Feeling Lonely (Part 1)

[schrödinger's cat]

Heeeeey! That's great to hear!       Encouraging, too. All the best for you, Rrecovery.

[Rain]

I seem to have experienced a significant shift.  The pervasive feeling of overwhelming loneliness is gone! 

YES!!!!  Most Excellent!     

[Rrecovery]

Dear SC and Rain - thank you!!!!!! 

[voicelessagony2]

  I am no longer on the online dating sites.  I am now enjoying my own company again - and the sweet rest of solitude.  My nervous system is exhausted.

I want to thank all of you for nurturing me when I needed it most - when I thought I'd lose my mind from loneliness.  As a wise person I know says - love is everywhere- don't confine it to one person.  When my heart is open I know this to be true.

Rr 

Rr ...    I am so happy for you! Maybe there is hope for me, too. 

[Rrecovery]

Thank you VA    I like the way we give hope to each other here.

[Milarepa]

I seem to have experienced a significant shift.  The pervasive feeling of overwhelming loneliness is gone!  I believe I have been experiencing a flashback from a profoundly alone time in my life - plus traumatic grief - and it lasted 17 months!  The one thing about grief - if you feel it, allow it - it does eventually come to an end.  I am no longer on the online dating sites.  I am now enjoying my own company again - and the sweet rest of solitude.  My nervous system is exhausted.

I want to thank all of you for nurturing me when I needed it most - when I thought I'd lose my mind from loneliness.  As a wise person I know says - love is everywhere- don't confine it to one person.  When my heart is open I know this to be true.

Rr 

That is awesome news! It's so hard to see your way out of an EF when you're in the middle of it. I'm glad you found your way. 

[Rrecovery]

Thank you M 

[Annegirl]

     to all who were/ are feeling alone.. one thing that helps me get through lonliness is a simple sayjng by Charlotte Brontës Jane Eyre.
"The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained i am, the more i will respect myself"

[Rrecovery]

Thanks for the quote Annegirl.  Two weeks ago I got triggered and have been in another "traumatic loneliness" state.  I notice that whenever I "start believing" that whatever needs to change/heal is within me - I feel better.  But when my profound aloneness goes on too long  (it has been ever since I injured my knees and can't rock-climb) or I get triggered by hearing about people's relational happiness/fulfillment - I go into an EF and stop believing that I can solve this within myself and start re-believing I need love from someone else - that's when I get into real trouble and, unfortunately, that's where I've been for two weeks now 

Part of what has triggered me is going out into the world (when I'm feeling good) and "looking" for all the love that's out there - only to notice that I am treated like I am invisible.  Everyone is absorbed in their own world, glued to their smartphones, or absorbed in relating to the person they are with.  I normally don't look at other people either - but I pushed myself to so I could see all the love out there in the world.  Instead I got terribly triggered. I did this experiment about 5 times with the same result every time.  Now I feel afraid to go out and look at people.  What a mess!  I'm in a worse depression than before, with less hope than ever.   

[Whobuddy]

I like what flookedelic wrote on a different thread:

"But the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with my traumatised brain. I have learned to see it as my wound and not my enemy and so live a life full of compassion and insight, even love towards all it's jumbled, pained and dissociative spasms."


I also suspect that as I start to slowly heal I am becoming more sensitive and feeling. My previous strategy was not to let myself care about relationships. Now I am afraid that if I truly care I will be defenseless to deal with the extreme sadness if the relationship ends.

Another observation is that when I am alone I always notice how many couples are out there and how happy they seem. Then when I am not alone I notice the people who are alone and seem content with themselves. I think my ICr tricks me that way.

I don't know if this helps you at all... just some of my musings about loneliness. But it is clear that OOTS folks are here  for you! 

[Kizzie]

Hey Rrecovery - I'm so sorry to hear you have been in a traumatic loneliness EF for the past two weeks      I have definitely felt the same thing  which I always found strange considering I do have been in a loving FOC for 25+ years. And by aching I mean this hole, this utterly lonely part of me that no-one or nothing ever seemed to touch.  In truth I felt somewhat guilty about feeling such an aching loneliness when I do have a caring H and S. 

