The Anxiety of Things Unsaid

[movementforthebetter]

I didn't know where to put this I could see it fitting quite a few categories.

I am waiting to hear from a friend if I will be moving in with her. I had hoped to have a set date by now so I could tell the bf, go stay with other friends, and ride out the interim. I had planned to tell the bf today or tomorrow since he just finished a contract and me leaving now couldn't affect his career. My doing this is impacting many lives and I hate being a burden.

I had a rough "final" weekend with the bf which involved me comforting a grieving acquaintance. I think I did ok given the circumstances.

It was extremely triggering to my F's  sudden death, and I was panicked but also detached. Maybe dissociated is a better word. Still wrapping my head around that behaviour. I would be on the brink of tears but never let myself "go there" for fear of making things worse, being selfish/self absorbed, being unable to control my unresolved feelings if I started accessing them. We were in public so I felt pressure to be "acceptable", whatever that means. And I was trying to help someone when I am so wounded myself so I doubted my ability to help.

I didn't sleep well this weekend. And this emotional car wreck happened and now I'm not in the good headspace I had been in for the past couple weeks. The way bf and the bereaved's wife reacted to the situation reinforced to me that I am making the right decision for me by leaving. But also that bf might not be able to comprehend what I need or why and thatbit could be a longer and messier process than I am ready for.

So today I am incredibly anxious. All these things unsaid and all this waiting on pieces out of my own control have me back to seeing in black and white, catastrophising, and feeling incredibly fearful. Not of any abuse from bf, but of all my past times of being abused or neglected, all the times I didn't speak up, each little piece of me that withered as a result. I am terrified that the longer I stay, and the longer I don't say anything, even in light of the extreme circumstances of the weekend, the more likely it is that I will lose my nerve and stay instead. All the times I gave up on myself before, and I am so afraid of failing in this way again.

I have a session with my T tomorrow so will discuss. But couldn't keep this inside. I can feel it poisoning me and I believe that most of my problems stem from being unable to speak freely and being unheard or ignored. Just trying to ride out this fear. I assume ot's an emotional flashback. I hope it is only a temporary setback, and after some rest I think I will try some inner child work.

If anyone has experienced something similar I would appreciate hearing about it.

[Dutch Uncle]

I can relate somewhat. Or perhaps even a lot, I don't know. My circumstances are very different.

But perhaps this link may strike a chord with you, and be of aid.
http://traumahealed.com/articles/stand-in-your-story/
It has helped me a lot in the last couple of days. Perhaps it may help you too. 

[movementforthebetter]

Thank you Dutch Uncle, that does help.

I haven't yet said anything today to bf and I guess I won't.  I have been hiding in bed a lot and sleeping too much. Apparently I am not ready to deal with it today given everything that happened this weekend. I still feel anxious but it's a bit more manageable.

Two steps forward and one step back. Today is part of that one step back.

[Dutch Uncle]

It's wonderful the article helped, movementforthebetter, even though not everything was said yet, and possibly never will.

It's a process of learning, and I have only just started myself.
I think I've come to understand and feel that even if I don't say everything out loud, owning my story internally is already a big step forward.
Perhaps that's even the hardest part of the process of recovery, and when we own it inside, we may find it easier to part from those who disown us of our story, and/or have done for so long.

Small question regarding your first post? Is it possible for you to phone/contact this friend and tell him/her it's at the moment really important for you to know if there is a date yet? And if not if an estimate can be given when there will be a date?
Perhaps when you know for certain you will not know for certain for a while might open avenues for action, or more 'peace' with waiting.

, and I hope the date will be there soon.

[movementforthebetter]

I will have a phone call with my friend sometime tomorrow.  I am not good at waiting - anxiety really kicks in and I get pretty obsessive. When I keep busy it's less distressing but now I am home with bf full time because he's not working either. It was better when he was working at least. Each day he wants to spend with me, not knowing I have other plans.

I wanted to tell him when I have dates confirmed. Same with my friends. I don't want to be an eternal houseguest. I want to have a plan that I can follow through the transition. It will be hard enough as it is.

But he's clinging to me and I am silent and distant so that must be hurting him too. It can't be helped just yet.