Missing People

[movementforthebetter]

Been thinking of object constancy the past couple weeks. I realized my lack of secure attachments in childhood means I have a tough time believing I am cared about when I am not with the people in my life, including family, friends, and significant others.

I have one friend who is the exception. She frequently texts me to see how I am and asks specifically about things I spoke of, so I know she thinks of me and cares. But with pretty much everyone else in my life, contact is more random and I have a lot of trouble imagining them as thinking of me when we aren't in contact.

Worse, I have some selfishness in me and I can forget to think about others very much in a meaningful way when I am not with them and life gets busy. I am embarrassed that I have many friendships I neglected over the years. I have found small gifts I never sent, sealed and addressed letters never sent, promises left unfulfilled for various reasons. I can be a terrible flake at times and it fills me with guilt and shame. I know communication is a two way street and I did not keep up my end well. Things always start out well and then trail off into silence over time. I don't count social media interactions as meaningful.

Communication is one of my main life values, ironically. Both despite and because of my upbringing. It's a life's work.

I made some efforts to meaningfully reconnect with people this year and mostly it has gone better than I expected. But now I'm encountering a challenge I must have burried in the past: the pain of missing people.

Whenever people I am used to being in contact with are unavailable for a time, I miss them intensely. I start to think of them too much now, sometimes nearing obsession. I don't think it's normal and it doesn't seem healthy. It hurts to have a hole in me that is the exact size and shape of a person I care about. I think that the repeated pains might actually be why I have let things fade in the past. I desparately feared loneliness without knowing the deeper reasons why. It was like repeatedly grieving people when parted for too long.

I think I am now face to face with my fear of abandonment, even though I have done some EMDR on it and somehow thought that meant it should be resolved. What it actually means is I am now in the position to face it and feel it which I had not been allowing myself to do for years.

My inner child is crying out to every person I become close with to not be left alone. It must be so off-putting to those that perceive the neediness. I know I would find it unattractive. But tonight I will listen to my inner child's needs and try my best to soothe her and remind her that she will never be alone because she has me to be with her now.  I hope that is enough to comfort myself, too. If it isn't I'm not sure what will be.

[Sandstone]

Hi movementforthebetter,

I can relate to the flakiness as im the same even down to unsent gifts/letters.  I have trouble keeping in touch with people and it makes me feel bad.
Good on you for making more of an effort recently tho.
I dont really have any answers for you as im not quite as along the journey as you are. But you have given me something to think about thank you. I havnt done inner child work yet.
Letting people back in makes us vulnerable to abandonment again and it hurts.   Reassuring your little one is a good thing and i hope the pains of missing someone lessens for you 

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks Sandstone. I appreciate your encouragement. I am not formally doing inner child work, and have no idea if I'm doing it "right".

I cried myself to sleep last night. Tried to stay with my inner child and really have a conversation but she kept drifting away and eventually I was just tired enough to sleep. I kept slipping towards fantasizing and had to pull myself back into the reality of my feelings. It was very confusing.

I'm wondering now if the way past these feelings of abandonment might not be just to go through all of them for each person as they happen. To allow myself to grieve as many times as I need too. It feels so much like dwelling on the pain and yet it always returns and I want so desparately to just know that the world isn't ending when I miss people and am lonely. Because many times it feels like it is.

I have many facebook friends who make vulnerable posts about their struggles with anxiety, etc, and get lots of support. But I can never bring myself to do that. My struggles feel too complex, my needs too great, to simply put myself out there like that. Even though there's more awareness of depression, what we are going through is so much bigger, and I am afraid of what would change if I went public with my struggles with cptsd.

My friends are great support when I see them. When I don't though, I can fall into the pit of abandonment pretty easily. I tried to keep myself busy yesterday, but my usual methods of soothing and staying healthy weren't enough to keep the emotions at bay.