I'm coming to see now through understanding CPTSD more that my loneliness was all about not having a loving caring relationship with me, my self. I have really tried to be more loving and compassionate towards my self and I must say that the feeling of loneliness is not as bad as it once was.  When I would wake up or be falling asleep I would end up in this cold, gray and very bleak place and that's not happening as often or to the same degree. I don't know if any of this resonates with you, but I just thought I'd post in case you do find a nugget you can use 

PS - I came across a book the other day you might be interested in (I haven't read it) - it's called  Healing Your Aloneness: Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child By Margaret Paul, Erika J. Chopich

[Annegirl]

Hi again,
I don't know if this helps, but I remember having these feelings a lot more accompanied by a lot of fear and anxiety, when digging deeper, sitting with it, without trying to cover it with anything I discovered my underlying fear of death and the future. I started reading and discovering and exploring death. Something I found that maybe you have already researched is the science of the afterlife and Near Death Experiences. Finding out about all this was a pretty life changing point in my loneliness and depression journey.

[Rrecovery]

Thank you all for your care and feedback.  I keep wondering how much of this is inside me and how much is too much actual aloneness for any human being to tolerate.  I can be with people plenty, but they are either not people I care to be with, or venues and activities I don't enjoy.  I'm quite picky about the company I keep.  I won't say too picky because I tolerated abusive/unhelpful/unenjoyable company for far too long.  I don't accept sub-quality company anymore.  I think I'm in-between "companies"  no more sub-quality, but haven't cultivated enough quality company.

Yesterday I signed up for a year-long non-violent communication training/community-building program.  It is my hope that this will yield some resonant connections and friendships with people who are capable and motivated to offer real listening, care and regard.  I think it's a big step in the right direction.  Also, for now, I'll be seeing my therapist twice a week to work on these issues and to avail myself of the social aspect of therapy - kind of a rent-a-friend, for now.

I'm an unusual case in that I have an excellent relationship with myself and virtually no IC - I rooted that bugger all the way out almost 20 years ago - and Inner-Child work was very helpful in doing so.  I have a feeling 80% of the distress I feel is real - I have been very very isolated since my knee injury.  I'm sure the actual aloneness triggers the trauma of growing up in a non-nurturing environment of emotional abandonment.  That's probably where the panic is coming from.

Thank you so much for reading this and caring.  It's meaningful and helpful to me 

[neenonee]

Hang in there Rrecovery, it sounds like you have your head screwed on relatively straight, so you have a lot going for you. I think we can all say we've been there where you are, with the profound loneliness. I have too, I'm 44 and don't have any friends but I still keep trying, just not at a fast pace. I do believe you've got to get out there as much as possible to meet the people who you click with, joining a hobby group or church or whatever floats your boat. Is there something else you can do besides rock climbing, if your knees won't allow you?

[Rrecovery]

Hi Neenonee,

Along with the Cptsd I am also an HSP - highly sensitive person.  My nervous system gets overwhelmed so easily.  Most activities are just too loud for me.  I'm also an introvert and so mindless superficial talking bores and annoys me.  I'm also an INFP - not concrete at all - everything is feelings meaning and abstractions - most people don't think and communicate that way.  There's nothing "wrong" with me and there's nothing wrong with conventional people - it just makes for a lot of incompatibility, it's so friggen complicated.  I have stopped going to groups I don't enjoy (which is most) because it's not enough to just physically be with people if it is an unsatisfying and draining experience.  For so many years I just wanted to fit in - with anybody.  Then I learned how to fit in and realized I don't enjoy it.  The rock-climbing was unique for me - I fit in and enjoyed that community - for the first time in my life.  I also LOVE rock-climbing.  I've been trying to be evolved in my reaction to losing the rock-climbing, but the more I think and talk about it - I'm truly devastated - beyond the beyond - and it's just sinking in that the physical therapy doesn't seem to be making enough of a difference.  I know that eventually I'll need to try to find something else - I just can't imagine what 

Thank you to everyone who has read my words, read and contributed to this thread - it means a lot to me.