not feeling so well adjusted anymore, may trigger

[somnambulist]

Hi, I just learned about c-ptsd and learned it applies to me.  My therapist (just started therapy recently, first time I'm giving it a chance) mentioned that and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified as possible labels.  I don't like the way labels make me feel, but thinking about and making myself aware of what the tools are for dealing with the symptoms described by these labels is helping, I guess.

I feel really detached, I wonder what's real and what's not real.  My brain feels so foggy and even though I know what I need to do at work to be productive and successful, I can't focus on work right now.  I haven't been able to for a few weeks.  I keep flashing back, keep feeling feelings I haven't felt in many years.

I tried to go to therapy years ago, described my life story and where I had made it by then, and at the end of the session the therapist said, "Well, you're surprisingly well adjusted."  And for a while that seemed true - I've been told by some others I'm the quintessential survivor.  Adaptable.  Strong, and can overcome anything.  But I don't feel so well adjusted anymore.

I honestly feel scared, untrusting, anxious all the time.  Lost.  Completely and utterly lost.  I don't know why I come to work except to hold on to a sense of familiarity.  But nothing seems familiar right now.

I've been told that there's something called an inner critic and I need to just "shut that fucker up," (not my therapist's advice, mind you), but I can't really hear any other voices right now.  I just feel insecure, like I'm failing, and like the only thing that makes me worthy of anything and gives me any value is my work, and I'm failing at that if I'm not concentrating.  Ergo I'm worthless.

And it feels like a fault of will, like I should be stronger, should be smarter, should try harder.  But on one hand I feel as though I'm trying my best, and on the other I don't know how to measure, how to know whether I'm on the right path or simply mistaking activity for progress.

And somehow, this isn't the conversation I end up having with my therapist - I somehow end up filtering these thoughts and giving the sense that I have more of a solid understanding of how broken this line of thinking is than I do.  So why can't I just shut everything up and act accordingly?  Why can't I just snap out of it again and act rationally?  I just feel like crying, but I don't feel like I have anywhere or anyway to do that right now.

I feel like I'm burdening the world somehow.  I don't like this feeling very much, and I'm sure it's not true.  People offer me support and praise, but I resent myself for wanting that or needing that in the first place.  And I second guess everyone's motives and I don't trust anyone.  I don't know how to take a step back, reset expectations, and move past this spot.

[Rain]

Welcome, somnambulist.     

Glad you found your way to the forum, and as you read the posts, you will see snippets of what you wrote in the experiences of others here.   Soooo, you are not alone.

CPTSD ...it is the symptoms you are dealing with, as a result of what happened to you ...not who you are.   

Also, please check out Pete Walker's web site www.pete-walker.com for his many excellent articles which may give you help right away.  Many are excerpts from his superb book, CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving which many of us use as a roadmap to healing here at the forum.

Please read Kizzie's Welcome post and the Guidelines, and please share wherever you feel you want to start to share.

Be encouraged!

[somnambulist]

Thanks Rain, I think education is going to help me the most.

I saw in another post a reference to the 4Fs, and I'm trying to soak up whatever I can learn.  When I self assess, I identify most with the descriptions of flight / freeze hybrid.  I really appreciate the resources anyway, it's not that the labels are making me feel confined or somehow changed - actually knowing the labels helps me learn ways to grow and hopefully change how I feel.  So I am encouraged, at least in this moment before that feeling slips away.   Thank you.

I'm trying to read up on managing flashbacks now from this link I saw in another thread: http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm  - hopefully this brings me some relief, right now I don't feel like I have any control over how I feel and it's really making it hard for me to work - which is sort of creating this self-reinforcing negative feedback loop that I need to consciously break.  I want to break it, I want to beat this feeling.  The really insidious thing about how I feel is that part of me feels like this isn't real, it's all made up, and I don't know why that is.  But I'm trying to force myself to think about it because I think letting myself just drift off and avoid dealing with these feelings is not really helping.

As for an actual bit of background about me, I experienced physical and emotional abuse my whole childhood by my dad, watched him hurt my brother even worse, and it's hard to talk about it all in detail so I won't push much more.  My mom was there the whole time but didn't intervene.  Separately she got sick early on and I had to take care of her, take care of everything at home.  I learned how to make people happy and focused on that, and I grew up feeling like my feelings didn't matter.

