preparing to begin funerals for my daughter - wish me luck!

Started by sanmagic7, August 12, 2016, 03:26:14 AM

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sanmagic7

i'm gearing up today to start having my funerals for my narc daughter.  just writing that sentence nearly brought tears to my eyes.

last night, i had body work done, and she came to my mind, and after the session, i burst into sobs.  i'd watched a show earlier where a man, through his partner, had become a dad (it was his partner's kid).  altho they had been attempting to have a baby thru surrogacy, that hadn't worked out.  all reference to kids triggered extreme and profound sorrow in him.  then his partner, while comforting him, told him that his own kid was indeed their shared kid - that they were both dads.  and it was a miraculous transformation.

as i watched, i thought about not having the child you'd dreamed of, wanting a child a certain way and it not working out.  and, i realized that that's what had happened to me.  my narc daughter is my first-born and i had all kinds of plans and dreams of how we'd bond as mother and daughter as she grew and matured and became her own woman.  and, none of that happened.

so, i'm accepting that i didn't get the daughter i wanted, worked hard at making it be good between us, but that just didn't happen.  it was a hellish nightmare having her as a daughter for over 30 yrs. (she's nearly 40 now).  i initiated nc with her a year ago in jan., and the anniversary sparked the most horrible ef that has lasted for 6 months.  and, with what happened last night, i knew the time had come to begin saying good-bye for good.

this will have to happen in parts because i don't think i'll be able to manage the whole of her at one time.  so many layers, dreams, hopes, wants, needs have been smashed, and i need to say good-bye to each piece separately.  so, beginning tomorrow, the biggest, most horrific funeral of my life will begin.  but, i know i have to lay all these pieces to rest.  they have been a heavy burden over the years, attempting to pick them up and put them together in a viable, positive manner, but every time i picked one up, another fell or was torn from my hands.  it's time to end this trauma, little by little.  wish me luck - i can use all the support i can get.  thanks.

Three Roses

I grieve with you, Sanmagic, for the loss you've suffered and what you're going thru. Tears come to my eyes as I imagine the pain & heartache you must be feeling.  :hug: to you!

snailspace

How desperately sad for you sanmagic, as a mum myself I can't imagine how this must be for you

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.......

I have no idea if this will bring you any comfort but just to know I'm thinking of you.

Dutch Uncle

All the best and support to you in this process of grief you are going through: laying her to rest.  :hug:

Sandstone


sanmagic7

part 1 is in progress.  today was about the overt abuse she heaped on me. lots of anger, bed pounding, cussing to the high heavens!  dang, is this anger a bottomless pit?  i didn't realize there was still such a volatile amount left.  still, it felt good to get it out.  later, after the anger, came profound sadness that my daughter could and would do those things to me.  it feels like hate, yet all the while she was adamant that she loved me.  she is so mad at me, has been, i think, ever since i brought her sister home from the hospital.  she didn't have my full attention anymore, was convinced that i loved her sister more, and made it clear that she was keeping score on how much time, things, etc. she got compared to what her sister got from me.  she was 3 1/2 when her sister was born.  by the time she was 4, the judgmental looks, odd behaviors, impossible questions had begun.  and continued until nc last year. 

she was also diagnosed with so many different mental illnesses during her life, the most prominent being schizophrenia.  i put up with her neg. behavior because i believed she was sick, and it was part of the illness.  as her mother, i couldn't turn an ill daughter away, put up the same boundaries as for someone with full mental capacity, or so i believed.   so i sucked it up, absorbed it all, allowed it until she got older, when i did begin setting boundaries.  the abuse toward me became worse, i put it to my hub (didn't know he'd set me up many times in all this) that i couldn't live with her anymore, that i was going on a trip with my friend, and i wanted my daughter out of the house by the time i got home (2 weeks).  of course, it didn't happen, he put me in a double bind (again), and i finally fled the marriage, left them behind.  of course, the abuse didn't stop until the nc last year.  but, it left me a complete and total physical and emotional - wreck isn't a strong enough word.  too many times i was near physical or mental death.  so, i'm celebrating my own survival by now, finally, holding funerals.  the stress is intense, my body's already reacting to this day, but it's worth it.  she needs to be buried, no matter how many pieces it will take.

tomorrow will be about the covert abuse.  that was just as hurtful in its own way.  man, this is horrible.  how have i survived?  how do any of us survive this sh*t?   just puking it out.  thanks for the time and space.
i feel awful.


sanmagic7

thank you to everyone who has responded with such good wishes and all the hugs!  both are wonderful and so appreciated!  beyond words.

just been in a grieving state all day today, so didn't do any more on the funeral.  perhaps tomorrow.  but, the visual i have on my desktop is beginning to lose its 'punch' so i know that i'm processing through this.  it's a tough one, but i feel better than yesterday, so i know it's do-able.  again, thanks for the support.  hopefully, within the next 2 days i'll begin phase 2 - the covert psychological/emotional torture.  man, these people are insidious!  bless this group!

sanmagic7

update:  phase II.  laying to rest all the covert things she did to me, like not allowing me to be part of her triumphs, not talking to me for years at a time, not wanting me in her life on any level - these things were probably more hurtful than the overt behaviors and things she said to me, like dagger slashes to my heart.  this is such a profound sadness i'm feeling, i didn't know it was possible.  so many levels to this.  it's impossible to describe.  for now, i'm very sad.  my precious daughter is gone. 

Sienna

San magic, I do wish you luck, and support.
We are here for you.
I cant imagine what it must be like, to loose a daughter.

I am sorry that it didnt mend, despite you trying to fix it.
Hugs to you.  :hug: :hug:



sanmagic7


Contessa

From reading this post I can feel your grief profoundly. With you on this journey
:hug:

Sandstone

 :hug: sanmagic

you are so brave and have immense inner strength!

I know you probably dont feel that way right now but to know what you need to do to heal and to actually DO it,  takes so much courage.
I genuinely admire how you have faced a lot your battles and overcome them, thats true strength in my eyes.

I cannot begin to imagine what you are going throught right now  :hug:
I am sorry your daughter had caused you so much hurt  and i wish i had a magic wand to ease your sadness right now but i know its part of the process.  Sending you gentle healing hugs  :hug:


Sienna

Your welcome Sanmagic.
I agree that you are brave, courageous and must have a lot of inner strength.
:hug:


Kizzie