Feeling Lonely (Part 1)

[Rrecovery]

My relational history is so convoluted: raised by 2 personality disordered parents, sibs messed up, bullied and excluded at school, two PD ex-husbands.  Now I'm single and middle-aged and I feel very lonely.  It's hard to "get out there" when most social venues are so loud and over-stimulating.  It's also hard to feel close to "normal" people who aren't dealing with Cptsd - my life is so small and sheltered compared to theirs - can't exactly share the victories of coming out of EFs and continuing to get better bit by bit.  I feel like I'm an alien - on a foreign planet yet I need to connect - to feel close to people - or at least to someone who will spend time with me on a consistent basis.

Sometimes I feel apathy and deep despair - I've led such a lonely life.  I got away from the crazy people early on, but it's left me with no one more often than not.  I think that a person can only provide so much to one's self: I have been my own mother, father, sister, brother, lover, therapist and doctor because the ones I've had were so toxic and/or incompetent.

I don't fit into any groups - I'm not an addict, etc.  I feel like I need what I didn't get as a child: attention, love, touch, validation, loving interaction.  Sometimes I feel like the orphan in the crib that's given up on ever being picked up.  Don't mean to sound so dramatic but since my divorce 3 years ago I feel very lonely indeed.  Most people hang out in families/couples.  Singles generally struggle, I know.  But to add Cptsd into the mix makes it even harder and more painful. 

[Rain]

Sending a hug, Rr     

It is hard.   It is painful.   I'm sorry you are so very lonely, Rrecovery.   Sending you a  ...I understand.

It is not who you are, but what you were put through.    There is hope, fellow traveler.   Small steps out there.

[Rrecovery]

Thank you for your lovely and caring feedback Rain.  It's helpful 

[schrödinger's cat]

I was sad to hear all that, Rrecovery. Sorry, I'm too dehydrated to be really coherent right now, but I didn't want to wait. This might not help much, since we're all just pixels to each other basically, but you're not totally alone? Here on OOTS, we can be alone together, sometimes.

Though, I hear you about real life struggles. It's a little similar for me - I'm living a sheltered, "small" kind of life with narrow boundaries, because I was triggered almost daily about ten years ago and had to find some way of stopping this. It's like you said - people chat breezily about "oh, I went on holiday to South America" or "I might get promoted at work" or "I've found a job", and then there's jobless little me scratching my head and trying to think of news to share. "Hm... maybe: 'Found a new way of dealing with EFs'?... No. 'Right shoe is starting to look scuffed but is too comfy to throw away...?' No. 'General and/or specific complaints about my FOO'...? No. 'I feel obliged to clean my living room floor but can't really see the point...?'"

I even started looking up "how to find friends" on google. It always says to "go out and meet people"... 

Sometimes it says "find a hobby that lets you meet people..." 

Sometimes it says: "be genuine and honest, and share about your life" or something like that... 

In my country (the G-word one in Central Europe), there's a support group for children of mentally ill parents. Is there something like that where you live? Probably a stupid question, because I assume that there isn't, since, if there was one, you'd probably know of it already and be part of it etc, but just in case...?

[globetrotter]

Rrecovery:
I remember that I felt this way. I was single for a very long time. It is a dark ache.

My suggestion is to get out, go out. CPTSD does not define us. It is but one part of us. Once we meet folks we can trust, it's easier to let the story of our struggles leak slowly out. I've also found allies - most folks launch from dysfunctional unfortunately. Some never hear the story. There are several levels of trust and friendship. Some folks never advance that deeply with me.
I do not know where you are, but have you heard of meetup.com? They have groups for every kind of interest.  Just one suggestion.

[Rrecovery]

Thank you for your replies, I feel understood and cared about 

Yes, being single, for me, is a "dark ache."  I survived my life by always having that "one" person, a best friend, or a lover who was my lifeline to humanity. The times when I did not have this one person, like that past 3 years, have always been excruciating for me.  I barely recognize myself, I'm such a desperate puddle of need, when in general I'm strong and resilient.  I keep wondering - is this something that can be fixed inside of me?  Or am I truly starved for love and friendship i.e. help can ONLY come from another person?  It feels that way - and that's scarey as *.  Can we be all things to ourselves or is there a point in which we are in true need of closeness with another person?

I wish I wasn't so damned introverted.  Being part of a group does so little for me and is draining on top.  I'm looking for that one on one connection which is hard to find unless you put yourself out there where the groups meet (meetup is a great tool for this).  I find myself doing the online dating thing to make one on one connections - but that's such hostile territory - I feel fairly beat up from it 

It matters to me, a lot, to have this place and all of you lovely good-hearted fellow travelers - thank you!!!

[globetrotter]

Small steps, indeed - I believe that we advance when we set our selves up for causes for celebration!

I recently took a four session writing class, because it was a non-sharing class. I am glad it was only four weeks, because by the end, there was a LOT of pressure to share! But for me, it was a huge stretch simply to go. A reason to celebrate. Inspiration for the next step. I went, I didn't embarrass myself, I did not spontaneously combust. I did not get past my SA and felt very intimidated at times, but I learned some things.