I had lots more traumatic experiences growing up and even after I left home at 16.  Sexual assault, rape.  I kept putting myself into bad situations and got taken advantage of.  But I put myself in a good place when I went in the Air Force, at least I thought, and it helped me have some structure which gave me a sense of relief and control.  But then I also struggled with that, I went to SERE training and experienced a psychological break in the course of going through resistance training, but I covered up the symptoms enough to push through.  I kept everything I was feeling inside because I was afraid of losing my opportunities.

Eventually I got kicked out of the Air Force because of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy.  So I had to figure out how to make it on my own.  I got lucky, got a good job,  and worked hard, then sort of became a workaholic - I was good at what I do and the praise was gratifying, and it kept me from thinking about how I felt too much.  But I did this so long I forgot how I felt and I just got used to always fighting and pushing.

My life situation has changed recently in some ways, and I've never felt as safe as I do now - and it feels like the safety is causing me to turn inward and come apart at the seams.  I don't feel like I have a right to complain about where I am because I'm so much luckier and better off than so many people who struggle with what we're struggling with.  But I feel how I feel, so that's what I have to come to grips with I guess and sort it out.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Somnambulist, and welcome. Pleased to meet you. What you wrote sounds a bit familiar - I had experiences that were a little similar, first when I was in my teens, then again in the Noughties. That was NOT a good time at all. I'm sad that you're going through all this now. I can remember how frantic I felt - I wanted to solve these problems straight away, but I didn't know how... I put myself down for not being able to have better self-esteem... all the problem-solving strategies I read about or worked out on my own would have taken up energy, and I had none... I had massive trust issues, which a therapist might have been able to fix, but then again I didn't trust therapists either... it was a total maze.

That's one reason why I too can recommend Pete Walker's website. He de-pathologizes CPTSD, and describes it as a normal and healthy reaction to abnormal and toxic circumstances. That makes a difference. From what you're writing, you're tortured by this feeling that you're somehow failing to do something you should be able to do easily, or that you're subtly "wrong" for feeling the way you feel. Pete Walker has CPTSD, too, so he knows what he's talking about: his texts are informative, but also compassionate and fair. I found it a relief to read them. He knows what it's like.

And if you're like me, the distress about blaming and shaming yourself for your symptoms can sometimes produce such distress that it's almost as bad as the symptoms themselves. So if that improves even a little, it can be such a relief.

The really insidious thing about how I feel is that part of me feels like this isn't real, it's all made up, and I don't know why that is.

Could this maybe be a sign that your perceptions weren't validated when you were a child? So if one's parents constantly use euphemisms for what they're doing, whitewashing it and putting it in harmless terms when it really isn't, that can make you end up feeling like you can't rely on your own feelings and have to go double-check first. And then there are the bystanders, people who see you suffer and yet do nothing - that's another cognitive dissonance right there. I had huge problems with derealization when I was a teenager. It's better now. I'm now writing down the things I'm certain of, so I can read up on my own point of view in times when I'm feeling a bit more foggy-minded and doubtful. Unintentionally funny, I know, but it works a little.

Sorry for my bad English, I'm tired and can hardly see straight, but I wanted to answer this before tomorrow. I hope you'll find something helpful here, and I wish that things will get at least a little better for you soon. Hang in there!

[somnambulist]

The really insidious thing about how I feel is that part of me feels like this isn't real, it's all made up, and I don't know why that is.

Could this maybe be a sign that your perceptions weren't validated when you were a child? So if one's parents constantly use euphemisms for what they're doing, whitewashing it and putting it in harmless terms when it really isn't, that can make you end up feeling like you can't rely on your own feelings and have to go double-check first. And then there are the bystanders, people who see you suffer and yet do nothing - that's another cognitive dissonance right there. I had huge problems with derealization when I was a teenager. It's better now. I'm now writing down the things I'm certain of, so I can read up on my own point of view in times when I'm feeling a bit more foggy-minded and doubtful. Unintentionally funny, I know, but it works a little.

Sorry for my bad English, I'm tired and can hardly see straight, but I wanted to answer this before tomorrow. I hope you'll find something helpful here, and I wish that things will get at least a little better for you soon. Hang in there!

Your English is perfect (better than mine), and you are absolutely right - and thank you for taking the time to respond so quickly!  Really, I almost wanted to quote your entire post because it describes what I'm feeling in terms of the franticness and the "why now?  I thought I had it all together" sort of feelings I have.

