Fed up of cptsd - wishing I was 'normal

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
I'm not normally someone who goes into 'why me' that much but today I am ...
I'm just on my way to going away again and I know I'm blessed I can do this but my neg thinking is 'what's the point if I'm going to be triggered like last time and find life so overwhelming on return ...
Re entry ....
Before I went away last time I was in a really good space emotionally , mentally and coping with work well - since returning I've been finding the everyday so difficult , mentally not in a good space and hating my life ( when there is nothing wrong with it )
Think I've also been experiencing the 'abandonment depression ' that pete w talks about ...

I don't want to feel like a child in an adult body - re experiencing feelings seemingly even worse than the first time I felt them yet with no external triggers -- I mean who wants that !!

The anti dep stop me from going completely off the scale and using addictions yet on the other hand I am emotionally blocked in some ways and also have brain lethargy to learn about cptsd -
I need to take pete w book piece by piece to make sense of it ...

Thank u for letting
Me rant ...
I'm fed up today and I know the best I can do is be kind to myself and take it one step at a time ( and not live in the future

Thank u for being here

[Dutch Uncle]

 

I'm happy you are here.

[Contessa]

Rant away BSSR, whatever it takes to help you through is what's best.  We're here for you.

The steps may be small but if they're going forward from this point forward, every day is a better day 

[Jdog]

We have all been there, boat.  Would reading some poetry help?  It is something that works for me at times.  I don't know whom you enjoy reading, but Mary Oliver is a favorite and her poem "Wild Geese" is so very touching and motivating. 

Best wishes and hang in there.  This too shall pass.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi BoatSSR,



It's good to let it out. I think it's also good you are going away again. You might have a different experience this time, and even if you do find it similar, know that we are here for you when you get back.

I "joke" with people about needing a vacation from vacation but I find I honestly mean it.

Not sure if this has ever happened to you before, but I always find I feel depressed after a vacation no matter if it was good. The return to routine is particularly difficult for me. It got to the point that I always had to leave a vacation day at the end of a trip for revovery at home, and started returning to work on a Friday so my despair at being back was interrupted right away by a weekend.

I've also had coworkers (management, unlike me) who'd just consistently call in sick the day they were supposed to return to work, so I think it's more common than people let on.

Hope you have a better time this time, and I look forward to hearing your experiences if you feel like talking about it when you get back.

[Dee]

In the past when I have taken a vacation I have built in a few days on the return for being back.  It's time to catch up on laundry, feel my environment, and take it easy.  That has worked for me.

It's hard not to think why me.  It does seem extremely unfair that some people have never heard of cptsd yet alone live it.  And you know what, it is unfair, but then life isn't fair.  My kids are older and when they tell me something isn't fair I tell them that is the way it is.  It is a good lesson now and they have to learn to deal with it.   So here we all are, having to deal with it, at least we have each other. 

[sanmagic7]

yes, we do have each other, boatsetsailrose.  i hear ya!  and i have been taking extra days to 'be' home after vacations for a long timer.    i hated having to plunge into the work routine without a sort of buffer zone. 

i'm just glad you have a place to rant, get those crummy feelings out, and let them be here instead of within you.  i hope the vacation goes well. 

[ChaosQueen]

Hi boatsetsailrose,
Did you enjoy yourself when you were away last time? If yes, then at least you've gained some positive memories.
I can totally relate to having difficulties with coming back from a trip. I don't do well with transitions. Any changes in the outside environment and the travelling in itself destabilize me. Even before my C-PTSD got out of control, I would struggle so much returning to work and an everyday routine. Now, I don't have an everyday routine to return to. But if I stay in one place, at least I have a familiar environment surrounding me. Both the going away and the coming back are super stressful for me. When I come back, I just want to lay in bed for a week. Therefore, I try to avoid going anywhere as much as I can.
Somebody told me that changes in location can excacerbate depression.
Of course, "Just stay home and don't go anywhere." is not the solution for everyone... 
Do be kind to yourself when you feel so fed up. If you already feel like life sucks now, it can't get much worse when you come back, right?
I totally understand that you wish you were "normal". Normal people might not have these difficulties to such an extent as we are experiencing. I don't know what it feels like to be normal, so I'm just guessing.
It's great that you have the courage to go away, even when it's difficult coming back! Have a great time! 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you chaos queen it helps so much that others understand and have true empathy -