Feeling Lonely (Part 1)

[Kizzie]

Rrecovery is such a great moniker for you as you do seem to be figuring things out despite the complexities and moving forward in recovery. I think it's wonderful that you are now choosing groups you want to belong to that nourish you in some way rather than simply to belong somewhere, anywhere.

I'm so sorry you may not be able to return to rock climbing and I do hope the new program you joined will help fill the void that has left.  I just joined an African drumming class/troupe in the fall and it is a lovely, small group of people who are passionate, fun-loving and very welcoming. It does pings my SA (social anxiety) a bit but at the same time delights me so I am going to stick with it and hopefully the delight will win out 

[Rrecovery]

Hi Kizzie,

Thank you for your kind, nourishing words    The African drumming group sounds lovely; I hope it will be a blessing and that it will help to diminish the SA.  Feeling relaxed and appreciated in a group can be a corrective therapeutic experience.  I appreciate all you do for all of us Kizzie; I find you very loving and quite remarkable 

[Kizzie]

Thanks for you kind words Rrecovery   

[Rrecovery]

I've been dating a really nice guy - he's so nurturing and understanding.  He's a physician with a specialty.  I've been trying to take the relationship lightly because he's looking for a job and with his specialty it's not easy to find a job and he's been looking locally and in other states.  Also, he's agnostic and I really want to be with a spiritual guy.  But he's been so kind and loving and nurturing and fun and good-hearted that he's really grown on me.  Now I feel like I'm falling in love.  He's pretty much exhausted the local hospitals so he's 99% sure his next position will require him to move away.     I feel traumatized now.  I still have no friends who are available, plenty who never are.  So, he's my entire social outlet.  I'm forging ahead with groups and classes where I might find people to build friendships with, but as that hasn't happened yet, I feel devastated.  I can hardly breathe, I'm having g.i. issues, my shoulders keep raising up, like I'm preparing for the big blow - the loss of our face-to-face time together.    Then I'll be alone again.

I guess it would be best to begin detaching now.  I know how to do that.  I have had to detach from everyone I've ever loved.   

I feel so devastated.  For now, he's here and we can continue to get together and have wonderful times, closeness, affection, affirmation.  Hard to say no to that as it's my only source.  I've never been loved this well.  But our times together are causing me to feel closer and more attached.  I can't seem to feel close to someone without also feeling attached.  And, for me, never seeing someone I'm attached to feels like a gnawing hunger and pain that's just torture.

But I'm the world's best detacher when I make up my mind.  I know that's an option.  Seems it always comes down to that sooner or later.  I have no one in my life that abuses be and I have no one in my life (that's more than a phone, text, email friend).

I keep wondering, do I feel so lonely because I still have basic development work to do?  Or is it because I'm so alone?  I had to detach from my family, was bulllied/despised in school, made friends with drug addicts I eventually detached from, married a good man with Aspergers and just clung to him for 18 years until I couldn't take it anymore and divorced/detached from him.  Now I'm alone.  A life of relational trauma.  I'm generally good at staying detached.  When I attach I get get so hurt.

The weird thing is, I have a loving relationship with myself.  I love and nurture myself every day.  My IC has been ousted.  I have an inner good parent/friend that I can always count on for support, wisdom and love.  But it feels like it's not enough.  It feels like I do need some minimal level of face-to-face, one-on-one, close human contact or I just ache in the center of my soul all the time.  I wonder if when a person is totally healthy and whole if they don't ever need anybody else and feel just fine.  If the problem is inside of me, that would be a good thing because I can definitely count on myself.  But if I really do need others, that makes me feel anxious and traumatized because that never works out, always leads to pain and the need to detach.

I'm grateful to have this place to share about this.  I feel so sad, down, anxious, such anguish and despair right now.  Thank you for reading my sad words.  I'm open to feedback.

[schrödinger's cat]

All the hugs in the world, Rrecovery.     

I could relate to several parts of your story. It's only recently dawned on me that most of my friendships have ended badly. Of the people I was fondest of, three died - which, given how few friends I have, is a startlingly high number. Of the rest, four people broke things off because I was in trouble and would have needed support, and my role before had been to support them. Then there was one friend who just became distant and stopped contacting me. The rest just petered out. Aaand... that's it.