I'm just worried about losing my foundation, about losing my job or my relationships because of what I'm experiencing.  I'm afraid of what will happen if I can't stop focusing on trauma long enough to function and produce meaningful and impactful work to make my employer happy.  But I need to stop worrying, I guess I've been through much worse than losing a job before.  And all this preoccupation with my job being my "foundation" is part of the problem - I never dealt with or processed all the pain I've experienced, and any time I felt the pain coming back I'd find something to do to change my focus or attention - drugs, other people, or work, whatever it was.  I don't really know how to find more of a balance.

Thank you for the suggestions about Pete Walker's work - I'm looking through so much of what he has posted on his website, I really think this is going to be helpful.

I am realizing I have to settle in for a long recovery - I am realizing it took a lifetime to get here, so there's not going to be a quick fix.  So I guess I just want to find a better way to adapt and compartmentalize so I can function according to my employer's reasonable expectations while still taking the time to confront my issues and find new ways to process them.  I guess it doesn't matter how that makes me feel this moment emotionally because throwing a fit and being hyper vigilant won't actually affect the positive change I'm hoping for.  So, settling in.

I'm getting really motivated by reading other people's posts though - I hope to get involved in the forums and help others.  I just also fear that today's an up day, and any day now is going to be a negative, down day where I deny any of this is real and I want to run away from all this.  I hope I keep coming back here and checking in because I think it could be so helpful.

[somnambulist]

Hi Somnambulist,   

Welcome to the forum. 

I know how scary and confusing it can be to have recently found out you have CPTSD and starting therapy.  It has not been quite a year since I was just starting also.  You will find a lot of helpful information here and loads of support.  I know I have.  Good to have you here with us!!!!

Thanks bheart!  I'm encouraged so far.  Thanks for posting on the thread about feeling like an impostor, I was just reading that and reflecting on it.  I hope to try and contribute here - even though I feel really messed up I think I can help other people feel better.

[somnambulist]

And I meant to say, I do exactly what you mentioned, schrödinger's cat, I write down pretty much everything I feel or think or experience and re-read it later.  I honestly don't know why, but I just can't bring myself to remember things - sometimes it's bad and I can't remember any details, entire years, or I can't seem to remember what I'm experiencing day to day.  Other times it's not as severe.  But in general, I find journaling and re-reading the journals to work really well for me.  And I try to consciously frame things in a neutral or positive light - I try to counterbalance the critic inside me.

[Rain]

Hi again, somnambulist.

S Cat made so many excellent points.   I only want to add an analogy I use to remind myself that things are okay, and improving.

You know when you pack up and move from one house / flat / apartment to a new place?   It is a mess and stressful on both ends, and moments of limbo, feeling like you have "no home" ...the "will it ever end" feeling.  Just from packing belongings and moving.   You get to the new place, and you unpack, and unpack ...and if you keep at it, before you know it, you are starting brand new routines in your new home ...a new way of being.

You are in the moving process.   It is dealing with a lot of UNSEEN things, particularly emotions.   But, if you realize you are moving from gross past to new future that you choose, then it is the "moving process."    Just know it will be okay.    You will have a new way of being, you will toss out a bunch of stuff that you do not want in your "new home."

Stick with the OOTS forum.   Read Pete's book and web page.   And trust yourself.   We do.   Breathe.

Move to your "new home."

[somnambulist]

Thank you.

[schrödinger's cat]

I honestly don't know why, but I just can't bring myself to remember things - sometimes it's bad and I can't remember any details, entire years, or I can't seem to remember what I'm experiencing day to day.

I get that too. It's all just foggy. The very act of writing alone helps make things clearer. It's easier to process trauma on paper, for me at least. Maybe that's because it then stops being inside of me and becomes simply a text, something external, something I can walk away from if I need a break.

Somnambulist, this is probably something you're doing anyway. But have you thought about managing your levels of overall stress? I'm asking because I'm getting the impression that many of us are so out of touch with our true selves, we tend to react to events/situations/places/people the way we ought to react. Or we simply go numb. Or we fling ourselves into a Fawn or Freeze reaction so quickly, we never really get around to feeling any actual feelings. And then it's only by really investigating ourselves thoroughly that we realize, "huh - that person drained me of all my energy, what do you know". So it's possible to think that everything's okay, but when we dig a little, there are quite a few things that keep on taking up a massive amount of energy. And obviously, less energy makes us less able to deal with triggers. More energy means more energy left for work.

