Frightened Of My Own Mind

[Wildfire]

Hello everyone,

I've had C-PTSD for maybe 8 months or so. Recently, I've started getting bad anxiety and panic attacks. They normally happen when I don't feel safe. But I get really worried I'm going crazy. Like I'll feel so * scared out in public and around people, my mind races like "what if someone harms me?".

My mind seems to make 'creepy' associations, that really upset me and make me worry if I am crazy and make me feel scared of my own mind . I worry about how dark it feels. I'm on holiday at the moment and I saw a guy on the beach put his finger to his mouth, and it reminded me of something a serial killer from a film would do. I then started get panicky like "why am I thinking such a horrible thought?' "this is something someone who is crazy would think" "do I think he's a serial killer?!" (am I crazy?) (it just kept escalating) and then I thought 'no I don't think so - but why is he doing that?!" Then my mind was just got flooded with fear and I felt such a panic and a need to run.

Strangers just make me feel so panicky and frightened sometimes - I feel like a visceral sense of fear around them and I wonder if they are safe, and sometimes this builds up into a panic attack. Other times I'm absolutely fine and I KNOW people are harmless. But my panic gets triggered when I have 'creepy' thoughts and associations coz I'm terrified it's a sign I am going crazy and then I feel frightened of people an hyper-vigilant, even on a rational level I know they can't hurt me - why do I feel so f*cking terrified around strangers and in new places? And then why does my mind sometimes think weird, creepy things?

I just feel flooded with fear, I'm so scared that I'm going crazy. I just feel hyper alert and like I might be harmed, frightened of people and like they aren't safe, but I kind of know it's irrational. This makes me so terrified that I am bat * crazy and having paranoid episodes.

I just find it so upsetting to not be in control of my mind - everything feels and looks creepy, frightening and ominous. And I just freak out that I am developing schizophrenia.

This panic mostly arose from serious jet lag and a very intense flashback (or something)/half nightmare where I felt like seriously in danger and like someone was harming me, when I was half asleep in bed, this then went into a full blown panic attack.

Please help, does anyone relate to this?

I'm frightened of what is in my own mind and the darkness, I hate the panic, I hate the terror, I hate feeling like people might harm me and I'm so worried that this means I am developing schizophrenia. When I calm down a bit, I know it's irrational but when the weird panicky thoughts start popping up - I just worry it's paranoia and I feel so panicked and scared.

Also, I don't get it, like I felt hurt a lot before the panic and depressed and out of control sometimes, but I didn't feel f*cking frightened all the time. Ugh, where is this all coming from?

It's weird though coz sometimes I feel fine, but I hate how creepy and frightening and mind and the world can look sometimes.

Please can someone help ? I had a panic attack about two hours ago so still quite panicked and freaked out (and sorry for any typos !).

[sanmagic7]

wildfire:  are you currently in therapy? is there someone you can call when you feel like this?  may i suggest, if you don't already have a therapist that you find one as soon as you can.  that is someone who can possibly give you the answers you are seeking.  there are tests that help determine types of mental illnesses, guidelines for those such as schizophrenia.

in the meantime, personally, i don't think you are crazy.  you are too lucid in your writing, too coherent in the way you put your thoughts together to form easily understandable sentences.  a truly crazy person is removed from reality in such a way as to not be able to make the sense that you're making as you've written your thoughts/feelings down.  it may feel like crazy because you are having thoughts/feelings that aren't normal for you, that don't normally come to mind.   

it sounds like, perhaps, going on holiday has given your brain a rest from being busy with all your everyday work, like job, chores, errands, bills, etc. and because it's not busy the way it's used to, it's just gone in other directions.  learning that one is suffering with c-ptsd can be a big blow to the mind with all its ramifications, all the many levels of your conscious and unconscious that are affected, all the stored thoughts and feelings that have been kept intact as you go about your daily routine.  add jet lag, a new and different environment, people you don't know who are around you in a different scenario than you're used to, different food, different schedule, different bed, even, and that can knock the socks off anyone for a day or two.  put c-ptsd on top of all that and you have the makings of a mind-blowing experience, so to speak.

and, if what i've written makes any sense to you, if you can understand it, you're not crazy.

