New here and can't get a grip on my life

[ChaosQueen]

Hi everyone!
I just joined this forum and I'm thrilled that there is a forum for us C-PTSD sufferers!  That is, "thrilled" is not really any emotion I experience... And of course I'm not thrilled that we have to suffer in the first place.
At least none of us is alone.
Does anyone else get this feeling? That I just can't get a grip on my life?  I can't manage to go to bed and then I can't get up. By the time I shower and get dressed, it is early afternoon. I work as a volunteer for a project to make India's villages self-reliant and to increase the quality of life there. It is a beautiful project, and I would like to contribute so much more than I can. I only reach our office in the afternoon. Then I sometimes stay late. I'm not required to be there at certain hours. Sometimes we have meetings in the mornings and I get super stressed out. But I also get side-tracked by so many things, I can't concentrate, and I' m not satisfied with the amount of work I get done. I'm really bad at organizing things and I have no sense of time. Other than this work, I don't get anything done. I barely manage to keep my body and clothes clean. I often miss meals because I just can't get myself organized enough. I feel like someone suffering from ADD, but my doctor said it's all from the c-PTSD. I'm taking antidepressants which help me bounce back faster after a flashback. The meds keep me from having suicidal thoughts. But I still get triggered a lot. My emotions go haywire. I have such low stress and frustration tolerance.  I wish I could get up in the mornings like a normal person, have a normal work routine, socialize like a normal person, and perhaps engage in leisure activities. Am I asking too much of life?
Thanks for letting me ramble on!
ChaosQueen

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, chaos queen! We're glad you're here.   

It is nice to have a group to belong to, where you can say how you feel and what you experience and get no sappy quick-fix advice!

There are strategies for decreasing the severity and length of the EF's you have - it's somewhere in Pete Walker's book "CPTSD from surviving to thriving". I'm fighting a massive headache at the moment or I'd look it up for you. 

Please pop into the Guidelines area for rules and such, we aim to keep this a safe place for you and everyone. There's also a Resources tab with tons of suggested books. Dig in!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi chaos queen
Thank u for sharing -
I can relate as this has been my experience for periods of time.
Quote
'I can't manage to go to bed and then I can't get up '
Have you got into a late cycle ? I know when this happens to me it requires me to take action to break it ...
And also the meds I am on as I take them at night I have sedation in the mornings .. But it is very important that I have a routine that I stick too. When every part of me does not want to get out of bed I remind myself that I have had adequate sleep and to get out of the bed and do my routine but do it kindly and I don't have to do it all full on but just do it at a good pace.
The work you are doing for India sounds very valuable and I can hear your passion for it - congratulate yourself on the good work you are doing ... I know for me I never really feel that I 'do enough ' I work part time as that's what I can cope with
But I hear you that you want to give more ... 'Be normal'
My last bout of not functioning well was when I came off the meds and everything seemed such hard work right down to simple things re self care
How long have you been on the meds ? For me it took 6 mths before I started to really see I was functioning better

Regarding doing leisure activities - is there something you can choose which is enjoyable for you but doesn't require too much effort ? Having something to look forward
To is important I find ....

[ChaosQueen]

Hi Boatsetsailrose,
Thanks for your reply!
Yes, I've gotten into a late cycle. I hardly ever go to bed before 3AM. Then my sleep isn't really so restful... Aren't the hours before midnight supposed to be the most important for sleep?
I've been on meds since three and a half years. My meds (Wellbutrin and Effexor) keep me from sleeping, so I take them in the morning. And I take Trazadone at night to make me sleep. Maybe that's why I can't wake up. And I need at least 8-9 hours of sleep to function, which I don't always get.
I have never been able to stick to any routine in my life, unless it was enforced on me from outside. But if someone or something forces me into a routine, I get stressed out. I had a roommate once who made me follow her daily routine. That time, I somehow had a routine, but I resented my roomate for micromanaging my life.
How do people follow a routine? How do you do it? How do you manage, for example to go to bed? I'm always super focused on something in the evening and I cannot break the spell and stop doing it. For me, there is no tomorrow and I can't tell myself, "Let's finish this tomorrow". I have to stay up until I'm finished with whatever I'm working on. Tomorrow, or even the whole next week, I might not be in a mental state to do anything productive.
Or I'm stuck researching some weird topic on the internet, or reading a book, or watching youtube films. When I get absorbed, then I don't eat, drink, sleep, or even go to the bathroom for many hours. Nobody dare interrupt me! Time and reality cease to exist. The consequences of staying up all night don't enter into my consciousness. The voice of reason shouting, "Go to bed!!!" has zero impact. I can't choose what to get absorbed in. It just happens. Normally, I have such a hard time focussing and I get distracted by my co-workers. Only when I'm alone in our office at night, I get something done.
Leisure activities for me would be reading, painting or drawing, or just sitting by the seashore and looking at the waves, if I'd get the time.
Thanks, again, for your concern!
ChaosQueen

