anxiety over initiating nc

[sanmagic7]

as i get further along in my recovery, i'm discovering that i can recognize people who are not healthy for me more easily and quickly.  a man with whom i was romantically involved 50 yrs. ago got in contact with me about 2 mos. ago.  we're both married, we both told our spouses about this renewed connection, both spouses were ok with it.  or so it seemed.

he and i began emailing daily, and he started calling once a week.  at first, this was wonderful for me - it seemed light, fun, happy, loving, and caring, especially since i was going through a very bad time.  then, he began criticizing me, judging me for things that i'd done in my past, and some of my present beliefs.  at first, i stood up for myself, held boundaries, and it just seemed that, since he and i had had such completely different life experiences between knowing each other at college (we were both 17 when we were going out) and getting to this point in our adulthood, he didn't realize what he was saying or how he was saying it (harsh).

as i began thinking about some of the things he'd said, he'd criticized me for, i began to see a pattern.  for one thing, it turned out that his wife became extremely jealous of us corresponding, so he began hiding it from her.  they share an email address and a phone, and she found out that he had been calling me behind her back.  when i asked him about this, about her jealousy, he just dismissed her by saying, 'i think there's something going on with her.'

our last conversation ended with him telling me that he was going to a ball game in 95 degree heat, and that if i didn't hear from him after that day, well . . . (he'd told me in the past that since he's had heart problems, he wasn't supposed to be in heat over 80).  that was 2 weeks ago, and i haven't heard from him since.

i began sifting all this around in my mind, along with what i'd known about him from all those years ago, and came up with the same conclusion now that i did then - i think i dodged a bullet when he broke up with me back then.  he really isn't a very nice man, at least not to women, he's baited his wife with his correspondence with me and caused her, someone who doesn't know me, to not like me.  he's done the same thing to me that he accused me of doing way back when i was young and reckless - putting himself in danger physically without consideration for people who care about him.  and, he's just been mean to me, harsh, offensive, and making assumptions about me that aren't true.

ok, so i've got this down, this is not a person i want in my life anymore.  i'm going to initiate nc, but i'm nervous as *.  i don't exactly know what i'm so anxious about.  we live in different countries, so physical harm is not a threat.  he's on a list of mine that sends out musings every week, and i'm thinking of simply taking him off the list, but i know that i'll eventually hear from him, and i'll have to explain why i did that.  i can block him from my emails, but i don't have caller ID, so if he calls i'd get blindsided.

i don't understand why i got so nervous!  earlier today, i was feeling fine about this, strong, ready.  suddenly, my anxiety shot way up.  i know it's the right thing to do, i feel like it's progress in my recovery, but in an hour i went from ready to scared sh*tless!!!  i thought of simply emailing him, telling him not to contact me anymore, but i'm hesitating.  that good little girl inside me is saying that would get him in trouble with his wife, and that would be a mean thing for me to do.  any opinions?  thoughts? 

[radical]

I think you are asserting healthy boundaries.

If I were you though, I'd feel the same way as you do, scared  for these sorts of reasons:  afraid of hurting him, afraid of feeling guilty, feeling guilty, afraid of being unfair, cruel, arrogant and other things I don't like or want to be, afraid of him responding in a way that makes me feel very wrong, ashamed and guilty, afraid of the hurt behind any anger he expresses more than anger itself, afraid of the "sting" if he contacts, knowing I can't explain why in a way he would ever accept  (which feels to me a bit like hurting a small, preverbal child or an animal with some unpleasant medicine), fear of closing a door from an important part of my past, and finally the confusion of "what if I'm wrong about everything and can't trust my own perceptions"    That's just how I'd probably feel, how I tend to feel.

Nowdays, I'd still do it though.  It's finally gotten through to me that I have choices and my feelings are important.  It's not like it's one strike and you're out, you've described a whole raft of reasons. With very little on the 'plus' side of the ledger.   Friendship is not compulsory, and it would be a weird kind of friendship if it was.  I've been in a few weird friendships, and I felt I didn't have a choice, because of the above.  They went on for years and years, in some cases and I've learned.  People get to decide if they want to be friends.  That's not an expectation of perfection in friends, either.

