Dimmer switch

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi everyone. I've had something today, and I'm trying to decide what it is. It doesn't sound like a flashback, but it responds like one.

My mother came to visit yesterday, and our interaction was as usual - not too bad, but not good either. It's nothing like the stories I hear from people here about their mothers, oh my goodness no, and so I'm quite aware of how fortunate I am. But the fact still remains, we're not close, she can't see me, she treats me as though I were her past self, and if I don't fit into that pattern, she reacts in rejecting/defensive/critical ways.

And today, things were weird. It was like someone had hit a dimmer switch for everything. I wasn't motivated to do anything. I felt tense, I kept having this weird itch; I just felt uncomfortable in my own skin, literally so. I found nearly everything pointless, even things I usually like doing. I felt at once lethargic and antsy. It wasn't bad enough to have me go "ah ha! emotional flashback!". I'm not at all sure what this even was. I felt as if everything was normal, I was fine - I was simply just foggy-minded, emotionally numb and utterly without any motivation to do anything. (Coming to think of it, I suppose that only qualifies as "fine" if you've got CPTSD... talk about low standards....)

I got better once I realized what about my mother's behaviour had triggered which past memories, and once I had grieved about that a little.

Does anyone else ever get that? What do you think this is, just normal frustration, an EF, or something else?

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, BeHea1thy.    That felt very encouraging. 

It's frustrating how easily those things can creep up on me. Maybe I should start routinely checking myself for mild EFs, the same way I'm patting down my pockets to see if I've got my keys and my phone.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hm, I don't know. Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, I know, so who knows where precisely she is on this scale. But I don't think she has it. Right now, my best guess is that her life made her less able to truly connect to people. She shares this with much of her generation. They used to be all "no no we're fine, nothing to see here... why yes, we were children during the war, but we're fine, others suffered, not we", and we believed this, of course. And then we all thought: "hng, why are my parents so strangely aloof and yet constantly worried, hmmmm..." So it's wide-spread, hereabouts. And my generation seems to have a strong co-dependent streak - we want to keep our parents from worrying, we want to make them feel safe and happy, in a way that our parents' generation (for example) didn't feel about their parents.

So it's easier for me, because dealing with a narcissist sounds like they're meatgrinders - if you reach out to them, you'll get shredded.

It's also harder. How do you justify going LC to someone who's only passing on what she was given? She suffered so much. And she's a good woman - I learned a lot from her that now aids me in my recovery, ironically enough. But it's still true that she played her part in my traumatization. Both are true at the same time. I'm trying to see her as my own personal koan.

I'm now trying to make our contact about chitty-chatty topics, and to keep my personal affairs out of it... because she can be rewarding to talk to, and she has a great sense of humour, and I still truly like her... but then something happens. For example, I'm suggesting we go have a cup of coffee sometime just to chat, and she gets this hunted, cornered look: "Oh *, how do I get out of this one?!" - and obviously that's less pleasant. She has put me firmly on her list of "female relatives I must parent who are over-emotional and problematic". (I think by now that she's projecting things onto me that stem from her relationship to her many younger sisters, whom she parented.) My response for a long time has been to try and prove how VERY easygoing I am, to demand nothing and give much... which I sadly failed at, but it was what I felt obliged to do.

And in this way, I relate very well to what you write about your radio station. Mine has songs just like yours. I feel for you. 

By the way, I tried something out today. Whenever I started feeling uneasy (or numb), I asked myself: "Which situation from my past does this situation remind me of?" - and so far, so good. It seems a workable method to try and detect mild flashbacks before they become less-mild flashbacks.

[somnambulist]

I experience exactly this, waves of it off and on.  I like the idea of checking for mild EFs like patting down pockets for keys - there's power in shining light on things.

I've always been an adrenaline junkie, ever since I can remember - it's one of my adaptations.  So when I'm confronting stress head on I feel empowered to do something about it.

But when that stress lurks below the surface and I don't analyze it and identify it as stress, it chips away at me and takes its toll on me.  I think this dimmer switch is an early warning sign - something's wrong, stop and assess and make sure to frame things appropriately.  It's a sign that it's time to ground and center yourself.  At least, that's what I tell myself.

[Butterfly]

Cat, I didn't get to read in detail the follow up post. The opening post sure sounds like one of those fuzzy flashbacks I had said a while ago I have trouble identifying. It's not like the full-blown panic attack but it's something.

I don't know what to call my mother either but The relationship is toxic for me. On the one hand she's engulfing to th point she doesn't know where she ends and I begin, on the other hand she could be punishing passive aggressive if her mood is such. Or if I have not complied with her wishes. Other times she could be a really fun lady to be with, I never know from moment to moment who might show up.

Like you I know she's only doing what she knows how to do. My therapist said that's my family's love language and I just don't speak that language anymore. I'm learning a lot from my therapist on honest communication that doesn't violate medium chill. So it feels from my perspective anyway that my interactions with mum are less triggering and easier for me. I can still see her seething with anger under the surface but it's easier for me just to realize we just don't speak the same language and that's fine.

[schrödinger's cat]

On the one hand she's engulfing to th point she doesn't know where she ends and I begin, on the other hand she could be punishing passive aggressive if her mood is such. Or if I have not complied with her wishes. Other times she could be a really fun lady to be with, I never know from moment to moment who might show up.

That sounds like my mother. Maybe they were separated at birth?

I'm using Medium Chill, too. We don't talk about my own personal concerns anymore, just about safe topics. So far, so good.

[Butterfly]

Good, it helps. Therapist uses the term 'catch phrases' that contribute but don't give information. Stuff like 'wow that's something' she doesn't call it MC but that's what it is. Every week I have a few key to do items and it's fine tuning all I've learned here and on OOTF. It's getting me over the top of this mountain. It felt for a while I was stuck on a ledge, no way up and sure as heck not heading back down!

Others fear of abandonment is strong and she's helping me find ways of spending time without it consuming me or walking away triggers and damaged. She said it's like a game, they can play their game, I can choose to step into it, play or not play, observe, spend time and then step away and not take it with me.

DH and I agreed the other day no more conversation in our sanctuary about toxic people. We leave it at the door and be done with it. It's helping. they don't need free rent of space in my head. It doesn't need to consume my time.

T reinforced the idea of working on me (from OOTF toolbox) and shifting focus.

Sorry, don't know if this is all too way off topic but wanted to share in case it helps you a bit.

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, it does. Seeing it as a game hasn't occurred to me before, but that's precisely what it is, isn't it? A game with its own set of rules and a very predictable outcome. ... (Now I'm getting the mental image of being fleeced in a game of poker.)  It's a good mental image to use. I could try use that during my 13 steps - you know, when I'm reminding myself that I'm safe: it's just a game now, only a game I can walk away from or observe for a while, I'm not stuck in it anymore.

Glad to hear you're moving forward!   

I am, too, I think. Simply just identifying these dimmer switch thingies has made me more aware of them, and that obviously makes it finally possible to deal with them. 'Possible', not probable, sadly enough. It's still hard, and I don't catch them all, and I get ones that last for days (URK), but every little helps, doesn't it? Every single time I catch one, even if it's after two days, I feel like dancing with joy.

[Butterfly]

Dancing with joy is good and also realizing what it is and what is happening at least it can be handled. Better than not knowing at all.