Compartmentalisation? Dissociation? The present feeling alien to me

[Sienna]

I don't know if this is compartmentalisation.
I never knew i did this.
eg. I keep the refuge seperate from the centre where i volunteer, and i never talk about the refuge there.
I never talk about the centre at the refuge.
T said i prefer it that way - thats why i never talk about them to people at the other. (and also, i don't talk about myself at all)

I feel that i have different parts. T said i do.
Lately i have been so self destructive and angry at the world.
When i feel this way, i want to dress differently, perhaps to express this stuff on the outside?
I think its a teenage part, that i was never allowed to express.
And it doesnt feel fully *me* do dress like a punk, so i never felt comfortable to do that, only, i never had the money as a teen to just buy clothes and go through that phase.

Lately, i have been dressing different outwardly.
A lady from the past was at volunteering yesterday, and i found out stuff about the narc lady (who i wished was my mother).
I suddenly wanted to rip my arm bracelets off and instead, change into clothes that are similar to what the narc lady wore.
But my depressed mood, anger and self destruction, is not up over, I'm sure.

It suddenly felt like, this refuge, it didnt fit.
It was as thought my head had been transported back to then, back to those feelings of wanting this woman.

I think what i do, is, seperate life events, by disassociating from my feelings.
When she left, i put it all away.
I felt numb and life never felt the same again. Empty.
Next- completely seperate chapter of my life- i started therapy and was still living with my partner.
Next chapter- X broke up with me, and i moved to a refuge.
This is another chapter.
Only yesterday, it felt wrong. Not right. Alone. the narc lady is gone.
And I'm alone, doing this with out her.
Its like an intrusion of ...thoughts? ..realisation?
Its like the old me- the me that i was when me and her were taking (before she left), sort of ...came back and said..hey..what are you doing?
look at how different your life is now! It doesnt fit!

I felt really mixed up. I cant describe it.
There are lots of puzzle pieces to my life (meaning, life events / periods of my life that i disassociated from- and so they are all seperate from each other)
and sometimes, another period of my life, springs out and hits me in the face...and its not..intergrated into my life now.
It feels like these time periods of my life, don't form one straight line.
They are all cut of from each other.
It was like a wake up call. I had been back to the past for a little while, away in my head, but when i look around me, that isn't my life- this is - and i don't like it.

Can anyone relate?