I feel callous writing this, but it's how I feel now.  I don't like everyone and life's short.  There are people I like a lot (she says defensively).....

Why do you think you feel this way?

[Three Roses]

If you're sure you want NC, you don't have to justify it to anyone, you don't need a reason. If there's anything to justify, it would be not protecting yourself from someone you deem unpleasant or unsafe.

If it were me and I'd decided on nc, I think I would wait to see if he is even going to contact me after 2 weeks. Why stir the pot if he's not planning on contacting you anyway? Maybe you've dodged another bullet.

If he does contact you, just tell him that for you, it's not working out; you feel judged, criticized, and you're not comfortable with his wife's feelings about this - let's not forget he lied by omission about that, and then tried to blame her. If he gets pushy, or gruff, you can very gently tell him you were really hoping he wouldn't, and that it's far healthier to discuss things openly but ... if he'd rather, you could email him...

Or, the broken record routine always works great for creating an impenetrable wall and also keeping you from losing your cool or getting drawn into a debate.

I support you going nc with this nincompoop. Sounds like he's a misogynist. You don't have to explain yourself to him or anyone.

[sanmagic7]

ya know, the more i become involved with this forum, the more invaluable it has become.  radical, and 3 roses, your answers were terrific.  radical, i found nothing callous in what you said (even tho i know that feeling).  rather, i found terrific insight and straightforwardness, which i totally appreciate.  yeah, at the moment i got nervous/anxious i think i was also afraid of all those things you mentioned!  you nailed the fears that formed the anxiety!  there were about 5 of them that i recognized immediately.  in the big picture, tho, what you gave me was a means of taking my anxiety apart and pinpointing what's really going on.  anxiety is only an umbrella under which fears cluster, right!?

and 3 roses, i also believe he's a misogynist (and god knows i've had enough of them in my life!) and in the past i would've hung in there, tried to get around it, make him see the error of his ways, tried to work it out while he played his little games, both with me and his wife.  i finally got mad when i thought about him using me to bait her.  and talking about having to justify allowing someone in my life who i discovered i don't like was a great spin to put on that.  calling him a nincompoop was perfect!  haven't heard that word in a while, and it brought a chuckle to my heart.

i also talked to my hub about this last night, cuz he's great at cutting thru the bull pucky about both people and stuff.  he thought a direct route was best mainly cuz it would be clear and simple, and i tended to agree with him.  so, i'm gonna email this guy today, tell him i don't like the way he's treated me or his wife, and not to contact me anymore.  and, if he does slide a phone call in at some later date, those suggestions about how to deal with it are great, as were the reassurances from both of you that i don't have to explain myself to anyone.  i'd rather be direct with this as i then feel 'done' with it.

so, thank you both for your responses.  i have nothing but gratitude for you and this forum.  this whole place and the people in it rock!

[sanmagic7]

i did it this morning, and he proved me right.  i wrote that i didn't like the way he's treated me, didn't like the way he's been treating his wife, and didn't like that he was using me to bait her.  then i simply wrote: 'don't contact me again'

i got an email from him this afternoon.   ?? what's going on?  i'm clueless.

i answered:  and, no respect, either.  that answers your question.  i'm blocking you.

so, everyone was spot on with their eval of this guy.  i'm feeling a bit hollow/full of cement - the feeling takes turns.  it's uncomfortable, cuz it goes against everything i've been programmed to do, but i'm glad i did it.  his disrespect toward my telling him not to contact him proved my perception of him.  and, i knew that to try to explain would only result in b.s. like 'i was only joking.  can't you take a joke? (my heart and soul, how many times have i heard that one!), or 'don't be so sensitive' (another one that really grinds my cheese.)

thanks again.  every bit of input helped, and i'm glad i did it.  that relationship was taking up too much of my time and energy in a neg. way.  no more!

[Three Roses]