Hello - new nervous and determined. May trigger?

[Mizmia]

Hello.  Just located this board.  Was recently diagnosed as C-PTsd. 46 yo Childhood survivor of severe emotional and physical abuse from mom, attempted suicide at 18 and 24.   Therapy for depression and moved on.. married for 10 years to verbally & emotionally abusive man. He left me four years ago and I just shattered - I've been frozen for four long horrible years, can't work.. I changed therapists two months ago, changed my meds and I am trying my best.  Since then - I've gone NC with my mom, started yoga, and research.  I now am not completely numb but am even more terrified because I can see and feel this gigantic hole I dug for myself.  I shake almost all the time and am working recognizing my emotions - I'm crying everyday and feel awful and broken..  This is good because it means I am healing and moving forward but it's awful to be this stressed all the time.. I feel despair at going so slowly in my becoming a whole person.  I need to be able to work, I need to be able to concentrate enough to finish a basic task like laundry without it taking three days, I need to be able to leave my house for something other than just basic needs like food... I've lost almost all my friends but one  in the course of my marriage - she is far away.  My mom was my only local support, but she had a narc meltdown as soon as I started getting a little better this month - had to go no contact because I think otherwise it may be the straw that breaks the camels back and puts me into the funny farm..  I am alone as I sent my daughter to military school so she wouldn't watch me implode - she comes home in dec as I am out of money...I have been living off the equity in my house and it's gone - so sink or swim time. ...ironically it's that I ran out of money and had to go on Medicare that facilitated my move to a new therapist and a new diagnosis... So a ray of hope..  Still scared as *, overwhelmed, alone and desperate to heal as quickly as I can before I loose my house and then my child to my abusive ex because I can't care for her. Funny how you can be so alone in such a big city like ******** but I am. 

[Rain]

   to you, Mizmia.   A big hug.

You have found a very good place to land, and so much of what I see in what you write, I have found in this forum.   So, you likely will too.

You will like see yourself here.   You will find support, if and when you want to share.

I am sad, and sorry what you have gone through in your past.   I do hope you can work with your therapist on finding workable solutions for you right now.

Many of us here have found help from Pete Walker's web site www.pete-walker.com which has many very helpful articles, and his book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving.   You may not be in a space right now for reading ...but know it is there and you are not alone.

Your symptoms make sense.   Very human reactions to a tough abuse of you.

Breath.   Your therapist can help, others there in Seattle can help ...ask.    We can be support and a place you can share which will help you a lot.

I personally understand that "three days for basic things like laundry" ...it's okay.   This is not forever.

We understand.   

[Mizmia]

Thank u. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Mizmia, pleased to meet you. I hope you'll find something helpful here. I'm sad to hear that your circumstances are putting you under such enormous pressure right now. Kudos to you for going NC with your mother - even given how abusive she is, that can't have been entirely easy. I hope that the wind will soon be at your back again.

[somnambulist]

Oh Mzmia, first of all a big hug.  You've been through * but you still have your spirit intact.  No one and nothing can take that away from you, even on the most dire of days when everything feels splayed and splintered far apart.

Just know you're not alone, we're here, and many of us are fighting similar battles and can relate.  You are always welcome here.

I can relate to that feeling of being terrified at a giant hole you dug for yourself, and it's helping me somewhat to acknowledge that where I am is objectively neither bad nor good but simply where I am.  However I got here is just that - however I got here.  And how I choose to act and live right now is my choice.

You are not encumbered by the past, no matter how heavy it feels in your heart when you look back.  It's liberating to know that you are perfect as you are right now, lovable and worthy as you are right now, and you're not alone.  And half the reason I say these things to you is because I'm also learning to say these things to myself.  The hurt you feel is real, but don't think for one second it has the power to prevent you from living your life to the fullest.  You have the power to decide, even on the days you don't feel like you do.