It's Time ~Trigger

[Pixelpixiestick]

So, as all of you clearly know, there comes a point in time where you need to connect with other people, and the intensity of just doing your day to day routine (which you still don't know how to manage) becomes too much to handle. I can't do this on my own anymore, and I need help. I grew up in a very violent, psychologically and physically abusive environment. My first memory is of my mother slamming my grandmother's head onto our kitchen table and the horrible sound of pain she let out as she held her wounded face. I was three years old. My mother and her parents raised me, all insane people, pulling guns out on one another, dragging people around by their hair, using religion as a manipulative tool to justify their insanity. i saw my mother put a loaded gun in her mouth, threatening to kill herself (usually with me to blame) on several occasions. As an 8 year old girl, I would take the billets out of her gun and hide them. I've been punched, slapped, spit on, clawed, degraded, threatened, tormented, caged, forced to say racist slurs, and somehow I'm alive. Oh, I forgot to mention my mother's pill addiction, narcissism,paranoia, prejudice against religions, sexual orientation, skin color, ethnicity, etc, she refused to let me see my father growing up, listening on the landline during each conversation, she made me tell my dad I didn't want to see him, and I of course obeyed; he had no idea until I told him about one particular fight that made me realize I had no other alternative but to leave for my own survival. I was a few months shy of turning 18 at this point. My mother also visited a serial killer for years to get info to write a "book" so she could make a "movie" and be on the red carpet. My dad bought me a car when I was 16. He was afraid my mom would take it as her own so he put it in my grandfather's name, who then sold it; my mom and her dad both like narcotics. So, my only means of escape was sold out from underneath me. I wasn't allowed to do anything growing up. I lived in a poor neighborhood where most people were too afraid to call the cops on my family (my cousin was the sheriff, my grandfather a co, and my uncle a retired homicide detective who actually caught the serial killer my mother visited for 4 or 5 years until she attended his execution), not only because of our ties, but most were doing illegal drugs and other illegal things. My mother threatened to kill herself if I left her side (for any reason), or if I rode on a roller coaster, if I wanted to see my dad, see a movie, hang out with any friend. I had a boyfriend that she didn't know about (for obvious reasons) and I told her. She immediately accused me if being whore and destroyed everything in the house, hit me of course, cried and screamed that she was going to kill him and she couldn't go to jail. All the while, she was constantly moving. When she would sit she would rock back and forth, arms around her stomach, just screaming and acting like she was going to jail, because she was actually going to kill him. I thought she would lose it eventually, she'd finally snap and shoot someone, maybe even herself. My grandfather ended up pulling a gun on her andy grandmother, saying he was about to kill us all then shoot himself. I was in the next room listening (she had been pulled off of me, and I was then told to stay), waiting for the first shot. No one died. My mother blamed me, "look what you did, over a f***ing *******) she made me sleep in her room that night. She would spring up screaming for minutes on end and shouting about killing him and herself and going to jail, destroying more things that had yet to have been broken. After I eventually got out of that mess. My dad tried to help me cope with my past by having me get a job and go to church. I never saw a therapist. He did what he thought was right. He doesn't get it. I made a lot of bad decisions that led to a lot of alcohol, bad boyfriends, and a rape which led to a pregnancy and secret abortion) so.. I'm f***ed for life. I hated myself to begin with, and a fee years ago, I killed a life; if there's a * .. I must be in it. I don't know how to function. I have the double life of normal human by day and psychological time bomb by night. I've hidden pain all my life. It's oddly natural.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Pixelpixiestick, and welcome to this forum. I hope you'll find something helpful here.

I don't even know what to say. The amount of abuse you described is staggering. You sound like you're still very young? Hang in there. It's going to be hard for a long while, but things do get better. Have you any possibility of finding a good therapist, or is that out of the question? I agree with you - simply just starting what's generally called a "normal life" isn't going to fix anything, not when things were THAT messed up for THAT long. This isn't like you went on holiday and maybe your next-door hotel-room neighbours were a little weird. This was your family, and you couldn't escape, and it went on for years and years. This was your whole life. What you've gone through afterwards - the "bad decisions" you mentioned - were normal reactions to a highly abnormal situation. Aftershocks, maybe. I guess everyone here has some story of how they got into a bad situation because of their sh*tty past. If you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you learn dysfunctional social skills, you have no idea about what is or isn't normal when it comes to relationships and boundaries and suchlike, you're cut off from your own feelings, sometimes even from your own opinions, and any trigger can potentially send you into a tailspin. We're most of us like that, or we've been like that. It's not a fault of character. It's not your fault at all. It's an injury. You were hurt really badly, over and over again.

