update: moving through the pain in order to recover

[sanmagic7]

wow, i forgot that i had written this back in feb.  it's now the end of july, and am still struggling. 

the horror of all this is that it keeps coming.  my massage therapist has made a little bit of a dent in releasing long-held emotions/tension/stress/toxins in my body, and i've been seeing her about every other week since i last wrote.  but my poor body is far from feeling free, even now.  nearly every session sees me in tears, some more volatile and long-lasting than at other times.  the fight is not over yet.  and the pain from this process is both physical and emotional, which leaves me spent.  i am amazed at how much gunk my body has absorbed to help keep me alive and sane.  only once since i last posted did i ask her to simply give me a relaxing massage, and it felt great, and i felt great, all tingly as i could feel my blood circulating.  but, that's the first full-body massage i've been able to tolerate in almost 20 years, so i guess it's progress.

my therapist is sweet, young, green, and with no trauma experience at all.  she'd heard of ptsd, but i had to explain to her (after several sessions where she kept repeating 'those with ptsd . . .') the many differences between ptsd and c-ptsd.  i live in a small mexican community, and she is really the only one available.  we do get stuck on language and understanding at times.  (i speak pretty good spanish, but some words/phrases just don't translate well from one language to the other, so i can't always get my point across precisely).  i've researched and brought in information for her to read on c-ptsd treatment, taught her the importance of hugs (she never uses them in her work with other clients) and little stuff like that.  she is very supportive, and, especially in the beginning, was validating while listening to my list of abuses over the past 30 yrs. (we never even got into any of my childhood issues, and how i'd been set up for abusive relationships, lack of boundaries, etc. in the future).  i taught her about inner child work - she'd never heard of it. 

so, while therapy has been helpful, i've been doing much of my own therapeutic tools, techniques, and interventions on myself.  i have one friend who lives far away who is also going thru this, and she has been a great support for me.  and, (i live in the desert) the heat hit, a/c was inadequate in the building where i had my sessions, and i suffered from heat exhaustion and had to leave my last therapy appt. early, and won't be able to return until possibly oct., when it begins cooling down.  it's been a challenge and a struggle, and i've been relying more and more on this forum just to be able to write things down, get them out of myself.  it's not ideal, but it's what i've got, and i'm grateful for it.  people here have truly been wonderful.

my husband is as supportive as he can be, but mental/emotional health issues are all brand new to him.  he is now also seeing the therapist because of emotional/verbal abuse of which he was unaware.  when i bring something up, he argues, which makes me feel not safe in my own home.  i have no place else to go, however, and am doing the best i can with what i have.  still, since i decided on nc last year in jan. w/ my narc ex and my daughter (who had double-teamed me for 30 yrs.) i thought that i was on my way to a rather smooth process of healing.  when i wrote on this in feb., i had been triggered by the one-yr. anniversary of nc w/ my family, and i was completely overwhelmed.  i had been doing therapeutic types of things for myself all along, but this was something i didn't expect (giant ef, i'm guessing) and didn't know how to handle.  that's when this therapist became available, and i jumped at the chance. 

so, i seem to be finding new triggers nearly every day, and am having a difficult time finding some peace and rest for it.  i deal with them as they come along, but it seems like no sooner do i get one out of the way when another one slaps me in the face, and i'm a wreck until i deal with it.  i'm doing lots of grieving, having 'funerals' for all that i've lost along the way, or all that i didn't get that i needed.  i find a picture of a funeral arrangement online, copy and paste it onto my desktop, and also into my word processing program, where i've been keeping a journal, and write all the thoughts about that particular loss or never-had that come to mind.  usually sadness and anger come up, and i either cry or pound on my bed.  i've probably had 20 funerals so far, and i know there are many more to come.