I didn't make any friends because I am not outgoing around strangers, but there was something rewarding simply being around creative energy. I believe around the right people, we can gain something even if we choose not to say a word.

[somnambulist]

I think it's really all about those small steps - and small is just a relative term.  Those steps are your steps and unless someone's walking in your shoes they don't know how much effort those steps take.  The important thing is to go at your pace Rrecovery and love yourself along the way.

Some things that I've internalized that help me are to recognize there is no such thing as wasted time - there is only now, and how we choose to live right now is our choice alone.  It also helps me to believe that I am not the only one who feels the way I feel, that even in my most isolated and lonely times, there is someone else out there, feeling just as isolated and lonely, and my sympathy turns inward and I try to feel psychically connected to that energy that I feel connects us all.  Psychically, not physically - my senses overwhelm me.  But whatever you believe, the point is we're not alone - and I'm glad this forum is a thing we can all share and use to support one another in these times.

Celebrate the steps, all the steps.  Acknowledge the effort and be kind to yourself.  And if anxiety and agoraphobia make it hard to connect to others in person (they do for me too right now - as I hide under my covers far longer than I should be today), comfort yourself - recognize that as an opportunity to love yourself and remind yourself you are okay.  We often look for love and affection and affirmation from others, especially when we're having trouble affirming our own sense of self worth.  You are perfect as you are.  You are worthy of love as you are.

[Mizmia]

   your posts could have been made by me !  I so understand

Big hugs. And no advice because I'm in the same boat     46 and nobody wants to go out with me cause they all have family's

[Rrecovery]

Hi Mizmia,

Thank you for your words.  I'm sorry we are both in this boat   Our culture revolves around spouses/partners and children, if you have neither it can get pretty lonely.   Sometimes I feel very alone in my loneliness.  Thank you for reaching out. 

[zenfox]

Wow, I can relate to all of this so much. I live a very lonely life too, find it really hard to get out there. I feel like I don't fit in with others my age, who have professional jobs, partners, friends, go out every weekend......I have none of these things. I spend a huge amount of time doing therapy or self-help things, or just trying to get through the day.......not much to talk about! I don't want to talk about my illness to people, so I feel I don't know how to 'explain' myself and my small little life.

However things have slowly gotten better for me. I agree that just being around people in a group that is safe, even if you don't contribute much is helpful - I've been to a couple of therapy-type groups like this and it slowly helps build your trust in people and reduce you anxieties.

I've managed to regularly go to a book group held at the library - it's ideal because it's a small group, in a quiet space, and we just talk about the book and don't have to talk about ourselves. I'm still full of anxiety when I go and it was hard at first, but after persisting so long the anxiety has slowly reduced and I feel I have started to make connections.

I think for even non-introverted or anxious types it takes time to build up relationships, so I try to be patient, and also I have stayed in the same place for nearly two years (I used to move all the time).

Unfortunately I can't use my old strategy of getting completely wasted in order to talk to people - it makes me way too depressed, and more vulnerable to predatory types. So it's good that I gave up booze, but it does make talking to people harder.

Big yes for celebrating every little achievement -they all matter, they all build up over time to bigger achievements.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Zenfox,

Thanks for sharing.  My heart goes out to you in your loneliness and suffering.  I'm glad things are getting better.  I used to have social anxiety too.  It helped a lot to attend bookclubs with their ready-made things to talk about.  I also attended yoga classes and meditation groups just to be with others without the pressure of smalltalk.  I have overcome my social anxiety, I hope yours gets better too.  I'm glad you're hear.   

[globetrotter]

Rr...how did you beat SA? I had severe SA as a kid, am about 80% there now.
I work on it by pushing myself into uncomfortable situations. Sometimes I fail, most times I advance.
I am interested in your "cure".
Thanks!

[Rrecovery]

Hi Globetrotter,

There were several facets to my recovery.  Reading, "Conversationally Speaking," was a huge help.  It spells out the nuances of the "stages" of getting to know someone - the nuts and bolts of conversation.  I also studied and practiced assertiveness techniques so I could feel confident protecting myself if someone decided to act like a jerk.  I also took the test and studied my Myers-Briggs personality type.  I studied and practiced meditation and mindfulness and used it during social times.  Also, I realized that most people felt a little uncomfortable around me because they could sense I was "not okay" i.e. it wasn't "me" that wasn't compelling enough, but my inner "not okayness" (that I did my best to mask) and as I calmed that down people would feel more comfortable around me.  Then there's good old fashioned cognitive restructuring and exposure therapy - CBT.  Lot's of layers.  I can still have moments of discomfort, but they are rare these days.  I wish you well in your recovery.

Rr

[globetrotter]

Lots of layers, indeed!

"Also, I realized that most people felt a little uncomfortable around me because they could sense I was "not okay" i.e. it wasn't "me" that wasn't compelling enough, but my inner "not okayness" (that I did my best to mask) and as I calmed that down people would feel more comfortable around me. "   This is very familiar.

I puzzle myself, as I roll along just dandy, then *bang* out of the blue, something/one makes me feel wonky, for why, I do not know. I have wondered if there is something going on subliminally that is triggering me (voice, smell, the color red???) Or, maybe not!

Thank you for taking the time to spell out all of these steps. It is no small task!