Now, that might not sound like the cheeriest thing ever. But injuries can be healed, and missing skills can be learned, so there's hope.

Did you see our sister site yet? It's called Out Of The Fog, and it's written for people who have to live with people who have a personality disorder. Tons of information there. Of course, I have no idea at all whether or not your parents have a PD, but maybe it's a possibility? Several people here on this forum had narcisstic parents, for example. What you said about your mother's behaviour made me remember something called antisocial personality disorder, there's a description of it on OOTF.

Many of us have found a book by therapist Pete Walker very helpful. There's a link to it on his website, but there are also many free articles there. One of them is about managing flashbacks, for example.

I hope things will become more bearable for you soon. Honestly, I'm just relieved to hear that you managed to leave your mother's family. That can't have been easy to pull off - kudos to you!

[keepfighting]

Hi, pps,

nice to meet you! I'm glad you found your way here.

You've had quite a rough time and no mistake. It's nothing short of a miracle that you've survived all that.

Are you in a safe place now?  Are you still in contact with you FOO?

Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about 'choices' that were forced on you by circumstances. It sounds like you've been conditioned to take responsibility for the weather and blame yourself if it wasn't the kind of weather your mother (or one of your other tormentors) wished for...

I hope you'll find peace and support here. 

kf

[Pixelpixiestick]

Thanks for the response. I needed to have someone respond who can empathize. I am still young. I left that house 6 years ago, and I've never been back. I'll be 24 in a couple of months now. I've just now started feeling like me again, and I can't function mentally. I've been becoming more stable throughout the years, trying to find guidance, but unfortunately I do not have the means to afford a therapist. I keep feeling like I'm getting close to "home", and then realize that I don't know what that word means. Like you said: you don't know how you should be treated, what your expectations should be, or what flavor ice cream you want. I have a boyfriend I've managed to keep for a few months shy of 3 years, and we have total opposite upbringings. He was extremely privileged, expensive schools, european vacations, etc., and we have nothing in common other than a love for music, and he had the purest heart, but he can't be what I need him to be right now (he's tired constantly and I'm receiving no physical affection) and I have to be okay with me and not depend on his affirmation.

I'm naturally intelligent, so intellectualization was another easy DM for me to utilize. I agree that she has a PD; I had to drop Psychology as my major because I was going to constantly try to figure out the diagnosis. It could be borderline, antisocial, narcissism, or maybe a combination? I still have no idea how or why I didn't fall into it. How did I not just go along with it since it was the only comfort I knew? I mean, she told me constantly that my dad abused her while they were together, which I believed when I was very young, but deduced that it was just a manipulative lie. I used to protect her. I was afraid to leave for so many years because I was convinced; I knew, that she would kill herself and possibly take my father out with her.

Now that I'm not longer guzzling liters of liquor constantly, I've found myself without people. I have a few friends, but I can count on one hand how many I trust. My story isn't something most people could handle hearing or even believe. Women my age aren't exactly the most friendly, grounded individuals. Music has been my only form of therapy. I write, a lot. I'm actually pretty talented, about 4 years ago, I learned I have a decent singing voice, and that's how I've been connecting. People are excited to talk to me after a performance. They give compliments which I still haven't figured out hoe to respond to. (I usually look away when I say thank you) it just feels weird to be doted upon in such a manor. It makes me feel like there might be another purpose for me (not meaning destiny wise but other than to protect my mother and stay alive).

How effective is medication for CPTSD? And thanks for the link. I'm definitely going to check out that site.

[schrödinger's cat]

I hear you about the difficulty of connecting with people. When I wasn't yet twenty-one, someone from my family died. And you'd think this is a simple thing for other people to process - it's a death, not a history of abuse or anything. But still, when we chatted and asked each other about our parents, I learned really quickly to gloss things over. People my age simply couldn't handle it. It was like watching a computer crash - blue screen of death, blank faces. One of my best friends at that time was almost in her seventies - finally someone who could relate.

I can't say anything about medication because I'm not taking any, but there's thread about it somewhere hereabouts? Got it: this one.