[Three Roses]

Wildfire - hello! As sanmagic said, I don't think you're crazy. That all sounds very familiar to me - the "what if" scenario gaining ground and then running amok in my head.
You might want to Google "catastrophization", I know John Bradshaw had some insightful things to day. Good to have you here <3

[Kizzie]

Hi Wildfire and a very warm welcome to OOTS     Sometimes our mind gets away from us when we have CPTSD, that's part of the disorder unfortunately.  So many of us have been where you're at so hopefully you can take some comfort in knowing that it isn't you, but symptoms of the disorder at work. 

It's odd to think of these symptoms as part of how we have learned to survive because they feel so awful, but they did help us to get through past trauma.  At some point though they become debilitating as you are finding and so we very need to find ways of dealing with that past trauma which continues to drive us until we process it. Being here and reading and posting will likely help as you won't feel quite so alone or different and can talk about how you developed CPTSD, what is happening because of it, etc. - people here get it.  Also, as Sansmagic suggests if you don't have a therapist that might be something to look at as well. If you can find a T who has training and experience treating trauma, specifically CPTSD (versus just PTSD), so much the better.

Again, welcome and keep on posting, it can help

[ericafaye]

Hi Wildfire,

I can so relate to this! I know how crazy it makes you feel. When In was in my 20's, I was terrified of going crazy, especially of schizophrenia. I think the underlying fear is that you might go crazy, so your mind invents all these weird and wild "validations" for your fear. It's horrible and it feels like your mind is sabotaging you. I once had the fear, for weeks, of spontaneous combustion, lol! I can laugh about it now, but at the time the fear was very real and kept me in a cold panic state. Then I started to fear hearing voices in my head. I never did, but the fact that I was so fixated on the fear was almost debilitating. I had many more scenarios like these over the years and I perfected the art of pretending I was fine, even while in the middle of a full-on panic episode. I could be smiling on the outside and laughing at someone's joke and on the inside I was in a cold sweat and screaming.

Just remember: crazy people don't worry about going crazy. If you're worried about it, you're not crazy!!

Blessings,
Erica

[Ren]

Hey Wildfire,   A couple of thoughts that have helped me...

If you can get a concept of the inner child, I have found this soooo helpful.  What it is like is mothering yourself.  It is very calming for me.  I don't know if you have your own children or not so you may not have that much practice at the mothering.  Still, it is a reassuring way to quiet the mind by being your own bestie, or mother image.
There's a tiny frightened person inside who just needs your support and you can make a difference.

Another way I find useful is to go somewhere quiet and interrogate that frightened voice.  Who is it ?  Well let them have it both barrels....yell, rant and scream if you have to.... off !!!!! How dare that person/voice  interfere in your life!   

[woodsgnome]

I've never found any foolproof way to stop thoughts entirely; they...happen regardless of any effort to stop or fully control them. While I don't feel good about this, I've come to a point where I can accept them better, especially if I can visualize them in a different way. What I've found works well is to use a nature metaphor--the image of a waterfall--which tends to calm me down a bit and softens the torrent of all those freaky thoughts rattling my brain.

First, I just imagine the mind as a steady, powerful waterfall--the water (thoughts) tumbles down in a steady stream too powerful to resist. But...I picture myself near or even under the falls.

There, while I can do nothing to stop the crashing of the falls, I can observe the water passing downstream, out of sight. Like thoughts, the water comes quickly and heads off just as fast. Afterwards, I'm still there; the waterfall keeps cascading, still roaring (with new thoughts).

At the base of the falls there rises a slight mist or fog. Perhaps there's even a gentle pool that forms beside the main flow. That's where I picture the leftover water vapor in an almost mystical light, representing my inner self, left only with a refreshing remnant of that once pounding stream of water (thoughts).