[somnambulist]

Somnambulist, this is probably something you're doing anyway. But have you thought about managing your levels of overall stress? I'm asking because I'm getting the impression that many of us are so out of touch with our true selves, we tend to react to events/situations/places/people the way we ought to react. Or we simply go numb. Or we fling ourselves into a Fawn or Freeze reaction so quickly, we never really get around to feeling any actual feelings. And then it's only by really investigating ourselves thoroughly that we realize, "huh - that person drained me of all my energy, what do you know". So it's possible to think that everything's okay, but when we dig a little, there are quite a few things that keep on taking up a massive amount of energy. And obviously, less energy makes us less able to deal with triggers. More energy means more energy left for work.

Bingo.

This year I took a month off from work entirely to manage stress, get some balance - I also got to spend 2 weeks visiting my daughter who I hadn't seen in 5 years, which was amazingly wonderful and grounding.  And when I went back to work, I insisted on leaving my management role and moving into the role of an individual contributor, and my work supported me.  Of course this meant change and I tend to handle change terribly internally, it moves me off center and I feel even more lost while I'm establishing a new routine (I think I just try to be on autopilot too much, perhaps).

Right now though the biggest daily stressor is that my poor wife is also struggling with untreated PTSD and anxiety issues from her past.  And she tends to be a big worrier about everything. We've built this haunted house for Halloween and she's been wound up about everything she wants / needs for that, and I don't always interpret her emotions correctly - my response to intense emotions is to try and abate them or to shut down / go numb.  So lately, when either of us are triggering the other one, we politely take time out and give each other space.  We're working ever so carefully on co-counseling each other, kindly, empathetically, calmly.  But we have more bad days than good right now and space is generally healthier.

So I haven't really felt like I've had a place to go that's safe mentally for some time - the only respite is my commute, which is an hour and a half each way.  Of course driving carries its own stress.  I digress.

All this to say, I think you are exactly right and simply acknowledging my stressors and setting limits is slowly starting to help.  But I still feel immensely foggy and lost many days.  And on the edge of my thoughts I feel almost delusional.  I've been hearing voices and whispers that aren't there, or experiencing a sense of dread about people that aren't there.  In my traumatic experiences, I was often caught unawares and suddenly attacked out of nowhere, so sometimes my emotional flashbacks are extraordinarily confusing for me.  My therapist told me not to lend too much validity or belief to those thoughts, that I don't want to give them power and allow myself to have a psychotic episode.  One of my chief concerns has always been a fear of having schizophrenia, like my brother or some others in my family.

But focusing on all the possible negative outcomes doesn't generally help - I've learned through the course of my work that what you focus on is what moves and improves.  So if I focus on positive integration of my feelings and experiences, and I limit my stress and continue to stay grounded, I will be in much better shape.


But to your original point - focusing on how we ought to feel or forgetting how we truly feel entirely, I definitely am not doing so well at managing my stress right now - and I couldn't tell you how I really feel about things without much effort and consideration.  I really feel like I spend whole days, or weeks or months just trying to do what I feel I ought to do or is expected of me.  It's one of the crucial focus areas for me in therapy right now I think, or should be.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh yikes. I'm sorry to hear that your wife also has PTSD. My husband and I used to push each others red buttons all the time. He hasn't got PTSD by the way, but he's still got emotional baggage by the bucketload. My CPTSD and PTSD pushed his buttons, and his reaction triggered me, and so on. What made things so difficult is that almost every single thing we might have done to change this would have taken energy we simply didn't have.

I hear you about the lack of a safe space. THAT has got to be massively exhausting. I hope things will get better for both of you really soon. The holiday season sounds really stressful in the States - one thing after the other, wham wham wham. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your wife's haunted house, hoping that everything works out really well and that she has a rewarding and fun time of it.

[somnambulist]

Thanks BeHea1thy.  Thinking about the "SHOULD diet" will actually help me recognize when I'm criticizing myself too much I think - it's a nice way to frame it.  I hadn't realized until reading your words just how much I tell myself what I should or shouldn't do.

I'm feeling really motivated to invest the time in analyzing my thought patterns and how I internalize external events right now, I can see the positive that comes from reframing how I think about and interpret my experiences and feelings.  I'm really looking forward to feeling good about myself, about who I am.  The difficult part is recognizing that a balanced, healthy, integrated me is one that perhaps has less energy wrapped up in my escapes, chief of which is work.  More change, more adjusting ahead.

The haunted house went well, I had fun playing a role in it too.  The people in our neighborhood loved the performance, and we gave away a lot of candy at the end.  It was a good night.  Thanks again.

[Kizzie]

Hi Somnambulist and a warm albeit somewhat belated welcome to OOTS