[Rain]

Welcome pps     

I hope you can breathe ...your one solid paragraph is like you are not taking a breath.

Yes, you grew up in a nightmare.   Cat brought up Pete Walker's book which is a terrific resource to work recovery through.   I hope there is a local social services in your area.

Most of all, you are out of the war zone ...you do not need to carry the war zone with you the rest of your life.     Create nurturing for yourself like you did not receive, and do slowly reach out to others to simply connect in easy, small ways.   No need to share the war. 

I am delighted you can sing ...so much healing can come through that.   Emotions flow out.   Sing out.

We are support here.   I look forward to your posts and sharing your Healing Journey.    Please know that God is loving.   Much harm can be wrapped in the false garments of "God" and the "Bible".

[Pixelpixiestick]

Thanks guys thanks for the responses. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think anyone can say what triggers another person, what really messes with their psyche and well being. I hope you are doing better now.

Rain, I think I will get that book. I need to relax and not try to solve everything instantly. That was one of those overwhelming, spastic times when I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle being awake by myself. I'm so thankful that I have found this forum. It's nothing short of a miracle. I've been in an overall good mood all day, and I haven't thought about finding a fire to put out. I'm physically exhausted from lack of sleep, but on the inside I'm dancing to a Jackson 5 song.

I know I'm not healed since yesterday, but I'm in recovery. It's going to be a roller coaster, but thank you for being there!

[Rain]

You got it, pps!   Slow down breathe, find fellow travelers on the same Journey.   Pete's book is a great roadmap to work through.

give yourself time, give yourself tender love and patience as you would any refuge coming out of a war zone. 

This is a Journey of emotions, of the heart, much less, much less of the intellect.

How you feel.  How your body feels.  How the little kid inside you feels, so very abandoned years ago.

Love, real love.   Yup.  It's time.

[somnambulist]

Pixelpixiestick, first of all, you're a *.  I can relate to your background more than I would like - and I've always use intellectualization to deal with things as well.  I have been lucky to be able to separate out what I've been experiencing from what it needs to mean to me psychologically, if that makes sense, and so I was always able to compartmentalize a great deal, even with the drugs, the violence the physical, mental, and sexual abuse.  It was every day of my life until I got away from the shithole I grew up in.

My twenties were hard, and I did the whole guzzling liters of alcohol thing and unfortunately got into a bunch of other stuff too.  Ended up with an opiate addiction and managed to kick that after a lot of fighting.  You have to hold on to your core and eventually, you have to recognize that it's not your fault and no matter how smart you are, some behaviors can't be rationalized.  I'm talking about the part of you that may or may not feel on the hook, mentally for the stuff you dealt with.  I mean you were living a contradiction - the people you loved that were supposed to love you were the people who were hurting you.  To stay, to endure what you endured, meant some part of you had to give up and shut down for a while.  But you are pulling through like a champ.

Bear with me if some of this is out of place - but I relate so strongly to what you're sharing that I'm almost writing this like I'm writing a letter to my 24 year old self.

You won't feel great all the time.  You may feel like you've always been fighting and that's all there is for you.  At least that's me projecting how I felt during my twenties.  Getting away from the abusive, oppressive environment was a huge step.  But somewhere along the way, just recognize that it's completely natural for you to have internalized a sense of shame or a critic.  It's possible that you feel like you have to be always on, always strong, and you might be really hard on yourself sometimes when you fall short of your high expectations for yourself.  This is a survival mechanism that you built for yourself.

But recognize this - you are more than just that part.  You're precious, valuable, whether you're on or off that day.  Everything you feel is fine, natural, and recognize that you are a survivor.  And also recognize, you have the tools to make the life you want.  You can do anything you want to do.  But you don't have to do it all today.

Sometimes your reach will exceed your grasp, and it's natural and okay to fall short some times.  Sometimes your desire to affect change and build the environment and connections you want will feel like the strongest most powerful need you have, but you'll feel held back and depressed.  And that's okay.  Recognize that sometimes with what we're experiencing, it's like getting pulled into a rip tide.  Fight hard against the rip tide and you'll just expend all your energy.  Give in, surrender, and conserve your energy, and you'll find the tide will carry you to calmer waters, from which you can tap into your reserves and swim back to shore.

