Caretaking Role becomes a dysfunction

Ren · August 06, 2016, 07:30:02 AM

My role in my FOO was mother of my mother, the one who took care of domestic violence, general peace keeper and savior of my brothers. When I had two beautiful sons I knew exactly what I didn't want them to experience in a family atmosphere so I set out to learn all I could about parenting. I worried and cared them through to adulthood and they seem pretty good now.

But what to do when my whole life had been about caretaking, and thus nobody caretaking me ? I gave the impression to my husband and all others that I was functioning very well, but I did have my anxieties underneath. I got N mother out of my hair as soon as I could and moved interstate to free that up.

We had earlier moved near FOO for our kids education in their teens, it was very similar to one that happened when I was similar age. I had not been able to grieve my grandmother, the one loving source, as it was all pushed aside when I was at that similar age. One day it all came rushing back when my eldest left home to go to university. I grieved my grandmother then but could not understand the other feelings although I knew they were related to my dysfunctional family. It was of course the awakening of my trauma. Since what was happening then has only recently dawned on me I am still trying to compute this one.

Since my sons have grown and have their own lives and I do not want to be over-involved as my mother was trying with me, I have tried to get on with a life of my own. However, it seems that caretaking was my go-to response to feel safe - that is to stop violence, make my mother "happy" etc. So not having anyone to "caretake" I have once again experienced the CPTSD sensations.

Working with my inner child is doing me good. I can "mother" her and soothe her fears and cry that she missed so much. Therapy can only do so much, and I did do EMDR and Family Constellation (noted elsewhere) , but ultimately to reparent that little girl is an ongoing role. It is a benefit. However, tears are often close for me.

I am also learning as much as I can about what happened to me and believe I will always have to do this to soothe the pain. I do most of it alone as people do not understand CPTSD and I had tried to explain how my mother was the instigator and the mother "taboo" cuts in..."oh she wouldn't do that!" Such was the con job my mother did.

sanmagic7 · August 06, 2016, 03:26:41 PM

they are expert cons, aren't they!

as a co-caretaker, i can relate. it's difficult to feel useful, viable, constructive as a 'person' without helping someone else. i belong to several forums, and find an outlet by sharing on them and responding to others. i've also done volunteer work in the past, which felt very validating.

but, a big part of what i've discovered is time for me, for what i didn't have time for before while i was focused on others. writing has always been a passion, and i'm finding more time to do that now. so, a question you can ask yourself is 'what did i always want to do but didn't have time or energy for it before?' what did you wish you could do but didn't, had to put it aside to take care of others? i see this as another way to take care of ourselves - giving ourselves permission, time, and energy for us now. you've earned it, you deserve it. 'who heals the healer?' indeed! one of my favorite sayings.

Three Roses · August 06, 2016, 03:33:30 PM

I really empathize with you here, about the whole "mother taboo" - it seems that people feel threatened or something when we tell them our stories... I actually had a therapist once say to me, after I finished one account of trauma; "Well, if that's true...." I don't even remember what she said after that, I was speechless.

You rock tho for being the kind of person who tries to break the chain instead of perpetuate it!

When the last kid moved out of our house, it was a rough day. Al Anon has really helped me look at my unhealthy caretaking and work to overcome it, tho. I've also considered getting involved in a volunteer program again, like Meals On Wheels or something. That's a healthy way to feed the need inside me of showing compassion. It would also get me out of the house! Problem is, it's "peopley" out there.... I also have made an appointment with a therapist, since we moved I have to find a new one.

Sandstone · August 06, 2016, 04:15:31 PM

Hi Ren

Your story sounds very familiar to me too. Esp the stopping the violence, looking after mum etc. While i dont really have any answers for you it does sound like you are doing a good job of looking after you/your ic. The suggestions the others have posted are great ways of healthily staying in a caring role too. Also massive respect for breaking the cycle and being a better parent than you had.

you must be very proud of yourself.
Yours right about people not understanding, i wish i could condense the whole thing to show my partner but i still dont think he'd get it.
I wish i could be more help to you but all i know is its a long journey and this place is a lovely part of it xx

