Trusting people

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Contessa

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Trusting people
« on: August 13, 2016, 11:51:21 PM »
Hello all. For me, and I assume many us here, the ability to trust people is strained. Sometimes it is warranted but times we need to work on our selves to let it happen. This is something I need to work on, and really want to. Has anybody else been able to work on this aspect of their relationships to work toward healthier relationships with others?

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sanmagic7

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2016, 01:54:15 AM »
i've discovered that the more i've been able to trust myself, the more i am able to trust others.  i'm not all the way there yet, but a lot of my non-trust of others concerned expectations of me in all facets of my life.

since i was raised to be 'perfect' and those were the expectations of my dad for me, nothing imperfect was allowed by me re: emotions, feelings, attitude, the ever-ready smile, 'being there' for others, putting others first, sharing my time and energy no matter what was going on with me, and on and on.  i took those expectations seriously.  the result was that i didn't know myself, couldn't feel anything from others, became non-compassionate and arrogant (stayed above others so as not to have to interact with them on a personal/human level - they might see my flaws and weaknesses!) among other things.

breaking down those barriers at the same time strengthening my boundaries has resulted in less fear of others expecting me to be a certain way.  for a while, when i was very sick, i contemplated not getting well because no one expects much from a chronically ill person.  but, then it dawned on me that, as wonderfully uncomplaining as my hub was in doing and getting things for me, it wasn't fair to him to stay so sick if there was a way i could get well.  so, i began the work.  he was a great motivation.

today, i'm much less sick, and more trusting that i will say 'no' to things i really don't want to do, no matter who's asking.  i do have to remind myself a lot, tho, to keep moving forward.  because so many people knew me as always ready and able, they sometimes have difficulty accepting me with flaws and weaknesses now.  i can feel their expectations reaching out to me, wanting to manipulate me.  sometimes it's a tough battle, and i've learned to keep some interactions to a minimum.  the trust is growing. 

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Contessa

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2016, 01:59:28 AM »
Good point, trusting yourself is a must. I certainly don't trust myself.
Been thinking back on teaching where I had strong leadership and demonstrated the values, good values, I expected in my classroom... but that seems like an entirely different person. A little scared and upset at how much i've changed.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2016, 02:18:10 AM »
curious as to where/when the change began for you.  are you no longer teaching?  is it since you found out about your traumatization?

in my opinion, just finding out about this stuff can't help but change us.  at least, that's what happened to me.  once i opened this door, there was no turning back, and that initiated a big change in me, as well as my life. 

but my initial change came when i became so sick that i couldn't do or be what i did and was before.  i had to learn how to take instead of give all the time, i had to allow others to help me, do for me where i had always been the helper and doer for others.  i had to put my pride in always being there for others on the side and let others be there for me.   i kept trying to do too much for myself too soon, which resulted in getting sicker.  it was a struggle.  i'd heard so many times - if you don't take care of yourself, first, you won't be able to be any good to others - and my biggest breakthrough was when i finally let that sink in.  the fear was in not being viable, not being able to contribute, not being valuable to others, which would mean i'd end up alone.  very scary stuff, indeed.

one thing i heard that i liked said:  when you walk through the door of your fear, you find yourself.  the more i walk through that door, the more i'm learning, and even liking, who i really am.  i surely hope that as you come to trust yourself more, you will also learn more about who you are as well.   it's been worth it for me. 

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2016, 04:44:48 AM »
I hope and think that the journey I'm now making in setting and maintaining boundaries will allow me to trust again. And that if trust is violated (which probably happen again at some point: I hope to live a few decades more and there are plenty of cheaters out there) I will still hold my ground and push these people away from me.
I'm also pretty sure I have been naive and a people pleaser and too often trusted people when my gut said no. But since my mouth finds it so hard to say no, I 'trick' myself into 'trusting' the other.
Quite probable I'm just in 'denial' at those times.

