Just realized what's wrong with me

[Monriss]

Hi, I've been going through a rough time lately. I cheated on my husband a couple months ago, and I could not figure out why I did that. I was very unsettled with myself this time, even though I have cheated in the past. I started thinking and realized I got married for security and to try to escape. I knew something was going on with me, I had no idea what. So I researched relentlessly until I came across an article on c-ptsd and realized I have nearly every symptom listed. I finally understand why I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. I had no idea all of the symptoms were related. I assumed there were just a million things wrong with me. I never even realized I was dissociating until I began trying to figure out what happened in my marriage. I don't remember where the trauma started, only that more and more traumatic events kept happening in my life as a child and I was neglected when I should have been supported. I've felt this way for at least 16 years now that I remember. I'm 21 now. I explained things to my husband, and he was understanding and tried to be supportive, but it was overwhelming for him. I understand that. I'm trying not to hate myself or feel excessive shame. I am about to be divorced at 21. I have a plan to get through this and started seeing a therapist. I stopped caring about taking my antidepressants months ago and have become very inconsistent because I don't believe they are working anymore. But I'm afraid to try anything new because I think I need to feel my pain a little bit at a time to get through it. Does any of this make sense? I have an overwhelming pain in the pit of my stomach, and it starts giving me panic attacks at the littlest stressors. Anyway, I just need to know I'm not making all of this up. I wasn't born crazy. I think I'm becoming more clear headed, but I'm constantly doubting myself. Help?

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Monriss! We're glad you're here.   

More than a few of us have felt a sense of relief when we find an explanation for things that bewildered us. You're making perfect sense. .

If you go here http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm I think that will give you some immediate relief. That site has tons of rely helpful info.

Welcome to our little community! We're happy you've found us. 

[Monriss]

Hello and welcome, Monriss! We're glad you're here.   

More than a few of us have felt a sense of relief when we find an explanation for things that bewildered us. You're making perfect sense. .

If you go here http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm I think that will give you some immediate relief. That site has tons of rely helpful info.

Welcome to our little community! We're happy you've found us. 

Thank you. I didn't even know I was having flashbacks because my memory is so spotty. I'm learning so much about myself every day now. It is proving to be exhausting, but comforting.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Monriss
Yes I relate to the pain in the stomach and the anxiety / fear - I can get v oveewhelmed at things and need to pace myself, get enough rest and remember to have some nice things planned too. It's important I don't stay in my head for too long !
Re the anti dep - if u are coping without them that is good right ?
I came off mine but crashed really badly and am back on them..
I quite agree to feeling the feelings - I don't plan to be on the long term but for now they help me to function on a day to day basis

Getting out of your marriage is commendable and that you recognised it was for ' security and trying to escape' and not the right reasons..
Hard time to go through and I know for me coming out of relationship last yr it took time to grieve and grow into another life

The forum here I find v helpful and validating and welcome you

[theaquarist]

Hi Monriss. I'm 3 years older than you and new here as well. I am empathize with what you have done and gone through. 

I want to cheer you on  and let you know that you are in a prime position to start getting want you really want from life. I know trauma and ptsd can seem like a big long hard Job that must be Done. It helps me to think of things like this as opportunities. It's what keeps me going and what keeps me trying.

I hope the day ends well for you and that you smiled today