Ren · August 06, 2016, 11:55:03 PM

Once again, I am grateful for how supportive fellow travellers here are on this journey. It is such a help to simply express things just now.
I have tried a lot of volunteer work and helper jobs, but it seems I had to shore up my family. Now, best healing has come from my own study. I discovered that I loved learning and did a mature age uni degree. Since then I have followed my heart into books that deal with my experience and the human condition.
Being creative is where I thought I wanted to go best, however I always got the "guilts" with N mother (internalised) sabotaging me. I couldn't and still have trouble with going my own way in case I need to be peacemaking/caretaking.
Because I tried to follow my heart with subjects at school like languages and arts which I was good at, this was flatly destroyed.
N mother insisted I be her clone and work in a bank with her preference of numbers

and that was heavy stuff!!
Punishment from her was always silencing, invisible making.........tricky !
So I have been "creatively" studying family dynamics - and that is how Pete Walker came into vision and also Lindsay C Gibson.
Sandstone I feel for you not being able to have support from your partner. Mine gradually "got it" as I gave him information that he could digest - a practical man, matters of the intellect needed encouragement to understand
Curious as to how Al Anon deals with caretaking ? You have obviously found solace there.
San Magic - writing has been a passion for me too. Do you have a group ?
I was in a group where writing about N mother was confronting for them, the old taboo, and I got no feedback and the distinct feeling that I should stop raising stuff. I left of course, very angrily .

Learning to choose better people hasn't been a strength for me.
Thankyou Three Roses for you affirmation. I have always been noted as being "different" and found that difficult at times. Where is my tribe I asked ? Certainly finding it here !
I journal every day and get those feelings out though. I thought of writing my story to publish many times, but then wondered why I would turn a knife in myself all over, or would I be rejected again....oh dear !

Memoir and family dysfunction is flavour of the month isn't it ?
As for time for me.....where was me ? But I am coming back.

sanmagic7 · August 07, 2016, 01:17:46 AM

hey, ren,

no, no writing group. i write mostly for me, altho i have been published. i've also thought of the memoir route, but i, too, thought it would just be too painful - no need for me to bring up that crap, at least not right now.

yeah, i can imagine how a very conservative group would be aghast at 'attacking' a mother! not saying that's what you did, only that it could be perceived that way.

but, i'm glad that you seem to be getting some of your needs met through reading what YOU choose to read. i think your choices in people will also begin blooming in a healthier way. i believe as you keep going down this road of self-awareness, getting stronger within yourself, you'll also be able to keep the narc mom's voice to a minimum, even diminishing it until it's a non-factor in your choices.

Ren · August 07, 2016, 07:48:18 AM

Then we have similar thinking Sanmagic 7. Writing for me empties out that busy head !
It is a huge help being here to get some sort of measurement of where I am at.
My therapist gave me a "rational emotive therapy" sheet which helped me keep perspective. Apparently comes from Maslow, but she doesn't recommend him too much because he is too miserable. But the sheet asks me to question my response, my critic and it works to a certain degree. I have had less interference.

sanmagic7 · August 10, 2016, 12:42:45 AM

i was a little familiar with RET, but i looked it up to be sure. it was started by albert ellis in 1950, and tends toward the logical, rational way of thinking. in essence, ellis says that if one can change irrational ways of thinking, then more constructive behaviors will follow. therapy is meant to help the client change those ways of thinking.

maslow was the guy who offered the pyramid structure of self-actualization, the hierarchy of needs. he said that if our needs at the bottom of the pyramid aren't met, we aren't able to move up the pyramid and eventually realize self-actualization

basic needs: 1) physical (food, water, shelter, etc.) 2) safety needs ( feeling safe, out of harm's way) 3) belongingness and love needs (friendships and intimate relationships) 4) esteem needs (prestige and feeling of accomplishment) 5) self-fulfillment needs (realizing one's full potential, including creative activities. this is known as self-actualization)

i always thought of maslow's pyramid as a sort of map or guideline that says what to strive for next in our lives. i think of RET as basically logical thinking and a logical way to look at our emotions, as a means to change our behaviors.

whatever book you read, i hope it helps. i'm not sure how trauma-based either is. but, if it helps, that's what counts.

Ren · August 10, 2016, 01:02:40 AM

Thanks Sanmagic7, I had my theorists mixed up. Albert Ellis it is.
I find this RET handy for when I am catastrophising, not always a perfect solution, but gives me perspective when I start on "I don't know what to think!"