Intro: Complex PTSD diagnosis going on 5 years and counting...

[TJColes]

Hi,

I've been searching for another venue for support for awhile. I made a better effort the last few days because I feel an impending meltdown coming and the suicidal thoughts have been stronger than usual and I am fairly nomadic with very poor health insurance, so finding a regular therapist is tiresome and frustrating.

A quick rundown of my history:
I had a terrible boss, who I eventually had to report for harassment. A few months later, I was struggling with life and decided that I should start therapy. About a year into therapy, I took the MMSE and received my complex PTSD diagnosis. My therapist wasn't a trauma specialist and I wasn't entirely sure what the diagnosis meant . Fast forward a few years (continuing with the same therapist all the while), I eventually left my job because I was struggling so much to let go of the past with the former boss, so I decided to pursue medicine, the career path I was on in college, but abandoned along the way. At my age and the jump in fields, I had to seek an overseas school. I thought the new career and environment would help leave the past behind - but my diagnosis followed me. I struggled a lot with my classmates and the school administration, had an fwb turn sour to the point where I attempted suicide, and finally date rape - that brought me to my lowest point about a year into my program. I took a leave of absence from school and went to a trauma center to try to figure out more to this PTSD thing and how to get my life on track. The center was helpful and I learned a lot from others in treatment. I also uncovered a lot of pieces to my past that had contributed to the development of the c-ptsd. I went back to school, spent most of my time locked up in my house avoiding the outside world and struggling to keep my focus and attention on my studies.  I passed the first two years of school and I'm in the US to start years 3 and 4 for clinical rotations. As far as I've come, I'm still having a really hard time and am wondering what to do with myself or really just how much more I can stand feeling so weak and isolated. I have a hard time finding people outside of those that I met at the trauma center who understand me to the point that I often wonder that even the c-ptsd might be the wrong diagnosis (but I think that's too much of me stuck in my own head).

What I uncovered in treatment - many years of emotional neglect, abuse, and abandonment by my parents, sexual assault at a younger age with continued poor choice in emotionally abusive partners and at least another 10 cases of assault, lived overseas in a socially & politically volatile country under extreme conditions for 3 years, and abuse and harassment in places of work and study. I think that's the general picture without getting into too much detail.

As I've stated, I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction and my emotional stress is back at an all time high. I'm trying to be proactive to avoid falling down the dark hole and into the vortex. For the past couple of weeks, (possibly months? years?), I'm feeling very alone in the world. That's my intro. Much appreciation and thanks for those who read this.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, tj! We're glad you're here. 

I've found this to be a supportive and informative bunch to bare my soul to. I'm relatively new to this forum, and cptsd awareness. But if there's a group of people anywhere that really "get" what it all means, it's this one! I've never felt so immediately understood and accepted.

I hope finding us has made you feel the same.

Check out the Guidelines for posts, we really strive to keep this a safe place for everyone. Also the Resources section has a ton of info.

Very tired, cutting this short but welcome again! 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi TJColes  and welcome.

What a history you have had. 
I hope and wish this community will be of aid to you in your recovery. 
Yep, it's hard to find companionship with regard to processing the traumatic events that were inflicted upon us with people who have not experienced something like that themselves.

As Three Roses pointed out, the Guidelines or here to keep this a safe place for you and us.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle

PS: if you are using your real name here, you might consider taking an alias. It may give you a more secure sense of privacy and confidentiality.

[TJColes]

Many thanks for the welcome Three Roses & Dutch Uncle! I read through the guidelines and appreciate you looking out for me. TJColes is not my name, nor the name of anyone I know personally... I thought it was generic enough & I couldn't come up with anything better. I actually changed it because I thought my original user name combined with my history might make me more recognizable - even though it would seem more benign to most

I will do some exploring and try to figure things out here. I'm glad to hear that it has been a good experience for you! It is very comforting to know that this will be a good place to connect with others. Cheers!

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome TJ     That's a lot of stress you've been through and continue to deal with    FWIW many of us find that trying to decrease stress and pressure as much as possible in our lives helps bring down the symptoms of CPTSD.  It's difficult to heal when you're in a constant state of anxiety and depression, and trying to hide that from people at work/school/etc.   I reached a pretty bad state a couple of years back and took a leave of absence from work which gave me the time and room to focus on my CPTSD and jumpstart recovery. Perhaps something like that might help?

[TJColes]

Thank you Kizzie - I whole-heartedly agree with your assessment to aim to decrease stress and pressure as much as possible. Everything you said is on target - I did take a leave of absence from school when things got bad (about a year ago) and attended a recovery center that focused on trauma work. I feel like perhaps I need a refresher or something along those lines because I can feel myself edging down the path to crashing once again... This is in large part why I joined the forum to seek a community of people in recovery who are expressing their feelings in a non-judgemental and safe environment. I'm hoping that this forum will help Thanks again for the warm welcome!

[Kizzie]

  to you TJ, I hope you can bring down the stress and that being here will help with that.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can understand feeling lonely ...
Here I find I'm not alone
Identifying and expressing are so healing
Glad u are here too