What do friends do?

[AncientSoul]

I'm trying to understand myself, but most of all, I'm trying to understand the friends that I've had for many years. I've posted in the family group before, as my sister has done so many things to hurt me since I was a child as well as hurt my family. My sister is best described as a Malignant Narcissist, and her path of destruction seems unreal. I was groomed all my life by her. I've been no contact (NC) since 2010, but she continually tries to claw me back into her web.

I've talked about some of my experiences here. It's been helpful. But my friends, who I have known for decades, tell me to "get over it". They choose not to listen or understand CPTSD. That is their choice, and there is nothing I can do about that, except to not say anything.

As for myself, I'm an em-path, always trying to help people. At least I believe I am. Within me I feel deep compassion for people and do not like to see suffering. My sister and her children exploit me to this day, and I let them. It has put me into a tough situation financially, and years ago my sister herself told me that she was going to make sure that I spend every dime that I have, because "she" was promised everything and even all that I myself have worked for, paid for and fought for is her "children's legacy". If you're wondering why, I don't have any exes or children, and I bought and paid for the families properties that I own. I'm the one that paid fair price to own what I have. My sister came in and took and cheated her way to ownership. I let her. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so greedy and untrustworthy. I created my own mess.

Even before my mother died years ago, (I became caregiver for my elderly relatives) my friends quit visiting me. I had always been the one that took the time to drive and see them. After learning to understand CPTSD, I sat back and saw that people only called me and visited me when they had an agenda to get something from me. They wouldn't take the time or spend the money to visit me unless they "got something" out of it besides visiting. So I backed off, waited and hoped.

The result was I didn't hear from my old friends. None of them called and checked on me, unless it was to tell me to come and visit them, because they "missed me". I responded saying that the road goes both ways and that my door is always open. I live in a big house all alone, bedrooms upstairs and available, and I wash the sheets on the beds every month, though they are not used. My place is beautiful, though old, lived in, but not messy. It is a happy environment and I'm proud that I own it. If by chance one of my friends has visited, I try to make it a comfortable experience for them. But when they do visit, it is because they want something.

It is the same with my nieces and nephews. They don't visit me. They owe me money, as I've helped them a great deal in the past, and even now they take from me by not paying me rent and living in a house I own, which I am majority owner. I haven't received rent from that house since 2009. My niece, her fiance and his kids live there. They have always had jobs. The house is to supplement my retirement. I've spoken about it before in another forum on this site.

Well, it is my birthday coming up this Friday, August 26th. I will be 62 years old. My long time friend called me up and asked about apples and fruit, as my house is in an orchard. He asked if he could get some and wanted to drive down. He lives less than two hours away. I said I would be here and for him to bring containers.

He verified that he was coming, I figured he would bring his wife. So I dusted things off, picked things up and thought about what to do to make it a nice visit for them. It made me happy to know that my friends were coming. So I made fresh pizza dough, prepared topping for the pizza, and got things ready to make homemade pizza for us all. I waited, waited, waited then figured that once again I was being dissed. Then I got a phone call, and that he would be at my place at 4:30 in the afternoon. It was on Sunday. He said he was just leaving. I said "Okay", looking at the time. I said, "I hope you have time for a beer and something to eat." He said, "I don't think that's possible as I have another appointment." I said, "Okay" and he hung up.

It was record setting temperatures, he was supposed to pick his own fruit, as I had injured myself earlier this summer and broke my leg and arm in a fall after a support gave way when I was working aloft. My leg is now healed, but it is another few months for my arm. I looked at the time, got containers and went out to pick fruit to make it easier for him. I picked pears, several varieties of apples, crab apples and loaded the bags up. I hurt and was tired.

I got another call, he was stuck in traffic. He showed up at 5:30, he parked and talked, and I said that I knew he had to go. He said to me, "No big deal, I was supposed to meet friends at 7pm, but I can't make it now, so I'll talk to you." This was my oldest friend, and it hurt me to hear that. But I said nothing, because I'm used to it.

I had gone ahead and made one pizza, as I myself was hungry and really didn't expect anyone to show up as usual. He had one piece, asked for a beer, as it was hot, then he said he had to go pick apples. I showed him what I had, all ready for him. He looked at the pears, apples and all that, he loaded them up and his vehicle was weighted down. I figure there were maybe four hundred pounds of fruit. He sat and talked for a few minutes, then he left. He never offered to compensate me for all that organic and prime fruit. But my nature is that I don't ask for payment, and take was is offered. He didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday early. He didn't even thank me for the fruit.

I did say something about my sister, as he made a statement about the rental house my niece was living in. He told me to "buck up and get over it." It's difficult to explain that I've been doing my best, but the years of abuse at the hands of my sister, its a tough thing for me.