This is a journey, and in some ways you are richer for all of the * you've seen.  In other ways, you were cheated.  But at the end of the day, you get to choose who you want to be and how you want to live, how you want to be you.  And whatever you choose is okay.

Thanks a lot for coming here and posting, I hope you'll be around more often.  I really care to hear how things are going for you as time goes by, you have such a bright future ahead of you.

[Rain]

Pixelpixiestick, first of all, you're a *.  I can relate to your background more than I would like - and I've always use intellectualization to deal with things as well.

somnambulist, I know the vast majority of your post was quite caring.   I find I am triggered by "labels" like the "*" one you started your post with.

Perhaps it is a "different generation" thing as I am in my 50s and "*" has all sorts of negative connotations for me.

I have been trying to figure out how to write this post, as I want both you, somnambulist and Pixelpixiestick to feel very welcomed and safe here.

Maybe Pixelpixiestick knows what you mean on "*" without the negative labeling bit.   But, it sure bothered me.   I DID read LOTS of caring messages in the post, somnambulist.   And, I do see you perhaps were addressing the "*" label to yourself when you were in your mid-20s.

Can we not use labels that can be seen as negative, even if meant for good?    I do not want that label for either somnambulist or Pixilpixiestick.

*, according to Google means "a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person"

I do not see either of you that way....

[schrödinger's cat]

Is that a word that has changed its meaning over time? This is interesting. (I like words.) From what I picked up, I had the impression that it means "someone who is daring and strong-willed and who gets things done". It seems to be used a lot by young people.

Do you think this is a formerly normal word that has now become slang? We have several such words in my language - for example one word that used to mean "inducing desire" and now means "great" - which certainly keeps on shocking the 80+ generation (who know the word in its original sense) when teeny tiny toddlers use it (who only know the new meaning and have no idea of where the word comes from). My own generation keeps on having to run interference.

[Rain]

Yeah, like I speculated "*" may mean different things to different generations, as I said in the post.

I search google for current meaning ...not a nice definition of someone.    And, people look at the OOTS forum to see if it is a "safe place"

Like you say, Cat, there are words that have former use that have a "good" use now ...within a group of people.   Within a certain group, it can mean a positive thing.   There are words in my industry that my co-workers understand as positive, but I would not use them on the OOTS forum as they could be seen as demeaning.

I love that you love words, Cat ...even words that are harmless persiflage.   

[somnambulist]

Yep, I meant something positive by the term *, not even realizing it can carry a negative connotation.  Sorry about making you feel bad Rain!  Thanks for letting me know it triggers a negative connotation, I'll avoid it going forward.  I think part of having a safe place like this is for people to feel comfortable raising corrections like you did, so thank you for being honest about it so I can make an adjustment.  I think this builds trust and I appreciate your openness.

And Pixelpixiestick, I meant to encourage you and convey that you are strong, you've overcome a lot, and you have a lot more strength in you that you have yet to tap into.  And just as BeHea1thy said, I hope you will consider finding a therapist when the time is right for you - for me that's been a really important part of my growth and reconciling internalized feelings of shame and guilt.

[Rain]

Thanks for your post, somnambulist!   Between yours and Cat's posts, I get it now.

I'm responsible for how I feel, so I needed to ask, to understand.   As you say, it builds trust.   Sorts out communication ...and how often did we have that in FOO??   

It is actually amazing with the OOTS forum, as we have so many age groups, from so many different places of healing, and backgrounds, from so many different countries.   We all do need to know English, however.

Thanks again, somnambulist.   And, Pixelpixiestick ...are you still with us at OOTS?   

[Pixelpixiestick]

Hey guys! I am still with you. I took the term as a compliment and appreciate it There is no need to apologize. I am going to try to find a therapist. I tried to find local cptsd groups, but it's as though cptsd isn't acknowledged.

My father bought some CDs for me. Midwest center cognitive therapy for rapid thought. I'm going to try that out as well. My dad doesn't really get it unfortunately. Yesterday he said I was acting like my mother after I asked him to please stop telling me I have to do thing all the time like major life changes. I told him I'm okay with not having a burning platform and it was just bad. When I try to tell him I need time on something he calls me a lazy procrastinator and if I'm upset by it, he calls me my mother. He even told me "okay so your mom was mean to you, big deal". He's in therapy right now for rapid thought and I know he doesn't mean harm, but this is gonna be a tough one.