i'm just getting so tired.  so very tired.  if i don't deal with something, i'm nervous and anxious until i do, but dealing with it is also very emotionally draining, very stressful.  i do a little yoga, a little walking in my house (it's too hot to go outdoors), a little weight-lifting, a little eft tapping, a little pressure point on myself.  i've tried meditation several many times and it hasn't calmed me one bit.  yoga doesn't calm me.  the validations i've been getting on this forum are soothing and calming for me.  even while the abuse was going on by my daughter, i got no validation from my other daughter or hub, which left me adrift.  finally, 2 yrs. ago, my younger daughter also became a victim to her sister, and has initiated nc, so we're allies now on that score.  but her dad has a sex addiction, and i knew about it, and he'd gone to meetings for awhile, but when i left, he stopped.  then, about 3 yrs. ago, i found out that he'd been lusting after my daughters, which started everything up again.  my oldest daughter (we were in contact at the time, she told me about this) has an ongoing relationship with him, they feed each other their narc supply, but i had to tell my youngest daughter about her dad and what he was doing, which devastated her, and me by proxy.  she retains a relationship with him, but reassures me that she's heard what i said about him, and is mindful now of what she wears, etc., in front of him when she sees him.  still, when i know that she's gone to visit him, my skin crawls at the thought that he's given her a hug, and what might be running through his mind.  i've asked her not to talk about him to me, and she's respected that.  still, when she goes to visit friends in our hometown, i know that she's going to see him, possibly stay with him at his place.  ugh!

so, it just keeps coming, and i can't get away  from it, can't get a break, and i don't know what else to do.  today i'm thinking of ending another relationship from the past that i thought was going to be fun to catch up with, but i don't like the way i'm being talked to.  i just get tired, too, of battling, of fighting for my right to be ok, cared about.  it seems so many people don't know how to do that, and it's wearing me down and out.  any other thoughts/suggestions are welcome.  otherwise, it felt good just to write this down, and i'm glad there's someone reading this who cares.

[Three Roses]

Yes, I care! Your posts are always insightful and helpful to me.

I'm not really into new age stuff but I do have an open mind; I think I tend to lean towards stuff that works, that I get a feeling of some relief from. So when this popped up in my Facebook feed, I took the test, and was interested enough in the findings to do the exercises it recommended. I was astonished to actually feel better after doing them!

It's not yoga and the "exercises" are very easy and take no time at all to complete.

https://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/introduction.php

Scroll down a bit for a link to the test, and a bit more for the exercises.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3roses.  i've actually been to this site, have taken the test, and it revealed some very interesting/disturbing revelations for me.  i also have a book on chakras, and have begun reading it.  i just got so overwhelmed the past couple of days that i hesitated to go back to it.  the thought of more 'work' was too much.  so, i'm glad you reminded me of this; i'll begin again and see what effect it has on me.

and, thanks for caring.  it means so much right now. 

there's so much more in me that wants to come out.  i'm fearing for my sanity right now, which is scaring the sh*t outta me.  i don't know how much more of this i can take.  i'm not suicidal, not depressed, but i am full of anger and hate.  i read the article about forgiveness, and how it's not a necessary thing to do if one doesn't feel it, and that was such a relief.  i hate my ex for what he's been like toward my daughters, and i will never forgive him for that!  all my therapeutic and 12-step backgrounds talk about not being able to move on unless we forgive those who have wronged us (or those we love and care about) and i just can't find it in my heart to do so.  reading that article was one more piece of validation, and it, again (the validation, the permission) helped calm me down about it. 

the articles and lists that i've found on this forum have been life-savers/sanity-savers.  i'm so grateful.  i just wish this would go away, that i could take a vacation from it for a while.  it's beginning to wear me down, and that feeling scares me.