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Jdog

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2016, 04:55:53 AM »
I completely agree that once we learn how to trust and rely upon ourselves - which involves becoming grounded and knowing that we are good enough just as we are - trusting others becomes less of an issue. Since I cannot control others, I just have to assume that they will have varying types of responses to me based upon things that I may not even understand.  So, trusting sometimes just means believing that they do things that make sense to them (and maybe only to them).  And, it is of course nice when people behave in a somewhat reliable manner so that I can expect a certain level of support or positive behavior from them.  But, it is only my own behavior and thinking that really matters in the end.

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Contessa

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2016, 01:18:45 AM »
Jdog, Dutch Uncle and Sanmagic, thank you for all of these perspectives. I want to give due response but my head is overrun at the moment so can't quite do it right now.

Sanmagic I would love to answer this question, it is something that I have been thinking about and dearly want to answer. Happy to share, but again, my head is overrun. Right now speaking is more helpful than writing. Can I answer later? xo

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sanmagic7

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2016, 06:07:59 PM »
sorry this is so long overdue, contessa.  i think i got sidetracked with some of my own stuff.  anyway, yes, of course, if you want to answer the question, do so at your own pace, when you're comfortable.  i'd love to hear what came up for you.  i hope you're less overwhelmed by now, feeling a bit more stable.  big hug.

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movementforthebetter

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2016, 06:59:27 PM »
I'm glad this thread was bumped up. I missed it before. Really valuable insigjts here and naturally I struggle with trust as well. The concept of trusting oneself is important and I don't think I had looked at it that way before.

In a way I think not trusting others must come from the outter critic and projecting my fears onto others. Not only that, but if I do own that I don't trust myself, then I can see it as the inner critic and outer critic working in tandem, trying to protect my inner child. I do think I care for my inner child and I think I trust her... Just never thought about it before. I'm really trying to see those two critics more compassionately, too. I think by starting that way I will grow my compassion and trust to encompass my whole self. Does that make sense? I guess by trying to call a ceasefire on the war within I think I will find more peace and be more stable.

Anyway, just thinking this through as I type. Thanks for starting the thread, Contessa. Would love to hear where you're at with this now.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Trusting people
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2016, 07:25:25 PM »
i think, that as long as it makes sense to you, that's what counts.  i never thought of bringing those two critics together in a compassionate way.  my concept of trusting myself mainly meant that i could put out my own boundaries and stick with them, and that i could say 'no' to people who wanted more than was healthy for me to give.   i used to find acceptable reasons, meaning they were acceptable to others (like saying i was sick) in order to be able to say 'no' and stick with it.  as i've built up my own inner strength, it's easier for me to just say 'no' without having to justify, rationalize, or make excuses for my unwillingness to do something someone else asks me to do. 

actually, the concepts of inner and outer critics is new to me, so i never thought in those terms.  instead, i thought about old messages i'd learned along the way, unrealistic expectations that had been heaped upon me from a very young age, and how easily i had been manipulated because i never felt grounded in myself - i didn't have opinions, goals, or any kind of true awareness of who i was or who i wanted to be.  i just floated from experience to experience, made excuses for others, and always thought of everyone else before me.

but, trusting others has come from being stronger in trusting myself.  as i've scraped away those messages and expectations, decided that i didn't want to be sick the rest of my life just so that people wouldn't expect things from me, more than i wanted to give/do, i worked on getting rid of all that was holding me back.  it was because i couldn't trust myself to say no and stick by it that i was untrusting of others.  i know that they will always be out there, always want more from everybody, and that i can't change them.  all i could do was change myself, so i have.  some people, even those i keep close, have been clearly disappointed that i didn't do what they wanted, but i know now that not only is it impossible for me to help that, but that taking care of me has to be, must be, my first priority.

that this originated from inner and outer critics is new to me, having never heard it, really, before this forum.   you've given me something to think about.  thanks.   just my thoughts and experience.