Fear of IC Work

[Kizzie]

I just wrote about this to some extent in my recovery journal but I thought it would be relevant here as well.  I have my third appt with my new T tomorrow and I am already fretting about doing more IC work.  Not to scare anyone off from doing this really important recovery work, but I just realized that two days after seeing him is when I had an angry EF relating to a present day problem, but which dredged up so many feelings from the past.  I had forgotten that my T had said there might be some fallout (I think because at the time I was holding a teddy bear and feeling a little uncomfortable doing so), and until today just thought it was simply the present day trigger that had taken me back to the past and being at my parents' mercy.  I was left feeling quite uncomfortable that it had happened so quickly and intensely, but today remembering that it had come on soon after my appt gave me a big piece of the puzzle.

I realize it had to do with the IC work we did only two days before the pension situation came up and because my younger self was closer to the surface  - zoom, she reacted swiftly and intensely to what felt like a old situation.  Again, not to scare anyone off as I did learn a lot because of it, especially in feeling those old feelings and from a younger me's point of view. As I mentioned in my other post I can intellectualize until the cows come home, but feelings are scary so I have avoided getting down to any IC work other than seeing to it that she has more fun these days.     

Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Sounds like a good plan.

I've been procrastinating that, too. There are always so very many good and solid reasons not to face one's past feelings, it's quite amazing.

[Kizzie]

Yes, it's like  "I've already gone through so much pain, why on earth would I willingly want to feel any of that again."         

[globetrotter]

It took me almost a year.to get.past Thursday morning anxiety attacks hours before therapy. Now I just.feel extreme discomfort waiting for her to answer.the door. (Ha) I think we reach a comfort level when we realize we go there and grow there. It takes some time.to.settle in talking about what we were required to stuff. It feels.like someone will jump from behind the couch and accuse of betrayal.for.tapping into.Pandora's box.

[Kizzie]

Tks GT, I shall keep in mind that T is a place to go and grow - I like that very much!   

[pam]

I think it's a good sign actually that the feelings (her feelings) are closer to the surface, even tho it can be very inconvenient in the present situation. And this time, when you feel the old feelings, they will get processed the right way and completely (maybe over time, but still, that's ok). i like to think of it as the inner child can "metabolize" their feelings. Not having done that before, it's like swallowing a piece of unchewed steak, lol. This time they get to be digested and go thru all the stages they should have in the first place/original trauma. That's what I think anyway, lol.

I procrastinate it like crazy too....as much as I love and try to popularize this. I don't think it's something you should have to do all the time tho. Giving yourself breaks is a good idea too. I kind of let them decide what to do. 

I hope you don't feel bad. 

[Kizzie]

Ah undigested steak - so that explains all the indigestion and now more recently the acid reflux    Can I just take a massive dose of Gaviscon and be done with this IC work please 

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh, that would be ever so lovely if we could do that...

I'm kind of sidling up to it. No IC work yet, but I tackled some Negative Automatic Thoughts I keep getting when I'm bored, thoughts that usually trigger a mild EF. I'm finding it easier to approach the problem from the perspective of a grown-up observer. Maybe that will lay some kind of groundwork? All those NATs are like land mines that keep going off on me, so if I defuse them first, maybe that makes this whole territory safer for my IC to explore?

[Badmemories]

I think My IC is closer to the surface also! I am going to take Your advice kizzie...I have been calling her Pammy Sue! That is what I was called when I lived in southern US... and what My grand parents called me! I have been talking to her.. and trying to bring her out!

Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can.
Keep on keeping on!

[Kizzie]

Hello to Pammy Sue from Kyle (my IC's name)   

[pam]

Ah undigested steak - so that explains all the indigestion and now more recently the acid reflux    Can I just take a massive dose of Gaviscon and be done with this IC work please 

[Kizzie]

And hello to Little Pammy from Kyle  (she's a little shy lol).

[pam]

Hi to Kyle and Pammy Sue! 

from Little Pammy.

PS. I have a big sister named PJ which is really short for Pammy Jean! She's 19.
And Pam No. 9 who's 9, and Pam 12 who's 12!

5, 9, 12, 19...just need 2 more and I'd have lottery numbers! 

[Kizzie]

Hey Pam (and all your younger selves   ), I have not been on here much at all except to do a bit of admin stuff.  I teach online and so spend my days in discussion forums which leave me little brain power or desire to post here.  But the course is coming to an end and my time and energy are being freed up, or they will be next week as I have final papers to mark.

I wondered Pam (or anyone) if you have any strategies for when your IC is really cranky?  Kyle has been cranky for about two days I think because of a teleconferenced meeting a couple days ago in which there was one know-it-all faculty member (yes, they're everywhere), who inevitably leaves me feeling quite inept and irritated.  I have been trying to reason with her and to soothe her, but I am beginning to think she needs to express the anger because that's not working. Time to get the crayons and paper and go for it perhaps

[Badmemories]

Kizzie wrote:

I realize it had to do with the IC work we did only two days before the pension situation came up and because my younger self was closer to the surface  - zoom, she reacted swiftly and intensely to what felt like a old situation. Again, not to scare anyone off as I did learn a lot because of it, especially in feeling those old feelings and from a younger me's point of view. As I mentioned in my other post I can intellectualize until the cows come home, but feelings are scary so I have avoided getting down to any IC work other than seeing to it that she has more fun these days.     

Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can.

I think that right now I am working with My Inner child more. I am crying more when I think of My childhood! That is good right? I am still afraid of pammy Sue though... I do NOT remember much of My childhood. So that makes it all the more difficult. I am trying to play more though. I tell the one grand daughter that I am with the most (age 5)  that I Pammy Sue will play with her. Even that is difficult for me! She loves to play with Pammy Sue! I did not have a childhood since I was responsible for taking care of all My Younger siblings. Sometimes GD begs me to play with her... . I am trying...

I do see the therapy in it all though. When I let lose and cry and soothe Pammy Sue, she feels happy for a while! I am disassociating less, and having less Ef's!

Keep on Keeping on!