with some issues from his past (not FOO but some bad experiences) and he is looking into counselling for it. As a result he gets a little down sometimes. That's not a problem for me as I'm happy to be there for him, and about 90% of the time he is fine. We still have lots of fun together and really enjoy each others' company, so it's not having a huge effect, and he certainly doesn't take it out on me. This weekend we're going away on a well deserved break and I'm looking forward to it, but triggers galore....

My ex partner, in the first year of our relationship, became badly depressed and did take it all out on me - rages, silent treatments, basically just terrible behaviour that left me walking on eggshells. We went on a holiday together and he spent the entire time emotionally abusing me and being absolutely horrendous to me. I was his captive audience, basically, and there was 'no escape'.

I know logically that my new man wouldn't treat me like this, but I'm scared all the same. I know it's an EF in the sense that I'm being reminded of all the emotions I felt when I was with my ex. I just don't know how to conquer this. I don't want to screw this relationship up because of the past, and I'm a little fearful of telling my new guy about all this stuff too because I basically have this idea that if I share too much, he'll be like 'oh god, she's a headcase' and run. ugh.

Thoughts? Similar experiences?

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! We're glad you're here

When I am triggered and feel an EF coming on, it helps me if I can recognize just that - it's just the past, popping up again. It's up to me what to do with it. I can only hold my partner accountable for his actions here in the present. He has no more power over the past than I do.

There are many tools to deal with EF's; the trick will be finding what works for you. Check out http://pete-walker.com/index.htm for more info. Journaling helps me the most, either writing here or in my physical journal. I'm also finding validation from others to be helpful, knowing I'm not alone has been huge.

Let us know how your weekend goes

[sanmagic7]

i think the idea that this new man is acting in ways your ex didn't (i'm assuming here, but for someone to admit to having issues to the past - in essence, trusting you with his own vulnerability in a respectful way - and actually going to counseling to make needed changes and resolutions - taking appropriate action) may also be grounding  tidbits for you to hang onto.  to me, actions always speak louder than words, and those are the things i grab hold of in similar situations.  being able to laugh together is always a good sign to me.  90% of the time is good?  that also sounds terrific.

as 3roses said, the more you can stay in the present, and finding the tips that work for you, will, i believe, help you to be able to enjoy your outing together.  and don't we deserve some good stuff once in a while!  yep, we do!

[flyingfree]

Thankyou for your replies, guys. In the end, everything was fine. I was hugely anxious on the car trip, but I told him why (he said it was fine to talk about the past if it would help me) and he reassured me that things would be ok. And they were - we had a fantastic weekend together, I learnt to ski, we went kayaking, and we had so much fun together.

Thanks for the reminder on Pete Walker and also staying in the present as much as possible. Both great tips and I'll definitely be keeping them at the forefront of my mind as things progress!

[Three Roses]

I'm so happy you had a fun weekend!

[RecoveryKitten]

I am having the same problem. I've been in a 12 Step Recovery for 4 years and thought I was doing good! Then I got remarried a few months ago and have been having a lot of flashbacks to my first marriage.
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 14 years. My new husband is amazing and patient with me as I worth through this. I've talked to my sponsor and my husband about these flashbacks and by doing so I feel like the flashbacks have less power over me.  I try to be honest with my husband so that we can work through the feelings and not start our marriage by stuffing more feeling.
It's overwhelming some days though. It's as if I reach my limit of flashbacks I can handle and then I shut down emotionally and mentally. I try to focus on the fact that it is a flashback and not truth. After some time I calm down and can talk to my husband about it. But it's hard to reach the point of breaking down (since usually into some place public 😕).  My husband has asked me to do one thing regarding this...to be patient with myself. Which is so very hard. I just want to be better.
Thanks for Sharing☺️