It's my birthday in a few days. I'm going to have dinner and treat myself to a nice time. I get along well with people, I enjoy people, and a month ago I made reservations on my birthday at a James Beard rated restaurant and invited a woman I know to have dinner with me. I doubt she will go and I'm sure she will have an excuse. She said its on her calendar. My friends had started a party for that weekend for my birthday, but they changed it saying that they had too much to do with family. Having had this happen before in the past, is why I made that dinner reservation. I didn't tell anyone other than the woman I invited.

I'm well educated, told I'm very handsome, don't do drugs or drink much and have won many awards in my lifetime for competitions and for my volunteer work to help children. I'm proud of the things I have done, yet I must have something about me that doesn't attract friends. My friends are retired, travel all over the world, have great vacations which are expensive, and I'm happy for them. But they don't take the time to see me. I sometimes think that I'm the one that is nuts.

Thanks for listening.

[sanmagic7]

at the very least, happy birthday in advance.  i do hope you get to enjoy your day.  let us know how it went.

it was very sad to read this.  i've had friends like yours, many of them over the years.  it's not a good feeling to realize that all you are is a big teat for others to suck on - sorry if that's too graphic, but i've felt like that for a long time.  and, i have a narc sister as well, who was bullying me from the time we were kids.  she broke our relationship off over 25 yrs. ago as a mean, hurtful thing.  today, i know that she did me a favor.

i hope that, as you continue in recovery, you are able to find the boundaries you need to put an end to people sucking you dry, and that you will meet new friends who will reciprocate your kindness and generosity.  you deserve that, no less. 

as far as 'get over it', that's the mark, in my mind, of someone who doesn't 'get' it, doesn't want to, and won't.  they will, however, take advantage every chance they get.  i do hope that your financial stuff gets straightened out soon.  unfortunately, i believe as long as you allow those squatters to live rent-free, they, too, will take advantage.  you also deserve fairness for yourself. 

are you seeing someone professional to help you with this?  you deserve some very real support trying to manage the many layers of what you shared.  you deserve so much more than what you are getting.  my very best to you as you struggle with this. 

[radical]

I'm so sorry.

This has been a pattern for me, too.  I  know how much it hurts.  You do deserve so much more, but you need to believe you do.  I never knew how to accept.  I'm learning now.  I didn't realise that about myself,  I thought I had to pay an admission price.  I kept paying it.   I didn't feel just worthy.  I was wrong.  I am worthy just as I am, no fee required, and you are too.

I have to go because I have a lot on.  I feel full of tears reading this.

There are some good threads in 'Out of the Fog' in the 'Working on Ourselves' section in which a whole lot of people talk about just what you are saying here.  It made me know that I'm not crazy or worth less than others.  Later, I will dig out the threads that helped me and post a link to the site.  It's a sister site to this one.

Big cyber hugs if you want them.  You are not alone

I will remember your birthday on Saturday (if you are in the Northern hemisphere that will be Friday).

[AncientSoul]

Thank you for your response's . Your words and thoughts mean a lot to me. I use this forum to get things off my chest. It does help.

Right after I posted this, I checked my email and found an email from the woman I mentioned. She said she was very excited about my birthday this upcoming Friday and is looking forward to seeing me and for dinner. She works a lot and travels all over the world. I've known her for six years as colleagues, she is much younger than me and an incredible woman. She has introduced me to nearly her whole family over the years and introduces me as her good friend. My friends are mad at me for being friends with her. She is very beautiful. (She's also good looking too.)

I haven't told any of my friends what my plans really are. I'm sure they would be mad at me. The woman is 24 years younger than me, so that makes her 38. But like I said, I have no one, she has no kids, and we get along great and always have.

You're right. My friends don't get it in telling me to "get over it". And thanks for saying that I deserve to be happy. I also believe that. I'm from a very long lived family, but being happy for a year or for a hundred years. What difference does it make if you're happy.

[sanmagic7]

yay!  i'm so glad she responded in such a an enthusiastic manner.  personally, it sounds like there's some jealousy going around amongst your friends.  i hope you two have a wonderful time on fri.  again, happy birthday in advance.  may it be a lovely day for you.

[radical]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANCIENT SOUL

[sanmagic7]

a very happy birthday to you.  i sincerely hope you enjoy your day, and have a wonderful time!!!   yay!!!

[Sandstone]

 Happy belated birthday AncientSoul 

You sound like you need some new friends! Friends dont treat other friends that way. Its a two way street and not just taking.
Putting boundaries in sounds a good way. You are worth being treat better. They will continue to take,  for as long as you allow.
If you find they dont come around anymore then count your blessings, you dodged a bullet. The path is being cleared to make way for new, genuine, worthwile friendships.
I hope everything goes well with the lady, she sounds nice   

[Summer Sun]

Happy belated birthday Ancient Soul! I hope your dinner and time with your lady friend went wonderfully. 

