New member

[Kcrystal2]

Hi all 👋

I have ptsd/cptsd. As a kid I had to do the household chores and my dad's pigions/pigion coop). My dad took my brother's to do stuff and wouldn't allow me to participate because I was a girl. Including simple things going to the store for candy etc. Found out my uncle was peeping for who knows how long at 15. My mom protected her sister the drama and my dad from Jail. My first boyfriend (15 he was 18) and husband was physically abusive, controlling. I got a restraining order. Workd hard to support my daughter had a good job. Had a stranger peeping-tom. 4yrs later met dated/married 14 yrs to a narcissist. I didn't see it at first it took years (although he did say stupid things like I'm grooming you). His own mom helped me leave him them became silent to protect herself. He got to the judge first, claiming kidnapper who painted herself in a corner with the kids. I say emotionally but it was much more. The court system failed me even though dhs was called by someone when he was drunk driving with the kids. They ignored every valid concern I had. He still refuses to sell or refinance the/our home just to keep me from my share. Courts do nothing in my experience. He still holds me financially hostage.
I nearly died of cancer from a tumor rupture, then chemo while we lived in a trailer because our home was flooded. Things just kept happening and money was always an issue because of it. Work-I was chosen amongst my co-workers to be fired because they were downsizing the business. I heard it was because I was the most stable but I wasn't They tried to say I was insensitive to my coworkers and tried to deny my unemployment. I won but I was treated like I did something to deserve it by my husband. Then disregarded by him because I wasn't contributing financially. Honestly there is no way to summarize the damage. My emotions are always at the surface or spewing over it feels. Small upsets are emotionally stronger than they should be.

I have been seeking help for 8 years have a medical team I can't afford). I have made good progress in understanding truama and what it does. It took a long time to get to the cptsd. Understanding long-term relationship truama was key.
The things I read here ring the same or similar for me. I go through periods of shutdown and nothing pressing will get done. I snap out of it and return to my normal more responsible self. The war preparedness cycle of thinking seems constant and covers all sorts of senerios. Eating is difficult and I get nausea randomly daily. Feeling impending doom/anxiety and panic attacks. I have made progress though.

No family or friends for support. My current bf (reside together) isn't abusive but we don't talk about anything important at all). Sometimes I talk to him and he just looks at me while I'm talking like he's listening but says nothing in reply.

I've recently had a big set back and it was caused by words used to make it seem like I just need to get it together from my mom,her husbandand my brother. They say things like relationships have a romance periods or comments making it seem like I'm just in lala land and need to get it together. I was making a plan with my brother and asked him not to say anything..he told mom. They discuss what is best for me because I don't have it together (I've recently discovered). They don't think I should behave any different than any other person.
Guessing I need to close the door there..
I'm definitely self aware already due to the years of abuse so if someone trusted says anything otherwise I regress.
That feeling of impending doom, somethings wrong and a brutal war planning cycle of various things.
I miss restful sleep and waking up like it's a new day..because I still feel the same as i did yesterday.

[GoSlash27]

Hi, Kcrystal.

 Welcome aboard. You're among good people.

Best,
-Slashy

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Kcrystal2!

I'm sorry about all what you have gone through. And then those words/opinions on "you just need to get your act together" or similar      That's not how we see it here, we know differently.

Seeing as you need some support, I am glad you found us at OOTS and I hope you find this forum as helpful and welcoming as I and many others have found it. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Kcrystal and a warm welcome to OOTS. I'm sorry you've been through so much and are still dealing with a lot. I hope it helps to talk about all that here. One of the nicest thing about OOTS is that everyone gets it so you feel heard and validated.  Oftentimes members will have some good suggestions to try as well.

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome, Kcrystal!