To me, battling the thoughts as they come is as impossible as trying to stop that waterfall. It's not like I give in to the roaring thoughts, but the image I've described helps me to accept that the thoughts pass; like the leftover vapor, they can be transformed, and pleasant changes can replace the roar that seemed so overpowering and destructive to all in its path. Who knows, a rainbow might even develop in the aftermath.

[Oakridge]

I have been going through a bad bout like you describe in the past few days. It truly is scaring me, but  i am also embarrassed by things i have said in a public way. Sadly the embarrassment then continues to trigger the bout i am having. It is such a vicious cycle and i am so tired of these bouts.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you for sharing I have had a day as you describe today and the feeling of not being in control just escalates the anxiety/ fear more
It's horrible ...
Off to bed now - tomor another day and I pray that I wake in better mental health
Blessings to you

[Missingmermaid]

Hi.

I completely understand the feelings and associations leading to another to another and so on. I think the previous poster was correct in our mind trying to find validation in our fear, like a reassurance we aren't crazy. (I am in my rational mind at the moment and need to remember this during a panic attack) I am scared I'm going insane. Part of my life is wonderful and I don't want to lose it. I am keeping it together for the most part, but deeper into therapy I get i feel worse and more off balance than when i just ignored everything. I'm the strong stable one in my family and group of friends and at work. I'm starting to slip and lag on tasks and other things that need to get done. I also have ADHD. For the first time in my life i am literally walking in circles some days. The world doesn't stop for us to process and it sucks. But if that happened I think I would lose it completely.

I hate unsought attention. I used to be able to talk to anyone and have made great friendships on busses and traveling. I can't do that anymore. Although I am hypervelligent I am scared i will miss something because oh look a squirrel or f**k a random flash back. I wish I had better answers for you. I do not think you are crazy though

[sanmagic7]

missingmermaid:  it's very common to feel more unsettled the deeper you go into therapy, but that won't last forever.  your mind is making shifts, adjustments, alterations to your perspective, your perceptions, your world view, and how you see yourself in the midst of all this.  it will all come together - i've been there and seen it in both myself and my clients. 

i think one of the most helpful things we can do while we're in the middle of the muck is to be patient with ourselves.  we'll be 'messy' at times, we won't always deal with our issues elegantly, we'll make mistakes as we find our way through this swamp - but, it's all part of the process of going through the door and making it to the other side.  one foot in front of the other.  hang in there everybody - we're all hanging with you!

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

I too, can relate to this.
I really don't like retreating into my mind (like who I am in my soul), doing so only when I'm on one of my flashbacks.
I can't stand crowded places, and recently I have developed physical reactions to being in certain settings.
I get hot and cold, start shivering, my startle reflex is set to high gear (seriously, one of my leaders came up beside me and placed her hand on my shoulder and I jumped), and I get exhausted easily.

Is it also weird that I can play out distressing scenes in my head?
I never went through any physical abuse, yet these disturbing scenarios continue.

Thank you to anyone who can answer this.

[sanmagic7]

i think going thru all this is a mind-full adventure; not always fun, not always exciting in a good way.  my deepest fear is of going insane, losing my mind, and there have been times when i've felt very close to that, which has scared the crapola out of me.  i do believe that as we continue in recovery, our minds keep adjusting to our new information, new realizations, and new thought processes - and sometimes they bring up stuff to our consciousness ideas, visuals, feelings that are uncomfortable because they don't always make sense. 

i'm going thru some of this right now, having weird dreams, feeling strange in my own skin.  i want to believe that this, too, shall pass, as has so much else.  hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

Thanks sanmagic7.
We've all got this! 

[Eyessoblue]

I have this too it's especially worse when I'm feeling extra stressed or worried about something.
I get so shaky I can feel my whole body shaking and come over either freezing cold or boiling hot. Then I start to disassociate  and lose where I am completely, I see people speaking but can't hear the words then I come back to reality and it's like the light has switched back on but I have to take a few moments to find where I am. I know what I want to say but I can't get the words out and end up saying something totally irrelevant to the conversation and people look at me like I'm a crazy person, that's when I feel like I've lost my mind completely!