True friends reciprocate kindnesses, effort, thoughtfulness, activities to connect.  I learned in business the importance of reciprocity, and, to give first.  So I generally do make the first effort, am generous by nature.  But I have learned, it is not all up to me, I give others the chance to reciprocate.  If they don't, I get the message they are not interested.  I used to feel rejected, but this too has changed, we are each different, and not all going to be warm and fuzzy.

My family is pretty much takers.  I the giver.  If I could not be used or useful to them, or said no the co-signing a loan for a nephew I never heard from or saw for decades, well, there has never been any more effort of contact.  Sometimes there are crumbs tossed my way, intermittent reinforcement, or Hoover attempts when they sense my distance.  This type of relationship I need to manage, detach, establish boundaries. 

Wishing you strength, success, wisdom and the love you deserve.

Summer Sun

[AncientSoul]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. It means a lot to me.

My birthday on Friday was nothing less than spectacular. She said she was off work around 5ish. I drove into the city where she lives and arrived around 6:30. We had reservations for 7:45. I text-ed her to let her know exactly when I would be there, and when I got there I rang the buzzer and she opened the door to let me in. I received the biggest hug from her. Then she sat me down and had champagne all ready for us.

We talked and laughed, as for the few years I have known her, it's like we've known each other forever. Then she jumped up to get dressed and call the Uber she arranged. I was going to call a taxi, but she had it all taken care of. She left to her bedroom, then a few minutes later she came out. To tell you the truth, I have never seen any woman as beautiful and classy as she was right then. And I'm used to being around beautiful women. I literally couldn't speak as she took my breath away.

The Uber arrived, the restaurant was a short way and we got there a few minutes before the reservation. We walked in talking and laughing, heads were turning with people looking at her, and I was on cloud 9. We were immediately seated.

I brought a bottle of a special wine I had wanted to have for my birthday. Very rare and I offered the server and wine staff a taste after it was decanted. It was a 1979 Columbia Millennium Cabernet. The server took a sample, came back and thanked me. We ordered two cocktails that were specialties of the house. They were so good we ordered two more.

I don't know who was in the restaurant, it was packed, I couldn't take my eyes off her and she and I seemed like no one else was there. We ordered the food, shared everything as it was served family style, and we talked and laughed the whole time. The drinks hit me and I became a bit of a motor mouth. She laughed and said it was "all good". The wine I brought was a real treat, and she said so and was honored I included her. I said I had two more bottles at home, and she said she couldn't wait to try them too.

We finished, I took care of the check as she went to the ladies room. And when she got back we decided it was late and she called the Uber to pick us up.

We had another bottle of wine at her place, and my motor mouth started going. I was being a perfect gentleman as I didn't wish to make her mad at me. After all, she is my friend. She had given me a card before we left, stating that she is looking forward to many more years of friendship with me. She could probably have any guy in the world.

She took my shoes and socks off to make me more comfortable, I thought about hitting on her, but didn't. She knows about my CPTSD and also about my last relationship that ended four years ago where I was totally used by my girlfriend and hurt pretty bad. (She knew my ex-girlfriend). So I remained a gentleman, though I really wanted to kiss her. I sat up as we were outside and heading inside, and I said to her, "You must have tons of guys hitting on you." She turned to me and said, "No one ever does."

We finished the wine sitting watching Netflix on her couch, and she changed into something cooler for bed. I stayed away from her at arms length, we laughed and talked, then the drinking hit me and that was all for me. She tucked me in on the couch and she went to her bedroom.

The next morning I had the worst hangover, and she had to leave to help on a project that she had made a promise to do. Tearing off a roof on a shed and rebuilding it. Payback for someone helping her move. She was quiet, (hangover too)

I got the biggest hug from her, I said goodbye and left, thanking her. I was in no shape to think and I went home and went to bed and woke up Sunday.

She takes good care of me always. On that night she treated me better than all the girlfriends I've even had treated me combined. But she also said that night on the porch that she didn't feel a spark for me, then she added to that "we don't know what the future will bring."

My CPTSD makes me fear rejection. My ex-girlfriend really hurt me. And I've talked about my friends. I saw my friend on Sunday at a memorial service. They seemed very mad at me for going out with my friend for my birthday. They did not approve. None of them offered, none of them were interested in how good a time I had. Their wives showed me how much they didn't like it and shut me off.

So my friend is 38, I'm 62 and that's a problem. I'm in near perfect athletic shape, when I'm in photos with her friends, I look like I fit in their age group. No one can tell. And she always tells me that I'm very handsome. Yet my friends disapprove.

I know I need to start thinking of myself and to * with what others think. But I think I may have blown it with my friend by not hitting on her. I sincerely wanted to. I just didn't wish to hurt her feelings if I was wrong. That's the bottom line, I was thinking of her.

To tell you the truth, I would marry her in a heartbeat. She's that great. But back in my mind I feel she deserves the best. I also know I deserve the best too.

Thanks for your kindness and happy birthdays. It was a birthday I will never, ever forget.