[Three Roses]

  hang in there

[sanmagic7]

threeroses - i'm hangin'!!!

snailspace - coming from both therapeutic and  12-step backgrounds, forgiveness was talked about a lot, encouraged over and over.  then i have religious friends who also talk about forgiveness as the only way to end my own suffering and to be at peace with myself.  forgiveness was supposedly the end of the struggle, the way to stop those that have harmed us from living 'rent-free' in our heads.  i heard this many times and i bought into these theories for many years cuz i didn't know any better!

that's why reading that article brought so much relief!  i even once argued with a minister's wife that jesus didn't forgive those who had harmed him, but asked god to do it 'for they know not what they do'.  (i used to be a sunday school teacher), and that i didn't feel forgiveness was my place, to let it be done if it were going to be done by some other entity.   i was talked down pretty quickly.

the idea of forgiveness, as it was presented to me, was to be the 'bigger' person.  making amends (in the 12-step community) was an act of sincere apology for what i had done wrong to others, with the hopes of absolution through their forgiveness.  forgiveness has been a major player in my life for a very long time.

this whole idea of not having to forgive someone for what they did to me or someone i care about is a revelation, and it brings tears to my eyes to think that it is one more struggle with which i don't have to pay any attention to.  if, someday, i get to a neutral place about someone, that will be fine with me.  until then, tho, i'm just not going to worry about it anymore.  yay!!!

in the meantime, i'm just feeling overwhelmed, out of control, and on the edge.  i told my husband last night that if he wanted to bug out of our relationship, he was welcome to, and i wouldn't blame him.  he didn't sign up for all this.  he was wonderful, told me that we were in this together, and he wasn't going anywhere.  that was comforting, to say the least, cuz i have really nowhere to go, and i couldn't make it here in mexico w/o him.  it would just be too hard, and right now i don't have enough strength.

speaking of strength, i'm still working up the energy to get into the chakras.  i want to try those exercises, see what happens.  i'm a bit leery, because energy work hasn't always worked well with me.  i've tried tai chi, and other similar disciplines, and it goes against my own energy field (which is extremely strong - i stop watches, have done so since i got my first watch in high school.  and it doesn't matter what kind, they'd work for a few days, maybe a year, and suddenly stop), and it's quite disturbing to me.  instead of feeling relaxed or energized, i feel disoriented, out of sorts, almost ill.  i do some emdr-type stuff on myself (i am an emdr practitioner), but that's been mostly for some of my physical ailments. 

so, for today i'm distracting myself a lot, playing video games and such.  not much mind bending as far as thought processes go.  thank you both so much for your responses, for your caring.  it is truly appreciated.  i'll do what i can when i can, and hopefully, will be able to move forward once again.  dang, this has been so awful.  the worst experience of my life, mainly because it's hanging on and on.  where's my magic wand?  poof!  and it's gone!  yeah, i wish!

[snailspace]

Thanks sanmagic, good for you for questioning this concept of forgiveness which seems to be the accepted norm.  I could never get on with the idea myself and it's good to hear others who think the same way.  Feeling something we can't for what ever reason is just an unnecessary pressure and one we can do without.  My sister "forgave" my mother but it didn't do her any favours as my mother took it as a green light and just continued in her own merry way.  It's different if people show remorse!  I hope you are feeling a bit better today and have found some way to unwind and relax.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snailspace.  and, actually, i am feeling better today, like a mist has lifted.  i feel a bit lighter, clearer.  it's hard to trust, tho.  i never understood when people talked about waiting for the other shoe to fall, but today i understand it perfectly.  it's not a fun thing to feel.

one thing i'm learning about myself (and it's about time!) is that i've been so numb for so long, and it's like a blowtorch thawed me out all at once, and i've had all this crapola to deal with since jan., and i never even realized it was there!  people in this forum talk freely about inner critics and such, and i spent most of my life denying any such thing, just moving along my way, dealing with what came along as it came along, and not looking back.  until jan.  it's taken a heavy physical toll, tho.  that's where everything has been stored all these years, and at my age, it's difficult to reverse the charges, so to speak.  the ol' bod just can't respond like it did when it was younger. 

i'm very glad, tho, for everyone who is realizing what's happened to them while they're much younger than i.  i've only really gotten a handle on what c-ptsd means in the past 2 yrs., finally did nc w/ the two people in my life who i'd loved and trusted to love me back (narc ex and daughter) and got triggered into this horrendous e.f. by the 1-yr. anniversary of that nc decision.  still, i'm going to enjoy feeling better today.  i think it's the first break i've had from this since jan.  it almost feels like a vacation!