So now, I'm living like a hermit crab. I know I've got to go and find friends. But a large part of my subconscious remembers my previous friendships and goes: "Find friends?! Are you nuts?!!"

So your questions about loneliness are more or less like my own questions about loneliness.

One thing I wonder: what do you think, this persistent, agonizing emotional pain about being lonely - is that about the present or is it a flashback? Or both?

[Rrecovery]

Hi Cat and thank you for your reply    Reading it yesterday helped me feel better and work went well.  Having three good friends die does sound like a lot.  Like you I've weeded out fair weather/ non-mutual friendships.  There are different kinds of self-esteem: personal self-esteem, sexual self-esteem, social self-esteem.  I have the first two but not so great on the social.  I do well with people as in socializing, but cultivating and maintaining good friendships has not been my strong suit; I see my lack of good friends is "proof" of this.  Yet I know that I'm a good friend, good person, a safe person, a fun person, a deep person, someone with much to offer.  And it's also true that I am a traumatized person with sadness and disappointment very present within me.  Perhaps this overrides all my good social qualities and makes connecting with healthy, available people very difficult.  Yet, I know I must keep trying, even though I REALLY don't want to. 

When I read your post I thought that if you, such a wonderful, bright, giving, caring person are in the same boat as me, then maybe I too have social value even though at 56 I have no close, available friends.  Thank you Cat.  Your post meant a great deal to me.  Today, I feel sad but not depressed.  I appreciate you 

[schrödinger's cat]

That was such a kind thing to say. Thanks, Rrecovery. 

Hm, about why we don't have friends... in my country, we have a word for when you're afraid of entering into a new situation that's as yet unfamiliar to you and that might be a teensy bit challenging. It translates as "threshold-fear". So I have threshold-fear when it comes to getting to know new people, because I'm rather self-conscious a lot of times. The second threshold is when I get to the stage where we'd really become friends, or close friends. I'm afraid they'll realize how awful I am and leave. So during each of those stages, I'm probably withdrawing and detaching without even noticing it: simply because that's what I do when I'm nervous. And other people might interpret my nervousness and tension as resentment or something. I'm usually not even aware of it, but I look quite grim and grumpy when I'm feeling tense. A bit like Wednesday Addams, just even grumpier. So I can see how that might discourage people.

[Rrecovery]

Yesterday I ended a "friendship" with someone who said they considered me their best friend.  Two years ago, after my divorce I began struggling with a pretty profound depression.  A big aspect was feeling so profoundly alone after 18 years of marriage.  This "best friend" became MIA but continued to answer emails and texts in a way that made it seem like they'd love to see me but were just so busy...  This has been going on for 2 years!  I was feeling like if I ended the relationship I would feel more alone, like the idea that I had a friend was keeping me sane.  I must be getting stronger because I decided that having this pseudo-"friend" was doing me more harm than good.  So I emailed a kind but direct/honest break-up letter.  They responded, and admitted to withdrawing from me for a couple of reasons (one being me not supporting their relationship with an abusive, narcissistic person) and said they should have communicated their feelings to me.  Yeah, it would have been nice.  I was a friend that had been "there" for them a great deal, until I realized they were a compulsive mooch and set boundaries around it.  Maybe that's where things took a down turn.

I have this theory that in order to have people "you want" in your life, you have to say "no" to the people "you don't want."  I keep identifying and setting boundaries with people I don't want in my life.  I keep pursuing people I do want in my life (without success thus far).  But I have to say, "go me,"  I appreciate my tenacity, sticking to my guns and persevering in the face of apparently terrible odds.  If I have to go it alone, that's how it shall be.  I'm good to myself, loving, fair - and we're very compatible 

If any of this feels off feel free to set me straight, I take correction rather well. 

[wingnut]

Rr...sounds like this friendship turned into an empty shell and you've made the right choice if you ask me. Being honest and straightforward can be tough and you are a strong person for taking this road. There are loving and nurturing people out there though at times it seems they're hiding under bushes and rocks. Keep the faith. You will connect. We deserve to be picky.

