Struggling with a work issue

[gongfy]

The thing that has me tied up in knots in my work relationships - CPTSD is also the thing that makes me good at what I do.  It's a double edged sword.  So - I'm a teacher.  And I "get" the kids with behavioral issues, the kids who struggle, the kids who aren't successful in other classes.  So - I get the kids.  Year after year.  And this year - again -  I get a whole bunch of them in one class.  Don't get me wrong - I love working with kids who have struggled.  It's an important part of what I do.  But when there are too many of them in one class, I get overwhelmed and I can't help any of them - and it has a huge impact on me and my health.  And then when I complain - I am told that I am "imagining" things and that classes are really placed fairly.  I know that this isn't true - and my principal knows it isn't true - but there isn't really anything I can do about it. 

This year will be the worst year, because the group I am getting are very severe.  So I have asked for a meeting, again, to lay out my case.  I have practiced with my T.  And even that was traumatic because the realization that I can't discuss a conflict without my body going into full "fight mode" was rather frightening to me.  The conscious attention I have to give to slowing my breath and speech, softening my facial muscles, relaxing my body posture, and all while I have to carefully think about delivering a message in a non-threatening way has me wanting to just not go there.  But it's more than just me.  I have this whole class of kids that will be affected too.  Feeling sick to my stomach.

[Dutch Uncle]

How hard it is to have the job you love be affected by your cPTSD in such a way. 

And then when I complain - I am told that I am "imagining" things and that classes are really placed fairly.  I know that this isn't true - and my principal knows it isn't true - but there isn't really anything I can do about it. 

Classic devaluation/gaslighting/crazy making. Don't fall for it (as you already refuse to do)

You say you have to make such an effort not to go into 'fight mode'. Have you ever gone into 'fight mode' in such meetings? Or has your strategy always been to "delivering a message in a non-threatening way"?

I hope things will work out for you.

[sanmagic7]

too many of them in one class is simply too many of them.  whether they're put there randomly or by design, too many is too many.  i don't know anything about your school, the rules, regulations, expectations.  this sounds to me to be a case of simply too many.   is it possible to stay away from any reference to placement (how it's done, by whom, etc.) and stick with the idea that too many troubled kids is just too many troubled kids for any one teacher, no matter how good s/he is with such kids?  that you just need a reduction of a few of the troubled kids?  that you can't do your job correctly or to the best of your ability  with more than x amount of troubled kids in one class? 

while i believe you about unfair placement just because you're really good with a certain population of students, i'm thinking that to mention something like that could be perceived as some sort of attack or accusation against the powers that be, those in control of student placement.   rather than any kind of hint of such behavior, which, in my opinion, would raise defenses so fast it would make your head spin, maybe it would work more to your benefit to steer clear of that area, and focus on the impossibility of being the best  teacher possible for your class when there are fireworks going off in every direction every two minutes (just an analogy).  that way you're not accusatory, they're not defensive, and you don't have to go places that will do no good for anyone.  instead, you're making a reasonable request in order to give your class the best education possible.  you just want to 'share the wealth' of challenging students a bit more with other teachers, allow them some of the learning experience of dealing with such a classroom dynamic.  it's a helpful experience for any future situations.

i don't know if any of that is helpful.  i hope the meeting goes well for you, and you get some relief.  i've dealt with troubled kids in the past, and they are a challenge.  i have no doubt you're great with them.  but enough can be too much at times.  my best to you with all this. 

[gongfy]

So as a follow up - what happened is I got an updated class list - and they added another student.  This student was the most behaviorally involved student at the grade level.  Then I called my union representative.  I was able to work with my T before the meeting so that I didn't get triggered during the meeting.  I was able to state exactly what you pointed out Sanmagic7 - that I cannot be effective with too many behaviorally involved students in my classroom.  My principal attempted to cut me off and immediately go to the "unfair placement compliaint"  I countered that this was not my point - and reiterated that I could not be effective and it had a negative impact on students.  The union rep however, looked at the documentation the principal provided and stated that the evidence clearly showed that my class was overloaded and it was a violation of the contract.  The result is that the principal pulled the most involved student from my room and placed that student back in the self contained classroom.  That being said - I have gone through the first few days of school and have almost been unable to teach.  One student has been so disruptive that it has almost shut down the instruction in my classroom.  And yes Dutch Uncle - previously I have gone into fight mode, become angry, and made heated statements that have only made the situation worse.  This has given them fuel to engage in gaslighting.  One of the positive things that came out of the meeting was the union rep's confirmation that yes - my class was overloaded despite what the principal tried to say.  I was able to calmly tell my principal that her insistence on stating this when I know better causes me to distrust her.  So now I have some options - I will be exploring those with my T.

[sanmagic7]

yay! for your union rep.  that's great news.  and, it's great news that you now have other options to look into and possibly pursue. 

it's totally unfair, and sounds to be illegal as well, to have too many disruptive kids in one class.  those are unrealistic expectations being placed upon you, and i'm really glad you're able to realize that and not buy into it.  well done!

[Dutch Uncle]

Congrats.  Well done. 

One of the positive things that came out of the meeting was the union rep's confirmation that yes - my class was overloaded despite what the principal tried to say.  I was able to calmly tell my principal that her insistence on stating this when I know better causes me to distrust her.

Wow. 

And yes Dutch Uncle - previously I have gone into fight mode, become angry, and made heated statements that have only made the situation worse.  This has given them fuel to engage in gaslighting.

  That's terrible of them.  I'm really happy for you on what you have achieved by calling in the trade union rep.