being triggered and holding it all in - triggers

Started by Dee, August 25, 2016, 02:04:31 AM

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Dee


So I think I am about to break and I've been keeping it to myself, with the exception of my T.  I've been pretending to be doing better than I am.  I learned this well as a child.

To try to make a super long story short, my great nephews (4&6) have recently come to live with my sister (their grandmother) for a short time while her son (who has custody) gets things together.  They have been abused by a drug addict mother who tried to kill my nephew and was convicted of domestic violence.  My nephew is guilty of neglect, if my sister admits it or not, but he has been given full custody.  The boys have a lot of issues.

I have been relating to the boys I think.  My sister is having a hard time and I have been feeling like I need to rescue them.  I think if I had one relative who cared when I was a kid maybe I would be different today.  This has led to nightmares every night, major stress, and I opened my tool box of unhealthy coping skills.  I have restricted food, I have drank some, and more.  I'm not sleeping, my thinking is spiraling out of control and I'm very critical of myself.

There is it, I'm a mess, exhausted, and I'm doing better than my sister.  Poor kids, to be born into a family like mine.

My therapist would like me to have more support (or any support).  She says the last two weeks especially she can see it on my face.  She is worried about my recovery.  When I wore a sweater in the southwest in the summer she knew what happened.

I don't know what anyone can say, but I'm at least letting it out some.  I'm in full PTSD mode right now.

Three Roses

 :hug: We care about you.

Sometimes it's enough to just be a present, caring adult who listens really well. You might not have answers for them, but they'll know they can talk to you as they find their own answers.

But the person you need to take care of first?  That's you. In order to be there for them, you must first be there for yourself.

Be gentle with yourself. It's an unrealistic expectation to think you can save anyone, except yourself. But you can be someone in their lives, and your nephew's, hopefully your sister's, who they know cares about them - sometimes that's all you can do, and that's enough.

I'll say again - we care about you, I care about you. I'm glad you're here. :)

radical

 :hug:

You can let it out.  No wonder you're triggered.  I see my FOO once a year and it wipes me out every time.

Dutch Uncle

Hi Dee, what a tough spot you're in.  :hug:
:thumbup: for reaching out, first and foremost to your T.  :applause:

What a tough spot the little kids are in, and your sister. And her son, as neglectful enabler he probably is.
It's clear all this is triggering for you, "Poor kids, to be born into a family like mine."
I can relate: I see my brother passing down the family dysfunction on to his kids. For a decade now, and it's only getting worse.
It's hard to emotionally distance myself (in fact I can't) so I have (had) to make to choice to physically distance myself.

Something that might help you are the three C's Rule:
"I didn't Cause it,
I can't Cure it,
and...
I can't Control it."

Please do not try to fix it. The only thing you can do is to be there for them when you can, not when you feel you have to. Because you don't have to. They are the kids of your sister's son.
How is the contact with your sister? Is she "Out of the FOG" so to speak? If so, you might be working together with her, when you can. If she isn't, possibly this will make the situation all the more triggering to you.

I guess there is a small silver lining: Drug addicted 'mom' has been separated from her children, which is both sad but good as well: the immediate abuse has stopped now, and the kids have a chance to now arrive on a path of recovery. Which is an asset so early in their lives, I surmise.

As Three Roses has said: "In order to be there for them, you must first be there for yourself." So if you get overwhelmed by triggers, this is probably the time to speak with your T, and/or others, to talk and vent about your similar experiences in your childhood.
No need to rush though. Recovery is in baby-steps.

:hug:

Dee


All, thank you, it does help to know I have some support.  I appreciate virtual hugs. 

My sister cannot see through the fog.  Thanks to the advice of my therapist I actually told her that I can't help you right now, find a therapist you can.  She said for me to become a broken record.  She has made the first step in her life to getting better.  She went to her doctor and started antidepressants and sleeping medication.  For her it is a giant leap forward.

I added the 3 Cs on a sticky to my bathroom mirror.  I really like that.

I added another one this week as well.  I read about relapse in recovery.  It said if the roof is leaking on the couch, do you sit on a wet couch with water dripping on you?  No, you move the couch and patch the roof.  Recovery is a lot like that.

So my mirror this week reads:

C x 3
Move the couch, patch the roof.

I am going to try to model taking care of myself to both my sister and the boys.