[Rrecovery]

Thank you Wingnut!!!  So encouraging and affirming to hear     

[voicelessagony2]

Wow this thread resonates so much with me right now. I'm very much friend-less right now; although there are people I talk to regularly, I don't feel very close to any of them. I don't feel the desire to spend time with them at all.

Rr, like you, I have ended a friendship with someone who has been my "best friend" for years... I did not announce it like you did, I just stopped reaching out to her in any way to hang out like we used to. She has stopped as well, but she is moving away to another state soon and I guess it's a non-issue now. I just decided that I need better friendships, and I don't have the patience or energy to be in any more one-way arrangements. She does all the talking about subjects of her choosing, most of which is gossip about other people. I cannot talk about my issues without the invalidating dismissive "Oh everybody has trauma, you're no different than anybody else."

So, I am in the same situation as you and Cat. I have no friends, and I am struggling to find people that I have some important things in common with. I also feel that healthy, successful people would have no interest in me, and I would not know how to interact with them. I feel socially retarded, like my social abilities were stunted in childhood and I never learned how to connect with people in a healthy way.

One root cause of this I do know now. In addition to childhood neglect, I also had a best friend all through junior high and high school that the friendship ended permanently as a result of my indiscretion with a huge scandalous secret she told me, near the end of our last year of high school. I have never forgiven myself to this day.

So I also have a long trail of broken friendships behind me. I am now trying to learn how to pick better people and hang onto them.

[Rrecovery]

BeHealthy Thank you so much for your wonderful encouragement.  I do fear that this is will be a "forever" thing, nice to hear your perspective 

[Rrecovery]

Hi VA2, I can relate to feeling socially retarded, that's what my sibs and I say about our parents, and darn if they didn't teach us the worst ways to interact and "connect."  I've spent many years developing social competence and overcoming social anxiety. 

I hear that we are both done with inequitable/non-mutual "friendships"  good for us both - you gotta start somewhere and saying "no" to unhealthy, unsatisfying friends is a start.

I hear your pain and self-judgment over your indiscretion     I hope you can forgive yourself.  I hurt a lot of people with my social/relationally "retarded" ways; I was doing the best I could at the time.  Looking back I have compassion for myself because I really wasn't capable of doing better, and that behavior wasn't "me"  it was the early toxic programming that was imposed on me.

How brave are we to be a part of this forum?    How brave are we to keep forging ahead with wanting to connect and taking risks?     How fortunate are we to find this safe, nurturing place where new friends understand, resonate and encourage?   

[Kizzie]

How brave are we to be a part of this forum?    How brave are we to keep forging ahead with wanting to connect and taking risks?     How fortunate are we to find this safe, nurturing place where new friends understand, resonate and encourage?   

I love what you have written Rrecovery - we are brave!  Kudos for your courage and to everyone who has posted in this thread in trying to find a path to health and well-being.   

[Rrecovery]

I don't know if this is progress or a regression but I have decided to stop seeking after a relationship or friends.  I sort of feel like I've given up.  At the same time, I think that perhaps I need to focus on myself and do some more healing before pursuing relationships.  Since I left my marriage I have been obsessed with finding a lover and making friends; just terrified of being alone and feeling so lonely.  At the moment I don't feel lonely.  I feel like I just want to do my own thing.  I want to be free of the stress of trying to relate to people when inside I'm so sad.  Both knees are disabled right now so I can't really do much and it's causing me to be very depressed.  I'm just tired of faking my way through "being friendly"  "meeting new people" and "dating."  I'm an unhappy person who has no interest in Life.  That's the truth and I'm tired of pretending otherwise.

Perhaps this time really will be healing, because I'm focusing on myself instead of running from myself through desperate attempts to make friends.  My intention is to try to reconnect more deeply with myself and try to attend to the issues, thoughts and beliefs that are causing me to be such an unhappy person.  I'm still in therapy, and will continue to interact with my sister (who's in recovery).  Maybe I just need to rest, less pressure.  This is either a good thing or not; time will tell.