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Chaos     You might want to have a read through any threads having to do with dissociation and see if any of them resonate with you.  Like most of here you may have ways of "going away" (dissociating) as a way of helping you to not feel the underlying pain.  It's a great strategy as a kid when you can't escape trauma/abuse, but it makes life hard as an adult. There's a good book "Working Through Trauma Related Dissociation" that some of us are (slowly) working through (see http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=195.0), I say slowly because dissociating isn't something you can stop doing over night, it takes time and practice and with good reason, lots of feelings buried to process with CPTSD unfortunately.

Glad you made your way here and hope you find some good support and information here. 

[Sea Fairy]

I can really identify with this. My CPTSD started to spin out of control this year at the age of 53. I was a very high functioning mother, grandmother and business owner. Totally unflappable and successful. I am sitting on my sofa at 6pm and have not managed to shower or even brush my teeth. I have been in intensive therapy for 8 months and on antidepressants for just a month. I am desperate for them to start working. I have 75 people working for me who rely on me to run my business well. I could really use some hope right now.

[ChaosQueen]

Hi Sea Fairy,
Thanks for sharing!
It's strange, isn't it, to be well functioning and then all of a sudden it all falls apart? It must be frightening and humiliating. I congratulate you that you made it up to the age of 53, that you managed to raise kids and run a business. I mean it, I think it is an amazing accomplishment for someone who struggles with C-PTSD. 
I have actually never been highly functioning. But I was functioning to the point where I could pass off as normal. But on the inside I was always stressed and miserable, driven by my Inner Critic and having no self-esteem. It took a lot of energy to numb all my emotions and seem normal. Then, suddenly, at the age of 34, I had a mental breakdown and I could no longer hide my depression. Perhaps I ran out of energy? I don't really know. When I started intense  therapy, I stopped functioning altogether. Perhaps all my remaining energy and focus was taken up by my inner processes? The meds didn't help me in the beginning, either, since it took a while to find the right ones. Now my mood is more stable. I'm still not really functioning, but I am learning not to judge myself. Without my Inner Critic, I'm not very efficient. But perhaps one day I'll learn to act as an adult and manage my life. Who knows.
All in all, I am grateful that I had this breakdown and that I have a chance now to live a life more suited to my needs. I may not be functioning as well, but I am learning to be more at peace with myself and the world.
I wish you the best, Sea Fairy, and that your antidepressants work for you. Please don't judge yourself for ceasing to function! It must have taken you super-human strength to get this far in your life and it's understandable that you are exhausted.
Lots of love,
ChaosQueen

[Sea Fairy]

Thank you for the kind words.

[Rhino Warrior]

Wow, I just joined this forum and this thread really helped resonates with me.  Both what you two (Chaos Queen and Sea Fairy) describe fits my situation.  I have 3 great kids (2 in college and 1 in high school) which makes it appear I am a competent Dad and my resume and past career (former business owner) makes it seem like I can be a competent professional. But I know better.  It's not working and something has to change.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Sea fairy things will get better ..
I was where u are in March and it felt like *
I went back on anti dep and slowly regained my capacity for functioning ..
I'd say a couple of mths to come up and then a few more to get further stable
I had 1 mth off work
But of course u will recover in the time it takes
Be kind to yourself