Feeling Lonely (Part 1)

[voicelessagony2]

Rrecovery,

I'm glad we are both here.



I struggle with loneliness too. Even though I am in a relationship, we are both "loners" and my SA is actually getting worse. I literally have to force myself to leave the house.

Some context: I'm about to turn 47 and never had kids, and 99.9% certain I won't with menopause breathing down my neck. My bf, who I've been with for 3 years, is 35 and also never had kids, and his family lives elsewhere. My mom and any family I might be close to live 1400 miles away, and my one close friend (who I have been gradually pushing away just like everybody else) is getting ready to move 1100 miles the other direction. We are not religious, so the one place where many find meaningful connections is just not there.

I really don't like the fact that we don't have friends to hang out with. I think it probably puts too much pressure on the relationship to be everything for both of us, too.

I was thinking about getting the book you mentioned, "Conversationally Speaking" but does it have instructions how to go beyond the initial step? I mean, I actually am fine whenever I do get around people, usually. I can talk to anyone, even strangers on the airplane, and always have entertaining conversations. That initial connection I am great at! ...But I systematically sabotage any chance of continuing the friendship in any way. For example, I met a promising business contact at a networking event, and we even connected on LinkedIn afterward and exchanged a couple of messages about getting together for lunch to continue our discussion. It freaked me out so bad that I never replied to actually nail down a time and place, and just like thousands before, the connection died before it had any chance to become anything else.

It's destroying my career. I'm a consultant and have been unemployed for almost a year. Exactly because I have no network of connections, even after living in this city for 15 years.

[Rain]

I sure can relate, voiceless!!   Hang in there.

[voicelessagony2]

Thanks, Rain.
It's not difficult at all for me to think of topics I'd love to pursue... but no matter what, even my favorite thing in the world cannot make me want to go out THERE. It's so comfy in here. So much to read, so much to do, right here inside this room. I really think growing up completely isolated and alone made me equate aloneness with comfort. Loneliness became just a minor annoyance compared to everything else.

So, my loneliness is both circumstantial and self-inflicted. How can I possibly win?

[Rrecovery]

Hi Voice,

Thank you so much for sharing.  I am also competent at smalltalk but not so great at the next step.  When one's nervous system is so overloaded it is hard to make the decision to intentionally expose it to more (possibly uncomfortable) stimulation.  I hear you enjoy staying in for the most part.  I used to.  But I've gotten to the point where being alone is just overwhelmingly painful.  I hate it.  But it is motivating me to forge ahead and try to make some meaningful connections. 

I am an athlete and that has been getting me out.  But I just tore the cartilage in my knee so now EVEN THAT social outlet is gone.  It's got me in a terrible depression.  I just signed up for group therapy as a social outlet 

It's not "just" the cptsd.  I'm also an INFP.  We are a minority as far as personality types and are usually uninterested in mainstream common interests.  When I go to most gatherings I feel totally drained listening to discussions about the "usual."  My interests are so unconventional most people cannot relate or sustain any interest level.  On top of that I work evenings so most classes I'd be interested in happen when I'm working 

So many layers of difficulty.  So I've been trying online dating to find the "one" I can hole up with.

I have no advice, just complaints.  But it HELPS to share this.  Thank you so much 

[Rain]

I'm INFP also, R.

I am so sorry on your torn cartilage!   

[Rrecovery]

Thank  you Rain    INFP cool - and a challenging configuration to be - wouldn't you agree? 

[Rain]

I do agree, R!  It IS in a loud world, at least here in the States.

Have you read Susan Cain's Quiet, by chance?   It is about the strength of introversion.   New York Times bestseller.

    An INFP party highlight.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Rain,
You are assuming a correlation between INFP and HSP then?  I agree.  I'd love to see some statistical analysis on the subject.  "Quiet" keeps popping up as a recommendation; thanks, think I'll check it out. 

[voicelessagony2]

I do agree, R!  It IS in a loud world, at least here in the States.

Have you read Susan Cain's Quiet, by chance?   It is about the strength of introversion.   New York Times bestseller.

    An INFP party highlight.

I just bought the Kindle version of this for $2.99. I read the little self-assessment in the preview, and I answered all but one absolutely YES, so yeah I am definitely an introvert. 

[Milarepa]

I totally empathize with some aspects of this experience. Breakups and singlehood are particularly hard for us with CPTSD because we have no FOO to go back to and our chosen family has fallen apart. This was how my life was for many years between the breakup of my seven year-long college relationship and meeting my husband. I'd meet someone I liked a lot (either as a friend or a lover), latch on, and then be bitterly disappointed and feel suicidal when they couldn't give me all of the nurturing and support I desperately needed and had never gotten in my FOO.

I got a lot of therapy, had a couple of breakdowns, got on some medication, and slowly rebuilt my life. My breakthrough came right around the time I met my husband. It might be politically incorrect to say that meeting him changed a lot for me, but he's been a really positive influence in my life. He managed to lean in as a friend and give me a hand in rebuilding my life without trying to rescue me or get over involved; and in the process of building a mutually supportive friendship, we fell in love. It's the healthiest, sanest relationship I've ever known and has been so healing for me.

I don't want to promise that your situation will look exactly like mine, but try not to give up hope. The future is full of possibility for change and loneliness now doesn't necessarily mean that you will feel lonely forever.

[Rrecovery]

Thank you Milarepa!  I often fall into the false thinking that loneliness is forever when this may very well just be "a" time in my life. 

I often feel like I should wait until I'm whole to seek a relationship - but with Cptsd that day will never come - even though I can continue to become more whole.  I'm glad you found someone and have a healthy relationship - even while you were still healing.   

[voicelessagony2]

I totally empathize with some aspects of this experience. Breakups and singlehood are particularly hard for us with CPTSD because we have no FOO to go back to and our chosen family has fallen apart. This was how my life was for many years between the breakup of my seven year-long college relationship and meeting my husband. I'd meet someone I liked a lot (either as a friend or a lover), latch on, and then be bitterly disappointed and feel suicidal when they couldn't give me all of the nurturing and support I desperately needed and had never gotten in my FOO.

I got a lot of therapy, had a couple of breakdowns, got on some medication, and slowly rebuilt my life. My breakthrough came right around the time I met my husband. It might be politically incorrect to say that meeting him changed a lot for me, but he's been a really positive influence in my life. He managed to lean in as a friend and give me a hand in rebuilding my life without trying to rescue me or get over involved; and in the process of building a mutually supportive friendship, we fell in love. It's the healthiest, sanest relationship I've ever known and has been so healing for me.

I don't want to promise that your situation will look exactly like mine, but try not to give up hope. The future is full of possibility for change and loneliness now doesn't necessarily mean that you will feel lonely forever.

Milarepa,
WOW your experience is SOOO similar to mine! Nobody has ever been able to understand why dating is so hard for me. I am notorious for 2 to 4 week relationships that leave me more devastated than someone going through a divorce after being married for 20 years.

I moved 1400 miles away with a boyfriend 15 years ago, and chose to stay here after leaving him, as I had no desire to return to FOO. I have a distinct pattern of staying in an abusive relationship for several years, long after any feelings I may have had are gone, then I get fed up and leave, and fall victim to a string of predatory narcists that crush my soul until I'm ready to latch onto the next illusion of stability. The last predator left me suicidal, because the pain was exponentially worse than any before, and it seemed like I was doomed to continue the pattern. I felt like that 3 year old abandoned little girl, alone in a strange city, without a friend in the world.

I don't know, to be completely honest, if my current relationship is healthy or not. It's definitely better than any previous, but that isn't really saying much. I see some narcistic traits in him, and he is emotionally distant most of the time, but even with his problems, he is MUCH better than any previous men I have had in my life. And he is taking care of me now, which is more than anybody has ever done. But I stay with him because I do love him, and I also don't trust myself yet to be alone and single without attracting a bunch of vultures again.

[Milarepa]

I often feel like I should wait until I'm whole to seek a relationship - but with Cptsd that day will never come - even though I can continue to become more whole.  I'm glad you found someone and have a healthy relationship - even while you were still healing.   

You and me both! :-)

If it helps, the thing that distinguished that relationship from others I'd had at that point is that he had impeccable boundaries and I was able to learn a lot about what those looked like from imitating how he set his; and he made it very easy to respect his boundaries because he set them with a sort of benevolent attitude that made it easier for me to self-soothe. It was like healthy relationship boundaries training wheels. I neither anticipated his imminent abandonment with a sense of doom nor latched onto him, desperate for a savior. I didn't have a whole lot figured out at that point, but it didn't seem to matter.

I think the moral of the story is that you do not have to be in perfect, or even in great shape, when you meet someone who is really right for you. You just have to be open hearted and willing to grow.

I don't know, to be completely honest, if my current relationship is healthy or not. It's definitely better than any previous, but that isn't really saying much. I see some narcistic traits in him, and he is emotionally distant most of the time, but even with his problems, he is MUCH better than any previous men I have had in my life. And he is taking care of me now, which is more than anybody has ever done. But I stay with him because I do love him, and I also don't trust myself yet to be alone and single without attracting a bunch of vultures again.

Are relationships ever *completely* healthy? No, because nobody is ever completely healthy. Relationships that are largely healthy grow from their imperfections. My husband and I both have some narcissistic traits, so we both have that to work on, but self-awareness is more than half the battle.

Does your SO have an awareness of his narcissistic traits? What about his emotional distance? Is he willing to work on those things?

[voicelessagony2]

I have never used the term "narcistic" with him, I think he would probably get defensive about that label - heck, so would I! But he has some general awareness about personality disorders, and claims that he used to have issues, but not any more. I have asked him to read Pete Walker's book, and he said he would, and I hope he keeps his promise because I saw a lot of him in there when I was reading it. I think he tends toward the "Fight" response, where I am the freeze/fawn type.

What I have learned about both of us recently, is that the really bad fights we have had, we were both having EFs. He gets triggered either at work or on his way home, and arrives in a state of "fight," which immediately triggers me because I can't deal with anger/control. So our conflicts have been coming from our unconscious triggered states, obviously that's a recipe for disaster.

We haven't had any conflicts since I've learned about triggers and EFs, but I'm sure they are inevitable. I hope I will be able to use some objectivity, knowing what I know now. 

[Rrecovery]

I seem to have experienced a significant shift.  The pervasive feeling of overwhelming loneliness is gone!  I believe I have been experiencing a flashback from a profoundly alone time in my life - plus traumatic grief - and it lasted 17 months!  The one thing about grief - if you feel it, allow it - it does eventually come to an end.  I am no longer on the online dating sites.  I am now enjoying my own company again - and the sweet rest of solitude.  My nervous system is exhausted.

I want to thank all of you for nurturing me when I needed it most - when I thought I'd lose my mind from loneliness.  As a wise person I know says - love is everywhere- don't confine it to one person.  When my heart is open I know this to be true.

Rr